Children at weddings... Your thoughts - Page 5 - Mothering Forums

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#121 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 09:30 AM
 
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I have been reading this thread with interest. I had a Black Tie formal wedding and there were no kids invited. My husbands grandmother gave my dh some grief about her grandchildren not being invited. When he pointed out that he was also her grandchild she stopped talking to him about it.

If I had to do it all over again, now that I am a parent, I still would not invite kids. I dislike taking my children to affairs like the one I had. I do not get to enjoy myself because I am always worried about what they are doing/going/etc. I also enjoy the occasional night out without my children.

There were people who did not come to our wedding due to their kids not being invited. That was there right. I did not whine or rail at the G-ds that they were out to ruin my day. We just were invited to an affair where the kids are not invited. We are not attending due to the fact that a sitter will be too expensive for the amount of time we will be out. I am not angry my children were not invited. I would never dream about complaining about it. It is not my affair. I am an invited guest who can choose to attend or not. It is not a personal attack on me if someone does not want to pay for my children or if they want a very formal affair without children running around being children.

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#122 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 11:06 AM
 
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Okay Asherah, everyone is entitled to their opinions. Ours differ, of course, but that's the beauty of diversity. But I do have one more comment to put to you (and anyone else who might want to comment). Everyone here keeps talking about the bride and groom's right in a big, fancy, expensive wedding. What about private ceremonies? Are those selfish, too?

My dh and I (who were 30 and 45 years old at the time) decided that we wanted the ceremony to be for ourselves ONLY. We struggled with this decision for over a year but could come to no good alternative. If we had married in the US, it would have hurt his family in Turkey... if we had married there, my family would be hurt. Sometimes feelings are hurt, but you can't please everyone. And in the end, bride and groom should be the ones with the fond memories of this rite of passage. Not anyone else. And in the end for us... we made great plans to elope to Malta... we had the time of our lives, nobody's feelings were hurt and still at night we sometimes whisper to each other about our magical time there. And I have yet to meet a person that hasn't said to me, "Man, I wish we had done the same thing. By the time we got married, I was so tired of trying to please everyone, I just wanted to get it over with." That's sad. So just because it's the bride and groom's preference, doesn't mean it's a commercial consumerism nightmare. But no matter, it's still up to the couple.

I'm sure having a huge family wedding is best for some, but it's not for everyone and it's not up to us (as guests) to decide what is best for the bride and groom. Everyone should have the wedding of their dreams. If that means no kids, who am I to spoil the fun or get mad at them? I guess I'm just not so hypersensitive to think that if someone says "no kids" that it's a personal affront toward me.
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#123 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 11:12 AM
 
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Originally Posted by asherah
Um, well, nooo.. that is a simplistic and snarky interpretation of what I said.
I said I have no desire to be window-dressing at somebody's consumerist, selfish fantasy pageant.

Not inviting children is only ONE indication the wedding is going to be more about appearances and status than about community and family and love.
But it is a pretty GOOD indication.

And just reading the posts here confirm my views that peoples' priorities about weddings are soooo off.

And for the record, I don't whine or say anything unpleasant when invited to be someone's theater audience and asked to pay for a babysitter. I simply decline and send a nice gift.

But, again.. thankfully, my family and friends generally have their priorities straight about sacred rites of passage. So it isn't really a major issue in my life.

But really, if people think a wedding is just all "about the bride and groom".. I don't get why they don't just elope.
Or, if you don't care about the comfort of your family and friends.. if you don't care about creating community among the people who witness your vows..why not just hire well dressed movie extras? Your pictures would REALLY be just perfect, then. No reality at all to spoil your fantasy.
If you were to step back and actually read how you come across you would understand why ppl are taking issue with what you are saying. You are saying that just because I had a formal affair and wanted to look a certain way at my wedding, that I don't take my scared vows seriously. You also say that because children were not invited that I cared more about appearances then my family and friends. This could not be farther from the truth and you know nothing about me, my life or my committment to my family and friends. You are not just saying that you would not attend you are condeming anyone that didn't do what you did, which is wrong.

I have no problem that you don't see the point in a fancier wedding then you had but it does not make it wrong that I and others made that choice. Like many ppl said, it is the invitees choice to come or not, it is also their choice to discuss with the bride why they made that choice and the bride can adjust is she desires. But even if the bride won't adjust her wedding plan, that is HER choice, and she should be fine if ppl don't attend. I was not one of those brides, I would have made adjustments to accomodate babies, but if ppl didn't ask me to make adjustments and they just went around complaining about me, well then it's their fault now isn't it? You assume that most brides won't make adjustments.

I have been married 11 years and I know that despite my fancy, child free, brides magazine wedding I am more committed and content in my marriage then anyone else I know. My wedding was not a production, we had and still do have our priorities in place, and we took our vows very seriously.

It is you who has an issue as do others on this thread. It IS about the bride and groom, it is their party and they can invite who ever they want. And yes $$ is a factor, and ppl have the right to spend their $$ any way they want. And just because they don't spend it like you would does not make it wrong. That is my problem with the replies on this thread. It's ok to like what you like and to think others are wasting $$, it's not ok to say my priorities are out of line if I want to spend my $$ and my day differently then you might.

I also have to add that I agree that a wedding invitation is not transferable. If your sons name is not on the invite then he is not invited, period. I could care less whether your son goes or not in your place, your the one who has to deal with any fallout. Just wanted to share my thoughts on that.

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#124 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 11:14 AM
 
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velochic I think your wedding sounds lovely. And no you were not selfish, you did what rang true for you and that is what matters.

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#125 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 11:14 AM
 
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Originally Posted by oddeebean
I loved having kids at my wedding, they were all great and we had a separate room for them with movies and kid food when they got bored or cranky.

What a great idea!

Dani, wife to Cullen - 9/2002, mom to CJ 11/2004, Billy 12/2007 and Nora 7/2009
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#126 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 11:24 AM
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Originally Posted by TinkerBelle
I am not sure what you mean by that. But, a good guest politely declines when the circumstances of the invitation and event are not suited or convenient for them. A good guest also does not bring uninvited guests with him/her. And a good guest does not whine and try to get their way.
Ah, yes. A good guest is also respectful of her hostess. Thank you.
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#127 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 11:28 AM
 
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oddeebean I missed your post and I have to agree with Dani that sounds like a great idea. Most halls/hotels certainly have extra rooms where that sort of thing could be set up, and sitters could be hired.

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#128 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 12:08 PM
 
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I can't find a post to quote, but it seems to me that a lot of the tension around kids not being invited has to do with families traveling long distances. So, is it or is it not about kids actually ATTENDING the service/ceremony or it is about having to leave kids at home (a great distance from the wedding... I've been reading about separate rooms, babysitting, etc. during the ACTUAL wedding ceremony.) Because for me, I would just be upfront with the couple and say, "Hey, we're traveling 1000 miles to be at your wedding, I have a nursling/toddler (who might be a nursling), can you arrange for the young ones to be taken care of during the actual ceremony?" I'm getting the picture that "wedding" is not meaning "ceremony" in this thread, but rather the WHOLE WEEKEND surrounding the 30 minutes of vows and music.

ETA: I don't mean just a nursing child above because at almost 4, dd has never spent a night away from us. There is no way I'd leave her at home to just go to wedding. But it's MY decision to decline the invitation.
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#129 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 12:12 PM
 
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And BTW - where is Zombiwaif, who started this thread?
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#130 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 04:52 PM
 
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Originally Posted by velochic
And BTW - where is Zombiwaif, who started this thread?

She got scared and left :LOL

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#131 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 08:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MamaBug
It IS about the bride and groom, it is their party and they can invite who ever they want.
Uh, no, traditionally it is NOT.
Weddings were not "about the bride and groom" until quite recently, and even now, not everywhere, thank goodness.
Weddings were traditionally about two families forming an alliance.

And they were about calling in the community to witness a joining.
Because people have always know such joinings are difficult to maintain.
They felt having witnesses to remember the vows would help keep the couple together in difficult times.

The whole "about the bride and groom" thing is a very modern invention.
And yes, in my opinion, it is a lousy, selfish evolution of a tradition that once spoke of connectedness and community.

I don't think those of you who prefer the fancy, showcase weddings are BAD people.
But yes, I don't agree with or respect your choice.
I can't imagine why you care, I am just a perfect stranger on the internet.
Why should you care what I think?
I am just talking on a discussion board, not calling for you to be publicly flogged.

U.S. culture has become utterly devoid of meaningful rites of passage.
So many things have been stripped of their sacredness and turned into showcases. That includes many modern weddings. In MY little, unimportant opinion.


The rest of you can are all free to do what you want.
But I don't have to like it or respect it, and I don't have to participate in it.
And I don't, and I won't.
Does this mean I am casting judgement on your very existance as a human being?
Noo. It means I don't agree with your choice in this matter.



And to answer another question posed to me.. no, I have no issue with private weddings. I think they are completely appropriate alternatives. Then, you can do whatever you want without asking other people to sacrifice or pay for sitters or be uncomfortable in any way.


And for the record, I don't know why people equate inclusive weddings with LARGE ones.
I had a very small wedding.
Close family and friends only.. just the people who we NEEDED to witness our joining.
We chose to spend our money making these few people feel as comfortable and welcomed and valued as we possibly could, to show our gratitude for their coming to witness for us. We were GRATEFUL to them for coming to support us. We chose to focus on our COMMUNITY, not on ourselves. A rather different perspective than "its all about the bride and groom."

Interesting how offended people are getting here.
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#132 of 167 Old 10-15-2005, 10:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by asherah
Uh, no, traditionally it is NOT.
Weddings were not "about the bride and groom" until quite recently, and even now, not everywhere, thank goodness.
Weddings were traditionally about two families forming an alliance.

And they were about calling in the community to witness a joining.
Because people have always know such joinings are difficult to maintain.
They felt having witnesses to remember the vows would help keep the couple together in difficult times.

Okay, if we're going to go down this road as a justification for looking with contempt at 'modern' wedding etiquette/customs...let's not forget that weddings (and more importantly MARRIAGE--at least in the Western world) owe their very existance to *property* rights, sucession, and consolidation. This is more or less universal across cultures. Parents used their children to gain property, to settle a political affair, ect. Marrying for love, or for a sacred vow between two *individuals* is extremely modern.

People who didn't have property or some other holding by and large did not marry at all--that was true even well into the 1800s in this country (and one of the reasons why the median age of marriage then was almost as high as it is now). And marriages stayed together not because of the couple being afraid of breaking their vows to each other, but because of the implications it would have both on their social standing and potentially the destruction it would cause their families. Not to mention the fact that for the woman (though by no means was the man exempt from this) virtually useless to her family, which might very well but her in mortal danger.

People NOW marry (predominantly, in this culture, whatever qualifications you wish to add on here) for love. The love BETWEEN THE INDIVIDUAL PEOPLE. People don't have to wait until their parents arrange it, or for someone to die and give them an inheritance. In most cases, they will not be killed for marrying the wrong person. Disowning, in our current Western society, is practically meaningless. It is not, pragmatically, a union between two families--it's only rarely that the two families even know each other well in the beginning, and most of the time the couple is treated as a separate, individual unit that divides their time between the two larger families--they do not solidify into one larger clan.

It's perfectly logical, given modern behavior and how the very nature of marriage has changed over time, that people assume that a 'wedding' is all about the bride and groom. Because 90 percent of the time it is. One hopes that the B&G will welcome all of those important to them with open arms. But the wedding as a stand-in for the unification of two distinct clans into one is no more realistic than expecting the birth of a child to welcome the mother into a new sacred circle of grandmothers, mothers, sisters, aunties, greataunts, ect. where childrearing is shared and taught and the burden is shared. We might agree that it SHOULD be this way, but it's not for a lot of people--and I would hope that no one would shove it down an unwilling person's throat.

It's insulting, and hurtful even on a primal level, when you try to force your idea of the sacred onto someone else and openly mock anyone who feels differently. No one is saying that you can't see your wedding as a sacred ritual. For you, it might well be a communal sacred event--I'm happy for you, and probably would enjoy going to that kind of wedding. Others may not be as enlightened (they may be going through their own traditional path, or influenced by the 'should' list), or they may--frankly--not see their personal vows as something that the larger community should have any input on.

I hate large social events. We eloped to Las Vegas, and it was loads better than my first marriage, even though 'the relatives' bitched about it. They had their choice to come or not, and most didn't. But you see, I am a largerly clanless person, as is DH, and our primary committment is to each other. Our wedding was not a sacred community/family space. It was a way to celebrate OUR personal committment to each other. When I look at other people choosing to celebrate their committment in a way that makes me cringe, I think about how it made me feel to have relatives who didn't even bother to find out how I felt or why I felt that way denigrate my choices and saying in a very ugly way that they were going to punish me by not coming and loudly proclaiming that they weren't going to honor it with a gift (even though I didn't give a rat's behind about gifts, we already had too many belongings as is--the contempt HURT). Yeah, that turned out to be a big blessing in disguise. But I do remember how horrible that made me feel, and I won't do that to someone else.
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#133 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 11:20 AM
 
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Very well said.

asherah, I honestly don't care what you think of my wedding. My wedding was everything my husband and I wanted and needed it to be. It was wonderful, beautiful, meaningful, full of tradition, and was also witnessed the ppl who mean the most to us.
You just proved my point in your post though, you only invited the ppl YOU needed there. What if there was someone your mother or father needed there, I am sure you never considered or even asked them. But whatever, you had the wedding you wanted.

The reason ppl got upset is not that you personally don't like those kinds of weddings but that you are saying they don't take their vows as seriously....which is just rude. This is a large message board of mostly kind and caring ppl, we try hard not to purposely hurt each others feelings and I feel that you didn't even take that in to consideration in most of your posts. Please re-read your posts and you will see that. Again, I don't really care what you think but it is rude to make judgements of ppl that you don't know.

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#134 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 11:31 AM
 
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I too think it's up to the bride and groom and the atmosphere and style wedding. In NY and an italian wedding we had it is very dressy and formal and fun. Young children are usually not included, plus, who would want to keep their child up till mindnight anyway. Our wedding started cocktail hour at 6pm and reception at 7 and the people had to get people off the dance floor at midnight after the venetian hour (sp?). Our nephews were included in the wedding party...they were 4 and 7 at the time and they had a blast and ended up crashing around 10pm sleeping on the couch in their tuxes. Too cute. But luckily, i didn't have any really close younger children to worry about, I did though had two friends with infants and they were very happy to get a sitter and enjoy a night out. It is kind of understood with our "type" of weddings, ya know, NY, italian weddings..lol...big and loud, just kidding!

edited to say, kids were welcome to our ceremony
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#135 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 12:17 PM
 
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Actually, I DID ask.
My mother asked that I also invite my aunt, so I did.
My mother-in-law also had a request, which we honored.
Talk about making some utterly unfounded assumptions.
You don't like what I have to say, so you post assumptions about my behavior? Give me a break.


I am not foisting my views on anyone. Am I crashing weddings and demanding they be halted or re-worked to my satisfaction? Am I sending nasty letters with my regrets? Am I dissing everyone's wedding irl at the top of my lungs?

Uh, no. I have said REPEATEDLY that all I do irl is send polite regrets and a gift.

I am expressing an opinion on a discussion board. That is rather different than foisting my views on others. Aren't discussion boards places where you discuss things? Or am I to be silenced because I have a point of view you don't like?

Others are choosing to take those opinions very personally, as though I had posted "hey so-and-so, I think you are a selfish twit and your wedding sucked."

I made general posts on a general topic.
I haven't attacked anyone personally and I have not foisted anything on anyone. And nowhere.. NOWHERE.. did I say that "they don't take their vows as seriously." That is you putting words in my mouth.

I am not one bit ashamed of or sorry for my opinion.

I think most modern weddings are shallow, consumerist showcases and I don't want to be a part of them.

I think children being excluded is a big warning sign of a shallow showcase, so when my child is excluded, I automatically send my regrets.

If you want to take that personally.. or make all kinds of other assumptions based on it.. not much I can do about that.

But I am actually NOT the one who has made personal comments about anyone here.
Others, however, have certainly chosen to make personal comments about ME.
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#136 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 12:29 PM
 
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* never mind *
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#137 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 02:10 PM
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Our wedding was a family event. We included all the kids (except my DH's 2 year old cousin who was too young to care) in the wedding party so that they would feel like an important part of our day.

The wedding was not formal. We played sports and went swimming after the ceremony. It was held outdoors at my mom's home. We prepared most of the food ourselves and my mom's wonderful neighbours volunteered to take care of barbecuing and serving the food. We arranged for my cousin's 16 year old daughter to bring her best friend with her. As soon as all the kids had eaten, the two 16 year olds took them all over to the next door neighbour's (parents of three of the flower girls) home to watch a movie while the adults had dinner and toasts.

It was absolutely my idea of a perfect wedding day. The aforementioned 2 year old cousin followed his six year old sister up the aisle, picking up the flower petals she was scattering and telling everyone, "Nina made a mess!" It was funny and perfect and I wouldn't have had it any other way.

All that said, that was our idea of what we wanted. It was also what we could afford. It's lovely now to talk about our wonderful, homemade, do-it-all-ourselves wedding that, despite a 100+ guest list, cost us less than most people's wedding clothes, but it was not so much a choice as a necessity since we were both grad students and didn't have the money for a more formal event. Had we had the money, we probably would have shelled out for catering, a photographer and a rain location. (We got lucky; it didn't rain.)

I think it is absolutely the couple's choice. They can choose to honour their commitment however they see fit. I personally prefer weddings with children, but that's what is meaningful to me. I do not expect everyone in the world to share my ideas of what is and is not important!

Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
I think most modern weddings are shallow, consumerist showcases and I don't want to be a part of them.
That's so sad that you feel that way. I think that while this does happen, more often than not, people (especially brides) just get all swept up in the planning and forget what the wedding is really about: starting a marriage. However, I think it's pretty rare that the real meaning completely escapes them. Just because they aren't showing it the way you would have them show it doesn't mean they don't feel it.

professor & maman de DS1 (6) & DS2 (1)

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#138 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 04:39 PM
 
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Actually, I DID ask.
My mother asked that I also invite my aunt, so I did.
My mother-in-law also had a request, which we honored.
Talk about making some utterly unfounded assumptions.
You don't like what I have to say, so you post assumptions about my behavior? Give me a break.
Seems your just as upset about ppl making assumptions about you as the rest of us. You have done exactly the same thing on this entire thread.

Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
I made general posts on a general topic.
I haven't attacked anyone personally and I have not foisted anything on anyone. And nowhere.. NOWHERE.. did I say that "they don't take their vows as seriously." That is you putting words in my mouth.


I don't think I am putting words in your mouth when you make the following statement you are saying that ppl aren't taking their vows seriously they are playing fantasy dress up

Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
I guess I also don't get the whole "dreaming of the perfect wedding day" thing.
It is about the MARRIAGE, not some play-fantasy and pretty dress.
It is about sacred vows, not place settings.


Quote:
Originally Posted by asherah
I think children being excluded is a big warning sign of a shallow showcase, so when my child is excluded, I automatically send my regrets.
Again your making assumptions that if ppl want an adults only event that they are shallow. You may not have named ppl on this thread but you ARE making assumptions about everyone on this thread that didn't do things your way. There have been many ppl on this thread who have said, "I think children should be included for the following reasons and this is why we did." They did not make statements about ppl's character if they decided not to have children attend.

At this point I will agree to disagree with you but you can't expect ppl to not get upset when they feel you are making assumptions about them, much like you yourself got upset when you thought I was making assumptions about you

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#139 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 06:00 PM
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I think most modern weddings are shallow, consumerist showcases and I don't want to be a part of them.
I've been thinking about this some more today and would like to expand on what I posted earlier. ("I think it is absolutely the couple's choice. They can choose to honour their commitment however they see fit. I personally prefer weddings with children, but that's what is meaningful to me. I do not expect everyone in the world to share my ideas of what is and is not important!")

There has been discussion here about the traditional role/function of weddings. I view the more modern emphasis on a wedding day being "the couple's day" as less about letting them do whatever they so selfishly desire, and more about allowing them to honour their commitment in a way that is meaningful to them.

Different people have different personal traditions, different ideas of what is sacred, different values, different conceptions of importance, etc. There were things that we did at our wedding that were extremely meaningful to us. For example, we flipped for last name at the ceremony. (I won, and DH took my name.) For us, that was an important manifestation of our commitment to an equal partnership. However, I would never suggest that everyone else should do that or worse, that if they don't, they don't have an equal partnership!

Similarly, while we welcomed children at our wedding because we felt that they are an important members of our circle of family and friends, I would never suggest that a couple planning an adults-only wedding feels less strongly about children. They may simply wish to have a more formal wedding. Nothing wrong with that.

professor & maman de DS1 (6) & DS2 (1)

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#140 of 167 Old 10-16-2005, 08:43 PM
 
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Prennamama, that's what we did. I wanted my wedding ceremony to be a sacred, quiet event. But I LOVED the children in my life.

We had no children at the ceremony in the church-- even the flowergirls and ring bearer did their thing and split-- because they were all set up in the church nursery having a pizza party!

The reception was also on site, so when it came time to party, the kids were all welcome there and it was great fun.
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#141 of 167 Old 10-17-2005, 01:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by UUMom
Now, now. You're not paying attention. The wedding i am talking about is cutting off anyone under 21.

I like a nice wedding as much as anyone.
Now, now, you're not paying attention. I'm talking about you.

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#142 of 167 Old 10-17-2005, 06:43 PM
 
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Mamabug--
My posts have been generalized.
Yours have been directed at ME personally.
There is a huge difference.

Now, you clearly TOOK my posts personally.. but none of them were leveled at YOU or anyone else here.

They were general observations.. my opinions about my universe.

Your posts... and your assumptions.. were directed at me by name.

There is a VAST difference.
My posts were general, yours were personal.
You may refuse to see the distinction.. but there is one.

And of every response to me here.. only Tigerchild responded to the actual CONTENT of my posts.

You made the discussion about ME.. even though I said nothing personal about YOU.

Tigerchild, you made some valid points. Though most of what you say is true specifically of upper class westerners.

There are plenty of other cultures for whom weddings were.. and ARE.. for that matter, a reaffirmation of tradition and community ties. And yes, I see more beauty and meaning in that then I do in "its all about the bride and groom." And so do my family and circle of friends, thankfully.

Do I care if others don't have these same values? No.. but I don't care to spend time, energy and money attending their weddings, either. Does this mean I think they are horrible human beings? No. It means I disagree with a choice they are making, and don't choose to put my energy into it.

This hardly amounts to forcing my views on them. And it hardly amounts to heaping personal insults on anyone.

And again, I have never EVER said that people who have other kinds of weddings don't take their vows as seriously. I have said I don't think their WEDDINGS EXPRESS the sacredness of the vows when children are exluded.. and when emphasis is put on the trappings instead of the people.
There is a HUGE distinction.

If other people want to read personal insults into my words.. and put their own spin on them for their own reasons..
well, that is up to them.
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#143 of 167 Old 10-17-2005, 08:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by asherah
I am expressing an opinion on a discussion board. That is rather different than foisting my views on others. Aren't discussion boards places where you discuss things? Or am I to be silenced because I have a point of view you don't like?
You go, girl.

I happen to share your point of view on big, expensive weddings. Dh and I were married at City Hall before going off to work...
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#144 of 167 Old 10-17-2005, 08:43 PM
 
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My wedding was kid friendly. I had children in my wedding party, neices/neph, and those who had children were allowed to bring them. However, i have been to two weddings where children were not allowed. I agree it's the couples choice and we had lots of fun at all the weddings, and those that our duaghter did not go to--she had special grandpa/grandma time and i had the "night off" (no fighting to behave, no worrying about noise-just relax and enjoy). Not to mention some much needed time alone for my husband and I(PRRRRR ).
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#145 of 167 Old 10-17-2005, 09:19 PM
 
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I've come to the conclusion that weddings don't say that much about the marriage that follows. A beautiful wedding is no guarentee of a beautiful partnership. I have lots of opinions about marriages, but I don't have many about weddings - except please don't expect me to come if I have to hike 5 miles into the forest, and give me a CLUE about what to wear.
Sometimes those that spend the least amount of time planning the wedding (JofP on the spur of the moment) have spent the most time on the relationship. Or not. :
At least for the youngest brides, the wedding often says more about her mother's life than her own. Some battles aren't worth fighting with Mom - or the couple doesn't know that there will be a line in the sand sometime - make it NOW. :
Of course, sometimes you just intuit that things are gonna go well - the bride that can't stop sobbing long enough to walk down the aisle - the groom that makes jokes at the bride's expense.
But for the most part, my experiences have told me that weddings seldom reflect the values of the couple - there are many more cooks in the kitchen than that.

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#146 of 167 Old 10-17-2005, 09:50 PM
 
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At our wedding I was 7.5 months pregnant and we went ahead with a fairly involved ceremony and reception. We are both pro-child and pro-family/community and I was pregnant anyhow - how could I exclude kids even if I thought that was what I wanted?!

Anyway, our ceremony was short but a fairly sacred ritual that I wanted to be held in quiet attention by the guests - not frenzied or chaotic the way it can be with little ones. So our solution was to hire 4 teenagers to oversee a playroom on site. (Of course in-arms babies were welcome at the ceremony and we even had a 4 week old crying at a perfect part of the ceremony when the officiant spoke of our babe to be!) Then, after our vows, the children joined us for dinner and dancing. We even rented high chairs, included each child in our seating arrangement and gave name cards for all the children no matter their age or size. We even added a special pasta dish just for the kids in our buffet line.

Basically, we tried to balance and honor both our need for sacredness and attention with making the children feel honored and welcomed too. It worked perfectly and the parents were also thrilled to have the best of both worlds - time to be attentive and focus on the ceremony and to have their little ones with them. Eventually, by the end of the evening, since dancing went until very late, the kids even returned to the playroom for napping on blankets and quiet reading.

If anyone you know is planning a wedding and they ask for your input in advance, please share this idea with them. Everyone commented actually on the great way this came off.
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#147 of 167 Old 10-17-2005, 11:59 PM
 
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asherah this is the last time I plan to comment on this thread and don't worry I won't quote you. I specified YOU because you seemed to be the only one bashing ppls priorities and questioning how sacred they made their vows. If you read your posts, one of which came directly after mine and was *generalized* about things I said, you SHOULD understand why I directed my posts at you, but I am sure you will continue to feel that you said nothing wrong or offensive. For the record read some more and you will find that I was not the only one to be offended by what you had to say. But I am done arguing, as you said it's just a message board and I should not care about others opinions.

We may not have it all together, but together we have it all
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#148 of 167 Old 10-18-2005, 12:10 AM
 
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I don't mind when you quote me.

I mind when you paraphrase me inaccurately and misrepresent what I am saying because you insist on taking it as a personal attack.
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#149 of 167 Old 10-20-2005, 10:34 PM
 
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I can't stand when children aren't invited to a wedding. Weddings should be about families and leaving children out minimizes their role as a full member of the family. My stepsister had, IMO, the ultimate in tackiness. Her own child came to the wedding but no one else's was allowed. We had to come from out of town for the wedding. I wouldn't have gone, but my dad was home from overseas just for the wedding so I went to see him for a bit. I stayed at the hotel with ds while everyone else went to the wedding. Really says a lot about the importance of family in that marriage, right?

Also, I would NEVER leave my kids with some yahoo I don't know buildings or rooms away from where I am.
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#150 of 167 Old 10-21-2005, 04:43 AM
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Originally Posted by Zombiewaif
I absolutely hate it when children are excluded from weddings. Have you ever seen just how much fun they can make an event like that. I love watching the little dears get up and dance. They have fun, and if you're like me you enjoy yourself because your children are enjoying themselves. Babies SHOULD be welcome due to feeding schedules etc, it's not like the bride and groom are paying for them to eat, and every wedding we've gone to I've worn my baby, which as we know keeps them calm.
yup... chidlren are not lesser people and are excluded far too foten from events. To sum it up... hey should be invited to celebrations.
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