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Fun Dad Wont Stick To The Rules

2K views 2 replies 3 participants last post by  moominmamma 
#1 ·
I don't know where this goes but my husband and I have been having lots of issues trying to co-parent. They're not fights really because he's so 'go with the flow' that he doesn't really fight the way I do.

The issue is that we have a discussion and agree on a plan but then he throws that out the window whenever it gets tough to stick with the plan and he just does what's easy or he does whatever is his habit. In other words, he's not goal-oriented in his parenting. He just runs around and puts out fires.

I feel like he's constantly undermining my parenting work and making things more difficult for me. Here's an example: we agreed that our son must get ready for school on weekday mornings before he is allowed to use a screen like watch TV or play a game on the computer. But then this morning my son is playing a computer game in his PJs. He hasn't brushed his teeth or put on clothes or anything. And to make matters worse, he's not being supervised and there is inappropriate content (another users' avatar was anime porn). This happens about 40% of the time - on the days that I wake up later than they wake up. I was livid and went off on my husband. He did his usual "lets talk about it later."

So know I know what is going to happen: we're going to talk and agree again on the original plan plus more supervision but then my husband is going to throw it out the window again because he 'forgot' or 'got busy' or 'it's hard to break habits' or whatever.

I've told him he should just leave early and come home late on weekdays so I can be the parent on weekdays and he can be the 'fun dad' on the weekends. But that never works - my husband sets his own schedule and is a home-body and so any agreement about saying out of the weekday routines never actually works. I'm so frustrated at this point I feel like we would be better parenting in separate homes.

I'm just so fed up - nearly everything is like this. We agree on a plan for bedtime or hygiene or homework etc and the plan always gets ignored.

Does anyone have advice?
 
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#2 ·
I have empathy for your situation

It's hard when the other parent is not on board/does not agree. I suggest talking about situations with your partner, and how you would approach them/what your feelings are. A lot of parenting is based on compromise and then supporting what one parent is doing (at least in front of your kid). As long as you appear to be supporting each other, the child will not try to exploit the disharmony quite so much. Your husband has to realize he's a parent first, then fun buddy. I think many parents are afraid that if they come into conflict with their kids they may lose their love. Does your hubby realize that consistency on certain key points (like a school day routine), helps kids function better, feel calmer, less anxious etc? Also some kids act out the things they see (TV, computer games etc.) so it may have a negative impact on his school day. All I can say is try to get him to be supportive of you, and maybe let go of the littler things so that you are both operating together. Maybe put the computer game stuff away the night before too, so it is no longer even an issue.
 
#3 ·
I think that when you have that discussion with him later, and he agrees to stick with the plan as previously agreed, you should respond with:

"Okay, great. But since we both know that's unlikely to stick, can we talk about a plan B?"

And then you'll both have to get creative, and think things through from each others' points of view, maybe each adjust your expectations to find some middle ground and not simply acquiesce to avoid conflict but work to find some solutions.

I completely understand your husband's point of view; I tend to avoid conflict and I don't like firm rules. My husband is a conflict avoider too but he prefers clear boundaries. Over the years we've sometimes struggled to meet in the middle but we have. In our case that means a very pared down basic set of rules that mostly revolve around respect for each others' needs, a few part-time rules (i.e. "when dad's around, we have this rule... "), and a fair bit more flexibility than he likely would have chosen if he was the only parent. We're not necessarily on the same page, but we're two pages in the same book, and it's a good book. ;)

Miranda
 
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