CIO to get rid of frustration? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 02-03-2003, 01:08 AM - Thread Starter
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My SIL has been told that it's good to let her 11 week old CIO because it gets rid of their frustration, and once he's had a bit of a cry he'll settle down (which he does, probably out of exhaustion though). I'm just amazed at this piece of advise and so my question is, what kind of reply can I come back with? The thing is, my SIL has done all the Ezzo courses through church and really doesn't know any better - I'm sure she means well. So any suggestions on what I should say to her??
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#2 of 12 Old 02-03-2003, 01:34 AM
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CRIES IN THE NIGHT from Dr Sears article a Primer on Christian Parenting

The next class began with another control issue – crying. The teacher warned parents against responding to their baby’s cries. "He will learn to manipulate you," the teacher said ominously. "Do not pick up your baby, and he will stop crying. You’ll then have a good baby." The novices nodded enthusiastically. That’s what they wanted: a good baby.

Michael was especially pleased. Susan, as before, was much more hesitant. So once again, the couple went to talk to Dr. Joan, who shook her head sadly when they told her of the class’s latest lesson. "Let him cry it out; that old line again," she said. "I thought that philosophy had died out, but I guess it is coming back again."

"It sounds so easy and desirable," Michael persisted. "I want to be in charge of our child, just as God is in charge of us."

"But I don’t know if I can do it," Susan said.

Dr. Joan looked from one to the other. "I’m going to have you consult with a friend of mine, Dr. Johnson, a developmental specialist who is also a Christian and a father. I think you will profit from what he has to say."

Dr. Johnson had a learned, grandfatherly demeanor, and both Michael and Susan immediately felt comfortable in his presence. He got to the point without preamble. "Crying it out – there is probably more difference of opinion on this issue than any in parenting," he said. "Volumes have been written about the signal value of the infant’s cry and its effect on the mother." He turned to Michael. "There are reasons why an infant’s cries affect you and Susan differently," he said.

"A baby’s cry is a baby’s language," he continued, "designed for the survival of the baby and for the development of the mother. It is the only way babies have of communicating their needs. The key is to learn how to listen."

"But I don’t want our baby to manipulate us," Michael interjected.

"Tiny babies do not manipulate, they communicate," Dr. Johnson corrected. "That is why your baby’s cry will produce especially strong reactions in you, Susan. Blood flow to your breasts will increase, your heart rate will go up, the hormones in your system will increase, and you will have a biological urge to pick up, nurse, and comfort your baby. Susan, you are biologically wired – and I believe God designed you this way – so you will give a nurturing response to your baby when she cries, not restrain yourself."

"Something just dawned on me," Susan interrupted, "What does the it mean in the ‘cry-it-out’ advice?"

"Ah," Dr. Johnson smiled at her, "You have put your finger on the weak point of this philosophy. The ‘controllers,’ as I call them, feel it’s a habit, a manipulation, a gambit for goading parents. I don’t believe this. In the early months especially, stay on the safe side. Consider your baby’s cry a call for help of some kind and give a nurturing response according to your God-given mother’s instinct. In time you ’ll learn when to pick up your baby, when to put your baby down, when to give a quick response, and when to let your baby fuss a bit. Certainly, you do not have to pick up a seven-month-old baby as quickly as you do a seven-day-old baby. That is a cue-response network that you and your baby will eventually work out."

"But God let Jesus cry on the cross," Michael protested.

Dr. Johnson looked deeply troubled. "Michael, that was for our very salvation. And it was so hard for Jesus because before that God had always responded to His son. That’s the lesson I hope new parents will learn from the Bible. Because what we’ve discovered in recent years is that babies whose mothers give an appropriate and nurturing response to their cries learn to cry less. They feel the world is a friendly, responsive place. But babies who are insecure and don’t know whether they are going to get picked up or not are the ones who become clingy and whiny. Or worse, they simply shut down, clam up. Sure, they become ‘good’ babies, but at the price of their inner happiness. I don’t think that is what you or God want."

HTH if you need more ammo pm me
mom to 4 great kiddos
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#3 of 12 Old 02-03-2003, 04:09 AM
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Ugghh! I just can't believe that people still let others decide how their children should be raised. Here is a link that might be helpful, Under the section "Think that your child should be sleeping through the night at 8 weeks?" I had an acquaintance tell me about this "great" system, when I was still pregnant, that she would help me with but she said I would need an "iron gut", I told her no thanks. She rolled her eyes and said "you'll ask me for it, believe me!". Of course I never did.
I really liked Dr. Sears' response to this nonsense.

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
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#4 of 12 Old 02-03-2003, 08:59 PM
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Mary, I love your story! I agree that babies who dont CIO actually cry less.

Evergreen- Loving my girls Dylan dust.gifage8, Ava energy.gifage 4 and baby Georgia baby.gif (6/3/11).

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#5 of 12 Old 02-04-2003, 01:09 AM
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who is in her sixties, and knows nothing about "AP" does not believe in CIO. She was very loving and intuitive with her four kids despite all the advice from experts to let them cry. She recently said, "All my sisters' kids were crybabies because they let them cry all the time for everything. My kids learned that they didn't have to cry because I would attend to them asap." My mom never let a baby cried, and picked us up right away. I know for sure, because my two youngest brothers were born when I was in Jr. high school. And, I remember that my brothers were very pleasant and rarely-crying babies. My mom thought she was just being a good mother by doing this. I am glad she followed her heart.
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#6 of 12 Old 02-04-2003, 11:23 AM
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That is so sad. My youngest is now 3 years old and is at a stage where crying sometimes helps her release frustration or sadness - but she is way more emotionally and intellectually complex than she was at 11 weeks! Until recently a breast or a hug resolved all worries. Lately if I try to comfort her when she is crying she says "No Mama! I don't need num-num right now. Just hold me, I need to cry!" We are getting ready for a move and have had a lot od stress at home and she seems to need to cry to let the tension of it all out - but it is her call and I am there for her through it. Why do some people assume that tiny babies have the same complex thought processes and emotional lives that we big people do? Why would they assume that someone who can't even sit up is capable of manipulation.
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#7 of 12 Old 02-04-2003, 12:20 PM
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at 11 months that baby is NOT crying because of anything other than discomfort!

the baby is crying at that age because it needs something.

i do think that babies that are "toddlers" tend to just cry to let of steam, but i think small babies are trying to relay a need.

i always try hunger first...then rocking, then diapers, then walking with them, standing, dancing, take outside...etc

11 weeks that baby NEEEEEEED something! poor thing
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#8 of 12 Old 02-04-2003, 12:38 PM
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Even if the baby needed to cry to release tension or whatever - it certainly doesn't need to cry alone and there is no reason why you shouldn't try to see if there is a reason for the crying.

My first ds was coliky (sp?) and would cry for several hours a night from the time he was a newborn to the time he was 3-4 months old. Nursing, singing, rocking, patting, change of diaper. . . nothing made him stop crying, but I still felt it was better that he cry in my arms even if he just needed to cry and I knew we were doing all we could for him.

The way I think of it is - if I'm having a bad day and just need a good cry to release my frustration - I still feel better if I get a hug. Who wouldn't?
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#9 of 12 Old 02-04-2003, 03:09 PM
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Originally posted by dotcommama

The way I think of it is - if I'm having a bad day and just need a good cry to release my frustration - I still feel better if I get a hug. Who wouldn't?
That's what I think too.... Around here the rule is that no one cries alone unless they ASK to be left alone.
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#10 of 12 Old 02-04-2003, 03:37 PM
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Three books that discuss nighttime parenting and discourage CIO are Sear- 'Nighttime Parenting', Paul Fleiss- 'Sweet Dreams', Jay Gordon- 'Good Nights'.
Gordon states that studies of parent-infant separation in nonprimates involving 'crying' show that the hormonal stress response of the babies in that type of situation can be equivalent to or greater then the level induced by physical trauma to the infant. In addition, stressful separation can have an adverse impact on the immune function.
IMHO If a baby animal has that type of physical reaction, I can not imagine how a human infant, especially an under 6 mths child would not have some kind of negative physical as well as emotional impact from regular daily cio.
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#11 of 12 Old 02-05-2003, 12:53 AM
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Originally posted by Vanna's Mom
In addition, stressful separation can have an adverse impact on the immune function.
Yes - and I want my baby's energy to go toward learning and growing. And I want them to stay open to the world - how can an infant do this if they are in pain (emotional or physical - how many times has a mother who let her infant cry wanted to kick herself when she found out they were sick or had a poopy diaper all night, etc.). I love the Sear's story - yes we mothers are designed the way we are for a reason. We should listen to our feelings, not ignore them! When my baby cried I felt like my heart was being ripped out! Of course she's 2 now and I don't feel like that anymore! But her reason's for crying are leagues different!
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#12 of 12 Old 02-05-2003, 07:03 PM
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Even if crying helps release frustration, why should you not hold the baby? When I am frustrated or overstimulated I want someone to listen to me rant and rave too. I think it is OK for a baby to cry once you have done everything you can to make them happy, but IN YOUR ARMS.

Geez. Ezzo seems lieka real creep. How does he get away with this stuff and it is such a shame that he is hiding behind religion to do it.
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