ARRRGGGH ! MIL cut my boys' hair ! - Page 6 - Mothering Forums

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Old 09-26-2004, 11:55 PM - Thread Starter
 
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For anyone still interested, I FINALLY found out from the boys what their "grandma" said to them on the phone that caused them to react with words that so many of you have criticized both them and me about. I figured I wouldn't press them to tell me and that they would tell me in their own time if they wished. They both said that she told them that she had done them a favor by cutting their hair and that both I and their dad were bad parents for allowing them to look like that (i.e. the long hair) and that we didn't deserve to have kids and that if they agreed with us that they were bad kids as well and should be ashamed of themselves for treating their grandma the way they were doing. In other words, she was belittling both us and them directly to the boys. So now I REALLY don't regret supporting them in what they said to her ! She deserved every bit of that and more ! However, I am sure there are those of you who will still say I am wrong and am being a "terrible mommy" for allowing them to cuss at her. Oh well !
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Old 09-27-2004, 12:10 AM
 
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Shann - I'm sorta on the fence about namecalling anyone - but it seems to me you really missed the point of the majority of the posters who thought the namecalling not the best reaction. It wasn't about whether the grandmother deserving it - it was the idea of giving someone his/her just deserts that was in debate. Maybe re-read this thread in the future sometime when the incident isn't so raw. And just ignore the very few posts that said snotty things about your mothering (these were in the minority - though I know they sting and are hard to see past).
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Old 09-27-2004, 02:33 AM
 
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I just read this whole thread for the first time tonight and I find it really fascinating, as a new member and as someone interested in human behavior.

Shann, I was horrified to hear what happened to your boys. I know you must be emotionally exhausted firstly over just experiencing and processing the whole experience within your family. Then to come here and read all the posts of people processing, discussing and sometimes being critical of the situation must compound the stress.

I sure can't speak for the others, but it is my strong sense that we all are appalled by what happened to your family, and are trying to imagine how we might deal with such a situation in our own lives, but of course, none of us are in your shoes.

(Having a mother who might do something similar,) I can only imagine how incredibly livid and reactionary I might be in this case, I'm certain I would WANT to do something like using profanity and venting by sending the picture. I hope however, I would breathe and model the kind of behavior that I would want to teach my children and also my MIL.

However, IT DOESN'T MATTER what I think I would do. The point being that I honor you as a mother and I know you are doing your best with your children the circumstances you've been dealt. That is all you can be expected to do.

What I mean is, The purpose of this forum is to support each other yes, but also to discuss amongst ourselves issues relevant to our lives and mothering with individuals from places far and wide,who may be very different from us and who may have opinions and experiences very different from our own. How cool is that???? VERY! Then we get to solicit advice, comments, suggestions, just like you did with your post. It seems important then, to weigh the input you receive against our own truth and reality, and act from there.

I love it that everybody gets to speak their mind here,I think it is fascinating and wonderful to hear all of how all of us respond to such a provocative issue. I do realize it can be challenging to stay removed enough that criticism doesn't affect you,especially when the subject is so personal and raw to you, it must be difficult to remember that although this virtual illusion is wonderfully created, that in fact , these people aren't your best friends and may choose to run their lives in very similar but also different ways! There are very wise and wonderful women here, but all of us are just doing the best we know how.

I hope, sweet Shann, that you are able to do just that. Weigh the input you get here, carefully and heartfully against your own truth, and continue to be the best mother you know how. Dismiss what is hurtful to you as coming from someone who, although well intentioned, does not stand in your shoes.

Peace and All Blessings to you!

Happy, busy mama of 2 - A (9/05) and W (2/08)
Acupuncturist to pregnant and post partum mamas!
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Old 09-27-2004, 10:12 AM
 
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Shann, I think you and your boys are well rid of your MIL!

mtnsunshinemama, that was a great post!!! to MDC!!
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Old 09-27-2004, 04:48 PM
 
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Thanks, Andreac and I echo your sentiments! I wouldn't want that kind of energy invited into my family life. Hopefully grandma will come to her senses one day, apologize and see the horrible mistake she's made.

Happy, busy mama of 2 - A (9/05) and W (2/08)
Acupuncturist to pregnant and post partum mamas!
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Old 09-27-2004, 05:19 PM
 
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Shann---



I just wanted to clarify that in NO WAY do I think you have done anything wrong w/this situation.

I am just encouraging you, at this point, to cut ties with that woman and let that be that. She, apparently, is not going to see the truth of the matter (that the problem is her and her issues w/gender, clothing, etc...) and exposing your children to that type of person is not good for them. If I thought that she was changing in her dialog w/them that would be one thing, but doing *anything* with her just seems to be fuel for the fire.

I'm just glad that your DP is supportive and your whole family realizes that MIL is a crazy kook, lol.



How are your boys doing? Are they feeling any better about their hair? It is probably not helpful, but in some ways it is probably best that MIL really went off the deep end making it clear a cut need to be made instead of just sneakily poisoning your family for years.

 

 

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Old 09-29-2004, 08:28 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks to mtsunshinemama, tiredx2, and andreac for your good words ! I really do appreciate them.
As for the situation, we have indeed cut ties with her, and that includes my bf (her son). She has lost a family. The boys don't even want her mentioned now ! (Their choice, no our "force", but I still secretly say "YAY !"). As for their hair, it is growing back, but still isn't as long as it was before or as long as we all want it (them included). It was about 6 inches below their collar line before, and is going to be alot longer than that now.We sometimes trim it (very slightly !) once in awhile, but we aren't even going to do that for several months now...their reward for the trouble they went through.
REALLY long hair is the goal for them now...no haircut or trim for them in the foreseeable future ! She thought it was long before----she ain't seen nothin' yet ! (although she won't be seeing them anyway).
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Old 09-29-2004, 12:50 PM
 
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i can not even believe the nerve of some people.
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Old 10-01-2004, 10:39 PM
 
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Just wanted to say how much a feel for your boys! My son had long hair (past his waistband. He would occas. talk about cutting it, and I told him to be sure he wanted it. So this June, he actually was decided (and mentioned it for several weeks) so he donated it to Locks of Love, and even after all the forethought and discussion, he still had to cry and mourn his hair at bedtime that night. (He's happy with his "cool" look now) I can't even imagine how upsetting it would be for him to have that decision taken from him.

I'm glad you are giving them some freedom to feel and discuss ways to deal, instead of taking over for them, or encouraging suppression of feelings.

BTW I agree that kids can totally learn when and where swearing is appropriate. My mom used to say our house would be rated R for language, yet I have never used innappropriate language with superiors, even horrible teachers when I was an angry teen.

to your kids!
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Old 10-03-2004, 04:07 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks, Liawbh ! How old is your son, and how short did he get it cut ? That was a brave decision on his part.
And thanks for the understanding on the swearing. My kids also have VERY R-rated mouths at home, with our permission, but they also know that that won't always be met with as much acceptance outside our home.
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Old 10-04-2004, 12:50 AM
 
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DS is 8. He cut it very short, about 3/4 inch on top and shorter on the sides. He totally loves it now. It was getting tedious for him to brush it, as it was very fine and curly.
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