I wish my child would just disappear, I wish I could give her up for adoption - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am so depressed. I wish my oldest child would just disappear. I so regret having her sometimes. She is rude, mean, a handful, and I'm just so tired of her. She is 3. I just avoid her some days. I mean, I just do what needs to be done to make sure her basic needs are met, and then I go about my business and avoid her. She is fine on her own. She doesn't break things or whatever. But when I'm around her, she gets pushy and obnoxious and hurts me. She's been so much work from Day One. She was a baby who woke up every 2 hours all night long, she fought weaning when I really needed to wean her, she's demanding and very strong. I am so sick of her.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Not really advice, because the specific situations are so varied and so many. But I'm just wanting to tell someone that I wish she would just disappear. I wouldn't do anything to hurt her and I wouldn't want her to be hurt by someone else. I wish I could just give her up for adoption to some nice family who had more patience than I. I am so burnt out with her.
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#2 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:20 PM
 
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Your post is sad beyond words. How many other children do you have and what are their ages?
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#3 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:21 PM
 
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Oh my goodness. I think we all have days when we fantasize about the life we had before kids, when we could do whatever we wanted! But feeling like this day after day points to a bigger problem. You said you're depressed- could that be the cause of much of what you're going through, rather than the end result? I mean, perhaps you have a problem with depression, which is causing you to be short-tempered, irritable, impatient, etc.

You don't say much specifically about your daughter's behavior, but 3 can be a really challenging age even when their behavior is textbook-normal. Even with my daughter, who seriously is the easiest child I have ever, EVER seen- there have been days that I just wanted to cry. Or did cry.

And of course you know that when you avoid her, she is most likely acting out so that you will have to deal with her. The old saying is "Even negative attention is better than no attention at all." So she just wants her mama. You have to find a way to cope so that you can modify her behavior and your own.

I know I have not been much help. I just wanted you to know that I hear your pain and frustration. I think it was courageous of you to post, and I hope you come back. There are many wise mamas here in all different forums who can help. Visit the Gentle Discipline forum! Visit the Mental Health forum too.

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#4 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:25 PM
 
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I feel this way from time to time. 3 is a really tough age! Even more so when you don’t have much support. It sounds like you could really use some support right now.

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#5 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:29 PM
 
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I've felt like this before. When my dd was a baby, I was like, what have I gotten myself into? If you're feeling like this a lot, please talk to your dr. It sounds like PPD. (Good luck)
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#6 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:29 PM
 
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Lily, you sound SERIOUSLY depressed. Is there any way for you to get some therapy? Do you have any friends around that you can talk to or get help from? It sounds like you need some mama time.

3 yr olds can be very tiring but this stage won't last forever. Try to keep that in mind. I know that is what I do when my son angers me or gets on my nerves. I'm a single mom so I don't really get a break but, if you can, try to set up a babysitter so you can go off on your own for a few hours.

I found that reading up on child development helps me A LOT. It's better for me to understand why my little guy has become a monster. He was always 'spirited' but now it seems to have gone off the charts.

I'm sure you love your 3 yr old but just need a break. And some help dealing with her.

Feel free to send me a pm (personal message) if ya want to chat.
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#7 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:29 PM
 
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It does sound like you're burnt out. Do you have a support system? Anyone that could help out for even a day or two so you could collect yourself?
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#8 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:30 PM
 
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While I'm glad you are able to vent about this - is there anyone in your life who can give you a break? It sound like you need some extra help - for you and your daughter
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#9 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:33 PM
 
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I think the mamas above offerred excellent advice. Thinking of you and sending lots of s your way.
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#10 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:47 PM
 
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I have no sage advice. I wanted to be a single with no kids for Halloween. I've felt what you feel and have been fighting depression for years now. The Mamas on this board are amazing (even if you are mostly a lurker ) Take some time for you if you can. I am sending healing thoughts to you.
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#11 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 03:53 PM
 
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If you're in MA, you can drop her off at my place for a couple of days. or we could meet in a public place. You sound desperate. You can can email people for my references. While I have her, you need to promise to see someone. A professional something. I know a couple of good folks in MA

Just don't turn out to be an axe murder-er or something. Trying to make you smile.
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#12 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 04:08 PM
 
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Oh my, I have so "been there, done that"! For me, feeling this way is a sure sign that I need to do a couple of things ASAP. The first is figure out a way to get a couple of nights of real sleep -- even if that means begging my DH to take a night of childcare or calling my mother in for a couple of days to help ease the load. The second is that I need to get out and have some time to myself, preferable outside. Again, call in whatever support network you have to get an afternoon to yourself. Even if that means that your children are in a "perfect" care system. Better with a babysitter who lets them watch TV and eat junk food all afternoon than a seriously depressed mommy for the foreseeable future.

If you don't have a support system, then your first step is to figure out how to build one. We can help brainstorm ideas if we have a better sense of your situation.

For ME (emphasis on ME), I get this way if I am doing 24/7 mommyhood (say, when school and preschool are closed for a week). This is, quite frankly, why I work PT. I WOULD become an ax murderer (as UUMom jokes) if I were stuck at home with my two kids all the time. I am very upfront about the fact that I am not cut out for SAHM-ness. Maybe you aren't either. Maybe its time to take stock of your life and figure out where to go next. I don't know anything about you or your situation, but your post is such a cry for help that I'm throwing out ideas. Maybe too much at one time, I don't know. But I do know that its not good for anyone when mommy is as unhappy as you sound.

I know you said you weren't asking for advise, but we're hear to help if you want to isolate one situation and "run it up the flagpole" so to speak. There are some amazingly insightful people here who geniunely want to help. The really cool thing about putting stuff out on these boards is that you get lots of different answers and different opinions. You can sort through things and decide what works for you and what doesn't, but at least you have lots of things to think about and react too.

Hang in there, find some time, get some sleep, and then figure out your next step.
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#13 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 04:15 PM
 
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Oh mama great big to you. I have been there and I DID adopt my kids . I really, really went out of my way to become a mama and there are still some days when I think "WHAT WAS I THINKING!!!!"

I would take the other wise mamas advice and seek counceling. I did and it has helped tremendously (that and meds ). Depression is nothing to be ashamed of and I know only to well that it is when you are depressed that it is the hardest to seek help. Please do so you can get back to enjoying your children.

By the way, EVERYBODY I know says that 3 is the hardest. Noone knows why they call it the "terrible twos" because they are easy compared to 3.

You are so brave and honest to seek help here. now just take it that one extra step seek out a pro who can help you feel better. You deserve that!
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#14 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 04:21 PM
 
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Originally Posted by vermonttaylors
By the way, EVERYBODY I know says that 3 is the hardest. Noone knows why they call it the "terrible twos" because they are easy compared to 3.
errr...please god, NO! I can't imagine dd being more of a handful than she is now!!

DS1 was at his most difficult at two, but it definitely varies.


OP: I agree with the pp's. You need to get a break, and you definitely need to see a professional about depression. It can make such an incredible, yet strangely subtle, difference in worldview.

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#15 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 04:40 PM
 
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I totally understand how you feel. They call it the terrible twos, but when three hits, watch out. Just ride it out is all you acn do, maybe family can take her a few days for you? I hope things will get better.

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#16 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 05:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your kind responses. First, I have to say that I'm depressed about feeling this way, not that I'm depressed about other things. I have a great marriage, good family, secure finances, comfortable home, etc. My life is wonderful in just about everything except this child of mine. I also have an 8 month old as well, and she's been a dream baby. Slept all night by 3.5 months (without any "sleep training" on my part) and just a happy, joyful child. I guess I compare the two children too much, first of all.

I do have a support system. We have help with the girls several days a week, and my DH and I have a night out once a week by ourselves. So it's not for lack of support that I feel so frustrated with my oldest child.

She is just so pushy and obnoxious sometimes. With me, my DH and the baby, too. She was this way before the baby was born, so I believe it's basically her personality that is my problem, not her new sister. She fights everything - mealtime, potty breaks, getting dressed, getting in the car, etc. I have tried all the things suggested here to deal with a spirited child, but I'm so burnt out of the daily, hourly, sometimes every 10 minutes of battles. And believe me, I'm trying to choose my battles. I walk on eggshells all day with her. I feel like a prisoner in my own home. I have to CONSTANTLY think about what I'm going to say to her, how I'm going to present something new, just waiting for her screaming and arguing and fighting, etc. It's just soooo tiring.

She is rude to us, and her grandparents and lots of other people. She can't have someone walk in the room without screaming at them. And her screams mean "Go away!" She bites us, hurts us and laughs about it. The consequences we have set up don't seem to affect her. I know, I know, that 3 is a hard age and all that. But I am so tired of her. I know you all can't really help me without specifics from me. But I wish I could have some advice in general for her. I just dream sometimes about how nice life would be without her. How maybe I could just take her outside and maybe she would wander off and I wouldn't have to deal with her anymore. Not that I would actually do that. But the images that run through my head really worry me sometimes.
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#17 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 05:33 PM
 
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Reading your post makes me think there may be a little more going on with your dd. I am a teacher and have several students who do some of the things you have described. It is called ODD oppositional defiance disorder. I am by no means trying to diagnose your dd but noticed some red flags as I was reading. I would talk to your ped and voice your concerns if you have not already. He may be able to refer to a child psychologist.
I am sure it is tough some days but keep showing your dd lots of love.
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#18 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 05:37 PM
 
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My older daughter is also a much more difficult child than my younger daughter, and 3 was a tough age. I found this book very helpful: Setting Limits with your Strong-Willed Child:Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries, by Robert J. MacKenzie, Ed.D. Your library might have it.
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#19 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 05:38 PM
 
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Did you ever try "killing" her with kindness? I MEAN KILLING THE NEGATIVE BEHAVIOR!! NOT ACTUALLY HURTING ANY PERSON. You know what I mean right???

When my 3yo acts out negatively I do my best to ignore the negative behavior and focus on the positive only. Every time he does something great he gets huge hugs and kisses lots and lots of positive response.

Have you tried spending quality time with her alone? doing an outing/activity jsut for her with her? Sounds like you are all in a bad cycle of negative/destrucitve behavior.
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#20 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 05:56 PM
 
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It sounds like you need to get your dd evaluated to rule out any issues she may have. She may have some inborn behavioral issues that you can help her with. Secondly, I think you need to find a counselor to rule out any issues you may have. There's nothing to be embarassed by if you have issues. . . we all do at some point in our lives.

Your dd1 can probably sense that you don't like her and she's acting out on that. She's not mature enough to sit down and analyze it and work through it.

Children are so different. I have one who is very challenging and spirited. Moreso in her first 3 years but even now sometimes. My second child is very mellow and easygoing. I love them both so much. I love dd1 because of her unique gifts and I love dd2 for hers. They cannot be compared. No child should ever be compared with a sibling. I'm sure if you think hard you can find some things that your dd1 does that you are proud of and amazed by.

Your dd1 may need more structure in her life, more routine. Or she may need less. Try restructuring her day so she knows exactly what to expect at certain times of the day. She needs 1 on 1 time with you, too. She needs a time where she can choose the activity that you do with her, such a game or playing with her favorite toys. Since your baby is such a good sleeper, you can do this when the baby is napping.

Good luck. I hope you get some help soon. Your family sounds like you really need some support and help.

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#21 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 06:01 PM
 
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I was starting to feel this way about my oldest, and it turns out I have ppd. Now that I'm being treated for it, my love for her has returned a thousandfold. And you know what? Her behavior has dramatically improved. She was picking up on my negative feelings and acting out, probably because she thought I didn't like or love her anymore.

Please, please go see someone for help. Life does not have to be this way. You and your children deserve happy lives together, and it IS possible to have that -- please go get help.
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#22 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 06:07 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ayme371
Reading your post makes me think there may be a little more going on with your dd. I am a teacher and have several students who do some of the things you have described. It is called ODD oppositional defiance disorder. I am by no means trying to diagnose your dd but noticed some red flags as I was reading. I would talk to your ped and voice your concerns if you have not already. He may be able to refer to a child psychologist.
I am sure it is tough some days but keep showing your dd lots of love.
I want to second the suggestion of ODD. A dear friend of mine has a child with ODD and let me tell you before she was diagnosed and got treatment she was at least as bad as your describing your daughter...to the point of actually killing a pet. I was afraid to have her near my child...and even wondered if she was going to grow up to be a serial killer .
Since being diagnosed and treated this child has blossomed into the sweetest most respectful person! The transformation is amazing...mind you it's taken a couple of years and she still has her moments where you can see her struggling to control herself... she works hard at it and is now a joy to be around.
Please seek help for you daughter...not only for you and your family...but for her. Image how differant her life could be...from her point of view.

There is a crack in everything...that's how the light gets in.
~Leonard Cohen~
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#23 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 06:25 PM
 
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When my dd was 3 1/2 to almost 5 she was struggling with undiagnosed sensory issues. I just thought she had turned into a demon child. I used to start crying as soon as I opened my eyes in the morning at the thought of dealing with her because it was so hard ALL of the time. I was so angry at her all the time that even when she was having a good moment I couldn't engage with her... I was too burnt out to feel any goodness towards her.I remember calling my sister, crying so hard I couldn't breathe, telling her to stay on the phone with me because if left to my own devices I was going to give dd away to the first person I saw on the street.

When she was diagnosed, the occupational therapist really, really stressed how hard it was for dd and how much she did not want to be behaving the way she was and that it was very scary for her to feel so out of control and very sad for her to have her mommy be angry and tense all the time. She said the number one thing that was going to help her learn to manage her sensory issues was unconditional support and empathy from me. The OT really stressed that I needed to flip a switch in my brain, that she could not help the way she was acting and that she needed to be helped, validated and supported. It totally sunk in and I became the queen of empathy and support for dd. The results were evidently immediately (albeit slow and steady). I made a concerted effort to speak gently and softly at all times, to continously reinforce my love for her, to compliment her to the moon and back when she handled getting dressed well or expressed to me calmly that she was having a hard time with the clothes she put on, etc..I made an effort to touch her a lot, make a lot of direct and sustained eye contact throughout the day when we talked, to be silly with her, to play, sing, dance, go out to dinner for special "mommy daughter dates".. just a lot of little stuff to build our bond back up and reassure her that she was loved no matter what.

I can't even believe today that I once felt the way I did about her - almost hateful. Now, we are two happy peas in a pod. Her sensory issues are largely under control and our connection is tight and loving and she's an absolute source of joy to me.

I'm not indicating that I think your dd has a sensory issue... I'm saying there could be something going on that she needs your help with. I would contact your ped and get a referral to have her evaluated.
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#24 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 06:34 PM
 
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I think you've gotten some good advice here. It sounds like you are really struggling to maintain your sanity. :

The way you describe your daughter reminds me of my oldest sister. She is 39 years old now, but this is exactly how my mom and older siblings describe her as a child. Unfortunately, she never got "better", and my mom regrets never getting her some kind of treatment or counseling. She is now estranged from the family and it makes us all sad, but it also makes our lives a lot easier (which makes us feel horribly guilty... )

I hope you find some professional help for yourself and your children, and partner. I think it is entirely possible to turn this situation around and all be happier together. Good luck.
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#25 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 07:55 PM
 
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ITA with the previous posts that advised you get her evaluated and seek professional advice of some kind for both her and yourself.

My oldest has her really difficult moments, so I can relate. However, what you describe is not a normal feeling and your situation sounds unacceptable and like it won't get better without your doing something to change it.

Whether your dd has ODD or sensory issues or whatever else, your avoidance of her and negative feelings towards her will seriously damage her selnse of self over time. As she picks up on your feelings, she is likely behaving worse and worse. It is a bad cycle and you need to deal with it. Avoidance is not going to help anyone.

If your child was physically ill, you would take her to a doctor. This is the same thing. Something is wrong, and she needs help. So do you.
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#26 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 08:14 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by USAmma
It sounds like you need to get your dd evaluated to rule out any issues she may have. She may have some inborn behavioral issues that you can help her with. Secondly, I think you need to find a counselor to rule out any issues you may have. There's nothing to be embarassed by if you have issues. . . we all do at some point in our lives.
I totally agree with this statement. My sister was like this, and my mother could not control her. It was a horrible situation for both of them.

Now, 30 some odd years later, my sister has been disgnosed as bi-polar. She is currently getting treatment, but still has really bad days.

This needs to be nipped in the bud ASAP.

My sister's situation, led most of my family to believe that she was a trouble maker and a b*tch, when in reality it was her condition. As a result, she has suffered greatly (emotionally), and she and my mom still have on going issues that they're trying to work out in their relationship.

Please, for everyone's sake, get your daughter evaluated and seek counseling on how to control a strong willed child.
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#27 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 09:39 PM
 
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So do you have any sort of plan? ignoring and avioding her isn't going to help. I don't have any spectacular ideas My first resonse when my chidlren are showing any undesirable behaviors is to pull them close and start teaching the moer appropriate behaviors. and by closer I mean sometimes within arms reach every waking moment including when i go to the bathroom. some other options is preschool for a break for you and a treat for her. you may have more energy to deal with her if you can get 3-4 hours off each day. Also you may want to seek some sort of counseling. find out if there is something up with her and maybe have someone evaluate noth of you and see if there are some personality traits that cause friction (I believe 3 years old is when I took a quiz that showed dd had some personality traits that just clashed.)

but ignoring it won't help. you must take some sort of action to start changing and dealing with things.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#28 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 09:55 PM
 
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I am not claiming to be a Doctor, however, your daughter sounds like she could have undetected food/environmental allergies.

There is an AMAZING book called "Is this your Child?" by Doris Rapp.
It is for children who are complaining, cranky, slow-learners, aggressive, hyperactive, unwell or depressed. It is for discovering and treating unrecognized allergies.

The way you have described your daughter is EXACTLY how some of the children who were studied in this book sounded like.......

I don't think it could hurt to try it, and you would be so so amazed at what undetected food allergies could make a child behave like: i.e. mean, biting, hiting, screaming, etc. Please don't write it off as bad character or bad parenting or bad anything........it really could be symptoms to allergens.

Hope this helps!!

(it helped alot with my middle child, who suffers from food/environmental allergies. He can turn from a sweet cuddly boy to GODZILLA in an instant when he eats certain trigger foods)

Chris mom to Ryan Jordan (aka Godzilla) and Olivia
Wife to Scott dog-mother to Roxy and cat mother to Max
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#29 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 10:03 PM
 
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First of all, your honesty in describing a very painful situation is impressive. But, this statement:

Quote:
But the images that run through my head really worry me sometimes.
is very troubling and disturbing to me. Please make sure your dd is in a safe place and seek some professional help for yourself. This isn't something that is going to fix itself, in fact, I only see things getting worse.

Please please get help. PM me if I can personally do anything to help you.

~lisa~mama to 3 boys (1/02, 5/04, 12/06)
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#30 of 91 Old 11-04-2005, 10:17 PM
 
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First of all . Secondly, If you have insureance, or are on medicaid, I think you might want to call a private counselor, or a community mental health center and get some family counseling, as well as possible counseling for your dd. If you feel this worn out, and she is this much of a struggle daily, it seems like something else could be going on besides her just being spirited. I work for an agency that starts counseling with kids as young as three, and I believe the earlier you get help, the better it is for everyone.
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