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I decided I'm mothering a friend now...

2K views 12 replies 8 participants last post by  philomom 
#1 ·
I need help. I decided I'm mothering a friend, but I have no idea how to.
The reason why I decided to mother her because her regular mother is irresponsible and not a very good role model. Shes apparently a "dancer" which isn't fine with me. My friends mother is okay with anything. "Color your hair? Cool! Get a nose piercing? Do it!"
this bothers me. I was banned from this friend but I still have contact with her. I have a feeling I can save her.
Recently we started Middle school, and she has already broken the rules because of her hair and piercing. Why her mother thought it was a good ides to let her dye and get a nose piercing? I don't know. But as you can tell, she needs a role model.
Now, I need help changing her. She's still changeable. Like any other girl, she has interest in YouTube and other things. Please help me mother her! I'm desperate!
 
#2 ·
I think it would be really hard to mother someone who is your own age. She probably won't take you seriously and think her mother is superior - you can't come in between that relationship no how hard you try, it's natural. How do your parents feel about her / her mom now?

I think the best thing you could do for this friend is to give her a place to come where she is safe, healthy, and has fun but has successful role models. Is there anyone your friend looks up to? Is there anything she is interested in?

Perhaps you could bring this up to your parents and see what they say. Maybe she could come with you and your mom / family places to have fun. Maybe you and she can join something where there will be older women that can be positive role models - some sport or other activity? Maybe you could reach out to any older Aunts, friends, cousins, etc. and see if you can all hang out or go do something - swimming? skating? the mall? board games? go hang at the park / beach?

I think you need to enlist the help of an older female who will have more influence and then also find some activity you can all do that will help your friend escape her day to day life and also expand her perspective.

Good luck! You are a good person and your fiends will hopefully realize how much you care for her.
 
#3 ·
This is a bad idea.

Your objections to your friend's actual mother are ridiculous. She's a "dancer" andyou don't approve - tough. You are not in charge of handing out parenting licenses. That dancer (I'm assuming you mean stripper) is keeping a roof over your friend's head and food on the table.

Hair dye? Why does your school even care? Nose piercings? Ditto. There are plenty of people with hair dye and nose piercings making a reasonable way in the world.

Please consider the possibility that your friend is fine. And the possibility that she has a mother who loves her deeply and well. She doesn't need changing or saving, she needs to be respected as she is.
 
#4 ·
You don't understand. You're basically saying, "I don't care if she has an education!" She will be suspended then EXPELLED from school if she isn't fixed. A large group of friends was banned from her. I don't want to take her away from her mother, a mothers love is needed, but just maybe give her a chance to get rid of these negativitys (by negativity I mean the way she's growing up so fast). I respect my friend, but I don't want her to grow up doing drugs and drinking. I'm not saying her mother does drugs or drinks but the road she's going down will surely lead her there.
 
#5 ·
The best thing you could do, from my view over here, is start a petition with your school to loosen up their student appearance rules, so that people can do whatever they want with their hair and their piercings. If the school is indeed petty enough to expel students (who they have a legal obligation to educate) over hair color, someone should be agitating for that change. If I were your friend's mom, that is what I would be doing.

Your friend, in my opinion, based on the very limited information you have provided, does not need to be "fixed." She seems fine as is. The problem is that her school is close-minded. You, as a fellow student, can help her more by requesting that your school be more accepting than anyone can by demanding that she conform to arbitrary rules about her appearance.

You also must understand that your friend has not asked you to be her mother, and may very well prefer that you neither take on nor consider yourself to have taken on that role. She has a mother.

Also, you are not prepared to actually take on the the parenting work that your friend's actual mother (and your actual parents) do every day. Indeed, you are currently not supposed to have contact with this friend. If she needed something (like a trip to the doctors to have an infected piercing checked out) would there be anything you were personally able to do to help her get it?
 
#6 ·
The best thing you could do, from my view over here, is start a petition with your school to loosen up their student appearance rules, so that people can do whatever they want with their hair and their piercings. If the school is indeed petty enough to expel students (who they have a legal obligation to educate) over hair color, someone should be agitating for that change. If I were your friend's mom, that is what I would be doing.

Your friend, in my opinion, based on the very limited information you have provided, does not need to be "fixed." She seems fine as is. The problem is that her school is close-minded. You, as a fellow student, can help her more by requesting that your school be more accepting than anyone can by demanding that she conform to arbitrary rules about her appearance.

You also must understand that your friend has not asked you to be her mother, and may very well prefer that you neither take on nor consider yourself to have taken on that role. She has a mother.

Also, you are not prepared to actually take on the the parenting work that your friend's actual mother (and your actual parents) do every day. Indeed, you are currently not supposed to have contact with this friend. If she needed something (like a trip to the doctors to have an infected piercing checked out) would there be anything you were personally able to do to help her get it?
I couldn't petition this. You see, they allow it to an extent. Most people who've dyed their hair in the school only have highlights. But my friend dyed her whole head. I think she just recently cut it pixie cut and dyed it back to her original color.
And you said it yourself, 'infected piercing'. True I couldn't just take her, but that's not the kind of mothering I want. I want to still be her friend but I also want to help her make the right decisions.
 
#7 ·
Leaving aside what you are and are not empowered to do as a member of your educational community -

Does your friend want your help making decisions? It seems to me that who to go to for advice and so on is a very personal decision that your friend should make for herself.
 
#13 ·
You can't "fix" or "save" another human.
I had to learn that lesson the hard way. It means many sleepless nights tossing and turning otherwise.

To the OP. Go to a school counselor or another adult you trust and try to get them to help her themselves. Rinse and repeat until you find your friend some guidance.This is not your job! You need a chance to grow up yourself.
 
#9 ·
It's very sad to me that you're such a close minded and judgemental person already. I suspect your own parents were poor role models for how to treat people with respect even if they've made different choices. Perhaps your friend could "mother" you on being open and kind to people instead of trying to force your world views on them?

This school is wrong, but it sounds like she's making changes to work with their rules (if she's dyed her hair back to its natural color). So she's able to recognize what battles are worth fighting, good for her. Plenty of highschool students dye their hair for vacations and back before school starts.

Hair dye, piercings and tattoos are all far more acceptable in society and won't stop your friend from getting to college or getting a good job. I've had doctors with nose piercings. They did their jobs quite well, thank you.
 
#11 ·
I can easily see a 12 or 13 year-old posting this thread in all seriousness, and taking it seriously.

Generally, MDC has explained to people that age that we only allow members under 18 in specific circumstances (pregnant teens, yes, curious teens, no), and locked the threads. I'm uncertain why this didn't happen in this case.
 
#12 ·
I, myself, have a tattoo and piercings, but that said, I get tired of the close-mindedness of people who accuse others of being close-minded. People should be allowed to have a wide range of beliefs, and she has every right to have hers, as does her friend. She also has every right to disagree with her friend choices, and her friend can disagree with her too. Give the poor girl a break. I really like how empathetic the first responder was. Let's practice the tolerance we preach, please.
 
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