Hi, first off, I understand this forum is for mothers but I was trying to search for a forum that I could get advice from and this is the site I was able to find. I've been with my girlfriend (now fianc?) for about 1 year and 6 months. She has a 9 year old son who I treat as if you were my biological son. As I don't have any children of my own so being a father was new to me. I always wanted kids and love being a dad to her son. His real dad has never been in the picture since he was 2 months old so he doesn't know his real dad. She got with her ex-boyfriend when her son was only a couple years old and left him when he was 8. Her ex has children of his own and from the stories she would tell me, it sounded like he never treated her son the same as his own and it sounded like there was a lot of fighting and hostile situations. She still lets her son talk to him and said she would even let her son see him if he asked. What should I do? Should I allow this with her ex not being his real father? Will this just confuse him later when he had more questions about his real father? I understand that a step parent wont and shouldn't take the place of the child's real parent but should I be competing with an ex-boyfriend that's not even his real dad? I would really appreciate other mothers opinions on this. Thank you.
This man was a very big part of the boy's life for many years. If he's not abusive, then it's very valuable for him to maintain contact and know that this man still cares about him. When it comes to blending, this is especially important. Your partner broke up with this man- her son didn't have any say in that matter.
It's a very good sign that his mom is able to be mature enough to make the right decision for her son, even though it may be emotionally painful for her to have her ex in their life.
It's a very good sign that his mom is able to be mature enough to make the right decision for her son, even though it may be emotionally painful for her to have her ex in their life.
I understand that a step parent wont and shouldn't take the place of the child's real parent but should I be competing with an ex-boyfriend that's not even his real dad?
competing? There is no competition. There are several adults who love and care about this kid, and you are one of them. You aren't the only one, which is awesome for him. A real daddy is the dad who shows up and gives a crap about you, and he was this child's daddy. Accept it. Biology is overrated.
I'd say that it is important for the time being and probably for some time, to allow this relationship to continue. It may be difficult for you, but you need to try to put yourself in the shoes of the child. I had a former relationship in which my son continued to have some contact with him after it ended. In time, my son pulled away from it. I wouldn't necessarily expect that, but it is likely to occur as time goes on. Even if it doesn't, you can be a good example by being mature about this and recognizing that his relationships are very different from his mothers.
You're not competing with anyone. You have a relationship with this kid... the kid can have relationships with other adults, including parent-like relationships. There's no competition.
I think that under most circumstances, it's very healthy that his mom would let him see her ex, if the kid wants to. It's generally a good thing for kids to see that adults live in different ways, and that there are different kinds of people. It's important that his daily life be stable and positive, but he doesn't have to be shielded from seeing that there are different families and ways of living, some of which he might not prefer. That is, of course, as long as things are within reason, as long as the experience is not going to be traumatic or dangerous. But I would definitely let the mom be the point person on deciding if this could be the case or not. Just, if you see something significantly concerning, bring it up to her.
This sounds like a good opportunity to let parenting stretch you as a person
I would say focus on your relationship with her son.
I see your concerns that the ex treated the child differently, and implying the child was treated poorly, have been overlooked. To be fair, your view seems to be based on stories of memories, true? The accuracy may be great or may not. I'd suggest you work with what you know. If he does have contact with the ex and is unhappy about how he is treated, show him what real love is like.
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