during these first few days, i tolerated way more crap from these people than i would tolerate from my own family, including:
1) MIL decided to tell me she thinks i am too young and risky for Dh, and that she feels i will eventually leave him and the baby.
2) Ds has been getting teeth and hence biting me occasionally, and MIL's advice, many times over, was "Just give him a little slap on the face when he does that!" not that she ever breastfed her babies.
3) MIL, again, lets me know she loved her babies more than i do, and got them every shot known to man , "and would have gotten more if they had them", and that ds was going to die because of me. to this i politley responded, "there are many books and articles i invite you to read if you would like to understand our decision to not get shots." and let it be.
4) FIL constantly felt the need to set ds down in this little Combi baby rocker we have (and use only when we're trying to do something important, like go to the bathroom and such) instead of holding him, without strapping him in so he can't flip out, and refused to return him to me if they weren't going to interact with him!
5)MIL: "you'll have to get him on the bottle, sometimes it's just easier to give him formula, like when you're out shopping or in church..." ... "...he'll have buck teeth if you don't give him a pacifier!" "i hate those Jew-stores where they're always raising the prices!"- this woman is so anti-semetic it makes me want to throw up all over her.
6)FIL told me he wants to kick homeless people when he sees them. he will never be alone with my son. period.
and tons more like this...
and i wasn't online the whole time to vent here at mothering. waa.
and i had a terrible stomach flu on Christmas eve, and ds had it too.
well, things really went wrong on Christmas day, when MIL started badmouthing me to dh in the other room where i could hear it. i decided to politley ignore it and wait until dh did something. well, the Inlaws left to get breakfast, and DH tells me they're leaving (cutting their trip 10 days short) because i am cold and hostile and refuse to vaccinate my baby. i felt very upset because this whole time i have catered to them the best i could and all. but really i was happy to hear they were leaving, sad only for tristan as he probably won't have much time overall with his grandparents.
they come back, it's christmas celebration time with food and presents, and my mother is over. they wouldn't speak a word to me or even look me in the eye while i was opening presents and thanking them. i tried really hard to pretend nothing had happened. ds was still sick and so was i, so we kinda had an excuse to keep to ourselves and just nap. the Inlaws made a few very rude jabs at me to my mother!!!! grrrrrrr. once it was all over and my mom left, i decided to bundle ds up and go for a little walk for air. i told karl, and went to get him dressed and in the sling. MIL follows me, and says:
" so you're stealing the grandbaby from us now, is that it?" oh she's so bitter.
i just said i thought it was ridiculous that they would cut their visit with ds 10 days short and yet complain about me taking him for a 20 minute walk.
she got very evil and called me cold and hostile and was quite riled up. i told her i wasn't into having this discussion, it didn't seem productive. then FIL and dh came into the room, and FIL proceeded to yell at me like i presume he yells at children (not that i would respect anyone who acted so to children) in a loud voice about how cruel i am, but he didn't manage to finish his sentence before i said, "ok, this is so weird and backwards, there will be no yelling at me or my son by anyone, i'm leaving and Karl, get them the hell out of my house,!!!!!!!"
and i left. Karl told them they had to get a hotel and made them walk to get one (well, it was only 2 blocks away... but still)
i am told that MIL told karl it was like i was in High School, yet another jab at our age difference...
anyway, i told karl i never want to see them again and that's that- seriously, i have disowned real blood family over less than that and i'm not even related to these crazies! They were so bitter and mean to me, to come to my home and judge me and the way i am raising my son, and try to pit my dh against me...arrrgh!
thanks for listening.
btw, dh supported me the whole time, saying i was a wonderful mother and he loved me. i love karl!
It's a shame they can't act like grownups and focus on loving the child. They are acting like spoiled brats, ignoring you and what not. And they accuse YOU of acting sophomoric when they themselves are the ones acting like losers in high school... ugh.
Sorry they turned out to be such a bummer.
You're definitely NOT evil.
Mama to a boy EnviroKid 10 years old and a little girl EnviroBaby !
I write about parenting, environment, cooking, and more.
Evergreen- Loving my girls Dylan age8, Ava age 4 and baby Georgia (6/3/11).
i love karl and he did a great job during all of this. i tried really hard to put my fear aside and hope for the best!
next christmas, it will just be me, karl, and tristan.
why is it that we, as a family, aren't completely nuts? are we going to go crazy like all the other families out there someday? are we already crazy and don't know it?
hmmm. i always read about the insidious inlaws but never really believed it. farewell to my innocence.
I am so sorry that you had to put up with that!
You did the *right* thing. Bless you all for going as far as you did for your DS. You will definitely have a merrier Christmas next year.
My Ex-In Laws are a bunch of fruit loops!!
Ex-DH was raised by his grandmother and didn't really know his mom. Well when we got married she decided it was time that he and she reunited.....
She flew out for our wedding and stayed with us for two weeks. This was the first time I had met her and the first time Dh had seen her in 20 years...She arrived about three days before the wedding which was right after Christmas our wedding was the first weekend in Jan.
Keep in mind I was 7 months Pregnant, with the stress of a wedding/baby/and the Holidays.....
The very first thing she had said to me when she walked into my house is......
"Well you don't look nearly as black as you do in the pictures" (I am mixed black and white and Dh is white)....Then she countinued to tell me how she could believe that DH's father was attending a wedding where there will be a black best man and can't believe that there will be a Jew there" (my best friends husband).......
She insisted on cooking dinner because she was sure the only thing I knew how to make was hamburger helper!
She would sit up after DH and I went to sleep and drink a 12 pack of beer everynight by herself.....which I had stressed over and over again that we don't really want alchol in our house.
She showed up 45 mins late for the wedding and was absolutley DRUNK!!!!
She then complained that DH didn't take her with us to the beach on our wedding night (How many mothers do you know that go with their sons on their honeymoon???)
She took down my Christmas tree because she was sure I would leave it up until Apral - and did my dishes because Lord only knows when I would get around to doing them.
Finally I had had enough!
After days of crying and being nit picked everytime DH wasn't looking I finally asked DH to take me to my mothers until she left!! Instead he asked her to cut her trip short and took her to the bus station.
We never heard from her again
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
you are model of virtue for standing it as long as you did.
I HAD in-laws like that, from my first marriage (except they lived in Ohio, not Michigan). THANK GOD I didn't have kids in that marriage, because you just described exactly what I'd have gone through with them, raising a baby. I know what that kind of person is like, and it's just awful.
Thank goodness you live so far away from them. Obviously Karl lives far from them *for a reason*.
My ex-MIL, when told we were thinking of adopting: "Well, I guess I would try to love them as much as my real grandchildren."
When told I was studying Latin American History in grad school: "Then why are you studying Spanish? Don't you need to learn Latin?"
When her son (my ex-h) was dying of cancer and the dr. was talking to everyone about making a final decision and asked if there were any questions :"Do I really need to be here?"
and on and on.
It's good you learned about them now, rather than later. And good for you for having the judgment and clarity to stand up to them. If they want to see their grandchild they'll need to treat you with respect and HIM with respect--and by standing up to them you're taking those first steps.
- Last year on Dh's birthday she told him that she would have rather had an abortion.
- Told Dh that she would pay his child support if he divorced me.
- That Dh's grandmother died of a broken heart because of what he and I had done to the family.
- That she would never forgive him for having been an alcoholic and that his anger over her abuse is an ongoing alcohol-induced delusion.
- That he died to her on the day we got married (which if true should mean that she wouldn't call here anymore, right?? I could be so lucky...)
- She should have just let him die when he was born - 8 weeks early.
- And my mother's favorite....tore her nightgown off of her body in a rage when Eric got home late from being out with one of his buddies (this happened when Eric was in high school, but needless to say, his buddy still hasn't spoken to him ten years later....)
Where do all of these crazy people come from....and how did Dh end up being such a kind and gentle soul.
What does this mean for the future, though?
I thouht my MIL was great until she convinced us to move across the US and live with her until we could get on our feet in the new state( she told us not to worry about money or anything and she would help us). So we did becuase it was the state my dh grew up in a neither of us are too fond of the south( you'll notice where we live again). So we moved all the way out there w/ our 5mth old daughter. Things were fine for a couple of weeks but them mil decide she didn't like how "possesive" I am of my dd. She then decides I don't do shit, I should stop breastfeeding and get a job asap so we can get the f*ck out of her house. She talked so much shit about me to my dh that he finaly had to tell her to shut the f*ck up and that I was his wife and she couldn't talk about me like that.
It was complete hell and we had no where else to go but to move all the way back here and live w/ my sis while we got money to rent a house. It sucked but I am so glad to be away from my mil. That has been 5 years ago and I haven't spoken to her since. I am sure she still hates me and would have a lot to say about my parenting.
Sorry about taking over your thead but I guess quite a few of us have crappy in-laws.
Tabitha, I'm so glad Karl did the right thing by his wife and son by standing up to his parents. Here's hoping you never see them again!
It was horrible, had to lie to dd about where Nana went...had to deal with feelings of why my mom has to be so self centered....how she can just never put her shit aside and be supportive. I will never have the chance to have another baby. Everyone knew this...even my doc...made a huge deal about how ds looked like dh and how God Blessed us....then my mom does her usual thing.
I didn't speak to her for one whole year and one month.
Ds is now17mos old and she just saw him at Thanksgiving....she is on anti-depressants.....and is a totally diff person....just came through another divorce and is doing well.
I have forgiven her. A year ago, it would have seemed impossible. She is the only grandma my kidswill have....and she does love them. That is enough for me.
Maybe someday things will be better with your MIL....you may never be close, but someday when ds is a little older, she will realize what a great mom you are....don't put hope aside. JUst focus in the future on what you have in common.....ds. It is so important for kids to have those relationships.
OUr dd now understands that we had amajor fight with Nana...and have forgiven her. Family relationships are complicated. And they take work and forgiveness.
Next time.I would not reveal info on not vaxing,etc...some people aren't going to get it. Just leave that kind of stuff out.
Healing family fights takes time...but sometimes, you just realize that certain topics are off limits...whether due to lack of education, or stubborness to learn.KWIM?
You are not evil! Though the MIL does sound like she is straight out of All MY Children(watched in college!)
Hope you're feeling better!
No offense but you sound like you think your inlaws are losers because they are not as educated as you. I think they are probably picking up on that. I am the most educated person in my and DH's family but you know I come from blue collar people, I wouldn't think someone is less of a person because of their lack of education or craft hobbies. I have very little in common with my in laws but I have accepted the fact that they are not going to wake up one day and magically be the sensitive, deep thinking type, and so what? I think my MIL has also had to accept that I am never going to be the woman she wishes DH had married. I am sure I have been a disappointment to her as a daughter in law, too.
I'm not crazy about my inlaws, esp. MIL who can be very possessive and competitive. We had a few rough years there where we had to make it very clear what we would not tolerate in terms of criticism, complaining to dh about me, etc.. You know, I think we encouraged her bad behavior by trying to kill her with kindness and by taking her rude comments over and over til I finally exploded. I have figured out that I cannot be too kind to my MIL because she is the type of person who feels people are either dominated or will dominate, and with her, I would rather be the top dog, you know? I am polite, I am firm, and I give her a little crap now and then in a joking way when I need to keep things from getting out of hand.
Anyway, my point is that I would not tolerate abuse from my inlaws but that it may be possible to set the boundaries and have a decent relationship for your child's sake. You should definitely not take any flak for your child's sake, but you may be able to get over your disappointment at your husband's family and get along all right. I will never feel deep love for my in laws but I feel we have set the boundaries on the important things (telling me how to parent or be a wife), and the little things (boring conversation topics, plastic toys with batteries for my child, suburban housewife gifts for myself) I let go. I have to respect that those reflect who my MIL is and not criticize her for it. I'm sure she thinks I am an idiot sometimes too!
i do not and will not lie to people by omitting the truth. as it happens, MIL brought up the subject of vaccination like this- over dinner: "oh, i hate those bad parents who don't get their baby's shots! it's a crime!" and i was not willing to just let it slide. i knew she would find out sooner or later that i was one of 'them' so i thought i should just come right out with it.
you see, i am not interested in making friends with anyone who is so bitter, angry & evil as to sweepingly judge others in my home. for politeness' sake, i was polite with my response, but had MIL been a woman on the street i would have very honestly told her why i don't vax and why i think its wrong.
my Inlaws' refusal to be educated is why when i began to tell them why we don't use pacifiers, they would not listen and changed the subject... MIL got a glazed look in her eyes whenever i tried to nicely let them know how we have chosen to parent Tristan.
my cruel mention of their tacky craft hobbies is just my childish way of feeling better- releasing steam. i know that anyone who witnessed my exchanges with the Inlaws could tell i did everything i could to make them feel welcome and interesting, and not inferior. after they left, though, i didn't feel that obligation.
i know they will be in Tristan's life to some extent, but they will never be alone with him. they live far away, are old, and can't afford frequent trips. good for them.
i don't feel as if there is anything i should do for Tristan's sake. if i choose to let it lie and forgive them, it will be for my sake. Tristan will learn about life and human relations one way or another, and i hope he will learn to stick up for himself like i did over christmas, not just with family but with everyone. there will be plenty of people who love him, he doesn't have to bend over backwards for people whose love is conditional and selfish. i think it is wrong to assume that extended family somehow has the potential to love him 'more'.
i am sorry to all of you who have similar inlaws!!!!
Homeschooling, Homesteading Mama to DD ('02) and DS ('04)
My Father, may he rest in peace, came to my house more than once and disrespected me in front of my children. I told him to leave. What surpised me is he did it more than once, which should have been enough.
My Father was making fun of me in front of my children and laughing about my lifestyle. He had no right to do that and I told him to leave.
Another time, he came to my home, and tried to get me to take in my teenage sister whom he could not control anymore. I wanted to help him, but I already had three young children at home and I had FIL, already a widower, living w/ me. I just said, "no".
My children are now grown and they respect me for it and they do not take rudeness from anyone and demand that anyone including some one who should know better (like a teacher ) respects them.
"One can easily forgive a child who is afraid of the dark; the real tragedy of life is when men are afraid of the light." - Plato
Either you'll be better off not being around such negative, disrespectful IL's, or they will change their tune and not act like idiots around you. I think possibly they will change a little and improve so that they can see their grandchild?
Anyway, they wouldn't have changed ever if you hadn't put your foot down - so great job.
|Originally posted by rosiesmama
I have very little in common with my in laws but I have accepted the fact that they are not going to wake up one day and magically be the sensitive, deep thinking type, and so what? I think my MIL has also had to accept that I am never going to be the woman she wishes DH had married. I am sure I have been a disappointment to her as a daughter in law, too.
Hang in there, Tabitha. It took my dh 6 1/2 years of marriage to stand up to his mom and that was a month ago at Thanksgiving when she lied to me for the last time... I am pleased for you that Karl seems to have his head on straight. Give the il's some time to adjust to your relationship and the new grandbaby before you totally write them off. My mil has a tendency to spout off something offensive to me before she even realizes that it could be taken wrong. I spend a lot of time feeling like I am tiptoeing around, but my dds have decent relationships with mil.
And caller id helps...
Eventually you might find that your ILs mellow a little. Mine hated me for years, and I was none to fond of them either. It took a long time, but we are OK now. I think it is a blessing that you live a long way from them.
And your dh rocks to stand up to them and back you up!
Apparently, while the Inlaws were out here and we went to Chinatown, I didn’t dress ds Tristan warmly enough and MIL ‘felt like she had to watch over me with Tristan,’ to make sure I don’t kill him. In my original post, when I was taking a walk with my son on Christmas day, and MIL came and said “So you’re stealing the grandbaby from us now, is that it?”, I am told that she was sure I would freeze him to death if we went out.
Moreover, one night while They were here I gave Tristan some Hyland’s teething Tablets, as he is very much teething. Of course the Inlaws do not understand and have no desire to understand homeopathy. Well, say 10 minutes later Tristan becomes calm again. No big deal, Karl and I are grateful he’s feeling better. But not MIL. She hovers over Tristan, telling us “something’s wrong with him!!! he’s too calm!!!” trying to get us worried, but we just respond, “no, he’s fine.” she even tried to flick at his feet to get him to somehow please her by being upset again!!!!grrrrrr. I finally said THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH MY SON! to get her to leave him alone.
Now that They’re back in Michigan where They belong, They’ve told Laura that we “doped him up” with these (homeopathic) teething pills, and they believe that his calmness was really epileptic shock.
To really put the cherry on top of all this, Karl told me yesterday that when he was bringing the Inlaws to the airport to leave, his Mother insinuated that they would help him take care of Tristan should he decide to leave me and take the baby with him.
Fortunately, my dh is sane, and would never leave me, and even if somehow he did would 1) never go near his parents’ home state and 2) never take Tristan with him.
I think, though, that if dh is at any fault (and he’s been really marvelous) it is this: he needs to let his parents know that he truly loves me, plans on spending the rest of his life with me, and feels as though we are good parents together. I don’t think they see us that way. I think they began judging our parenting skills back when we first got pregnant. Because our pregnancy was unplanned, they think we ‘weren’t ready’ or ‘didn’t want him’. None of that is true.
The less friendly side of my personality wants to call Them up and let them know just how unwanted THEY are.
I wouldn’t step in on Karl’s family, though, unless they were in my home.
Thanks for listening! tabitha
I'm once again reading your post and hooting away....my MIL told Dh that she _knew_ that he didn't want to live like this anymore and that she would pay his child support if he would divorce me....hmmmm. I could use the extra money lol
People who need respect are often the hardest to give it to-
I agree that noone should be a mat- but I think your DH and yourself handled yourselves quite appropriately and assertively-
GOOD FOR YOU!
giving my mom explanations and lectures often just gives her what she wants, a stage upon which to bicker and make herself the center of attention- I think you did justthe right thing- thankyou for your example.
I can not believe the audacity of these people and the way they treated you. It is quite disgusting. You ABSOLUTELY did the right thing by kicking them out of your home. Thank goodness you are married to a wonderful man that supports you and UNDERSTANDS that his parents are the strange ones.
Well so sorry this was your first encounter with your in-laws. But if it were me, it CERTAINLY would be the last. They sound like people from the movie Deliverance. Pretty scary.
You did everything in your power to make them welcome and they turned into lunatics before your eyes. Whatever happen down the road, NEVER let Tristan be alone with these people. These people sound like the kind of people capable of kidnapping for baby's own good...GEEZ!!!! So sorry this ruined your christmas...
That your MIL would make such a huge deal of such minor things does speak volumes about how much she can be trusted.
I wouldn't give her any info on anything. It really does sound like youdid the right thing.....some people do need to be kept out of our lives for our own good.
I think maybe your dh DOES need to go the extra mile and insist to his parents that you are both beyond capable in your parenting. And that he never wants to hear another thing on the subject. Period.
They sound crazy.
best of luck
I can't believe they ruined your first Xmas with your baby. GRRRRrrrrrrrrr
I know they were even worse than you had time to describe in your post, and I amd SO sorry you had to deal with their trauma!!