If you could, would you have started having children at a younger age or older? - Page 4 - Mothering Forums

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Old 08-16-2004, 08:35 PM
 
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Originally Posted by eilonwy
Yeah... some of us did that stuff in our teens. :LOL Seriously, I know I did more partying from 14-21 than Mike (age 35) did in his entire life. I've probably done more than my share of it, and since I got started early I was ready to be finished with it early.
LOL! Me too! I haven't been drunk since high school and I have rarely bought alcohol since I turned 21. Kinda funny how that turned out.
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Old 08-16-2004, 08:58 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Piglet68
I sometimes wonder if the "stresses" of Motherhood and the "demands of self-sacrifice" are more felt by the younger moms who didn't get a chance to "get it all out" before they had kids.

I mean, I see so many posts here about "getting a break" and "having a life" etc...I have not felt deprived of that at all, and have been very happy devoting myself to my children. It helps that my peers are not all out partying, but I think the biggest reason I've found motherhood so easy is that I've BTDT. I've experienced years of "freedom" and so it's not hard to give things up for a short few years and totally devote myself to my kids.

Anyways, it's just a theory I have....it's not that I don't think young moms can be good moms. I just wonder sometimes if it's harder for them to "give it all up for the chidlren". I wonder if all the "mommy stress" we hear about is related to not having had enough "me time" before baby.

This is very interesting!

See now I have a different theory....I've seen many "older" (LOL yes I realize I'm an older mom...I've been on both sides of this topic) mom's on different boards having a difficult time adjusting to having children. It seems that many that even go through years of infertility then have a difficult time thinking that their lives shouldn't really change once the baby arrives...the baby should adapt to their parents lives. Maybe they aren't so realistic about what life with children is and aren't really willing to "give things up". Many of these "older" moms will be very concerned about keeping up with their careers and such as well.

So overall....my theory is that it is not about age so much as the individual. I think it makes a huge difference as to how one approaches life in general and what their mindset is about having children.
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Old 08-17-2004, 11:10 AM
 
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My "me" time is getting up early every morning while dh and the kids are still snuggled in bed and running or working out. I'm back about the time the kids wake up, refreshed.

I'm much to controlling to allow myself to drink for fear I'd lose control of myself. Medication just throws me for a loop, some good stories about me on codeine and my drunken labor with dd when the nurse bullied me into accepting a shot of nubain. :

I'm a young mom who has gone out twice without the kids (went to a birthing class with a friend once and went to dinner with dh once) in the last year. I like it this way.

Regardless of age, it's your expectations when you go into parenthood that make the difference.
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Old 08-17-2004, 11:29 AM
 
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busybusymomma wrote: "Regardless of age, it's your expectations when you go into parenthood that make the difference." And I totally agree!

I know a 40+ y/o momma who has 4 kids that has full day help twice a week for "me" time (hair/nails done, shopping, etc.), and two mothers helpers alternating evenings so she can spend time with the two older kids and the two little kids at seperate times. Not to mention the help she has from family for overnights and the weekends the older kids go away with her dh.

I also have a 20 something friend who has someone in her family always taking her kids overnight so she can just be alone.

I get out once a month (to scrapbook ) while dh stays with the kids. Other than that, "me" time is "us" time...pretty much all the time. I don't think I would feel comfortable with either situation. But they are both quite content with their situation. I don't think it has as much to do with age, more so with the personality of the individual. Whatever works
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Old 08-17-2004, 01:52 PM
 
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Clothcrazy: you raise some very good points. As do you, busybusy....I guess it is one of those really subjective things.

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Old 08-17-2004, 02:27 PM
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Originally Posted by Piglet68
And again, it's just a theory/idea I have. The stereotype of the "stressed out mother who needs me time" gets me wondering why I don't feel that way. And for me, at least, the answer is that I had all the me time I could ask for and it's therefore not hard to give it up. Who knows if that holds true for anybody else?
Do you feel you have 'me' time when you are away from your DD at work? When you can 'sip tea' in peace and go to the bathroom alone? I think for a lot of women who do not work outside the home, they can easily NOT have that sort of 'me' time or 'breaks' at all. So they can be stressed and need the break that perhaps a working mama gets freely (depending on the type of work, not an ER nurse, of course!)

A mother to small child(ren) can easily be holding, nursing or caring for a little person all the time. Even when the little one is sleeping on you. That's very different than a mama sitting at a desk, drinking a latte and sending an email. The stresses are not comparable, imo.

I guess I'm wondering if someone has all the 'me' time they 'could ever ask for' then why pursue anything (including work) that is 'me' gratifying? Why have a child and return to work (whatever the amount of months in between) if one is so content not to have any 'me' time?

Just because one has loads of 'me' time doesn't mean that one won't wish for that time, if it is with held for weeks, months or years. On the contrary, a taste of honey is sometimes worse than none at all and knowing what joy there can be in work pursuits, leisure activities, social times and physical recreation can be harder for the person who has known it all, but now must do without.

Lots of moms can be depressed, not want to go out of the house, not feel fulfilled with staying at home with a child. They need more 'me' time and ime, the moms who had 'me' time knew that time would keep them from depression.
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Old 08-17-2004, 03:03 PM
 
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I've been thinking about the same thing, Playdoh. I work on Saturdays and tend to think of it as a "break", too. But it's not really a break, it's just a change in routine. It's not "me" time, it's "doing something different for a change" time. I like my work, but it's still work. It's weird because it does recharge me in some ways, but takes energy out of me in other ways. Let's see.... is there any other way I can make the same point?? lol

Here is something interesting, though - I always make dinner, because I figure DH is tired after having just gotten home from work and needs some time to just hang out and play with DS. But on Saturdays, I still make dinner but now it's because I figure DH is tired from taking care of DS all day and doesn't need the hassle. That makes absolutely no sense. It's like I don't consider any of my jobs to be real work, but when DH is doing it, suddenly it is. (I know this is totally OT, sorry.)
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Old 08-17-2004, 03:15 PM
 
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Originally Posted by famousmockngbrd
Here is something interesting, though - I always make dinner, because I figure DH is tired after having just gotten home from work and needs some time to just hang out and play with DS. But on Saturdays, I still make dinner but now it's because I figure DH is tired from taking care of DS all day and doesn't need the hassle. That makes absolutely no sense. It's like I don't consider any of my jobs to be real work, but when DH is doing it, suddenly it is.
Anyway! What's up with this? Why is it that when Mike is home all day with the kids, he's doing work but when I'm home all day with the kids, I'm not?

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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Old 08-17-2004, 03:42 PM
 
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Old 08-17-2004, 03:50 PM
 
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Off topic, but...

[QUOTE=busybusymomma]My "me" time is getting up early every morning while dh and the kids are still snuggled in bed and running or working out. I'm back about the time the kids wake up, refreshed.
Hey, same here! I'm out the door at 5:30 in the morning. It's the only time I can do it without feeling like I sacrifice time w/ the kids, as well as the only time I can truly relax because I know no one needs me!!
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Old 08-17-2004, 05:24 PM
 
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Originally Posted by teachma
Off topic, but...

Quote:
Originally Posted by busybusymomma
My "me" time is getting up early every morning while dh and the kids are still snuggled in bed and running or working out. I'm back about the time the kids wake up, refreshed.
Hey, same here! I'm out the door at 5:30 in the morning. It's the only time I can do it without feeling like I sacrifice time w/ the kids, as well as the only time I can truly relax because I know no one needs me!!
Exactly! It's my quiet time, it gets me up early so I get more done and puts me in a better mood so I'm not as grouchy. And it's good for me, I'm getting good cardio and losing inches. Hopefully that means I'll be around longer to be momma and hopefully someday grand-momma and maybe even great-grand-momma.
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Old 08-17-2004, 06:12 PM
 
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Originally Posted by playdoh
Do you feel you have 'me' time when you are away from your DD at work?...I think for a lot of women who do not work outside the home, they can easily NOT have that sort of 'me' time or 'breaks' at all.
I don't know if I consider work to be "me" time, though I know it's definitely a break from looking after a child (in my job, anyways!). However, when I claimed I didn't feel the need for "me" time, I was referring to the 15 months I spent being a SAHM with DD. I gave up alot of things/activities and didn't find it difficult. I know many mamas who do. So I was just wondering why?

Quote:
I guess I'm wondering if someone has all the 'me' time they 'could ever ask for' then why pursue anything (including work) that is 'me' gratifying? Why have a child and return to work (whatever the amount of months in between) if one is so content not to have any 'me' time?
I didn't return to work so I could get a break, or "me time". So I can't answer that question. If a mama returns to work because she wants to get a break from daily childcare, then I would say she obviously *isn't* getting all the "me" time she needs. But that wasn't my case.

Quote:
Knowing what joy there can be in work pursuits, leisure activities, social times and physical recreation can be harder for the person who has known it all, but now must do without.
I suppose it could work that way, too. I had over 15 years of being on my own and enjoying all that stuff. Maybe if you only have a brief time of it, it makes it harder to give up? Good point.

Quote:
Lots of moms can be depressed, not want to go out of the house, not feel fulfilled with staying at home with a child. They need more 'me' time and ime, the moms who had 'me' time knew that time would keep them from depression.
Yeah, that's what I was wondering about. I was wondering what makes a mother need more "me" time, while other mothers can quite happily give up their tennis club, their bridge nights, etc...maybe it's more related to depression, I don't know. I was just musing....as I said, I know for me it was having all that time as a single to do what I wanted that made it easy to put it aside for a few short years. But I'm tending to think more now that it's what other posters said: your expectations going into parenting. I'd already decided before baby came that I was going to devote myself fully to being a mother, and put aside my other hobbies/social life for a while. Maybe, young or old, if you go into it thinking you can "have it all and have it now" you set yourself up for disappointment.

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Old 08-17-2004, 06:14 PM
 
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Oooh wow! Everyone is making such good points. For me, I don't miss the "me" time so much because I've never really had it. You can't miss what ya don't know :LOL

I often feel like I'm not allowed to say I'm stressed out, or tired, or lonely, or mad, or frustrated with parenting because people will just automatically say, "See, I told you so. It's because you're young, and you weren't ready to have kids." When the reality of it is that parenting is HARD and DEMANDING for anybody, regardless of the age. When I talk to older moms, and even teen moms, and moms the same age as me, I see our experiences as much more the same than different. Sure, the circumstances of our lives may be different, and we may view the world through different eyes and different sets of ideals, but when you boil it all down parenting is basically the same for everyone. Its how you deal (I don't like the word deal, but can't think of a different one right now) with it thats different. I don't think that's so much age, but personality.
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Old 08-17-2004, 07:36 PM
 
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Wow, mamamaya, I get stressed out, tired, etc, and I'm probably at least 10 yrs older than you... It seems really rude that someone would deny you very human feelings just for being young(er). s to you...
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Old 08-17-2004, 07:48 PM
 
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My WOH job is definitely not considered "me" time...I teach 20 seven year olds! So, that plus parenting the rest of the time really leaves me with no "me" time. Still, I am satisfied with having had kids when I did. I always said I was so absorbed in my job that if I didn't have kids young (ish) I would wind up never having them because I would become so set in the way of dedicating my 24/7 to my students and their families.
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