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#1 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:43 PM - Thread Starter
 
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It's taken me two Mike's Limeades to get the guts to type this message. :

I know this doesn't belong in TAO< (Irish, I'm sorry), but I can't figure out where it *should* go. GD, maybe, but it isn't really a discipline issue...The Childhood Years, possibly. Parenting Challenges...who knows....and just to let you know, this is going to get long, so grab a cup of tea, coffee, beer, whatever.

My ds attacked me tonight. I don't mean verbally. I mean, the child assaulted me. We went to town to run to Target and grab a couple of things and then ds had hockey. They asked for McD's and I said yes, so we went through the drive through on the way to hockey. Ds got angry because the girls weren't being quiet. He was trying to say something, and while he had my full attention, they were still talking and he was angry. So he started yelling. We are on the way to hockey at that point. I asked him to please not shout in the car and that it wasn't necessary for them to stop talking, I could hear him just fine. He wasn't happy with that, and kept yelling louder and louder at them. I told him that this wasn't a respectful way to treat them and to please stop or we would go home instead of going to hockey. At which point, he screamed "SHUT UP!" We were just getting ready to turn into the ice rink at that point and I kept driving. ( a little background, ds has been turning violent with everyone recently, he hit one sister and kicked and shoved the other one just yesterday...yes, I am aware that we are dealing with massive anger issues, he is seeing a therapist...so please don't lecture me on that. ) He lost it. He flew out of his carseat and started clawing at the back of my head. I pulled over to the side of the road and told him that I wasn't driving anywhere until he was in his carseat as "Safety Rules Are Not Negotiable" (a key phrase in our house). He continued to scream and hit me. I went to the back of the van and put him in his carseat and tried to buckle him in. He kept hitting and screaming at me. I pinned both his arms, and he started kicking me. I realized at this point that he was completely out of control and he needed to be at home in a safe place to have a fit. So I told him to get in his carseat. I started driving and I realized that he thought he was getting his way because when I didn't go back towards the ice rink, he flipped again. He got out of his seat again and started hitting me in the back of the head, yelling "I hate you, you stupid woman, I wish you were dead" over and over and over again. He grabbed my hair and yanked and I almost hit another car head on. I was in the process of pulling over before he did that, but at that point, I just slammed on the brakes and shoved him back so I could at least see and pulled over to the side of the road. He's still screaming "I hate you" and "I wish you were dead" He starts to get out of the van, and tries to run across a busy road at dust. I freaked out and picked him up and put him in the van. Just to be clear, I was NOT gentle with him. He proceeded to hit me and shove and kick me. I pinned his arms with my hand and tried to get on his level to talk to him and he lunged at me with his teeth bared, he tried to bite my face. So I held him with my hands, and he bit my hands over and over and over, to leave teeth marks and bruises are now appearing.

Now, I'm screaming and crying and not having any idea what to do with him. I can't let him continue like this. I can't calm him down. I can't help him. The girls are witnessing all of this. I called his godfather. I told him that ds is completely out of control and what sort of things he was doing....I was not coherent, but I got the point across. He just said "put him on the phone" I held the phone to his ear with one hand, while he continued to bite me with the other while kicking me in the stomach. Within seconds, he wasn't screaming at me...he stopped biting me...he let go of me and sat back in his carseat. He buckled himself in. And then he said "okay, bye" and looked at me. I shut the door and put the phone to my ear. His godfather said "are you okay?" And I told him that I thought I would be okay and he said "I told him that if he didn't behave like a perfect angel, that I was coming over there to whip him when you got home, whether you approve of it or not. That he will NOT treat you like that" and I was just dumbfounded....this is the man who has *never* laid a hand on his own son. Never. Ever. He asked me to call when we got home to let him know we were safe.

Ds and I have talked about it. He says that he understands why he cannot behave like that. But I asked him if the only reason he calmed down was because he was afraid of his godfather and he looked really sad and nodded.

I just don't know how to process this. I have talked to a very good friend on the phone about it tonight....but I can't get a hold of dh and I am just so shaken and hurt and angry and scared. He literally could have killed us. I could so easily have hit that other car head on.....injuring or killing the people in both cars....my hand hurts, my head hurts. I feel like I've been beaten. By my 7 yr old. But he's seven. He's a baby. He's MY baby. I dont' know. I just can't process this. I'm heartbroken. And I don't know what to do.
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#2 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:50 PM
 
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oh Mama. I couldn't read and not respond. I have no experience with this and no advice. But my thoughts are with you and I am wishing all the hugs and healing you need come your way. Take care of yourself, Mama.
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#3 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:50 PM
 
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Wow, I can only imagine the shock you must be feeling! What a disturbing and scary thing to experience.

I have no experience with children of this age or with aggression of this magnitude. I hope you can get the help for him that he needs and that you can find the support you need to help you process this terrible experience.

"To err is human, to forgive, canine." - Unknown
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#4 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:50 PM
 
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mama i dont have any advice but i didnt want to read and not post. I hope other mamas can offer you more than just a hug.
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#5 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:51 PM
 
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I don't have any advice, but I'm sorry that happened to you. Are you going to talk to his therapist about it?
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#6 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:51 PM
 
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I didn't want to read and not respond. I have to go. I just want you to know I read.

"Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle." -Plato
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#7 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:52 PM
 
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It sounds like he needs more help than he's been getting.

Ruth, single mommy to Leah, 19, Hannah, 18, and Jack, 12
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#8 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:54 PM
 
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I have no advice but wanted to tell you how sorry I am you are all going through this. 's to you. You and your son will be in my thoughts. Much healing to your family!!!!

OUR DAUGHTERS ARE PROTECTED SHOULDN'T OUR SONS BE TOO! :
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#9 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:54 PM
 
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: for your family during this time....I am so sorry that he attacked you.

I wish I was there to give you a real hug...

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#10 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:56 PM
 
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No advice, just sending some love your way

Zen doula-mama to my spirited DS1 (2/03), my CHD (TAPVR) warrior DS2 (6/07) & a gentle baby girl (8/09)
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#11 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:57 PM
 
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I'm so sorry you are going through this. I wish I could offer more. :
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#12 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:58 PM
 
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How scary--I am so sorry this happened to you and your family. I want you to know that I do know other people who have been through events like this please know you are not alone--although it does not make it any better for you. You will be in my thoughts.
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#13 of 103 Old 01-02-2006, 11:59 PM
 
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so sorry to hear this... a few issues come to mind:

1. I know from your pp's that you and your DH have been going through lots and lots of stuff lately. Kids cannot process emotions that adults can and they express this in different ways. Anger can manifest in many many many forms, i.e. overeating, self-mutilation, not eating, violence against loved ones.

2. Nutrition? What's his diet like? Lots of candy/McD's? I am not being judgemental here. I promise. I notice that when my kids eat crappy food (which has been then case lately with the holidays)they act toootalllly different. Scary.

3. You're safe. Kids hurt or express violence toward parents or other close loved ones b/c they know that you won't stop loving them. Is this his way of expressing his anger or is he using his knowledge and trust of you and trying to maipulate you? He most likely is doing this subconciously....Maybe.

Having said all that...

1. Discuss this with his/your therapist.

2. Keep a log of his outbursts: time of day, foods he ate, context of anger, location, etc. Be as detailed as possible. Look for patterns.

Hope things get better soon!
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#14 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:03 AM
 
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While his behavior was obviously completely unacceptable, it sounds like he desperately needs space and attention away from his sisters. Good luck to your family-
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#15 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:07 AM
 
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I have no advice but I couldnt read this and not at least send this
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#16 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:08 AM
 
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I'm glad everyone is safe. You need someone to teach you a safe hold for him in case he goes off like that again. I've worked some with special needs kids but I've never had to personally do it- seen it done though. I believe what you need is called a basket hold- you sit cross-legged with your legs over his legs and your arms around him. You should be able to keep you both safe until he simmers down in that position.

Sending you lots of hugs and love- I hope his therapist has some insight.

-Angela
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#17 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:08 AM
 
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Yes, I would look at food issues number 1. 7 is so young to react that violently, even with all you have gone through. I would try removing food coloring, corn syrup, and artificial flavors right away. Look into the feingold diet, and try it out for him.
Also, definitely talk to his therapist right away, and see if there is any more you can do.
((hugs))
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#18 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:10 AM
 
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#19 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:16 AM
 
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#20 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:20 AM
 
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and


darkstar
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#21 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:25 AM
 
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My preschool kids at school aren't as old as your son, but we have a little boy who is having some serious anger problems as well. We have been keeping a log to try to identify triggers so we can find a way to diffuse things earlier. We're logging anything that works to help the situation too. I think a log might help you and his therapist.

Diet might play a role too, I'd look at it anyway.

Not to be obvious but it sounds like at least this time, he wanted your undivided attention and he didn't think he had it because his sisters were talking too. Maybe you already do this, but if you don't, can you set aside a time that is just his and yours daily? I'm not saying that's going to totally change the situation, or even that it will help, but it might. Even if it's just you driving him alone to and from hockey or therapy or whatever.

also, has anyone taught you how to hold him so you're both (and anybody else who might be around) safe until he is back in control of what he's doing? If it were me and I didn't know how to do it, I would ask--if the therapist doesn't know how, they'll know somebody who does, I'd think anyway.

What a scary thing! I've seen a few kids lose control in my time working in classrooms, and it's never gotten easier to witness. I do feel better knowing what I can do to help, but I still feel horrible for the child, and it's just a scary thing to be part of. I hope you find what works for your family.

lovin DH since 1/04, SAHM to 3 boys 10/04, 11/08, 11/10 one girlie (1/07), and one 13 wk (10/13) just your average :ha ng multigenerational living family!!
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#22 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:31 AM
 
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s

He sounds like he needs to have your undivided attention to help him through some stuff.

I know you are going through hard times.
more s for that

also, I agree with the food thing.

These are the foods that make my son crazy (and I have had to learn a kind of safe hold for him, and he's not even four yet):

wheat, corn/corn syrup, food colorings, artifical anything, soy, sugar, maybe too much salt, too

wheat is actually the biggest problem for us.

when I avoid all of these foods, he is much more amenable.

However, I know he was working through some emotional issues along with the food sensitivities, and it helped that we just had two solid weeks together over the holidays when his school was on break. I gave him tons of one-on-one attention.

more s
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#23 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:34 AM
 
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I'm so sorry...

I've been through similar experiences with my late daughter. (she had bipolar) She would be happy, calm and then fly into rages of verbal attacks and sometimes, physical attacks. There was no rhyme or reason, no preventing, and often there was no way to stop it until the rage ran it's course.

It's terrifying when your babes react like this. It makes you feel like a rotten mom.. You aren't though. A rotten mom would have left him on the side of the road and driven off. (a good mom might think of it but she wouldn't act on it. lol)

I have a book that might help.. "The Explosive Child: A New Approach for Understanding and Parenting Easily Frustrated, Chronically Inflexible Children by Ross W. Greene, Ph.D" It gives very helpful information on trying to ward off the rages, how to deal with them when they happen, etc. A lot of it is directed at parenting a child with BP, but may also be helpful to those whose kids just have the rages.

I'm glad your son is in therapy. Kids need a safe place to talk- mom and dad are great, but often they worry about hurting or upsetting us with things they say. A therapist can be the place they unload all the things that scare them - while not having to worry about freaking mom and dad out in the process.

Oh- another book... "Anger Mountain by Bryna Hebert; illustrated by Hannah, Jessica, and Matthew Hebert. This 20 page 8x10 full color story is perfect for any child dealing with anger issues. The book features stories about Robert, an elementary age child who gets angry easily but is learning several different ways of coping with it more positively. He’s not perfect, but he’s trying and he’s making progress.

"Anger Mountain is a wonderful resource for children who struggle with “mountains” of anger. Written and illustrated in a style engaging for children, their parents and other caring adults, Anger Mountain provides children with hope, support, and strategies for coping." Mary A. Fristad, PhD"

This one may be good for your little guy to read.

Be gentle with yourself. You ARE a good mom!

Janis

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#24 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:36 AM
 
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oh, man...your post made me cry. how sad and scary for both you and your ds. i am sorry for not having any constructive advise. i would ask your therapist for suggestions. i hope things improve soon for y'all. to you and keep your chin up
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#25 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:39 AM
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Oh you poor thing! How horrible to have to go through all of that and to have your lther kids watching it all. You must be soooo freaked. And I wish I could just gently rub some salve on thise poor mama hands!


My two oldest kids had 'issues' when they were young. I studied special ed and by the time my oldest was 2! I was seeking psychiatric help for her. (Unsuccessfully) SHe was always violent, kicking and screaming and impossible to comfort. I couldn't seem to get people to understand.

It was a nightmare and I aws a single parent.

My second was adopted and had super ADHD and then some anger issues, lack of impulse control, it was interesting.

I don't talk about this here. SOme people tend to judge and it hurts me way to much, esp since it's all history now and I can't change any of it. I still do research on my own, etc.

I'm telling you this for two reasons. BOTH of my eldest are now well-adjusted, sensible, loving, caring adults, with good jobs, good futures, dreams and are happy, in long-term relationships and at 23 and 26, have yet to produce a single child. (I LONG for grandchildren, yet I delight in the fact that my grandchildren might actually be raised in two parent families with their bio parents -adopted siblings notwithstanding!) As little ones, you'd never have thought it possible. In fact as teens, yuoud have had to been crazy to even think it could turn out so well. Kids make amazing ...I don't know...recoveries? after years of makingus think it can't happpen.


And if you ever want to tell someone all your woes, and know you won't be judged, just PM me. I have been in some tough situations with my kids and NOT having unconditional support is so very hard. If I can help, please let me know.
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#26 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:41 AM
 
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mama. I think you've gotten some great advice here; wish I had something to offer.
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#27 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:43 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by alegna
I'm glad everyone is safe. You need someone to teach you a safe hold for him in case he goes off like that again. I've worked some with special needs kids but I've never had to personally do it- seen it done though. I believe what you need is called a basket hold- you sit cross-legged with your legs over his legs and your arms around him. You should be able to keep you both safe until he simmers down in that position.

Sending you lots of hugs and love- I hope his therapist has some insight.

-Angela
ITA w/Angela. One of my student's mother's is a special needs teacher and she preaches about safe holds. They have been very effective w/her students.

s to you. I know you are shaken up, but are you okay physically? I know that he hit and bit you quite a bit. Take care of yourself! s

, , , mama to Ross , Reagan (8/29/05), Joshua (from Haiti...here NOW due to the earthquake!), and Elijah , born safely 9-8-09.
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#28 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:44 AM
 
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No experience here either, but wanted to send a
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#29 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:44 AM
 
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Wow, holy cow. I don't know what to say that would be supportive enough! I hope that your family can heal so he can be okay, and YOU can be okay.

Be careful of your hand where he bit it, humans have dirty mouths and you could get a nasty infection from his bites. If it starts looking angry go to a walk in clinic and get some antibiotics.

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#30 of 103 Old 01-03-2006, 12:45 AM
 
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I am so sorry apmom, I know this has been such a hard time for you anyway. I'm so sorry. s
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