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#31 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 04:36 PM
 
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What I find unreasonable is the drinking of the pop in front of the kids and not allowing them to drink it. My thought on the other mother is that however unreasonable or not a rule that you make is, it is still your right as the mother to make and impose those rules. Unless you were accusitory, (as in why the hell did you give my kids pop. You should have known better) I would say that she is in the wrong for blowing you off. This really is a chose your battles issue but her attitude would scare me. As another poster pointed out, if she blows you off about something small like this, what big things (such as allergies) might she ignore you about?

We sort of have a no pop rule at our house. I don't buy it so we don't have it around and my dsd isn't allowed to drink any kind of diet because of nutra-sweet, so she can't drink the pop my parents have around. The big rule is no pop at resturants. She can have milk, juice, water or tea but we do not allow her to order pop. Then again, neither do we. Usually tea and water
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#32 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 04:48 PM
 
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So, BusyMommy3, I am very interested in knowing how you have decided to handle this one. Would you mind sharing?
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#33 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 05:10 PM
 
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I keep wondering if the people who suggest it isn't fair to drink soda infront of your kids but not let them have it are coffee or alcohol drinkers? It seems acceptable to have coffee infront of kids, or wine. Is soda neccesarily different? This is just a thought, not a statement of any particular opinion.
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#34 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 05:56 PM
 
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I dont understand how people can compare alcohol with soda. They are the most diferant things possible. One is against the law for kids to drink(not to mention dangerous) and the other only makes them a little hyper.

I dont agree that the mom should have to change her own home rules to accomadate your every whim. If you think this is such a big thing, then maybe you should find other kids for yours to play with, ones with parents that have the same rules as your own.

Also, at what age do you think it is appropriate for your son to start drinking soda? Since we already know that you dont think it is all that bad, since you drink it. I say pick you battles. Its not like she trying to say its ok to drink it every meal, morning, noon and night. Im sure there are other beverages offered also. Did you ask her about that? We drink soda here, not all the time, but once in a while i will buy it and, yes, my kids get it too. Maybe only about 4 oz, and not with a meal. its kind of more like a treat thing.
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#35 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 06:06 PM
 
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Originally posted by Zina
I keep wondering if the people who suggest it isn't fair to drink soda infront of your kids but not let them have it are coffee or alcohol drinkers? It seems acceptable to have coffee infront of kids, or wine. Is soda neccesarily different? This is just a thought, not a statement of any particular opinion.
As someone who said that they think it is wrong to drink pop and not allow the child any, I thought I would respond.

I don't drink coffee so that isn't much of an issue but if I did, I don't necessarily see the harm in giving kids coffee as long as it isn't too hot. I suppose caffene would be a small issue but I don't think it is anymore than would be in a glass of iced tea (I could be wrong, I didn't take the time to look it up) and I would let a kid drink that.

As for beer or wine, I'm not against kids a taste of that either (although that is, again, something I rarely drink) I'm not advocating getting a child drunk, I'm just saying that a taste of wine or a sip of beer isn't going to hurt a child. IME, it actually serves as a tool to teach kids about responsible consumtion. When I was a kid, my parents would let me try things. Because of this, I never had the desire to rebel and get $h!t-faced somewhere where it might have been dangerous. Also in alot of countries, wine is had with meals and everyone drinks it, children included. They are taught at a young age to be responsible about it and not to over-consume and things like that.

I guess I should clarify my previous post by saying what I think is wrong is drinking it herself and never allowing her kids to have it in any way, shape or form. Limiting the intake is one thing. Saying I can drink it and you can't is being a hypocrite and I try to avoid that at all costs.

Anyway, just imo.
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#36 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 06:29 PM
 
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As the Mom with "no good snacks at her house" I can sympathize -- you don't want your kids drinking soda for a number of reasons and yu feel like soda is an adult drink. We have the same general rule in our house. We don't keep soda at home, though and rarly drink it out -- me never, DH sometimes. I guess we just haven't run accross the issue of other friends homes yet, even though DD is 6 too. I think the bigger issue is the other mother's response -- that it wouldn't hurt your son to have soda and that she intended to give it too him. May just be the way you described it, but it seems like she was telling you that she would do exactly the opposite of what you were asking 'cause she thought it was the "better" way to do things. I agree with whoever suggested that your son needs a way to say no thanks and to ask for another choice. One more thought -- DH and I decided to stop socializing as a family with another family whose judgements on these things did ot match our own -- lots of TV, video games, bad/junk food, sugar drinks, lack of supervision for kids, etc. It was very hard and ultimately cost us the friendship. We had tried lots of other things first and they did not work. Something to think about. Good luck.
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#37 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 06:36 PM
 
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I feel very uncomfortable eating/drinking something in front of my kid while telling them it's forbidden. This has resulted in MUCH healthier habits on my part, and also means that when I have a beer he can have a sip.

My issue would be with the other mother blowing you off. I fall into the "what other rule would she ignore?" camp. I don't care how unreasonable I thought a rule was, I'd follow the parent's wishes. And I'd do it without a single snide "your mommy doesn't want you to have this, even though WE think it's fine" comment.

And yes, your kid does need to know how to say "no thank you" and make it stick. If he tried that, then the parent was triply rude to pressure him.
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#38 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 06:39 PM
 
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The comment about alcohol is kind of what I was getting at with my long essay about stuff EVERYONE agrees is bad or inappropriate for children (cigarette smoking, X-rated movies, bullfighting, sex), stuff that everyone understands is controversial -- you might give it to your OWN kids or let your OWN children participate in that activity, but not someone else's without talking to their parents (R-rated movies, sips of beer, violent video games), and stuff that is widely perceived as good harmless fun (Disney movies, soda pop).

When you ban something that the rest of the world considers good clean fun, you're swimming upstream. It gets a lot harder if you try to enforce that ban when your kid is in someone else's house. And it also gets a lot harder when YOU eat/drink/do whatever it is you don't want your kids eating/drinking/doing. It just does. Of course, it's your choice and as a parent, you have every right to drink a Coke every day while not ever letting your kid have it. But since most other parents permit pop as an occasional treat, your child is likely to come to resent it and see you as a hypocrite (maybe not at the age of six, but later on) in a way that he is unlikely to resent it if you drink a glass of wine and don't let him have any. Fair or not, it's just the way things are.

I told my dh about this conversation and he pointed out something that I think is worth noting: when we were kids (the 70s and 80s), pop was much less of a kid's drink. Our parents drank pop but we didn't get it routinely and neither did our friends. No child we knew got to drink pop with dinner, though plenty of parents did. When we got pop, it was a special treat and usually a very small quantity. (I remember two things in particular: when my family would stop at McD's for lunch on road trips, they would buy one large orange soda and divide it between me, my sister, and my brother. And when we had to take some sort of foul-tasting medicine, we were allowed to wash it down with a shot of R.C. cola, my mother's prefered brand.)

But whenever I think about this thread, I find myself putting myself in the OTHER mother's shoes. My daughter Molly is only 20 months old, but let me pretend that she's six and I've taken Molly and her best friend Maddy to the zoo. Now, although dh and I don't stock ice cream on a regular basis (because dh binges on it given the opportunity), we regularly buy Molly ice cream when we're out somewhere like the zoo, as a treat. Of course, since Maddy's along, we buy her an ice cream too, because you just don't give your own child a treat without getting something equivalent for their friend who is also along.

The next day I get a call from Maddy's mom. "Please don't buy Maddy ice cream," she says. "We've been telling her that it's something just for adults, and we really don't want her to ever have it."

"Oh gosh, is she allergic to dairy?" I say, imagining hives or worse.

"Oh no, nothing like that. We just don't want her to eat anything with refined sugar in it. No ice cream, popsicles, soda, cotton candy -- no junk food."

"So when I take her to the park and buy a treat for Molly, what can I buy for Maddy?"

"Nothing."

So the next time we go to the zoo, do we deprive Molly of whatever treat she expects? Do we buy her a treat and eat it in front of poor, deprived little Maddy? As a hostess, this is a real dilemma. I think in this situation I would talk to Molly and ask her if she had any ideas for solving the problem, in the hopes that she would say, "Well, I really like Maddy a lot, and I don't want her to feel left out. So I guess we can just drink water when she's along." Another solution would be if Maddy's mother suggested an alternative treat -- ice cream was not okay, but popcorn was, or a snow cone, or whatever.

Children have a pretty good instinct to be hospitable, and they really like to share treats with their friends. When I was in grade school, there were Jehovah's Witnesses in my class who weren't allowed to celebrate birthdays, Valentine's Day, etc. So when I would bring in gingerbread cookies cut out in the number 9, since I was turning 9, I would also bring a gingerbread cookie in the shape of a duck, for the JW kid (and apparently that was enough of a dodge for their parents to accept, because I remember the ducks being eaten). On V-day, I might bring in 25 heart-shaped cookies, and one duck-shaped cookie. At Hanukkah, 25 dreidl-shaped cookies, and one duck. (What can I say? I liked the duck cookie cutter and I liked baking gingerbread.) There was also a kid in the class who was lethally allergic to peanuts, and everyone was always very careful to bring in an Adam-safe treat as necessary. Another year there was a gluten-intolerant kid -- again, we always tried to bring in something for him, too.

The key thing, though, is that we really wanted to include everyone. If there's something your child isn't allowed to have, for ANY reason, it's a good idea to suggest alternatives. "I'm sorry, we don't like her to drink pop. But she really likes juice, and juice is a great treat for her."
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#39 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 08:04 PM
 
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I think the issue is more about how the other Mom responded rather than it being about the pop. I would be very bothered that another parent would not respect a simple (very simple) request of no pop (or whatever it might be).

The question is how important is this other Mom and her child to you and your family? If they are someone that you spend a lot of time with then I think it is worth trying to talk about more. She may not understand why it is important to you. Like another mom here suggested you may want to use the opportunity to teach your child to say "no thank you". Or, you may decide that the friendship is more important than if your child drinks pop or not.

On the other hand, if it is someone who you rarely spend time with, I would maybe look for another family that would be more respectful of how you would like to raise your child.

To me your request is reasonable and I would have had the same feelings of hurt and disappointment.

Thank you for sharing your situation, it's good food for thought! Good luck in your decision! Blessings, Jill
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#40 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 09:32 PM
 
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I don't think your being unreasonable at all. I've requested similar type things from my daughters friends parents. If the parents had blown me off, I'd be upset, and not let her go over there. It's not about weather they agree with you or not, it's about respecting your wishes as the parent.
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#41 of 49 Old 06-12-2002, 11:45 PM
 
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After reading through this thread again, I will stick with my original thought that it is the Mom's attitude that is problem. I will also add, however, that I don;t see anything wrong with designating soda as a grownup drink. I don;'t really mind the alcohol analogy so much (and for the record, there are places where children do routinely get small amounts of it and no one has a problem with it -- which I am not advocating at all!) But there are good reasons why soda should be an adult drink all on its own. There has been much research lately to suggest that the the increase in the amount of soda and other sugary drinks that children are now routinely drinking, or have available to them (soft drink and fast food sponsorship of schools, marketing of sugary "fruit drinks and soda to kids, etc.) is having severe health effects on kids. Increased obesity rates, for one, and an appalling lack of calcium in many kids' diets (leading to weakened bones) for another, because children drink soda instead of milk (cow or soy), water or juice (100%). Children need t have the most nutritious foods because their bodies are growing and they are establishing habits that will impact their health for the rest of their lives. (I am starting to sound like a public cervice message here), But my basic point is that adults have some leeway in their diets for the yummy (?!?) but not so healthy things they eat, but children have much less. Also, adults have the ability to make these choices and judgments -- do I want to eat/drink something that may not be the best for me. Kids do not yet and that's what parents are for (in part ).

Reading back I sound like a food-fascist -- and I really am not. I intend to feed my kids a lot of ice cream this summer (me too) and they eat stuff like mac and cheese (organic of course ) and french fries (McD's from other friends -- argh). But I do think that eating is so much a part of health that parnts can set down food guidelines for their kids that they themselves may not always follow. I think kids can understand that.
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#42 of 49 Old 06-13-2002, 01:40 AM
 
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I think you are the parents and you should deal with your children first and then you also have the right to make rules for them. Have you discussed it with your children? Maybe make a rule up with them? Whatever you do, it is UP TO YOU.

Now on a side note, have you thought about giving up soda all together. It is AWFUL for your body (let's not talk about acid) and maybe it would help your children see it as solidarity?
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#43 of 49 Old 06-18-2002, 12:58 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi everyone, I'm back. I wasn't able to find the time to get on the internet in the past week... Jude, Lainy and Teddy are keeping me on my toes!

Here's what happened with the whole soda issue. Caleb's mom called me back the next day and I think y'all were right. She did feel that i had criticized her parenting ethics... In any case she told me caleb didn't like milk, so they didn't make him drink it (just made him eat calcium rich foods and take a calcium suppliment!) Yeah this shocked me, but, hey they're her kids! Ok so I apologized and everything and we kinda came to an understanding... I agreed that it was ok if Teddy had a little bit of soda when he was over there, yeah I realize that I can't protect him forever... She then waqnted to know if I wanted to go to the water park with them on Thursday, i said I couldn't because I had Jude and Lainy... She then asked if another day would be better I agreed to Saturday (dh could take care of Jude). On Sat I went with Caleb and co to the water park with Lainy and Teddy. It was a lot of fun and it was my first time ever away from Jude! When we came home at 7;30 daddy and Jude were both fast asleep in bed, it was really cute and I took a few pics, he he. Actually Caleb's Mom (Shannnon) isn't that bad, I just don't agree with her soda policy! I am being more lenient with Teddy now (I guess he can drink some at parties and such), but I am sticking to my guns with Lainy and Jude until they older
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#44 of 49 Old 06-19-2002, 09:54 PM
 
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I think it's great you were able to work it out and come to some understanding. It is also a good lesson for the kids to see moms work out a disagreement, great role modeling. Thanks for sharing the conclusion of the story too!
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#45 of 49 Old 06-19-2002, 10:23 PM
 
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Busymommy3, I'm so glad you've found a solution!

And I'm really' sorry because in rereading my post, I realize how condescending I sounded. It was as if I was responding to a question of ethics in a book or something and not to a real live person! I think I've got a tendency to do this sometimes on the internet, and I am sorry I did it to you.

Once again, I'm glad you worked things out.
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#46 of 49 Old 06-20-2002, 06:04 PM
 
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In any case she told me caleb didn't like milk, so they didn't make him drink it (just made him eat calcium rich foods and take a calcium suppliment!) Yeah this shocked me, but, hey they're her kids!
Why was that so shocking? My oldest son absolutely gags from milk of any sort. Once he weaned himself at 22 months he never touched milk again. We have tried over and over to get him to drink it, but it isn't worth it. We fill it in with calcium rich foods like cheese and yogurt. We have recently begun giving him a multivitimin because he was bordering on anemic. I'm unsure what is so shocking about this.
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#47 of 49 Old 06-21-2002, 11:53 PM
 
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I agree w/a few things I saw posted already...

1. You should teach your child to say "no, thank you, we don't drink pop" Granted, she's only 3, but my oldest already has made this comment when she's been offered pop. (Well, it's actually "no, that's a grown up drink, I can have that when I'm big like mommy.")

2. I think it's fine that you drink pop. I try to limit it in front of my kids b/c my 16 mo. old doesn't quite get it like my 3 yr old does and I don't want to battle, but there are things that are ok for adults to do and not kids. That's life, I can't believe anyone would make the comment that "that's mean." My 3 yr. old wants to drive the car sometimes, I don't let her, it's an adult thing, right? (I'm sure there's a better analogy to be made but I can't come up w/one now. I think the alcohol one is closer to it, but the fact is you can make both of these analogies legal issues. Anyway...)

3. That mom was rude. I wouldn't have been upset that she gave my kid pop if she didn't know it was a rule (I'd be more upset w/my kid for not pointing out that it was a rule), but once you bring it to her attention, why couldn't she just respect a simple request on your part? What effort is it going to take to say "no, your mom said you can't, would you like some water/juice/whatever?" Instead she criticizes your parenting choices, like actually says "you're being ridiculous" - whatever! I would not send my kid out w/her since she obviously doesn't have any sense of the word: respect. Yeah, it's not going to kill him to have a soda once in awhile but it wouldn't kill him to have a shot of vodka now and then either that doesn't make it okay or acceptable.

Just MHO.

WOHM married to SAHD, living the dream w/our: 3 girls (14,12,10) and 3 boys (7,5,3) and tie-breaker due Jan 2014

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#48 of 49 Old 06-30-2002, 05:08 PM
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I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. They are your rules and you have them for your reasons.

I think I would be more concerned with her attitude. If she will not respect this rule, then what other rule will she break.

I also agree in teaching your child to say no thank you.

We have a problem like this with MIL. She tries to give my 16 month old candy...gr....!

I will, when Kailey is old enough, going to teach her to say no thank you
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#49 of 49 Old 07-01-2002, 06:32 PM
 
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I happen to think that you are being totally reasonable. If your child was a vegetarian, would it be okay for him to eat meat at a friends house? No. Furthermore, the soda isn't the real issue. It's Caleb's mom underming your decision as a parent. It doesn't really matter who thinks you're being unreasonable-it's our right as a parent to make whatever decision you think is best for your child.
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