How did you decide to have your second child (or more)? - Mothering Forums
View Poll Results: How did you decide to have your second child? Choose the one that BEST applies
To give the first child a sibling 22 20.75%
Always wanted x number of children 35 33.02%
Wanted to experience pregnancy and caring for an infant again 20 18.87%
Didn't exactly plan to have a second one! 15 14.15%
other (please explain) 14 13.21%
Voters: 106. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 29 Old 11-06-2002, 12:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Another fun poll. Just being nosy.

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#2 of 29 Old 11-06-2002, 12:50 PM
 
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Actually, dh had already decided that he didn't want more and was planning on getting a vasectomy. I was still wavering and trying to hold him back and at least sidcuss it. We were very surprised, but pleasantly so.
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#3 of 29 Old 11-06-2002, 01:51 PM
 
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I wish I could have picked more than one! This baby was so planned, it's almost crazy!

See, I didn't want only one kid. Gotta have sibs. And, I had really enjoyed having ds1. So, when he was abt 2 months old, I started telling dh I wanted another one. He laughed me off. I insisted. He finally said he was okay w/it. I started trying to conceive. Little did I know that I had to be fertile first : . So, I got a period when ds1 was 6 months old and apparently got pregnant the next cycle, b/c by the time he was 8 months old, I was preg again. I had my boy, and wanted a girl. That's what I got.

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#4 of 29 Old 11-06-2002, 02:00 PM
 
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My middlest was planned... Oldest was SUCH a high need baby (classic Dr Sear's description to a "t") that I told my husband (now ex) that we had to get pregnant right away again or I'd never have another baby and I definitely did not want an only child.
Youngest was planned as well, because I love having closely spaced children.
Next ones will come when they come... we are trying to conceive now and want 3 children together, at this point we are just going to let nature decide what spacing there is between them all!
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#5 of 29 Old 11-06-2002, 06:42 PM
 
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I am not sure which works best for us. I knew I wanted more and dd was just getting to that age where if we didn't have more soon it would be a huge space between them and dd might have trouble adjusting to no longer being an only child.

The third on was just naturally spaced and s/he isn't something we exactly decided on, we just didn't decide to wait.

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#6 of 29 Old 11-06-2002, 06:46 PM
 
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I voted for missed pg and wanted another infant. I always knew I wanted more than one, but wanted to wait until dd was ready. I saw how much my sis was affected, I came along 18 mts after her, and we were always in competition, and she felt she never had my mom to herself. SO, I waited until dd started asking for a sibling. Now, we've been trying so long, dd's getting frustrated! At least this child is wanted by all, even if he/she isn't conceived yet!

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#7 of 29 Old 11-07-2002, 12:00 AM
 
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other

never imagined I'd stop at one, but had given up hope of #2 making an appearance (i.e. given away most of the baby gear) when... he showed up

have no set idea of how many is the right number - I know it's not under my control
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#8 of 29 Old 11-07-2002, 02:00 AM
 
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I didn't vote because so many of those were right on, and I'd choose one, ponder it, then take it back, and finally decided that not one alone best fit us....

We always wanted four children, and we wanted four because DH has lots of sibs and I like large families (I know, I know, to some, four isn't large ), and I firmly believe that everyone should have a sib if it is at all possible. In our older age, who better understands the wholeness of our lives than our sibs? Who else can truly commiserate about our parents' craziness than our sibs? IMO, nobody. So I truly believe that sibs are good for that reason. And I also believe (and hold on to your hat, this is likely to be somewhat controversial) that only children have a selfishness that is almost insurmountable, and that it stems not from any terrible thing that the parents have done or that is in the person, but from the mere fact that all of that person's young life s/he has not had to share time, love and resources, thus it can be a terrible shock when the person marries and has children and suddenly has to divide time and attention, etc. Now, my two closest friends are onlies and I love them dearly, but I watched them really struggle with having families and giving up that sanctity of self. They are both exceptionally bright and loving people, but their primary complaints regarded those kinds of things, and so I attribute their struggles to having been onlies.

I also think it's healthy for parents to have less focus on any particular child. When you have only one child, you are able to attend to every little thing, but once you add another into the mix, you've suddenly lost a little focus, and, from my perspective, you give both kids a bit of a breather now and then, and I think that's healthy...now, that's from my overly anal perspective. I really focused on my ds before dd was born, and now I'm more likely to let some things slide, let him struggle just a tad now and then and find that he's capable, etc. It was harder for me to do that before dd.

And ultimately, I just picture kids running around our house, instead of kid. After dd was born, DH and I agreed that we were taxed and that the labor intensivity of AP parenting, while well worth every moment, might preclude us from having any other children. Now I'm starting to picture a third child in our family though, so we'll see. One of my friends said to me once that if you are asking if you should have another child, the answer is yes. If the answer is no, you simply know it.
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#9 of 29 Old 11-07-2002, 02:24 PM
 
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I don't have a second child yet so I can't vote, but we do wanna try for #2 next year.
We definitely wanted more than one as we feel siblings are more healthy. I wld like 3 but it depends how we do with 2, we already have our hands full with one! Still, I enjoyed my pregnancy, it was a very beautiful process for me, feeling a life growing inside of me. OTOH, it was also emotional sometimes as I recall my own childhood n how I was treated as a baby.
I always feel very grateful towards dd, she showed me my loving capacity and helped me be more patient and appreciate this world.
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#10 of 29 Old 11-07-2002, 07:04 PM
 
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I just wanted to say to anyone who is reading this thread and isn't sure if she wants a second child and is feeling guilty seeing all this "only children are selfish" and "siblings are more healthy": Read Maybe One by Bill McKibben, a book that summarizes the research on only children and the philosophical and societal issues regarding family size. I don't mean to say that anyone's observations are wrong, just that the research indicates that on the average onlies are not particularly different from kids with siblings.

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#11 of 29 Old 11-07-2002, 08:22 PM
 
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#12 of 29 Old 11-07-2002, 08:28 PM
 
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I voted "other". I don't really know how exactly we decided. I will say that our second child is the only one we "planned" on having. It's as if she knows it too. She's very spirited! Anyway, I always wanted six kids, dh was happy with two. I'm having our fifth in a few weeks! We're both thrilled, though.

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#13 of 29 Old 11-07-2002, 11:10 PM
 
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Ds#1 was not planned, but very wanted... we just weren't expecting that I would get pregnant when I did! Well, ds was such an angel baby that we pretty much decided when he was 1, that we ahd to have another one of these great kids. It took us forever to concieve #2 though, ds and dd are 4 years apart almost to the day. Logically, dd is the exact opposite of her brother! She's a real little spitfire!

We just realized early on that we loved our sona nd wanted to have more, ds is still a quiet, easy kid, and dd continues to rub it all in our face! She's great though...
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#14 of 29 Old 11-08-2002, 01:11 PM
 
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Leah,
I have to respectfully disagree that being an only child results in "selfishness that is insurmountable." While your experience might seem to prove this idea, my experience "proves" the opposite: I am an only child, and have honestly had little trouble adjusting to the reality of sharing my time, attention, etc. with my dp and baby. My partner, on the other hand, is the youngest of two, and has had a really tough time. He cherishes his alone time so much that he battles feeling resentful of the baby and her needs. A close friend who is the youngest of three also had trouble for the first year of her baby's life adjusting to losing control of her own time. And one of my closest friends, who is the youngest of 12 (!) is, hands-down, the most selfish person I know. I love her to death, but even she admits she's selfish and spoiled...
This is all to say that we can't make generalizations based on our own experiences.
If there are folks reading this who would like to stick with one child but are worried about raising a selfish or spoiled child, I would point out my extended family's style as a model. They "spoiled" me with love, but also pushed me to be independent, and to seek out lots of other people for knowledge, experience, advice, etc (my mom's refrain was that everyone I met was a potential teacher, and I should try to learn as much as I could from them). I became an independent but outgoing person, knowing that I had unconditional love and support behind me no matter what.
In other words, everyone is different, and what matters is how you raise your child or children, and not how many of them you raise.
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#15 of 29 Old 11-09-2002, 05:32 PM
 
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I only have one so far but I want to have another for the top 3 reasons you listed

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#16 of 29 Old 11-09-2002, 10:17 PM
 
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i'm going to vote other. I knew I wanted more that one, buyt thought I wanted them about 4 years apart. When ds was about 1.5 he was so independent I missed my baby. So along came dd when ds was 27 months old! They are the greatest siblings So sweet and loving. I'm so glad I didn't wait 4 years!
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#17 of 29 Old 11-11-2002, 05:49 PM
 
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I think my biggest reason for wanting another child is that I have absolutely loved being a mom, and watching my son grow up, that I want to do it again. And again. I really want three kids, but we'll see if I can even conceive the second baby first
I think I'll start another thread on the only child issue since it's off-topic but worth talking about...
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#18 of 29 Old 11-12-2002, 01:35 AM
 
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Another book showing that only children are really not much different from children with siblings, in fact, says onlies are much like first born children. "Parenting Your Only Child" by Susan Newman.
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#19 of 29 Old 11-12-2002, 01:17 PM
 
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Our oldest is the surprise baby But with her sister we were planning on waiting until DD#1 was 5. So much for plans-DD#2 made her apperance when DD#1 was almost 3. It really worked out well-my Mom got ill and passed away shortly after DD#2 turned 1. Which was when we were ttc #3.
So we're having only 2-can't imagine having a baby that won't know my mom .
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#20 of 29 Old 11-12-2002, 03:43 PM
 
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This may sound a *tad* crazy, but right after my daughter's first birthday DH and I basically sat down together and collectively said "let's do that again!"

The next month I was pregnant.

It really was a great time for us. Our extremely high-needs baby was becoming the very independent child we always expected she would become. My DH was getting the hang of the parenting thing finally (took him that long...really). I was recovered completely from my first pregnancy/birth. We had talked before about wanting a large family (5 or more kids), and hey, if we wanted a big family we had better get going!

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#21 of 29 Old 11-24-2002, 10:32 PM
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Totally unplanned, in fact i had scheduled to have my tubes tied when I found out I was pg. I always believed it would be me and my DD, now we have another little girl. Wouldn't trade her for the world, but was definitely a surprise!
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#22 of 29 Old 11-26-2002, 01:27 AM
 
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I always wanted more than one child and also didn't want ds1 to be an only child. It took 13 years to make him a big brother. With that age difference they are not very close. They do love each other but ds1 is to busy being a teenager. The next time I won't wait as long so they will be closer in age.
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#23 of 29 Old 12-03-2002, 06:46 PM
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Well, our first dd died minutes before her birth, and we really want to have a baby in our lives so now I am 18w with #2, concieved 5 months after Xiola's birth. We will definitely take a break after this baby, I would like to recover from the back-to-back pregnancies Both babies were/are very wanted but this baby was planned and Xiola was not.

My sister and I are 4 years apart and we were never really close, but I was old enough to be helpful and understand that the baby needed extra attention. So I am thinking it would be nice to have this baby and #3 be about 3 years apart... not sure if we will stop there or try for one more.
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#24 of 29 Old 04-28-2003, 03:04 PM
 
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in this thread, and I got chills...I wrote it on Nov 6th, and I conceived Nov 15th!!!! Pretty funky eh???

Okay, back to the OP!!!
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#25 of 29 Old 04-28-2003, 08:28 PM
 
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We knew we wanted 2- we discussed this before getting married. I always wanted 3, he felt strongly about 2- so I agreed. Now that we have our 2, we feel pretty sure we will have a third someday, but if not, we are perfectly content with our 2. I'm a little scared to think about another, but there was a thread somewhere else on the board talking about having 2, taking a few years off, then having another 2. That sounds ok to me. I like the idea of even numbers, not sure why, though.

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#26 of 29 Old 04-28-2003, 11:49 PM
 
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Pretty much ALL OF THE ABOVE.

It took a few years to talk Dh into it....... he didn't want any more.

I out-waited him.
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#27 of 29 Old 04-29-2003, 02:47 AM
 
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Baby #1 was a suprize, 2 I found out about when dd was 8mos old, was not planned, but it worked out well. My first ds was born 9 years latter, but was still born, I really wanted another baby so I tried again and ds #2 was born. I kind of feel like I would like to have one more for ds because his sisters are so much older. I don't really know if I could talk dh into it.
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#28 of 29 Old 04-29-2003, 04:41 PM
 
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neither of mine were planned just happened after the death of my first boy [ellery james beaulieu 7-13-00 - 7-15-00}we both grieved very differently and seperated but here we are a healthy boy and a happy family i say if you wait til your ready financially mentally youll never have children.
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#29 of 29 Old 05-01-2003, 06:30 PM
 
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My first dd (who will be 3 in July) was the calmest, most easy going baby. We didn't know too much about AP with her and she slept in a crib, but always very easily. We never did CIO, thank heavens. Anyway, in my empty little head I thought motherhood was easy. (SHe tricked me!!!!) and started wanting to 'do the pregnancy thing' again when she was about 4 months old. I held myself off and got pregnant when she was about 10 months old. I don't think we were ACTIVELY trying at the time, just not not trying. We had the biggest fight of our marriage career around the time dd #2 was conceived and dh was on the couch ALOT, so I don't really know how she was conceived....: Its all kind of a blur from here. But we were thrilled and thought it was a great space between the two (18 months). We changed our mind about that once Hero came along, a little bundle of intensity and high needs. But Hero is 15 months now and I (INSANE) am feeling the pull to do it again. The next one, I don't think, will be planned. We might just let it go and see what happens.
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