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Feelings of guilt...

1K views 4 replies 3 participants last post by  MyFillingQuiver 
#1 ·
I want to be upfront about the fact that I'm not a mother. In fact, I'm a man. I hope that isn't held against me too much....

My girlfriend is 12ish weeks pregnant. Together we raise my soon to be 7 year old as well. We had considered getting an abortion for fear of what this pregnancy will do to us financially. In the end, we couldn't do it.

Now all I can think about is how guilty I feel for having this baby. There's a very good chance my girlfriend will have to quit her job because we can't afford child care. We do not qualify for pregnancy medicaid, ccdf, food stamps, or any other assistance that I'm aware of. My income alone tends to push us above the income limits. Some folks may be wondering why we're financially worried if we make too much to get help. It's a fair question. We haven't exactly over extended ourselves financially(pre baby at least), but we were at the high end of living within our means. Because of our monthly obligations we are going to be in crisis mode once the baby comes.

On top of that, I feel like I've robbed my son of many things that I feel kids should have throughout child hood. The opportunity to play sports, participate in after school activities, etc. Because the reality is either we won't be able to afford it or we won't have the time to get him to and from. If we manage to find affordable child care for the baby, there's still the fact that my girlfriend is gone 12+ hours a day, Mon-Fri. I work 9-5 but I still struggled to get him to and from football practice this last year and still manage something resembling a stable home environment(home cooked dinner, etc). Now if I have to pick him up from school, then get the baby from a separate child care there's no way to get him where he needs to be when he needs to be there. And if my girlfriend isn't working, well it'll take every dime I make just to stay afloat in this life we've built.

Sure, I could let most of it go, but my credit would go with it. Along with any hope of buying a house in the next 7-10 years(something we hoped 2015 would bring for us). I really wanted another child right up until I realized we were having another child and couldn't afford to. Now everything in my heart tells me that I don't want this child, I can't handle this child, I can't afford this child, and it's not like I can go back to her and bring up the abortion topic again. It's not fair to her. I know this. Even if I could, I'm pretty sure it's too late.

I feel like no matter what I did, there was no decision that would've left me feeling good about myself or my decision. It feels like the walls are closing in and I'm dying inside. What's a guy to do?
 
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#2 ·
I am sorry that you are having these feelings. A baby shouldn't do that. Family is so important and your son will be blessed by having a sibling. Can you begin the process of stripping away things that allow your finances to be more stable? If your gf stays home with the baby, she will be available to help your 7 year old get to sports events etc. There are ways around it friend. Children are a blessing. Hope it works out. - Cookin'Quiltin
 
#3 ·
I am sorry you are experiencing worry and guilt.

In my experience, children care much more about the love that raised them than the financial and material.

I was raised in a quite poor family. I still had opportunities to do fun things, and had I been interested in the extracurricular things that cost money, my parents would have figured out a way to obtain them-within limits, reason and reality.

It's a values issue. Your son may indeed have some resentment, but I would be more concerned about that stemming from a new baby with a woman that isn't his mother (not saying this will happen, but it is a potential issue) than I would a sibling coming along and ruining the fun.

In some ways you are good to recognize these things. I think children today often feel entitled to material things and experiences, when in fact, living in a very simple and humble way can be a HUGE blessing of character.

You could pare down your lifestyle to better afford things. It's self-sacrifice, and part of growing up and being a parent. Not always fun, but sometimes necessary, and often my own personal best places of growth have been when I've set aside what I want, or what I expected to be, for the benefit of someone else (children).

I know you will get many views here, and hopefully that will help you to decipher how to approach this new situation.

Blessings to you and your family.
 
#4 ·
Thanks to you both for your responses. I have calmed down since I posted this and realized that maybe I'm being a bit too... "doom and gloom" about this whole thing. There are things we can do to shore up our finances, such as eating out less(something I've felt needs done anyway), but the true problem financially resides with what I expect is most people's two biggest expenses. Home and vehicles. We have two car payments(18-24 mo's each) and just reupped our lease for another year on the house. Those two expenses consume the better part of one income source. That leaves the second source for utilities, groceries, savings, gas, etc etc. In that regard there's not much room. We don't have an expensive cable package, or time shares, and things that I would generally consider "extras". Sure, we have netflix, but I'm thinking the 7.99/mo for what may be our last hope for entertainment is worth the cost for sanity purposes alone. That said, her not working really isn't a realistic option unless we voluntarily surrender the cars and either find way out of our home lease or default on it. Both of those actions obviously bring concern to for the future.

It has occurred to me that despite my panic, this may have actually been the best possible time for this to happen. With tax season at hand I believe that may provide enough cushion to see us through the lease and cover for the wages we will lose when she inevitably takes maternity leave. That will also put us at the steps of tax time next year, in which we will get significantly more than we are expecting to receive this year. This thought alone has helped to ease my financial concerns considerably though I do worry we may still be in trouble financially between the baby's birth and tax season, 2016 edition.

I think a lot of what I was feeling the other day stems from me not handling the "unknown" well and not being ok with not being sure what to do. Asking myself things like -- "Do I give it my best and hope it all works financially and be 'house poor' while we all go without, or do I blow it all up to put my family in a more sustainable situation in the present while posing a potentially significant threat to our long term ability to provide?" -- I think though that those questions will sort themselves out over the coming months and when the time comes to make the call, I'll have a much better idea of what the right decision is. Or at least that's what I plan to keep telling myself haha. I've also realized that realistically I'm looking at 11-17 months of this dilemma as that's how long I have to make these car payments after the baby is born, and even then I have the option of using tax money to pay them off approximately 6 months after the baby is born. The car payments are a fairly significant sum and finishing them will feel like hitting the jackpot at the penny slots. haha

Thank you both, again. Just explaining my situation and my options has left me feeling even better about my situation and hopefully here soon I can get back to worrying about what's important... Which is worrying about whether this is a boy or a girl, cause I really, really, really, really want it to be a girl. :D
 
#5 ·
I am the wife of a CPA and financial planner..you certainly are NOT the first person to struggle with these concerns! Unfortunately, our culture of things on payments (ie: cars, credit cards) have created a situation where welcoming a child can mean very scary lifestyle changes.

You could look at it as a way to make a whole new start, and work to live debt free. Have you ever heard of Dave Ramsey? While I don't agree with every portion of his approach (my husband and I do not believe in funding college for our children, and we don't believe wealth building as a goal itself is a Christian principle, but a worldly one, for examples) the approach on how to become debt free works very well.

http://www.daveramsey.com/specials/welcome?ectid=gaw.daveramsey-online1&gclid=CjwKEAiAxNilBRD88r2azcqB2zsSJABy2B96BqY0n2B8Wqfx-0A4FG-o7DfUFF38U5yxSHJJDMx8sBoCWRTw_wcB

You can call him with questions, or get the book "The Total Money Makeover". You have to really commit to it and your girlfriend needs to be on board, as well. It takes self-discipline and a desire to do the plan and being OK with not being like everyone else on the outside..but it works. My husband and I have been debt free for years.

Anyway, just an idea to get you started somewhere on the part that seems to be most concerning.

Blessings to you!
 
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