Having another baby.... or adopting another baby? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 10 Old 02-05-2003, 11:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I have 2 1/2 YO and 7 month old dds, and i'm already craving another baby.... dh and i have always talked about adopting, but i really don't know that much about it. All we do know is that if we adopt we don't want the much coveted white infant... we're thinking someone like an older minority baby or a baby from another country, or an infant with medical problems.... I would like all of my children to be close in age, so this would be the time to make the decision between getting pregnant or adopting, and starting the process. does anyone who has adopted and birthed have any advice? any books recommendations? anything i should take into consideration in planning our mixed family? Oh, also, Money IS a consideration.
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#2 of 10 Old 02-06-2003, 12:41 AM
 
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I knew when I was pregnant with my second child that I wanted a third, and we have three now. Our children are three years apart, and one thing that I had never considered before we did that was that it is hard having children in three different "time zones". We had a newborn, a preschooler and an elementary school child; they were all doing different things, which kept us really, really busy. Now the older two are interested in some of the same things, so it is easier for us to keep up, but I do feel a bit envious of my friends who chose shorter spacings between the births of their children.

We have always thought that if we were to adopt or foster another child that we would wait until our birth children were a bit older. We have the feeling that age and maturity would help our birth children cope with some of the challenges that adopting or fostering a special-needs child would bring. I expect that would mean that we'd have two families, in a way, but I also think that it would be a good thing for us.
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#3 of 10 Old 02-06-2003, 11:13 AM
 
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My dh really wants to adopt chinese girls or romanian babies just from seeing documentaries on orphanages in these countries. I don't know when we will do it though, just some time in the future.

Jillian wife to Ryan and mommy to Janelle Ashlynn (9/09/2002), Kincaid Chance (3/29/2004), Travis Neil (8/13/2007) and River Anderson (5/02/2009).
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#4 of 10 Old 02-06-2003, 03:54 PM
 
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Call around to different adoption agencies, have a list of questions available to ask, write down your impressions of whoever to talk with. This way you'll have lots of information available.
Call both domestic and international places. Then you can try calling lawyers and asking them questions. This way you cover everything.

You'll need to decide if you want a Closed, Semi-Open, or Open adoption (if you decide to go domestic). A lot of times (for domestic) the birth parents pick out the adoptive parents (for newborns). For international you usually make the trip to pick him/her up.

Sometimes the wait is long, sometimes short. I know for my brother it only took my parents 9 months from start to finish, but for others it takes years!

Good luck

PS I told my honey that we will be adopting, he said he doesn't care how they get here, he just wants to eventually have kids.
I'm thinking: India, China, Korea, Russia, or Philipines.
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#5 of 10 Old 02-07-2003, 03:46 AM
 
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I would start with your state, do a search and you'll find your states Dept. of Health and Family services. You should be able to find out about adoption/fostering there. I say this because since money is a consideration, adopting throught the state won't cost much, if anything. In fact, there are special needs children where the state pays for the adoption process, and then some. Most of these children have medical/emotional problems, though. I'm in the same boat you're in. For us personally, what we have decided is we will adopt a baby/infant with mild-moderate medical needs. No emotional problems (unless very minor), as we have our own kids needs to think about. And race isn't an issue. I think the site www.adopt.org has some good info. Oh, and if you're willing to take a sibiling pair there is a high need for that. HTH~
Kristi

"Have faith in yourself and in the direction you have chosen." Ralph Marston

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#6 of 10 Old 02-27-2003, 11:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you all. Once we move (may?) i'll contact the department of health and family services. It's definately the best place to start when looking for a child who really needs a home because of special circumstances.

In the meantime, can anyone recommend books for me to learn more about adoption and the impact on the family and adoptive child?
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#7 of 10 Old 02-28-2003, 12:31 AM
 
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I should have a whole list of books in my head, but it is late, and I don't. Holly Van Gulden's, Real Children, Real Parents, (or something like that), is a very good one. Claudia Jewett's Helping Children Cope with Separation and Loss has a lot about older child adoption/foster care. I think Claudia Jewett has another book even more specific to adoption, but I can't think of the name.

If you are considering adopting children from the state foster cares system, I would urge you to think carefully about your motives/expectations. I work part time as a post adoption case manager and see everyday how devastating the effects of early abuse and neglect can be, even years later. I am not trying to discourage you from adopting one of these kiddos -- I just hope to encourage you to do your research and understand clearly what you are signing up for.

Also, many people still think younger=less damaged. This is not particularly true. The process of freeing a child for adoption is quite lengthy and often involves (several) attempts at reunification with the bio-family. A baby or very young child who is already free for adoption must have suffered some extremely severe trauma for the bio-parents rights to be terminated so (relatively) quickly. I think it is more important to consider the childs ability to form an attachment to his/her new parents. Dan Hughes is a good author if you want to understand more about attachment disorder and what it takes to parent one of these kids.

I realize this probably sounds pessemistic. Sorry.
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#8 of 10 Old 02-28-2003, 01:21 AM
 
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My dh and I have two dss and are in the process of adopting a baby from China. We chose a local adoption agency (in the Seattle area) that handles many international adoptions. Picking China was easy for us b/c dh is Chinese. If you're interested in adopting from China, a good book to read is The Lost Daughters of China. The author's name escapes me. A website packed with info. is www.fwcc.org (families with children from china). Right now, dh and I are in the thick of collecting the numerous number of documents needed. My two-year old ds is nursing and I'm having to type with one hand, so I'm cutting my choppy response short!!

Peace,
Joyfulheart
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#9 of 10 Old 02-28-2003, 02:08 AM
 
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Wow, another thread about adoption.

First let me say that if you are ready for a roller coaster of emotions GO FOR IT. First and foremost though, it is harder to adopt domestically from an agency when you already have two bio children UNLESS you are wanting to adopt a special needs infant or an infant of another race. Adoption can be costly, luckily there are tax credits up to 10000 and even higher for a special needs adoption.
Our son was adopted at birth, we are in an open adoption with his birthmother, and we met her on the internet. She lives 2000 miles from us so there is no visitation at this time. Our son is biracial and he has fetal alcohol spectrum disorder. My husband and I were only interested in a transracial adoptoin and we were open to various special needs. I think you need to know that when adopting a child with special needs you really need to be aware of how to handle those special needs. With these children you will be seeking a lot of help from the mainstream world, and sometimes the attachment parenting we are used to using with our other children doesnt always work well with children that have drug or alcohol effects. (i learned the hard way)
There are so many babies in the US that need loving homes. African American baby boys are the least desired in adoption, then biracial baby boys. Other children that are hard to place are those with Downs, Cleft lip/palate, or have a family history of mental illness.
You can adopt fairly inexpensively or for free through the state, though you will have to jump through hoops to do so. Fost to adopt situations can be an emotional roller coaster but you can just adopt through the state.

From personal experience, when considering adopting a child with special needs you really have to take into consideration the other children in your family. I had to devote a lot of time and energy more than I ever believed I would to my son after he came home and it really took away from my daughter. We as a family were not prepared to deal with all of these things and my daughter got the worst end of the stick. Now things are fine, I even had a baby when our son was 17 months old, but it has been a hard adjustment for her.
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#10 of 10 Old 02-28-2003, 12:50 PM
 
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Hi, Celine. I've read a few good books on adoption. I bought a couple and checked several out of the library. The one's I have and am getting rid of are:

The Idiot's Guide to Adoption- easy to read and not too complicated.

Is Adopton for You by Christine Adamec. I really liked this one as it helped my dh and I explore the different issues of adoption, especially since this was our first child.

And International Adoption Handbook by Alperson. This one is obviously for international adoptions but very information if you go this route.

Another good book, especially if the child you adopt is not of the same race is Are Those Kids Yours by Cherie Register. This explores the issues when your adopted children don't "look" like you.

If you're interested in any of the first 3 let me know as I said I have them and am getting rid of them. Otherwise, best wishes on your journey to becoming parents again!
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