whether to have a second baby or not - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 8 Old 02-06-2003, 09:19 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I was just wndering if any of you ever felt sad or a longing for the way your relationship used to be with your first child after your second was born. As mothers who are so closely attached to our children and share such a special relationship I wonder for myself if having a second would make me sad for the way it would change the dynamics of mine and DS relationship. My son is 2 and 7 months currently and my hormones are raging to have another. DS is a very sweet, easy going, compassionate child and I feel he would be able to handle the change about as well as any 3 1/2 yr old could. I feel ready but a little scared about how it will change our relationship. I love the closeness we share now and would hope to continue it the best I could after baby #2 was born but since I have no idea what the reality of that will really be like I'm feeling slightly ambivalent. Even with this concern I can't stop fantasizing about being pregnant and having another. What do all you insightful mamas think?
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#2 of 8 Old 02-06-2003, 09:45 PM
 
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I think this is always a concern when facing having the second. I admit now that I have three, I do think that ds#1 sometimes got the short end of the stick. He "grew up" more quickly then the other two. OTH ds#1 was a very clingy, affectionate child and having little bros. brought the compassionate side to him that amazed me. He was a very good big brother, helping me and encouraging his bros. to do things.

IMO your relationship will change, it doesn't matter if he's 3 1/2 yrs or 10 yrs. It is a good change though.
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#3 of 8 Old 02-06-2003, 10:19 PM
 
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Whether or not you decide to have another child, your relationship will change and grow with your first. It will move to different levels and they will assert their independence regardless, kwim?

We have four children. I have treasured each and every stage even more with each succeeding child, and watching them grow together as siblings has strengthened my relationship with each child. They are so different from eachother, and their relationships with eachother are different, too. I feel that I have given them playmates and friends and confidants by giving them siblings to grow up with.

The decision you have to make is what kind of Family you want to raise and nurture and live with, not just how the birth of each child will affect the other(s).

I had my second when my first was 3 1/2, too. Ds1 started preschool when he was four and it helped me have some alone time with ds2, as well as letting ds1 begin to form friendships with kids his own age. Like I said, they have different needs at different ages and stages of devlopment, and he was ready for this step, not all 4yo kids are.

I don't mourn the loss of my relationship with ds1 anymore than I mourn the loss of my relationship with dh when ds1 was born. Things just changed, they didn't end.

Love and strength to you in making this important decision, I hope my experience helps you decide one way or the other.
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#4 of 8 Old 02-07-2003, 08:15 PM - Thread Starter
 
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What great responses! Thank you so much.
<<<<I don't mourn the loss of my relationship with ds1 anymore than I mourn the loss of my relationship with dh when ds1 was born. Things just changed, they didn't end.>>>>>

This speaks volumes to me. Something tangible I can really compare it to. This really did help me to decide. We've decided to try again
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#5 of 8 Old 02-07-2003, 10:53 PM
 
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Wow, I truly appreciate your bringing up this subject mountainfaire! I have struggled with this issue intensely and it is quite frankly, a huge reason why DH and I (at least at this time) are not planning to have a second child. I was starting to think I was a little nutz because the idea of having another seems to come so easy to most. I, OTOH just can't seem to reconcile how having another child would effect my relationship to my DS who is now two. I've occasionally brought my feelings up to others and have been met with this sort of bewilderment... should have known it would be different here at MDC!

Now, I'm not currently having a huge burning desire to have another but I do think about it and sometimes I even wonder pretty strongly about what might be in the future. I adored pregnancy, and love being a mom... the answers here have made me realize that if down the line, I start to feel that desire for another, I could do it. I really could... things do change... relationships change... they grow... and that's ok. This is going to sound a little silly, but I never thought about quite that way before and it's very reassuring.

Thanks again.

Em

Em 43 - Wife to hubby Mom to DS born: Jan. '01
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#6 of 8 Old 02-08-2003, 04:59 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Embee thank you! I had no idea when I posted my questions that I may inadvertently be helping another mama who was going through the same struggle. That makes me feel so good and am I very happy as well that the responses have brought you some positive insight on what it would be like to have another. I posted this same question to an AP playgroup of mine and all the responses back were nothing but positive. I will be more then glad to sahre them with you through a private email if you like. Good luck on your journey!
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#7 of 8 Old 02-09-2003, 11:13 AM
 
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i really , really want another one, but dh does not. hopefully, he'll change his mind. i would even adopt. i feel like my mothering journey is not over, it has just begun and dd is 4.
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#8 of 8 Old 02-11-2003, 08:20 PM
 
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Wow. I've been quoted I just LOVE that!

You sound like a concerned and wonderful mama. Lots of ~baby dust ~ coming your way!
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