: My dp met a couple with a baby who is a month older than my dd. The couple is very mainstream. She doesnt bf because it was too hard, baby sleeps in a pack and play, they always have a sitter so they can "have a life" she loves putting him in his bucket even though he is to big for it! My dp wanted us to go to their house and i didnt want too. I said I want to be friends with people that parent like i do (AP). He says not everyone can bf and hold their baby all day like you do he says it isnt "bad" for baby to be ff and sit in a bucket all day. If its what they want. He doesnt like the fact that I hold her so much and blah blah blah Is he trying to get me to be more mainstream? How can I show him that ap is totally awsome? Will my dd benefit from it and what ae the long term benifits of AP? Please give me some ammo to use.
I'd tell him to bite me. He can't choose who you're friends with. He's not your owner. He's not dropping you off at some playgroup. You pick your own friends. Jeez. What a jerky thing to do.
I have some friends that are "mainstream". I picked them as friends because I like them, even though I disagree with some of how they parent. If I always picked my friends based on them being just like me, I wouldn't have many friends!
I'd also be missing out on some great times with some great people. Think about getting to know them better - maybe you will actually like them! Or better yet, maybe you can rub off on them!
Does your DH like these people at all or is it really all about their parenting philosophies? If it's the latter then it sounds like you guys really need to talk.
maybe he just thought you would like to have a friend, or that it would be nice for you to have someone to hang out with with a baby the same age as your dd.
i know my husband doesn't really pay much attention to how other people parent, and i don't think it makes much of a diffeence to him. it's typically a much bigger deal for mothers, most of my dhs friends parent really differently, but it doesn't make a difference to him.
he is also very "whatever works for them" and he doesn't understand how big of a deal it is to me.
There probably is a possibility that I would like them but i just cant help but feel he wants them to rub off on me. He sees AP as alot of uneccasary work. He thinks if I did things more mainstream i would let him slack too. Please help me explain to him why AP IS beneficial
Originally Posted by graciesma
There probably is a possibility that I would like them but i just cant help but feel he wants them to rub off on me. He sees AP as alot of uneccasary work. He thinks if I did things more mainstream i would let him slack too. Please help me explain to him why AP IS beneficial
Well telling him that your family can't be friends with people who don't AP is prob NOT going to to do trick.
All you can do is explain why its right for you and your family. What benefits you see long term.
Cutting yourself off from people who you admit you might like, seems like it will only make your dp more uneasy with AP.
I would tell him that he's perfectly welcome to be friends with them, but they aren't my kind of people so I'll pass. I would just tell him not to be bringing any mainstream ideas home with him. I personally don't have any mainstream friends. The people that I met that were mainstream I just didn't have anything in common with and most of them smoked.
DH and I run in completely different circles, all my friends are very crunchy, and as for DH, well he's in the business world so most of his friends definately not crunchy.
We compromise, we spend some time with both of our friends, usually more with mine because they live closer to us. I actually enjoy some of his friends, I do not see the ones that make me uncomfortable. I don't know about him not supporting you with AP though, my DH is very much on board with it. I know anyother wiser mama will come along with info on that.
Originally Posted by graciesma
There probably is a possibility that I would like them but i just cant help but feel he wants them to rub off on me. He sees AP as alot of uneccasary work. He thinks if I did things more mainstream i would let him slack too. Please help me explain to him why AP IS beneficial
I think you need to have a conversation with him about this then and explain why AP is important to you and to your family and that you feel uncomfortable with many mainstream ideas. You are co-parenting here - if AP isn't working for him then the two of you need to sit down and discuss this and find out what exactly is upsetting him.
It's a shame that you might not get together with some potential friends that you would like over this issue.
I have a bunch of mainstream friends. Being frinds with them didn't change how I parent. It just gave me some good friendships with some nice ladies, and my son has a great circle of friends we love getting together with twice a week. How old are your babies? I know that when my DS was only 6 months old it was a little harder to feel a part of the group, when the otheer moms were starting to FF or trying CIO. But I stuck it out focusing on what we did have in common, our babies and love for them, adjusting to being SAHM's, DP's who just didn't "get it" that parenting was a hard full time day job. I'm so glad I did too because I really value those friendships for helping me keep things in perspective, letting me cry when I needed to from exhaustion, and making me feel great about myself when one of them was having a problem I could offer a suggestion to.
Don't let the horror stories here of mainstreamers bullying MDC mamas about parenting ideas that differ. It's here because mamas want to vent and have other AP moms help lick their wounds. But really no matter what the difference is, not just parenting if a friend is a friend they respect each others differences even if they don't agree with what is behind those differences.
Hey I have friends that I republican's and friends that are god fearing catholics who say grace before every meal, and go to mass every Sunday. But we are still friends, and love each other.
When it comes to DP, sit down and talk with him. Don't lecture or try to "change" him. Find out what he does and doosn't like about AP parenting. Work with what he does like, and stop labeling things so he doesn't get defensive. Decide what is non-negotiable and what isn't. If he can't stand co-sleeping don't let him insist on CIO, instead get a sidecar or put the crib in the bedroom right next to your bed. He has a valid argument if his sleep is effected. But things liuke FF are okay to be non discussable, it's best for your baby it's less work for him, there is no arguing that one.
Let us know how it goes. If the couple is really awful he'll see that, and you can come here and tell us all about it.
I may be the odd one out, but I can totally relate to graciesma. I may be even more exclusive about my friends....
I make it a point to avoid being friends with people that don't have the same core values as far as parenting goes. We may be different religions or ethnicities, some eat meat, some don't, but they all breastfeed/fed, most co-sleep/slept, didn't mutilate their babies genitals, are non or delayed vaxers, etc... I have built a huge circle of friends based on the commonalities that are most important to me. I don't see a point in trying to be anything more than mild aquaintences with people that you feel (opinions and judgements are totally valid when deciding who to spend your time with ... IMO) are not doing the best by their children. Why would you want to hang out with people who your upset with all the time?
My Dh wanted us to go to a Super Bowl party at his co-worker's house and I just couldn't beaar the thought of having to being stuck in the other room (don't like football) with the anti-intuitive (my term for "mainstream") FFing, CIOing etc... moms that he assured me would be there. Not that he objects to AP, he pretty much goes along with my parenting because he doesn't know anything different. I declared that I would go, but I might cause a scene because I can't keep my mouth shut when i see people parent like they're on TV. He ended up taking DS to the party himself which was great for their bonding and i got to get a massage! I stuck a bunch of breastfeeding stickers on DS's sippy cup too, just to be sure AP/NFL was accounted for on some level
I am in the camp of don't discount these people just because they don't parent like you. One of my very best friends these days is a WOHM, republican, church-goer, failed breastfeeder who *gasp* uses disposable diapers! We chat all the time and I think she is great - and she loves her dd very much
Why do parenting practices have to be the basis for your friendships? Try to think outside the box--there are more things to talk about! I mean this in the best, most positive way--honestly. Not trying to be snippy. Just from my experience, I have had friends from all over the spectrum, but we were able to relate in different, deeper ways. And I'm great friends w/ my sister, but we parent in different ways. There are always things to learn from other people and it's also an exercise in looking past your glaring differences and pre-judgements, and looking to the person behind all that. I know I can get all up on my high horse and judge a person up and down (all in my head, of course!), but it's much more fun to get out of that mode and just get to know that person. I'd hope they'd do the same for me, because, let's face it, I'm a little weird!!
Originally Posted by caragh
Can you please tell me what all your achroynyms stand for. I can read them in context, but would like to know the actual meanings.
Graciesma, if you are wanting information on the benefits of AP (attachment parenting, for newbies), you might want to start a thread with that as the title. I'm sure mamas here could give you some factual information and links.
But, I'm with you about the "friends" you husband wants for you. I simply can not be friends with people who don't treat their children at least somewhat similarly to us. It might not matter as much to my husband, but it makes a huge difference to me.
I discovered that I simply could not be around one woman I know. She birthed at home with a midwife, didn't circumcise, and co-slept. But she refused to even attempt breastfeeding, and SPANKED and YELLED at her own kids (including the months-old baby), and even yelled at others' children as well. And she was very verbal about her disregard for those who disciplined in a more gentle manner. I didn't want to be around her, and I did NOT want my dd to witness this kind of stuff.
If you are uncomfortable around them, don't hang with them! Your husband doesn't get to pick your social circle. 'Nuf said.
Originally Posted by Ann-Marita
Graciesma, if you are wanting information on the benefits of AP (attachment parenting, for newbies), you might want to start a thread with that as the title. I'm sure mamas here could give you some factual information and links.
Yes, you would be bombarded with vast amounts of information, links, words of wisdom, books to read, magazines to subscribe to...
It's a seperate issue from the title of your thread so it's a bit confusing.
Maybe he just wants you to see there are other ways to parent. Just because what you do is totally perfect for you maybe someone else doesnt see it that way ya know. I think it helps broaden your horizon, me im more inthe middle of parenting and love to see how other parents do it. I don't judge them even if some things are odd to me.
Originally Posted by EmmaJean
Why do parenting practices have to be the basis for your friendships? Try to think outside the box--there are more things to talk about!
Absolutely. I really hope there aren't people out there saying they won't be friends with me because I breastfeed for too long, I use cloth diapers or I co-sleep!
If I met some people I liked, and wanted to try hanging out with them with my family, I'd be upset if my husband refused to even MEET them because he's heard that they- hmm, let's say voted Republican, or shop at Wal-Mart, or eat meat. While I wouldn't try to FORCE him to come, I'd be really disappointed, because I prefer to socialize along with my whole family. And I'd feel frustrated that he wasn't willing to hear their story from their own mouths, to better understand their choices.
First off, assume he means well. Leave your copies of Mothering next to the toilet and then drop it. Nobody likes to be shown "ammo." Let the proof of the wonderfulness of AP be your daughter as she grows and blossoms. The only thing that brought my dh over to my side on this stuff was time.
Along the lines of proving to your DH that AP parenting works, please know that my DH is about as AP as they get. But if you said anything about Attachment Parenting, he's probably say "Attachement what?". I don't label things or suggest he live up to a standard of anything. I let him know I trust his intincts. That's how we both parent, by instinct, and I never even put a label to myself until DS was 8 month old or so.
So lay off the labels and just tell him you want to follow instincts, not a list of how to parent. And your instincts tell you to hold your baby when she cries, and your gut tells you that it's not okay to "give yourself a rest" and FF when it means giving less to your daughter. Your instincts tell you to keep her close at night stuff like that. He can't roll his eyes at that type of talk.
I have friends in both catergories and get along with them great. We focuse on what we do have in common and dont get into parenting debates that often. As long as their children are happy, healthy and well taken care of who am I to judge? We may have different paths but have similar goals for our children.
DH wants to take our summer family trip with another couple we know. The mom has completely different parenting techniques than we do, I was hesitant to spend 10 hours in a vehicle with them but DH reassured me that at least we'd have plenty of "interesting" conversations, lol. Hey, way to look on the bright side!
Originally Posted by Kristine233
I have friends in both catergories and get along with them great. We focuse on what we do have in common and dont get into parenting debates that often. As long as their children are happy, healthy and well taken care of who am I to judge? We may have different paths but have similar goals for our children.
DH wants to take our summer family trip with another couple we know. The mom has completely different parenting techniques than we do, I was hesitant to spend 10 hours in a vehicle with them but DH reassured me that at least we'd have plenty of "interesting" conversations, lol. Hey, way to look on the bright side!
This really resonated with me. I think its great when we can hang out with folks who are vastly different from us, it can be a great opportunity for learning on both sides.
I hesitate to say I am an AP parent because as my dh who is wonderfully open minded has commented as times it seems almost cultish. Another poster mentioned leaving copies of Mothering by the toilet, I think that's a great way to get your dh to understand and want to AP your kids. I leave books all over the place and have noticed my dh reading them or at least fliiping through them.
While you may not ever want to call these folks your best friends if it were me I would at least hang out 1-2 times to get a better idea of them.
we also have friends of many different parenting types. My dh is hardcore ap although he just recently found out what "ap" means. As we just did/do what comes naturaly and found out later that there was a term for it!
We have actually rubbed off on a few of our more mainstream parenting friends. When they see our beautiful,confident,born at home,bf'd,co-slept,worn in a sling,hs'd, 11 1/2 yr old daughter they can't help but see that ap works. We are not perfect parents and there are some things they do that I have learned from so it goes both ways i suppose.
Originally Posted by graciesma
There probably is a possibility that I would like them but i just cant help but feel he wants them to rub off on me. He sees AP as alot of uneccasary work. He thinks if I did things more mainstream i would let him slack too. Please help me explain to him why AP IS beneficial
Don't worry about your husband wanting mainstream to rub off on you...you go be her friend...and let that AP rub off on her....spread the AP love and do her the biggest favor in the world!!
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