Friend’s child and my child aren’t getting along… - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 03-10-2005, 05:34 AM - Thread Starter
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I have close friend and our kids aren’t getting along. My child is 3.5 and my friend’s child is 4.5. It’s really difficult because I rely on both their companionship with our family *so* much. Also, there’s a little meanness going on towards my child and I’m afraid I can’t be unbiased when I give my friend advice about this.

I want so much for them to gel that I haven’t really addressed this issue properly. My friend, of course, is addressing the issue on her end. It’s just hard.

Thanks for listening.

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#2 of 8 Old 03-10-2005, 10:16 AM
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I've been there, mama, with a couple of friends, and I know it's a very awkward situation.

Unfortunately, we can't choose who our children will get along with, no matter how much we like the parents!

I'd approach it this way - find a way to talk to your friend about it without blaming the situation on her child. I'm sure that she is aware of what goes on between your children and probably realizes that her child is occasionally being unkind, and if you point it out it might put her on the defensive. Perhaps you can just say you've noticed that your children aren't getting along so well and that it makes you sad because you value her friendship and you don't want this to come between you. Then you can suggest that you try to prevent problems by avoiding home playdates (that's where trouble often occurred for my DD and difficult friends - not sure if this is true for you) and getting together at children's museums or playgrounds or whatever "until this difficult phase passes."

Of course your first responsibility is your child, and when incidents occur, try focusing on your child and helping your child verbalize his/her (you didn't use a pronoun!) feelings and "use his/her words."

Hope this helps - I know it isn't easy!
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#3 of 8 Old 03-11-2005, 01:06 AM
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I have a great friend that I have known for 10 years. We have ended up living in the same city after long amounts of travels, on both of our parts. When we ran into each other, we both had kids. My dd being 3 hers being 5. Last year was the hardest as my dd wanted so desperatly to be "BIG" and to our friends dd she was still a baby. This year is a bit better. Althought when they start to be mean to each other we leave, either one of us. We have told them that if they chose to argue, fight etc...we are not going to stay. It seems to work pretty good latley as they are starting to like each other more. I hope it works out for you.

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#4 of 8 Old 03-11-2005, 01:16 AM
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i have almost the exact same situation..but dd is almost 2 and freinds ds is almost 4


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#5 of 8 Old 03-11-2005, 10:06 AM
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I am presently going through the same thing with friend whom I really, really like; our dhs get along too. She has 3 kids; but the youngest is closest to dd's age (almost 4) and she is also quite the handful. My dd is a relatively "complaint" child I guess you would say. My friends is extremely "spirited". I also think my friend lacks a little bit in the discipline department when it comes to her kids they can really be kind of wild and it seems like mine is always getting hurt lately. I have limited contact a bit.

We put both of them in a mother's day out program, same day, time and class. Just recently this little girl has been totally bulllying mine. Luckily the teacher let us both know and intervenes and separates them. This teacher even tells me what a handful the other girl is almost every week; there are only 6-7 kids in her class; so she is good about keeping a watchful eye out.

For my dd I told her if so and so is mean to you; tell her you will not play with her. My friend has been made aware of the situation and I guess told her dd that if she cannot behave she will not be going anymore.

I had that dd and her sister (5) over last week and this bullying does not seem to happen so much at my house and on my watch. I feel awful; it is hard to be the mom with the child that is bullied; and it is hard to be the mom of the bully; though like I said I think I would be more strict I feel she is too lenient about some things.

Recently at ballet her dd just ran up and pushed mine in the chest for no reason and I did raise MY VOICE right away and told her "so and so" don't do that; that hurts!!!!!!!! then my friend intervened; I am not sure she saw the whole thing she might have been writing out a check and I am not sure how she felt about that but enough is enough, she did grab her kid and drag her back (she was not even in the lesson just kinda running wild) and did say "so- and so you are so small to be such a big bully".
Ugh sorry to hijack, this has been bothering me to no end and I am not sure what else to do either.

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#6 of 8 Old 03-13-2005, 07:16 PM
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I had the same situation. Both boys were 5 and I loved hanging out with the mom. We just had to find activities where the boys wouldn't drive each other crazy. Hiking, beaches, parks, that sort of thing worked much better than at home. Also, we had to stay close by and get involved often not just go off and chat. When we would leave, dss and I would go over how it went, what he could have said, why a kid might seem bratty sometimes (his dad was leaving the family). I thought it gave dss and I a lot to talk about/think about/ develope empathy. I think it is important for kids to realize they can get along with someone with out being their best friend. There will people in life that you will have to find a way to work with. The friendship was important for me and got us out of the house doing things. Of course, it wasn't an everyday thing and he had lots of other playdates.
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#7 of 8 Old 03-13-2005, 07:53 PM
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I had that for awhile with my dd being the aggressive one, and I felt that we needed a break for awhile. We just talked a lot on the phone and made mom's night out dates. Now after a long break our kids are somewhat getting along again although it still takes effort on my part to reinforce the "be kind and share" rule. We have better success when we make a playdate someplace like the zoo or a playground, so it's neutral territory. The kids are not crammed together and they can't fight over toys or get bored and mess up the house. That's when a lot of the trouble starts.

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#8 of 8 Old 03-13-2005, 08:00 PM - Thread Starter
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Luckily, my friend is just as upset by this as I am. But the bad news is that DC doesn’t seem to be taking it well. I’ve been observing more and more examples of ‘sensitive’ behavior from her and these two things seem to be feeding off each other.

I think she has regressed into an overly passive role (giving away her toys, offering anything and everything to friends, playing whatever the other child wants, asking friends if they will stay forever). But, the regression is probably part of the cause as much as it is part of the problem.

I don’t know. It’s hard to deal with. Emotionally, to see her be so giving…desperate for approval is worrying in a way that I didn’t think it would be. I thought I would be proud by something like this, yk? But, I’m not.

But, hopefully, this is just a cross roads. We’ve had these situations before where DC regresses a little while she’s dealing with something and it’s usually followed by a really nice wave of development. A mom can dream, right?

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