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Old 07-17-2002, 11:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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it is better for the children to be clse in age or farther apart..?
ive been thinking of having another.. but i know that i am not ready to focus on another baby.. nor is my baby ready to be a big sister..
what do yall think, as parents and children?
i was 2yrs apart from my older brother.. he always resented me somehow. my 4 yr older sister was always too good for me.. still.. and my 9 yr younger brother is really cool. we get along best.
any thoughts?

(just edited title to make it more clear for the archives --Sierra)
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Old 07-18-2002, 12:15 AM
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Hello grisletine!
As a parent, I had made the decision a while ago that mine would be five years apart, if there was going to be another. Turns out they will be six years apart LOL! I based my choice on thinking that at age five/six my DD and DS would be able to enjoy the pg and be more involved with the baby. Also, a little help wouldn't hurt. And with the age difference, less fighting over toys/friends/etc.

I guess we'll see how it turns out.
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Old 07-18-2002, 07:53 AM
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I've always liked the idea of having them close together so they can be good friends. My sis and I are 2 years apart and once we got into hs we had the same group of friends. Emmet and Gus are 4.5 and Abe just turned 2. He's already being totally included in their games like cars and "tackle". We are planning on TTC #4 (our last) in January. Abe will be about 3.5 years older. We were gonna wait one more year, but then the 3 older boys would prolly be close and the lil one would be left behind....
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Old 07-18-2002, 10:49 AM
 
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I really feel that there are definate pros and cons no matter how you do it. My sister and I are seven years apart and I really grew up more like an only child as we had nothing in common. Now today we are best friends. My first two are 4 yrs apart, he is a great help and now that #2 is getting older they enjoy each others company. Then I only have 1 year between him and dd. I love that they are almost like twins, they do everything together. It is difficult at times, but I really enjoy it and I think that in the long run it will pay off. #4 is 2 years younger, but when you already have 7, 3, and 2 you don't really notice when you add another to the mix .

I guess I feel that either way is great. You have to consider how many children you want. I knew I wanted at least 4 and did not want to have a baby in diapers for 15 or 20 years. Also what age are you when starting. Do you want to be going to your childs high school graduation at the age of 70?: If you have decided that you will probably only have 2 children, I think it would be great to have 4 or 5 years between to really enjoy it and maybe make the time go a bit slower. I feel that mine are just flying by, my baby will be 6 mos next week .

Sorry, I am rambling. Good Luck.
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Old 07-18-2002, 11:49 AM
 
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I think a lot too depends on the personality of the child. Some are more open to sharing parents attention and becoming an older sibling than others.

My two are exactly two years apart but it wasn't exactly planned that way. It's a lot of work but my dd looks up to my ds and he thinks it's pretty cool to have a little sister right now (even if he has started kicking and pushing her). There are pros and cons to whatever you choose and there is no one right answer.

I'm trying to figure out for myself when the next should come along, if it's even possible. Some days I feel up to the challenge but most I don't. If you are not feeling ready then it's probably best to wait. It's hard not to base decisions on the way we were brought up (good or bad) but it sounds like you are really in tune to your family and can make the best decision. Take care!
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Old 07-18-2002, 12:07 PM
 
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I think a minimum of 3 years apart is optimal.
They really are babies for those first three years and need you so very much!
Researchers (for what it's worth to you) have also generally found that "the first three years" are critical in a child's development.

I always say that each and every child deserves a full measure of time, attention, patience and energy. I know that I could not have provided this with closely spaced children , but perhaps some can!
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Old 07-18-2002, 12:58 PM
 
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Well Elijah and Olivia will be 21 1/2-22 months apart. I think this is a little too close for my liking but we didn't know if we would be able to have more (I have PCOS) so we just went for it. Now that we will have our boy and our girl we would like more but will not stress about it so much. I want to wait until they will be 2 1/2-3 1/2 years apart for the next two. Probably around 3 years. The pregnancy would be much easier on me if I didn't have such a little guy to take care of. My sister and I are 3 years apart and very close. DH and his sister are 9 years apart and up until a couple of years ago did not get along at all. To each their own I guess.

Shawna, married to Michael, mommy to Elijah 1/18/01, Olivia 11/9/02, and Eliana 1/22/06
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Old 07-18-2002, 01:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i know im definitely going to wait until my baby can consent to it... probably until shes almost 3 as someone else said. i cant help thinking about it though..
thank you all for some interesting thoughts.
i know a girl who had 2 very close... she was 2 months pp and got pg. she resented her children heavily for her lack of freedom.
i always feel bad for her kids. im not sayig it always turns out that way but it just always sticks in my mind. she just couldnt handle it.
im not sure.. i dont think i could handle 2 thst close. i think when i do have my 2nd itll be worth the wait.
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Old 07-18-2002, 01:30 PM
 
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As I said, mine are only one year apart and although it may be difficult at times so can having very different ages. How do you handle a situation where you are doing something with the liitle one and the older one is bored and feeling left out. Children too far apart in age have extremely different interest and it can be hard to find activities that interest both. We also chose to have ur children close together. I was exclusively BFing but get my periods pack very early pp. I have never felt tied down or resented my children. As for waiting for a child to be able to consent, what do you do if your child doesn't consent to take a bath or get into his carseat? You do it anyway. You are the parent and I would not await the consent of a toddler for a decision such as having another child. If you make it happy, they will love it. However if you act like it will take away from them and you feel sorry for them, they WILL resent the sibling.
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Old 07-18-2002, 01:36 PM
 
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Either way is tough. My brothers and I are 2.5 years apart each, and had a lot of issues growing up. DH's brother is 10 years older and his sister 6 years older ... and they had a lot of issues growing up.

It seems to me to be a function of the kids' personalities and parental interaction, more than an actual science.

Though I like the idea of having all little ones growing up together, so they have similar families.

For example, just the history of DH's family, the financial and emotional situations were totally different when his brother grew than when DH grew up; as if they were in two different families.

Just rambling here ...

- Amy
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Old 07-18-2002, 01:45 PM - Thread Starter
 
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tnrnsmom - i have thought of the difference in interest thing. i hope i didnt sound as if {i was saying} it is unfair to have them close that is not what i meant... for that girl it was bad they were close. for you it is good. i bet for me it would be hard.
in answer to your question: then we dont take a bath or get in the carseat. i would feel better if she was more aware of the situation. im sure the way you treat them, in reference to the baby, has a lot to do with a childs reaction, too.

i really think its just a matter of what feels right, to your family.
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Old 07-18-2002, 01:57 PM
 
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Grisletine, I did not mean to sound as if my way is the only way. Each family has to do whatever works best for them. Obviously if you are uptight about bringing a new baby into the family, dd would sense that and be uptight also. Sorry if I came across the wrong way, I do respect everyone else's opinions and feel that no two people have the same experiences.
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Old 07-19-2002, 12:55 AM
 
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Our 3 seem to go through stages of varying compatibility, so I am inclined to say that it doesn't matter one bit what the age separation is. Sometimes the older two get along great and sometimes they cannot bear each other. The youngest is still just a baby and so everyone loves him until he needs a diaper change! Maybe a more productive thing to think about is when is good for you to have another baby (financially and for you and your partner in terms of your ages and your lives outside your family) and how you can help the children build a loving relationship with each other.
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Old 07-19-2002, 02:29 AM
 
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Seeing that my 2 are 13yrs apart I would like to ttc maybe in the next year. I want to be able to have more time with ds2 before having to share my attention with a 3rd child. I also want ds2 to be able to have a sibling he can grow up with. Shawn is always busy doing his own thing with school. hockey, his Dad ect cet so he doesnt get to see him as much as I or he would llike.
So soon but not too soon....
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Old 07-19-2002, 11:49 AM
 
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I've asked this questions of moms with little ones and moms as old as my grandma. The overwhelming response is that 3 years apart is ideal so that's what we are shooting for. I think Abi is getting to the point where she needs a playmate now (19 mos.) so I just make it a point to meet with a friend and her 2 kids once a week at least and take her to the playground and story time. By the time she's three if we have another one by then she'll be able to take part in caring for her baby brother or sister, but hopefully feel like she's not being replaced because she's the big sister and has an important role. My brother was born when I was three and I still remember bringing my mom a blue carnation in the hospital and feeling very grown up and proud.

Darshani

7yo: "Mom,I know which man is on a quarter and which on is on a nickel. They both have ponytails, but one man has a collar and the other man is naked. The naked man was our first president."
 
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Old 07-19-2002, 12:39 PM
 
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I love having my children close in age. My oldest two are 14 months apart and my second & third are 17.5 months apart. I love seeing how close they are. None of them remember life before their siblings and I love how they share all their life's memories. I love that my girls are best friends as well as siblings.

I am also a closely-spaced-sibling. My mom had 4 of us in 6 years and then my younger brother 3 years after me. My mom said that by 3 (and older - as she saw with her cousin whose youngest was 5 years younger than her closest sibling) there was a lot of resentment from the "former" baby to the new baby.

I am hoping that isn't true for all children (then again, when is a blanket statement true for all children? hardly ever! maybe never!) My husband and I just got married a month ago and are TTC. If we get pregnant THIS month then the baby will be born around my youngest daughter's 5th birthday.
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Old 07-19-2002, 04:06 PM
 
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My (half) sister and I are 13 years apart. I wasn't sure what I thought about it at the time, but I am very glad that it ended up like that. I was able to learn a lot about babies and children from her and my stepmom...and it really helped me understand my stepmom and see her as a caring person. Now that I am expecting my first child, I am very excited that my sister is so much younger than I. She will be 7 when the little guy is born, and I think that is a wonderful age for her to be exposed to things like homebirth, extended breastfeeding, co-sleeping, etc.

Melanie
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Old 07-19-2002, 05:19 PM
 
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USAmma,

I read your post and it struck a chord. My son was 20 months when I became pregnant with my second. I think that for us, it was the perfect age. At nearly 2 1/2 when the baby came, he was still willing to ride in the stroller when I needed him to. He was old enough to be able to "help" when he wanted to. He was young enough that he wasn't in that talking back stage yet, but old enough to be able to communicate his wants and needs effectively to me. He turned 5 this past May and his baby brother is now 21 months. They have a blast playing together. Now, I'm not saying that there aren't conflicts, that's only natural, but they are at that place where they can enjoy playing with the same things. I can see that they truly love each other.

We are planning on spacing the next one just a little farther. At this point even if we got pregnant today they would be spaced more.:LOL I don't have the apprehension about adding the next baby that I did when we had the second. After all, the boys will still have each other.
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