Have you ever put your kid(s) in daycare? - Page 7 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Have you ever put your child(ren) in daycare?
never have, never will 109 100.00%
no but I plan on it 17 100.00%
yes, part-time 59 100.00%
yes, full time 59 100.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 4. You may not vote on this poll

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#181 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 02:29 PM
 
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Ok Nate, we cross-posted. I see that you do have research info... but sometimes I question these studies bc they may be based on women of different situations from my own? don't know. Just know that I don't know any depressed SAHMommies who are former successful career woman who had stimulating and challenging careers.
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#182 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 02:31 PM
 
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Personally I have only left my dd 3 times, only for a couple hours each time. The first time was for dh and I to go out to the movies and the last 2 times were to set up my college courses. I will only leave her with my dh or my best friend. I guess I have trust issues but I also just miss being away from her. If I go into town to run errands for an hour I can't wait to come home and see her. I think part of the reason I'm so against leaving her with a sitter is because I was seperated from my mother when I was a toddler. I didn't see her again until I was 12 and it was very traumatic. I grew up with a lot of babysitters and daycare, I hated it.
What I find interesting is that she did consider daycare for herself, a self described SAHM, when she was looking to go back to school. Maybe I am too relaxed in my defination but to me a WOHM is any moms "who have major responsibilites outside the family as well as within." which is also how Mothering defines it.

Here is what destinysmom said in another thread:

Quote:
I'm considering putting my 16 month old dd in daycare for a couple hours, one day a week. I've been talking to my adviser at the community college and apparently there's really no way to get a CDA without attending at least one day class a week. To qualify for the financial aid I have to get at least 12 credits a quarter as well. I was hoping to do all of this on the weekends, nights and online so my dh could watch her. I only know one other person I trust to watch her, my best friend, but she lives 30 miles away and works from home plus she has 2 kids of her own to worry about. She can babysit once in a while but I don't think she could do it once a week for an extended period of time. Soooo I'm thinking about looking around at the area daycares. I'm not really looking forward to this, I've only left my dd once with a sitter since she was born, with my best friend. So I want to make absolutely sure I trust the place and it looks nice and everything. I'm trying to think of the positive aspects about this, that she'll be able to socialize with the other kids etc.
Thread is located at http://www.mothering.com/discussions...d.php?t=183519

So its OK for her if it's school but not Ok if you are getting a paycheck?? It's selfish to work but not to educate yourself?She never responded back to that thread either.

GRRR I told myself I would stay away. : I feel like I'm watching a train wreck and I can't stop looking.

Pardon me while I puke.gif

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#183 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 02:46 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by AdrianneWe
Ok Nate, we cross-posted. I see that you do have research info... but sometimes I question these studies bc they may be based on women of different situations from my own? don't know. Just know that I don't know any depressed SAHMommies who are former successful career woman who had stimulating and challenging careers.
AdriannWe;
It's always good to question studies. (Sidenote--one of the principles of Evidence-Based Medicine is that you take a look at the published literature, see what the evidence suggests, and then decide whether it applies to your own patient/situation. So, for instance, just b/c Prozac is a great medication for your average depressed/dysthymic adult female, it isn't necessarily a good medication for a teenage male.)

Unfortunately as I said I can't find newer data, though I know I've seen something recently. "Very high" rates of depression was probably the wrong phrasing--more accurate would be higher than avg. But I didn't say *all* former professional women (or WOHs generally) get depressed--or at least I didn't mean to--I said it's a high rate.

And honestly, I shouldn't be here at all--I need to prepare a presentation for a job interview. So I'm going to be a BAD librarian and put out a statement I can't back up then quit looking. Sorry!

HollyBearsMom, ITA. Esp. the train wreck part. I think I'm unsubscribing now. See you around the working mamas forum!
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#184 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 03:02 PM
 
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Hollybear, I know the post and thread of which you speak.

And ITA with your post.
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#185 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 04:08 PM
 
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OK, OK....I'm in the same boat with Nate and HollyBearsMama...I can't seem to leave this thread alone.

I was completely annoyed when I posted earlier and now I am completely insulted. The mama that originally posted this thread knowingly or unknowingly(as some have suggested -doubt it though) lashed out at WOHM. Now according to her other thread, she is gonna put her child in DC so she can continue her education (which I applaud). Is that not the pot calling the kettle black? Perhaps the reason she hasn't returned to this post is because after finding out she would have to use daycare, she knew she would "eat crow" coming back here. I just find it highly insulting to say that being gone for classes is somehow still better then being gone because of work.

I believe if she would repost to this thread and say "hey guys, I'm sorry if I offended anyone, not my intent" or something like that I would have a lot more respect for her "feelings". Even though she didn't have any for mine.

On the subject of depression.... I LOVED being home with my son during maternity leave, but there were times when I would get depressed. Call it PPD if you will, but I missed being around other adults. The walls closed in on me sometimes with just me and him there. I am 34 years old and have worked full-time since I was 17 years old. Not working all of the sudden was hard for me. At the end of maternity leave I was very torn on going back to work, but I knew that for me I would be a better mama working. Down the road things may change for me & my family, but for now that's the decision we've made.

WOHM (FT or PT) and SAHM love their children EQUALLY!! No one is better then the other, just different. That is the point that I believe the other mamas who have been as offended as me are trying to convey here.

Ok, now I'll go back to watching again :
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#186 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 05:02 PM
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Nate, I read through the study you posted and I cannot for the life of me make any connection between your previous assertion that women who work full time and then go on to SAH, have this high incidence of depression.

In the study, it says that women who don't like their jobs are 3.7 times more likely to have some depressive symptoms.



I had no kids and I didn't like a few jobs in my lifetime and yeah, I had depressive symptoms, too. Put a toddler on top of that (as in the study) and I would have situational depression as well.

Heck, men who don't like their jobs are probably a lot more likely to feel down about life, too. Or childfree folks. Or gay couples with no intention of having any children.

I just didn't see any information to back your assertion about the choice to leave working and stay at home (and the high incidence of depression for those women). Sorry.
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#187 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 05:14 PM
 
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What is it about these threads that pull me back?! I am with you guys, the flamed ones are more interesting . I have been coming here and supporting whomever seems to need it most, lately that has been the OP. It is good for my Buddhist practise, as it helps me be non-judgemental, even when I disagree.

To be honest, I did have trouble supporting the OP, but I gave it a shot (as you saw) and it is possible to remove myself from another's opinion - good practise anyway. It is intriguing that Destiny's Mama has disappeared, but I would be a little affronted, so if you are still reading, DM, give it a shot, you'll find we understand once you help us with what you meant, even if that is that you were just speaking your opinion.

I felt a little uncomfortable when her character and past posts were being brought in. For a young girl learning motherhood and learning how best to speak her mind, that would sting.

But again, I'm with the underdog, usually, whomever that is at the time. And I am also with anyone else who wants me LOL!

About the depression stuff. I can totally see why that is. It is a bigger shock to those of us that had 'big lives' before children. I travelled the world as a United flight attendant. I lived out of a suitcase for years. After the baby, no matter how much love is there, you feel locked in. In the quiet times, when babe was asleep, I felt so lost and like I had been ripped out of one life and dumped into someone else's. This doesn't happen to all working moms of course, but those who have stayed at home previously at least had some semblence of home life to refer to. I didn't.
Good thread, actually.

With love.

Hunger is political.  Wherever there is widespread hunger, it is because people with guns are preventing other people from bringing in food.  
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#188 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 06:17 PM
 
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Just when I thought I was out, they pull me back in...

The relevant parts were in the full text of the article, not the abstract.
Quote:
Stressors specific to the parental role have been shown to be an important factor in maternal depressive symptoms.[14] In addition, conflict over their employment role may contribute to depression. In a small study, college educated mothers with 1-year-olds who were dissatisfied with their employment role (ie, at home but preferred to work) were shown to have more stress and depressive symptoms.[15] Therefore, when studying maternal depression, both employment status and mother's overall satisfaction with her employment role need to be considered.
The article cited in (15) is DeMeis D, Hock E, McBride S. The balance of employment and motherhood: longitudinal study of mothers' feelings about separation from their first-born infants. Dev Psychol. 1986;22:627-632

More from the original article, which I can't post b/c of copyright:
Quote:
Independent of work role satisfaction, mothers employed part time were less likely to be depressed than mothers who were not employed.
Not a ton of data there, and I know it's not the study I was actually referring to. Oh well. It's a pretty cool article, though, talking about role satisfaction in the toddler years!

But now I HAVE to get some work done on this presentation I have to do for a job interview! :
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#189 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 06:21 PM
 
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Nate, step away from the keyboard....and get back to work! Naughty girl.....
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#190 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 06:27 PM
 
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:LOL

Thank you.
I need to turn OFF email, and turn OFF mozilla. But then what if I miss something really important?

No matter, I get to go home in 15 min anyway. Let's hope DD goes to bed at a reasonable time tonight so that I can do some work...
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#191 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 06:33 PM
 
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I need to turn OFF email, and turn OFF mozilla. But then what if I miss something really important
I know what you mean! Do I ever! :LOL
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#192 of 221 Old 09-24-2004, 08:37 PM
 
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Just for a side long view of life with babe, I took my daughter with me when I studied. It was much easier when she was a baby, just shove her on the breast at feed time, hold etc, and listen to the lecture. There were a couple of others like this too, one was a young father who took his baby to college. It was always lovely to see him surrounded by his books under a tree with his baby on the blanket beside him.

As she gets older, it is still ok for me, as I have a placid child so she sits at my feet with a book, or on my lap and fiddles with my necklace. We needn't stop our lives, we can bring the child into our lives.

I have a home business, and for appointments, I have taken my daughter with me to meetings, and it is amazing how people accept that. If i had a job at a separate company, I would expect child care there, or to have her in my office, if not, i would leave.

But i am in Australia, as mentioned, and things are different here. It can still be difficult, but unless we are all willing to band together for change, how will it change? We need not be separated from our children to work and learn. We should not be separated from our children to work and learn.

With love.

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#193 of 221 Old 09-26-2004, 02:30 AM
 
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I haven't read all 190-something posts in this thread, but I did want to add my piece. I have been in both camps. I am currently working because dh is in school full-time so he can later support us with a single-income after he graduates. I have a love-hate relationship with working outside the home. I love the adult interaction, my personal fulfillment that I get from my job, and dressing up every day. I hate the grind of rushing all the time to make lunches, lay out clothes, try to get laundry done, etc. I hate that my dh and I never spend quality time together. I HATE leaving my girls everyday. I want to be at home with them more than I want to work but I don't have a choice right now. DH and I are busting our butts to get him through school and to be the best parents we can be to our girls.

I guess I am wondering how SAHMs can be judgemental of someone in a situation like ours, or of a single mom who has to work to survive. I am not saying that the majority of the posts on this thread are judgemental. But I have definately gotten that message elsewhere.

Maybe everyone who thinks I should be staying home could pitch in and send me a check each month so I can stay home!!! What a great idea!
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#194 of 221 Old 09-26-2004, 03:06 AM
 
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i second that Sarah!!

everyone: gather up your pennies and send us some $money$ to live off of while we raise our kids!
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#195 of 221 Old 09-26-2004, 04:19 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by journeymom
And to the mama who said she was thinking of leaving mdc because there are just so many ap mothers who seem to be judging with religious fervor, I think if you count the number of responses that are clearly coming down on the side against daycare, you will find that is the small minority.
You're right. It is only a few people who are judging working mamas.

But this daycare issue is only ONE of many issues discussed on these boards.

It seems like every time I visit here, there is someone flaming parents who vaccinate, or parents who circ, or parents who use strollers instead of a sling, or parents who have used formula. If you don't make all your food from scratch or if you drive a car that's not fuel-efficient or if you don't use cloth toilet paper, there is someone ready to scold you for it.

There are a lot of things I feel are "best" for children. My boys are intact, and they are homeschooled, and are being raised as freethinkers/skeptics. Those things are important to me. But I'm not going to berate others nor pity them, nor look down my nose at those who do things differently with their families, as long as the children are loved and provided for. There is no such thing as a perfect parent, and some of the people 'round these parts would do better to remember that. Whenever you point a finger, three are pointing back at you.
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#196 of 221 Old 09-26-2004, 04:20 PM
 
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Hmmm, I haven't read all of the posts, because I just don't have very much time to be online now a-days, I'd rather spend time with my daughter. (not being snarky, just true. I had to stop coming to MDC very often because it sucks me in and then the hours slip away!!!) But I noticed this thread and thought I'd add my .02.

Attachment Parenting is based on Attachment Theory, originally developed by Dr. John Bowlby. Over the past 50 years (I think more actually) their studies refined this theory of attachment. Basically, it means that it is absolutely imperative to meet children's needs in their first years of life. They need at least 1 stable attachment, usually it is to their mother, who will meet all of their needs. The children express what their needs are, not their caregivers, and certainly not outside gossips. Children placed in quality care outside the home do best when they build an attachment to their new caregiver, in addition to their first attachment to their parents. If children are placed in quality care, it can be a wonderful growing experience, often exposing them to learning experiences and materials that their parents can't possibly provide, as well as allows them to make some great friends.

Just because a mother stays home with her children, doesn't mean she is meeting their needs. Just because she says she follows a checklist of things she advocates doesn't mean she is meeting her children's needs. She may be, but it is not a given.

I am a single mother who while using up savings and living off worker's compensation started a WAHM business making and selling jewelry. I love doing it, but it wasn't bringing in enough for us to live on and build for the future. I also was busy a lot during the day, and found I wasn't meeting my daughter's needs as well as I felt I needed. Last semester I took all 4 classes I needed to take to earn my Early Childhood Education Certificate while my mother watched my daughter (every day) during my classes. Now, in addition to my flourishing jewelry business, I am working in a wonderful Reggio inspired Preschool which uses primary caregiving. My 2 year old goes there too (for free), and she loves it! She loves her teacher and new friends, who she will be with until they all graduate or leave the school. I am working in the infant /toddler room, and love it. I'll be with my kids until they leave too. There are many daycares/preschools that are trained in Attachment theory (moreso than many parents) and meet the children's needs. They are able to handle and prevent tantrums, teach problem solving, and honor the children as they learn to become social people.

Those who have no experience with daycare /preschools really have no place making judgements on them. They just have no idea.

Peace,

Karen
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#197 of 221 Old 09-26-2004, 07:46 PM
 
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I have read many of the posts in this thread, but not all.
In the area of daycare, I feel I have done - and am still doing - what is best for my kids.
I am not American and the SAHM-WOHM debate is non-existent where I come from. Nevertheless, this question interested me, and I participated in the poll.

I have been home with my dk until they were just over one year old. Then I (and dh) have worked and have at the same time given our dk top priority. Always being home if they were ill, being involved in our kids' daycare, living our life with our children as much as possible, etc.

I have an absolutely wonderful daycare mom for our youngest, ds2 is attending a great nature-kindergarden (situated outside our village) and our oldest loves his public school.

So, maybe I am not really AP, but I still love Mothering and I am still 'hopingtobe' a great mom for my kids
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#198 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 12:56 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by DestinysMama
Personally I have only left my dd 3 times, only for a couple hours each time.
Does this sound kinda disturbing to anyone else? I'm a full-time SAHM of an 18mo, but I have literally lost count of all the people who have helped me out with my child, college students (dozens!) and kids from church and friends with kids and neigborhood grandmas and random pubmistresses and my once-a-week babysitter and my mother and my grandmother and my aunts and my mother-in-law, and especially *DH*. Some have just held the baby for a bit while I had a shower, some have passed her around while I was singing in choir, some have taken her to the park while I had to study or nap, one took her for a few hours while my husband was in the emergency room, some have just borrowed her 'cause she's so darn cute and they had to show her off, and I can't count the number of times dh has taken her when I went knitting or beekeeping (try that with a toddler!) or just needed to get out to the gym or for a mental-health break.

How can you raise a child without a community? Isn't that child going to be massively distrustful of the world in general? If there's another parent involved, is that parent going to feel any real sense of accomplishment if he never gets to parent? I'm pretty darn AP, but my daughter loves people, smiles constantly, manages to make even the grumpiest person look at her and grin, and knows that the world loves her. Would I be a better AP mom if my kid was scared of strangers and didn't know how to interact with other kids? I doubt it.
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#199 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 01:42 AM
 
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Careful we don't pull apart Rebekah's way of doing things, as that would be exactly what other mum's were upset about her doing in the first place.

With love.

Hunger is political.  Wherever there is widespread hunger, it is because people with guns are preventing other people from bringing in food.  
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#200 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 12:07 PM
 
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Originally Posted by DestinysMama Personally I have only left my dd 3 times, only for a couple hours each time.
NO NO NO, it does not sound distrubing to have a parent NOT leave their child in the care of someone else. My child is left with his father while I am in class for 2-3 hours a week and his grandparents for 2-3 hours on Sunday while I house clean. He even went to work with me at the ripe age of 8 weeks. This boy of mine goes with me everywhere. This is how I teach him to interact with the world. By showing him my morals and how I interact with other people.

Quote:
How can you raise a child without a community?
This is a favoirte. It is NOT the responability of other people to raise my child. I chose to have my child and am not going to make other people help me.

Quote:
Isn't that child going to be massively distrustful of the world in general?
Huh?? Why?? My son has had me his whole 2.5 years (and dad). He is more social and non-distrustful with the world and people then most of my daycare children I watch. Why is that. Could it be because I am there for him, to teach him that this is okay take that step forward? People who watch children aren't necessarily teaching, guild and instill the morals of the parents. Most times the provider is there just to make sure the child doesn't get hurt, that is it.


Quote:
If there's another parent involved, is that parent going to feel any real sense of accomplishment if he never gets to parent?
I want to answer this but am not sure what the prior point was for this. It is the responability of BOTH parents to work with a child. If one parent is involved then the other parent needs to get involved by making effort. You can remind your partner to parent but they need to step up and parent too. They can't have accomplishment handed to them.


Quote:
Would I be a better AP mom if my kid was scared of strangers and didn't know how to interact with other kids?
So does this mean that because some of us refuse childcare or pre-school that our children are scared of strangers? Again my son goes with me everywhere . He is more social then his older cousins who have been put into school and a community that is big on letting each other watch the children. His cousins are scared over the smallest things.
First time he was around other children, he was passing out toys and laughing. Another child grabbed his toy and he looked at her and walked away. His interaction with others is what I taught and shown him from my actions.



Children become adults all to soon. They wil not need us around 24/7. Why waste that bonding, that parent/child time, by sending them to a childcare or pre-school? I have NEVER needed away time from my son. I take all I can get from him because in a couple more years he is going to be wanting to go off and hang with his friends and on to school, job, college, partner.

My SIL would rather put her son in childcare SIXTY HOURS a week then keep him home on her days off. They both get off around 3pm. That last 3 hours of childcare is for the parents to go off and play without their child. How gross is that?

I find it a normal cop out that socity as instilled on parents that you NEED alone time, you NEED to put your child in daycare, you NEED your career. It should be want. I want want want. I WANT to be with my son and have worked hard to make sure I can be the one to watch my son.
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#201 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 12:17 PM
 
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[QUOTE=kimmysue2] My child is left with his father while I am in class for 2-3 hours a week and his grandparents for 2-3 hours on Sunday while I house clean.


......

I have NEVER needed away time from my son.

QUOTE]

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#202 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 12:30 PM
 
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Oops my bad (Hey I got a C in my English class) I should have been more clear that I do not concider my parents or husband leaving my son. But I guess I am out of his sight for 5 hours a week.
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#203 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 12:55 PM
 
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Most times the provider is there just to make sure the child doesn't get hurt, that is it.
That has NOT been my experience with the childcare providors I've had for dd (not that there were many, either). But I wouldn't leave my child with a providor who was just watching kids like a shepherd watching sheep. And it was easy to find loving, caring people who became like family to dd, dh and me to watch dd.

Please don't paint all or even most child care providors as cold people, looking for a buck (because there aren't bucks to be had in the industry anyway), especially since there are so many awesome WAHM who care for neighborhood children, so that those of us who WOHM can better provide for our families.
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#204 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 01:16 PM
 
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I don't and I am a childcare provider, talk about ironic.
Just because I did not list all the bad in my post, doesn't mean I am unaware that there are good providers.
That said. I am surprised how many ARE. In my two ECE classes. They say they just sit there watching like a shepherd dog. I went to a chidcare center for observtion and all the two providers did was tell the children not to do something since it could hurt them or others. When some of the children cried more then others the adults would say Oh that child is SO whinny and not take the time to interact with the child.
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#205 of 221 Old 09-27-2004, 02:15 PM
 
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I know you had mentioned you are a childcare provider. That's why the statement really stuck out to me. The childcare providers I've known (and I used to be one, too) might have reversed the statement to indicate that there are some bad ones out there, and there are some very excellent ones. I, too, have met some crappy childcare workers. My more recent experience has been with really great ones, and I was standing up for them. Like I said, they've become like family!

Given that this whole thread is rife with sweeping generalizations on all sides, perhaps we're all to some degree feeling a little defensive?
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#206 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 12:00 PM
 
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Originally Posted by kimmysue2
I have NEVER needed away time from my son. I take all I can get from him because in a couple more years he is going to be wanting to go off and hang with his friends and on to school, job, college, partner.

My SIL would rather put her son in childcare SIXTY HOURS a week then keep him home on her days off. They both get off around 3pm. That last 3 hours of childcare is for the parents to go off and play without their child. How gross is that?
It seems to me that you visualize this as a black and white issue. Either one chooses to spend almost every waking minute with their children, or one chooses to spend almost no time with their children.

There is a middle ground. Most people do not fall into one of these extreme camps.

Quote:
I find it a normal cop out that socity as instilled on parents that you NEED alone time, you NEED to put your child in daycare, you NEED your career. It should be want. I want want want. I WANT to be with my son and have worked hard to make sure I can be the one to watch my son.
Well, everyone is different. Some people do need alone time in order to regroup and be an effective human being. Some people cannot just give give give constantly and not have time to regenerate themselves.

I am also looking at this from another point of view.... of a mother who has been around her children for much longer than 2.5 years. Yes, I enjoy my kids. But they can wear me out. Sometimes I like them to go play by themselves and give me a break. We're a military family, so there have never been grandparents nearby to watch my kids if I have a doctor's appointment. Sometimes my husband has been gone for days, weeks, or months at a time. We've been homeschooling for five years. You view it as a cop-out that people need alone time, but I can't even imagine needing childcare in order to clean my house. Different strokes for different folks.
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#207 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 12:39 PM
 
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Remember the woman who drowned all 5 of her kids? She had no help, and seemingly no time away from her kids. She needed time away from her kids. If you have PPD *sometimes* taking a couple hours breather, handing baby over to dp or a family member, etc. can save lives.
I'm using an extreme example, I know. Everyone's different. Everyone, adults and children, have different needs. Having children doesn't mean adults should ignore their needs.
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#208 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 12:44 PM
 
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Remember the woman who drowned all 5 of her kids
Big leap assuming all this woman needed was "me time". To do something as horrid leads me to think something was wrong with her long before she even had kids.

Besides she could have asked for help any hospital or police station would have taken them if she had said I am going NUTS.
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#209 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 12:45 PM
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Andrea Yates had time away from her kids and help. Her MIL came over frequently to help both when Yates was in a catatonic state and when she wasn't.

She was also in patient at least once and MIL came over to help Rusty Yates, as well as other people (came to help).

She needed more than that and the belief system she subscribed to (religious stuff) didn't help. But to say she had 'no help' and 'no time away from her kids' is incorrect.
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#210 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 12:55 PM
 
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You're right, that was an extreme and bad example. The point I was trying to make, which got drowned out in the example was:

Everyone's different. Everyone, adults and children, have different needs. Having children doesn't mean adults should ignore their needs. Some families need both parents working to make ends meet. Some people need to get their pedicures. Some people need time away from their kids. Everyone's different. Period. To be judged for adressing one's needs is unfair. I think many of us on all sides of this issue are feeling unfairly judged.

ETA: And ANdrea Yates needed to be away from her kids instead of drowning them that day.
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