What do you say when others bring up pregnancy/birthing/parenting issues? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: What do you say when others bring up pregnancy/birthing/parenting issues?
I keep quiet. They probably wouldn't understand/respect my 'crunchy-granola ways' 9 4.76%
I go into detail only if they seem receptive. 110 58.20%
I tell them exactly what I think. Its important to expose people to better ways to raise healthy children 58 30.69%
I've been known to get into heated debates over such issues. I like a good argument. 12 6.35%
Voters: 189. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 01-07-2003, 05:15 PM
 
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I am a young mother and before I was pg I thought it odd to bf past 12 months and freely talked about my views. I had friends who did extended bfing and didn't understand it. I also thought I would have drugs and an ob. Well, today with a 9 month old my views have changed. We bf and bottle feed. We pretty much co-sleep and I had a mid-wife with no pain killers. i was however induced babe was two and half weeks late. My APing friends didn't preach they showed me. they talked abouth the ups and downs. Now I am trying to encourage a someone I know to bf when she has kids and to not be to upset if babe ends up in bed with you. I hate it when people preach or say it's the way it should be done. If it works for you do it.
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Old 01-07-2003, 10:20 PM
 
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Eventually, my 18mo dd will be proof of the effectiveness of APing. But now, my words don't have a lot of back up. She's sweet, intelligent, and empathetic, but to others, she's shy and clingy. And she is. The mainstream mommas I know probably think that my parenting style has fostered dependence, and independence is very important to them. But I know without a doubt that dd was born with a fear of abandonment. I can't bring myself to force her to stay with a baby sitter, because I'm afraid that all my hard work to get her to trust that I will never abandon her would all be for nothing. I am convinced that our AP ways are doing good, not harm. But it's difficult for other parents to see that.

One way I've been trying to expose strangers to APing is to tell them to look up Elimination Communication info on the internet. Some people expecting babies have noticed that we are toilet training dd, and I tell them that it's easy because we started EC when she was 8 months, and that I wish I'd known about it earlier. Many of the EC sites have some info about AP. And EC itself requires a bond between parent and baby that is not encouraged by mainstream society. My subtle way of spreading enlightenment.
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Old 05-04-2003, 07:01 PM
 
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I always speak my mind on any subject matter, sometimes it's met with questions, sometimes with excuses on why that wouldn't/couldn't possibly work for them. Like nursing or no meds childbirth(although that wasn't really planned). My mother even said my children were not "normal" cause they didn't wake up extra early just to watch cartoons. Whatever. I'm not raising them to be freaks, hello!
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Old 05-04-2003, 07:49 PM
 
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I didn't vote because although I tell people exactly what I think, it's not because I think they need educating and I am some kind of expert or that I know best. I just like letting people know there are other parenting styles available.
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Old 05-05-2003, 10:51 AM
 
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Ditto the posters who hold up their children as 'models.'

I used to feel like a couple we know thought we were nuts because of how we do things.
Now that they're pregnant, I hear that they talk about us all the time and admire our children and they way we do things.
I try never to be pushy, but to calmly state what we do and what works for us. My mother was always this way. She generally didn't 'pipe up' on things unless she felt it was really necessary and then she made a simple inoffensive comment to provoke thought and leave an opening for follow-up.
I don't think I'll ever be as good as she is, though!

My usual comment is that it works for us, or there are other ways, or something to that effect. I also like to act as though mainstream is not! (I'm lucky to have a large circle of non-mainstream friends) So I can truly and sincerely say things like, "Really! I don't know anyone who makes their babies go to sleep crying alone in a crib!" and "Circumcision? No one does THAT to their babies anymore!" etc.

I did recently miss a baby shower that I wanted to attend, even though I had misgivings about being the only natural parenting mother there--most of the other folks would have been childless or from the last generation. Oh well--can't 'save' them all, LOL!

I remember when we were planning a family, we had two very different families we knew. One family was always immaculately dressed and miserable, horrible to be near, keeping-up-appbearances and what-will-people-say. The other had kids who were always disheveled and wrinkled, they did things their own way, and swam upstream but were, and still are a joy to be around. I looked at those two very different families and had no doubts about which I preferred to emulate.
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Old 05-05-2003, 09:16 PM
 
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It really depends on the crowd, and how tired I am of defending my parenting style.

I LIKE talking about how we raise our son (but I like it better when my audience supports what we do).

But given that I don't know any other cloth diapering or EBF'ing mothers, that supportive audience isn't always around!
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Old 05-05-2003, 11:53 PM
 
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Not much. I don't think I have a lot of credibility with mainstream moms, or my parents for that matter, because I am soft spoken, and I rarely complain about my house/kids/husband. I firmly think that if someone wants my opinion they'll ask for it.

How could they know what a plethora of information they're passing by? . That said, if I think I can help someone, or pass along information to someone who is looking for it, I will. I also don't hesitate picking someone's brain for information, and asking a million questions (right sohappynow? ).

I loved my birth, I love my girlie and being with her is my favourite thing to do. It seems few of my peers feel the same way.

Jen
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Old 05-05-2003, 11:55 PM
 
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I've parented my children both ways. With my oldest, I co slept until he was 4.5 years old and I only nursed him for 6 weeks . With the twins, we still co sleep (as much as possible) and I only nursed them for 2 months. With the baby, he's slept with us since the day he came home, he doesn't know what a pacifier or a bottle is, he's still BFing (he's 18 months old), he still goes everywhere in a sling (unless he wants to walk ), and I'll be darned if he isn't the most independent, well-behaved child of them all. I think that gives APing a wonderful endorsement, don't you? When ppl comment on how independent Hunter is, I tell them our AP story. Then, either they : or they .
When my sister said she was weaning her baby (he's 5 mos) I almost because I feel so passionately about BFing. At least do that for the baby!!!! Can't change 'em all, as my DH says....But, I can Try!!!!!
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Old 05-06-2003, 01:41 PM
 
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On the other side of the fence, I've had people come up to me while I am cuddling my Goo and giving her a bottle and actually say "how can you be so cruel to you baby by giving her chemicals? You should be breasfeeding. It's natural" Man that pisses me off. a) I understand the benefits of BF and the benefits of FF b) you don't know me, or my situation so how do you know that I didn't bf? c) what is it your business anyway?

however, if someone had asked me how I felt about BF, I would tell them my views (Strongly support others, didn't work for me).

There are no "RIGHT" ways to parent. There are only things that we all recognise as wrong.
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Old 05-07-2003, 10:51 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by MamaOui
I am somewhere in the middle of all of this. If I hear someone giving false information to another mother, I will chime in with stats and my own experience. Like if I hear another mother tell a new mom that co-sleeping is dangerous, I just can't let that slide.

I am also someone who is vocal about the things I do. If someone asks me about the sleeping patterns of my children, I will go into detail about co-sleeping and breastfeeding. Or if someone tells me I carry my babes too much or that boy my back must hurt because I carry my babe so much, I tell them about the wonders of a sling or good front carrier.

I parent with pride,
Kerry~mama to Max and Ivan

Thank you Kerry.....I knew I wanted to post to this topic, but couldn't find the words(major mamma mush brain) and your ideas are right on...I feel exactly the same...Thank you

Free To Be~
Traci
"Living is learning and when kids are living fully and energetically and happily they are learning a lot, even if we don't always know what it is."
~John Holt 

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Old 05-07-2003, 11:37 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Foobar
On the other side of the fence, I've had people come up to me while I am cuddling my Goo and giving her a bottle and actually say "how can you be so cruel to you baby by giving her chemicals? You should be breasfeeding. It's natural" Man that pisses me off. a) I understand the benefits of BF and the benefits of FF b) you don't know me, or my situation so how do you know that I didn't bf? c) what is it your business anyway?

however, if someone had asked me how I felt about BF, I would tell them my views (Strongly support others, didn't work for me).

There are no "RIGHT" ways to parent. There are only things that we all recognise as wrong.
First of all, I can't believe someone actually said that to you! What an ass.

Also, I understand what you say about there not being "right" way to parent. I don't have to be right. I do have to be diligent, earnest, and loving in my efforts. I feel good about it, so it makes it easier to continue and grow. Having dd, and not being able to bf has been the most humbling experience of my life. It has made me a better person. I try to reflect that by showing others compassion. If I can help, I will
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Old 05-08-2003, 11:24 AM
 
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I live in a very pro-bf part of the country. You should just HEAR the stuff that people have said to me either directly or in a stage whisper about how evil I am to be feeding my child from a bottle. This person was one of the kinder ones. Others have left me in tears because they don't know my struggle to bf and how I ended up stopping.

I think this is where people need to be careful. you don't know why someone made these choices, you just know that they did.
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Old 05-11-2003, 11:40 PM
 
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I chose the third option, but I would alter it slightly. I try not to approach the conversation with the attitude that I am exposing to 'alternative' parenting methods, not necessarily 'better' methods.

I think a lot of people parent how they were parented or in a way they perceive to be acceptable by the majority. I think most parents like to hear alternatives. Rarely, do I encounter parents that have educated themselves on parenting options who are so decidedly anti-AP that they become hostile to my parenting choices.

Peace.
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Old 05-12-2003, 12:28 AM
 
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i am really having a hard time with thid right now. my sil is a strong supporter of the ferber method and weaned her 2nd at 8 months and thought she had bf'd too long. my guy is 14 months and she is very loud and oppinionated and i never say anything to her because she just doesn't get what we are doing and she always insults my choices. when i say oliver doesn'r sleep through the night... imean he nurses still every hour and a half, he sleeps... i don't. but she acts like something is wrong with us and says that he is going to have sleep disorders. my don is developementally way ahead of hers and she is really competitive and defensive. ugh! i try to be her friend, but it is really hard.

nikki
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