Have you ever put your kid(s) in daycare? - Page 8 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Have you ever put your child(ren) in daycare?
never have, never will 109 100.00%
no but I plan on it 17 100.00%
yes, part-time 59 100.00%
yes, full time 59 100.00%
Multiple Choice Poll. Voters: 4. You may not vote on this poll

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#211 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 02:07 PM
 
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Oh thanks I did not have time to research all the stuff about her. Like I said it was something way more wrong then just me time with her.
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#212 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 05:40 PM
 
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First, no one said that "all" Yates needed was time away from her kids. I think we can all agree that she needed a whole lot more than that. But more time, more help, and more support might have helped.

So I will put myself out here as an example of someone who does, indeed, need time away on a regular basis. I am a darn good mother for a limited time. I am patient, I can do GD with the best of them, I don't yell, I "go with the flow", I clean up spills without a problem... (No, this is NOT my only definition of "good mother" but it is a list of things that are part of it. No flames for not coming up with a consise way to make my point). But, if I don't go to work on a regular basis, I loose all of that. I yell at everything. I can't think or cook or concentrate on reading a book. I have horrible thoughts of striking my children or locking them in their rooms just to turn off the noise for a while. I over-react to situations that are really very minor. I know this because the end of a "daycare closed week" can be real h*** for everyone if I don't plan carefully and have some help during the week. I am an introvert who doesn't like noise. When I get overwhelmed by stress or noise, I do not function well. I have a history of depression which kicks in when this overwhelming stuff is chronic. I could not more be a good SAHM than a good DJ in a nightclub, at least not with the two small very active children that I have been blessed with. So, I work PT to balance my personality and needs with the personality and needs of my children. I chose daycare/preschool very carefully so my children get the best of all possible worlds, or as close as I can get to that. I don't really "need" to work for economic reasons (though life would be a whole lot less pleasent if I didn't), but my children need me to work so they aren't scarred for life by an abusive mother. With different circumstances, I would never have chosen motherhood at all. But the right partner, the right balance, the right community and I think I'm doing a pretty good job of it.

Why can't we assume that most parents are truly concerned with finding the best situation for themselves and their family? Truly, we never know what is driving the decisions that people make. I'm sure many here would see my life, talk to me a few times, and judge that I "shouldn't" be working or look down on me for the decisions I've made. But you would miss great big parts of the picture. It is rarely so black and white as it looks on the outside.
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#213 of 221 Old 09-29-2004, 05:53 PM
 
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, I work PT to balance my personality and needs with the personality and needs of my children
That makes sense to me. Key word balance. Nice.
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#214 of 221 Old 09-30-2004, 03:44 PM
 
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Ok this thread is so polarized it is scary and I think Evan and Anna's mom made a wonderful point. We are all very different and what is "best" for one family may be completely bad for another. Some people are "wired" for children. They interact easily with them, discipline comes naturally to them, they are great at thinking up imaginative ways to entertain them and childrens intense energy levels works with theirs. I am like this and that is why I became a mother early in life and also make a career out of childcare by being a provider for others. I have a "gift" for relating to children easily, (it is not so easy for me to relate with adults. Now other are not like this. One of my best friend's is a wonderful mom and she loves her kids just as much as I do, but she is not a "kid" person. She doesn't know how to play with them easily, gets frazzled by their energy levels, and discipline requires a lot of research and thought for her. She uses me for childcare, so she gets the adult stimulation she craves and is then a much better mama when she is with her kids, and her children are with me and have a blast, and are in much better moods when they go home. Would her children be better off if they were always with their mom who resented them? And even though I am a "kid" person, does not mean that I don't ever need a break. I have always made an effort to make sure their father had lots of alone time with them, and also their grandparents and if I wasn't blessed with having so much family in the area I would look for a loving person to give me breaks when I needed them. Just because I am their mom does not mean I am their sole provider. Whenever we step into judgement of others it is dangerous ground. We don't know all the dynamics of a situation and why someone truly chooses something. There are many complicated issues at hand, and when I heard about the Yates woman and her 5 children all I felt was pain and sympathy for what horrible dynamics were going on there as for her to feel that was her only option, and all the horrible judgement I heard just made me sad. No, that does not make it right what she did, but her judgement is only between her God and her, it isn't anyone else's business.
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#215 of 221 Old 10-08-2004, 02:51 PM
 
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I'm quoting a post to make a point:

"I'm curious whether SAHMs have concerns about their financial security should something happen to the primary earner in their family (death, unemployment, divorce, etc.). After all, more than half of marriages (and probably a good percentage of domestic partnerships, as well) dissolve.

Has anyone read "The Price of Motherhood" by Ann Crittenden? I haven't read the whole book yet, but what I have read is hair raising. It's partially about how women who stay at home to raise their children are terribly vulnerable economically should something happen to their marriage. They don't earn any Social Security for their hard--but unpaid--work. They can be left in a real financial pickle in retirement, or in the event of a divorce/death. It is *very* difficult, unfortunately, to take time off from a career and then get back on track--we do not have a sufficiently family-friendly work culture."

"drownin her kids cuz she needs some alone time"

Ok.....

Don't you allll seee something wrong with this??

Why do you all go to work? To make more $$. Right? Why do you need $$? To make a nice home for your child, to have some me time, to buy a car that will drive you to and fro without stopping to breakdown on some lonely deserted island.

These are all necessities of the normal everyday modern person with any brains right?

Well what is wrong with our soceity that makes all these things so out of reach for everyone with no money???

It is pure greed. Greedy politicians, Greedy corporations. Greed makes you think you need all these things and more to make a decent normal life for your precious children.

I dare you to watch one of those documentaries on Iraq or some other desolate country in the middle of nowhere. They pray for food, to never be hungry, and water to never be thirtsy, and to never have to BE ALONE!

Solitude could mean certain death for a woman or man, especially a woman with children to take care of. They are completely dependant on extended family to help with basic chores like getting water, watching animals, cooking, watching children, etc, etc....

Think of what they live without. And many of them happily! You know they don't have this self esteem problem like we do here. They are so welcomed by neighbors, friends, relatives. They are truely loved from birth. Mothers have a super AP philosophy, they couln't otherwise or baby might die!

Most of the world lives like this. We are sooooo sheltered in our shiny cars, in our central air houses, we have light at the push of a button, we have water at the turn of a faucet.

My neighbors don't give a hoot about me. If I broke my leg tomorrow, and called them up to help me, they might bring over a casserole, once...Gee they might even rake my leaves for me! LOL!
But any more than that and they are tooo busy. Isn't that everyone's excuse these days? Too busy? It's because it's not just an excuse it's an epidemic.

No one is blaming you for putting your kids in daycare. Daycare is not really the problem is it. IT's this society, it's this mindset, it's our commercials it's this computer!

You'd be astonished and totally surprised at the number of women who do without the things we take for granted in America too.

I dare you to go visit one of there women. Can you think of any? I'm sure you've met one or two. go into their homes. How much food is in their cupboard?
How many useless items are cluttering their tiny homes?
Not much huh.

Many, many sahm's do it out of pure determination and heartache for a few years, so that they can raise someone who will be a caring indidvidual, someone who will be sane and confident.

Someone who will not drownd their children, who will not shoot up drugs, who will not run over your cat.

Who will not grow up to be a greedy corporate owner. It's fine if you go to work, it's fine if you stay home. If you love you child that's the most important part. Get mad at those who lie to you and tell you they care, but really do not!

Don't get mad at that young lady who has the guts to stand up the bull and the commercials, and her friends and neighbors urging her to "go back to work, get a breather, get a life."

Let her watch her child in peace.

Have the guts to stand up and say it's ok!!

Ok off my soap box. Please excuse the typos, my ds was nursing on and off... LOL! My point was that all those articles saying it's common to feel guilt about putting your child in daycare, were right and very very wrong. If you want to stay home but cannot, that means there is something sooo wrong with this culture. If you don't want to stay home, well that's another story alllllll together! They are two totally different topics in my opinion.

One truth of the matter is that all babies want their mothers. They have that built in monitor that beeps when mother is not near. It's there from millions of years of programming. We don't give birth to a person, but a very helpless infant who in this world could get eaten up if left by mother. It's also programmed in most mothers. That beeper, especially if you are nursing. It's not wrong to want your baby so much that it hurts. If your company and your baby are competing for you, it's very very hard to tell the company no, especially when we are bombarded with cultural views.

In this country our feminist movement forgot the fact that we have a uterus!

In Japan in their feminsit movement they brought the baby to work slung on thier back with them!

Don't forget its only been about 100 yrs since the time when all a woman's work was to care for the young, cook and clean. We think we are sooo superior to other cultures, and other times ago, we have no sense of history.

"History is like a mother that kneels down and kisses us with knowledge"

Even the word MOTHER is soooo powerful. I am a sahm simply because my mother was a divorcee who had to go back to work, and me and my bro were latchkey kids. I want to be here for my kids. That's it plain and simple.

There are many ways to either do without and still live the good life, you just have to be very creative, very thrifty, and very very determined. My Dh makes about 30 thou a yr, and I am a super sleuth who got us a gorgeous old victorian 3 bdrm house on a quiet street for 50thou. there are other forms of healthins in this state that work jsut as well as the big expensive kinds. We never eat out, we get way more tax breaks being in this bracket, my dd goes to the best private school in town on a scholarship. We do have decent cars because we didn't just settle for whatever they had on the lot and were willing to swindle us at the dealer. Yes my parents have helped us out of some binds many, many times. Not necessarily financially, but in other ways that would have made life much harder. I do wish we lived near them as that would make life even easier. We might make that our next move! I work from home now and help to bring in some income. But the work as a mother is worth so very much that you can't compare it to anything. Whether that is full or parttime work as a mother, it means so very very much to your child!

I hope I have not insulted anyone, if so please just ignore me and go on your merry way. It was not intended as a threat. The real threat is our Western way of life that has us all in a strangle hold, and we don't even know it! SOmeone near me said, they wished things would get even harder for families. Not to hurt anyone but to show just exactly what really is important, and what can truly be lived without.
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#216 of 221 Old 10-08-2004, 03:22 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by sarahbay
Don't forget its only been about 100 yrs since the time when all a woman's work was to care for the young, cook and clean. We think we are sooo superior to other cultures, and other times ago, we have no sense of history.
OK, leaving aside the rest of this post, some of which I agree with and some of which I don't, remember that the above was true if you were lucky. If you weren't, you never had children and you spent your life cleaning and raising other people's children. Or you sold your body to buy food and prayed that you didn't have a baby. Or you died young from starvation, from childbirth, from being beaten by your husband, or from disease. While there are certainly things wrong with our culture, let's not romantize history so much that we lose track of the reality that these women faced too. Every culture and every time frame has/had its problems. Ours may be different from Africa now (where vast numbers of children are raised in AIDS orphanages) or from Europe 500 years ago (see above). Its different, but it is not necessarily better or worse.
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#217 of 221 Old 10-08-2004, 03:37 PM
 
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Women always worked hard - in the barns and fields on farms, in bars, in boarding houses, in shops, in textile mills, in other people's houses.

A VERY limited understanding of history would have the majority of women as homemakers and home managers. In the Ninteenth much of Twentieth century England and America, women were HARD workers (excepting the very small and privledged middle class). Check out peasant woman in Russia and England and france and working class women in any country prior to the end of the second world war. Women worked outside of the home as a rule, leaving thier babies with the old woman down the hall (if they lived in an urban setting) or with their spinster aunt/grandma (if they lived in a rural setting).
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#218 of 221 Old 10-08-2004, 04:51 PM
 
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I hate the myth that women have historically been SAHM's as we understand that term today.

Thank you to the posters who pointed out how untrue that is.

It is far too easy to romanticize the past (and other cultures, for that matter.)

I would argue that the idea of a woman isolated in her house and raising her children by herself is a modern one and frankly bizarre.

FTR, I stay at home but I have made it a point to seek out and help create communities with other moms. I NEED to be around adults a fair bit. I also NEED me time. Not ashamed to say it, and I don't think it is a flaw.
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#219 of 221 Old 10-08-2004, 05:10 PM
 
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Perhaps some of our overburdened ancestors would LOVE the resources we modern women have:

1) competent (licensed and reviewed!) daycare (no leaving your child with her 4-year-old brother as babysitter while you farm)
2) messageboards and blogrings for parenting issues, and less personally, internet research in general for parenting concerns ("is that black spot on my child's neck the Plague?")
3) telephone hotlines, television, and general social awareness of child AND mothers' needs ("gee, there's a diagnosis -- post-partum depression -- and treatment for what I feel? I don't have to kill myself?")
4) support from MILs, partners, and employers, for some moms. Sure, it can be improved -- but it's better than most women of any generation have ever had.

Respectfully, sarahbay, I disagree that this generation is so lonely. I think we have more of a village -- even a global village -- than ever. No, I (as an entirely solo parent) don't have a half-dozen neighbor women or family members helping me parent in a hands-on way, but neither did any non-fictional generation before me. And I think I've got it better, because besides the above factors, I have something novel my predecessors could only wish for:

5) the legal and social right to parent on my own. I don't have to have a husband, or be of any particular sexual orientation, to adopt or even give birth. (And yeah, there are still strides to make here.) I get to own property and hold a job so that I, alone, can provide for my family. And my sisters have the same rights, so that they can freely *choose* whether to, say, stay at home while a husband or partner monetarily provides.

Thank goodness for progress. And may, as you insightfully suggest, our sisters in other nations soon have the same rights.

The only thing you owe to others is to behave with integrity.
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#220 of 221 Old 10-08-2004, 06:03 PM
 
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You know my mom made a snip at me that I think totally relates to this thread. She asked if one of my other SAHM friends I talk about is "whiney" and it caught me off guard and made me defensive at first but now I think I know where it was coming from. When my mom was a SAHM and in this very demanding time in life, it wasn't societally acceptable for her to "whine" about it. She would have been seen as a bad mother for complaining about it, so she just stuffed it, stuffed it until she had had an affair and got divorced all without ever arguing with my father, they just never complained, even though I would have been screaming my head off if I had been in her shoes. She has long said she envies the discussion boards we have here, and would have LOVED to have had them when she was a new mom. I think if anything I have it easier than her because I feel safe to complain about the struggles of motherhood without feeling judged, I can work or not work and right now I am going to start working and my DH is going to stay home which would have been unheard of a generation ago. Like others have said let's not romanticize history, maybe the upper white class stayed home, but who says their kids are better for it and where do you think the term "wet nurse" came from. And my grandmother was "weird" for breastfeeding her children. We are not back then and in anyone else's shoes so lets not presume to know what it is like.
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#221 of 221 Old 10-08-2004, 06:59 PM
 
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My understanding of Sarah's post was entirely different to those above. I understood it to mean that we have become a society of greed and dissatisfaction, for one. And for two, she mentioned more about how mothers can be happy with so little in other cultures more than history of our own culture.

The fact that we are disjointed as a community. We don't know our neighbours, yet our loved ones are miles away. We don't band together like they did in my mother's day. She had neighbours who were all also SAHM and they spent their days together. Not all of our mother's remember it like this, but more do in that era than we do now.

I think it is a case of for every great progression we achieved, we lost a little of the good from past generations. Family seems to be coming second to career now more than ever. My own experience had me going through terrible "me" withdrawals, that my mother said she never had. She never had great career expectations, so she never felt its loss. On the other hand, I loved my career, and will return one day. In the meantime, I work minimally, rely on my husband mostly, and work around my children instead of despite them.

We live minimally, and have had many blessings, so I am never judging of other's circumstances and choices, that is not my point. My point is along the lines of Sarah's and that is that it is a shame our culture has removed itself so far from minimalistic and natural to the point where mothers have NO CHOICE but to be away from their children. No mother should have that choice taken from them. If they want to work, yay. If they want to stay home, yay. But what about if they want to stay home - but can't? No yay there, is there?

Unless your career of choice is plowing a field where you can sling bubs on your back and get on with it, how can we fulfill our AP desires and move on with life as a working mother in this culture? It is very hard. I think her point was brilliant, and in favour of both working moms and stay at home moms, but against society for placing such demands on us.

Hunger is political.  Wherever there is widespread hunger, it is because people with guns are preventing other people from bringing in food.  
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