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#1 of 11 Old 01-24-2003, 09:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was not quite sure which forum to post this in heh so here goes...

A little background :

We currently live with my father and twin sister due to financial situations, we are saving up as much as we can to be able to move to Tucson once we have our goal of $4,000.


So today, I walk out of our very small bedroom, my father asks me if my brother had called, I replied I wouldn't know since I don't answer their phone (we have our own phone line so we don't feel we "owe" them on their phone) and he replied in an angry tone why I must start an argument about everything, I replied that I was not trying to fight, just stating I don't know much about what goes on with his phone since we don't use it.

So out of no where, he all of a sudden asks if chubs has had his immunizations, i said "no matt and i do not agree that daniel needs to be immunized right now" he goes mental about that, he said "what will you do when the terrorists come and inject your child with something and he dies, what then" like ohh if i tell her that her baby will die that will make her give him shots, then he said, as if this would prove his point "well then he won't be allowed in school" so then i said "oh well we are planning on homeschooling" so he started going all mental about that, how dare I do that to my child, I am trying to make him grow up a freak, I am a bad mother for doing all of this to him, etc.

I just ugh, I know our living situation is bad, heh don't get me started about my sister, but I don't know how else to save money! I have a small online buisness but that still hasn't paid for itself, I even put a donation button on my personal site, Matt has been working as much as possible, it just feels like this won't ever end...

Well I have babbled on enough, thanks everyone for letting me get angry in this vent.
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#2 of 11 Old 01-25-2003, 02:48 AM
 
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Hi Starry,

Not much advice, but want you to know you are not speaking into a void. I hear you, I'm listening. Try to remember your dad is speaking out of love for you and his grandson. No matter his tone or stance, it is most certainly coming from his deep love for all of you. That said, you are totally, 100% in charge of how you raise your little one. Your dad and mom had their time with you and your sis and now it is your honor and duty to do your best for your offspring. Be strong and confident in your choices. No need to defend yourself or to invite a struggle or debate. It is not a debate. Just lovingly let your dad know you hear him, and you are a big girl now making family decisions on your own. He may not understand, but believe me, a struggle with him can haunt you for years to come. Don't put yourself there.

HTH,
Mom of 8 month old twin girls
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#3 of 11 Old 01-25-2003, 03:22 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for your response Actually it really is hard to say if it is coming from "love" I grew up in an abusive home, both my mother and father would hit us, verbally abuse us, etc. My parents are divorced, my mother is bi-polar which of course explains a ton of my childhood heh, (I am only partially awake right now)

With my father... it is more about control than anything else. I am quite the opposite of my sister, who is looked upon as the "good" twin while I have always been the "bad" twin.

I usually don't respond to him, much less most of my family when it comes to parenting since I learned early on into my pregnancy that they disagree with Matt's and my way of... looking at things.

It really is odd how families can be SO different or change so dramatically once a child is born into it. If that makes any sense? Before I had my son, I was pretty much ignored for over 2 years then I became pregnant and suddenly I was this hot topic for everyone. heh. I am totally babbling right now but thank you again so much for your response! It just helped me calm down to type everything out.
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#4 of 11 Old 01-25-2003, 12:17 PM
 
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I don't really have any great advice for you. But I do know where you are coming from in regards to your controlling dad. I'm 25 years old with a child of my own and I have been out of the house for 5 years - married for 4. My dad STILL tries to control me.

He has had a few things to say about us not vaxing. I just don't discuss it with him anymore. His last major blow up was over the fact that I got a tattoo. :

I was always the "bad child" too. I have finally come to realize that no matter what decision I make, they will have a problem with it.

It's got to be rough right now because he's using the "as-long-as-you're-under-my-roof" thing for leverage. I'm sorry that you have to be in this position right now. I hope that you are able to get out of that situation soon.
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#5 of 11 Old 01-25-2003, 01:39 PM
 
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Starry Mom~

As someone who comes form the origionial family from hell, I think I can give you at least one good piece of advice.
Pick your battle!

If they bring up vaxing and you hash that out, then they bring up homeschooling and you hash that out, then they will bring up extended breastfeeding or SOMETHING, and it will be never ending.

But, instead you should just agrue the same fact over and over to any argument they have, just say, "This is the decision we have made for our family. We do not have to justify our choices to anyone." and if the person seems genuinely concerned, you might add, "I can reccommend some reading material on the topic if you like." Then stay calm, and just refuse to be led into the argument. Repeat yourself or just smile and walk away.

They can argue the pros and cons of anything, but no one can argue the fact that it is your family's decision.

Also, the move to Tucson seems good. The more distance, the less involved they will be in your personal life, the hapier everyone will be!
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#6 of 11 Old 01-25-2003, 01:39 PM
 
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double post!
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#7 of 11 Old 01-26-2003, 02:43 AM
 
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thought from the devils advocate over here.There is only my sister and I and I also have been always considered the "bad" child.Right now i am married to a wonderful man with a beautiful dd.But 3 years ago I left an abusive relationship 0f 8 years and had nowhere to go.This was a big incovenience for both my parents and my sister,neither of whom would give me a place to stay..I asked even to sleep in their basements for a week or so. I ended up in my car and then a hotel room for 5 months.My mother told me I should have stayed where I was at.I don't know how old you are but it is very kind of your father to take in your whole family till you get on your feet.Things could be worse than disagreeing over parenting styles.I do agree with the other posters to stand your ground.This is your child to raise how you see fit.

I hope things get better for you..think positively.

Linda
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#8 of 11 Old 01-26-2003, 04:12 AM
 
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Hi! I only have a minute but want to give you some sympathy; and I'm also in Illinois trying to move to Tucson! I just sent out a resume for dh yesterday..........it's in the high 70's there can you believe it?!
~Kristi

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#9 of 11 Old 01-27-2003, 02:52 AM - Thread Starter
 
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/start OT

Oh how I love and miss Tucson!! Do you know what part of town you are wanting to move to? I am wanting somewhere central or maybe foothills, then again everything in the foothills is way too expensive for us heh. Where in Illinois are you right now?

/end OT

Thank you everyone for the kind words! With my father it isn't so much, helping us since we are paying for everything ourselves, but a matter of control. My mother and him ehhh don't get along to put it mildly and to this day she has not met in person, my son who recently became 1 yr old. My father likes to use that as a "weapon" against my mother, how since we live with him, she is not "permitted" to come here to see my child, not to mention the daily flip outs from him about my getting mail from my mother or phone calls, (on the phone line WE pay for) its just a huge long story about my family, heh, and not much of it good.

We are trying to stay optimistic though, we are hoping that taxes bring a decent chunk of change to save for the move, although job wise it is hard because Matt is employed at Kmart, (i am sure most people know the story of kmarts closing all over) and he will find out for SURE on the 28th if his store closes, a day before his birthday, if it DOES close we are hoping for the 60 severnce pay instead of 60 days straight working, but i supposed in all situations it is win/win. Store stays open, he has a job, store closes, either way he will be getting some sort of income.

I am totally rambling my head off here hahaha I suppose it is this high because for Matt's birthday his family is sending $150 and matt said I could use $100 to get more CD!! So then we can finally get off the 'sposies!!

Thank you everyone again for letting me let of steam like this!
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#10 of 11 Old 01-27-2003, 03:02 AM
 
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T We're looking to live where it's cheap, lol! Actually I think we may end up on the outskirts, where we can get 4 acres and a new "manufactured" home for 70K. Can't beat that! I haven't lived there, but have visited often and love it. I'm from Southern CA and miss the warmth! Tucson (and all of AZ) is a place dh and I can agree on. Currently I'm way up in the North 'burbs of Chicago, almost to Wisconsin.



About your family situation, I know quite a bit about controlling parents; I find it best to simply ignore everything and/or smile and nod my head and then disregard everything.

Kristi

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#11 of 11 Old 01-27-2003, 03:14 AM - Thread Starter
 
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I think we are maybe 1-2 hours from WI, we are in the des plaines area.

Eh, about my family.... I am learning how to focus on our goal of moving and that is helping a lot hahaha, I think it just affects me more so on some days than on others.
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