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Ms. Dull and Mr. Excitement (warning: a little long)

1K views 5 replies 4 participants last post by  Curious 
#1 ·
This is Dh and me in bed with Dd, as she's falling asleep. Most nights I'm alone with her. We have an office in the home and Dh is out a lot during the week working. After lights go out most nights, he goes to the office and does paperwork for about an hour. Dd falls asleep pretty quickly after nursing awhile with intermittent making of various rounds around the bed, moving stuffed animals, arranging pillows, etc.

She asks for water once, which I honor, but I don't get out of bed a second time, because I keep her water cup on a counter by the window, and after the first request for water, the following requests are to look out the window. I expain, "window tomorrow, sleep now." She understands that. She does not aske me to get out of bed agian since the first few times when I explained "living room tomorrow, sleep now." Then I'm very quiet and minimally conversational.

The few nights Dh is in the bed he talks lots. Every time she seems to be falling asleep, he says, "goodnight," and she pops up again. She goes to him for requests for water because he will take her to the window and watch cars for awhile. It takes longer for her to fall asleep those nights, and I'm just so tired sometimes I want to scream.

Last night was the worst. Dd tried to pull me up to carry her somewhere, which she hasn't done in a long time. When I said, "living room tomorrow, sleep now," she went to Dh. He got up and took her to a bedroom window to watch cars. As soon as he got back to bed with her, the crying started.

They made 6 trips to the window, crying worse after each return to bed, Dh taking her to the window because he couldn't stand the crying. And the "more, more!" I did my best to nicely explain that she does understand bedtime and each trip to the window would just make her want more - even more. But to Dh I'm just a party pooper.

I only make a big deal about it because Dd is so great at going to bed. Now I think Dh is creating a situation where she'll think the party is just starting, at least when he's around. We're talking about TTC sometime in the next few months, and I feel like Dd should be getting less and less steps to bedtime, not more and more.

Am I worrying about nothing? Will a few nights of Dad's party ruin her excellent sleep habits? How can I talk to Dh about this without sounding like a controlling shrew?

I'm trying to give them more daytime playtime together so that he doesn't feel like night is the only opportunity. Even then I sound like a controlling shrew, urging him off the computer or to awaken from a daytime nap when she's ready to play. Today I announced I was going to the office to do my paperwork and here I am. Problem is if I stay around, Dd hangs on me. Dh said I should hurry back! But then this goes back tot he cycle of him feeling like he has so little fun time with Dd.
 
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#2 ·
ooo - i know this one. my dh (and i'm sure a lot of other dhs for that matter!) is the same way. they just don't seem to get it. whenever he puts dd1 to bed, you can hear them out in the living room they are talking and laughing so loud and it just winds her up even more. why would you think tickling a kid to bed will work? ugh! so 9 times out of 10, him putting her to bed = me putting her to bed after he's gotten her wound up. oh well.

i have to say now that we have 3 kids, he is completely on bedtime duty w/dd1 and since he's been on duty, he seems to have seen the error of his prior ways and is much quieter and lower key now b/c i can't go in there most times to undo the damage he's done. it means he has to keep going back and back every night, every time instead of me helping b/c i'm usually nursing dd3 to sleep on the couch after having put dd2 to bed (she's so easy!)

i have two thoughts. 1) yes, if you let him keep this up, it will "ruin" her going to bed ritual that should be getting shorter and shorter, not longer and longer. at least for my kids that going to bed routine is very important and becomes part of their expectations when it gets changed (even a little) example, i added a song once to dd1's routine and that song after 1 time became a must in the line-up.

my second thought is that there is no way to put this to him w/out seeming like a controlling shrew. it's so hard to try to explain how to do something better w/out seeming like a know-it-all (which you are b/c you've been doing it! you do know it all and there's nothing wrong w/that!) so that makes me give the advice, fine, if he wants to play these little bed time games w/dd, okay. but he's the new bedtime putter-to-bedder. and he does it on his own. he'll soon find out that a new plan of action is in order i would think. and i know dd wants/needs you at bedtime, but i would just put it to dh as "you have your way, i have my way. love you honey, but your way is interfering w/my way so you have 3 options - 1) keep your way, but you're on your own b/c i don't want to fight w/you or act like a "controlling shrew" telling you what to do. 2) stay here w/us, but you've got to play by my rules and keep your mouth shut
b/c we've got a system and it works for us 3) stay out until i've put her to bed my way.

just my $2 b/c i'm too longwinded to give 2 cents
 
#4 ·
If dh is upset when you leave, I think that's your answer. "Do you want to handle this yourself?" No. "Then please let me handle it. Thanks."

This whole subject is pretty interesting to me -- dh and I are big believers in even-steven, partnership, no power games relationships, but that's just not possible with parenting. Or, to be more precise -- it is not possible when one parent (dh) works 12 hour days 6 days a week. We had to hammer that out. Given how much time I spend with dd vs. how much time he spends with her, I'm the boss. Period. I really value his input, I will listen respectfully, I will keep an open mind, but I'm the boss.
 
#5 ·
I ended up copping out to an external authority and had DH read the chapters of No Cry Sleep Solution that deal with the biology of sleep and the importance of a bedtime ritual for establish a bedtime pattern that will be hers for the next few YEARS. It was the 'years' part that got him...

However, I can completely understand his POV. Here was dd, desparate to stay up training her undivided attention (this is the important part) on him. I think he felt that he must be doing something 'right' to warrant that attention. It's been hard for him, being without boobs and all, these past 14 months.

This is one of those times that what's best for dd is not necessarily makes us feel best.
 
#6 ·
sozobe - Dh generally understands that I have a much better grasp of what makes Dd tick than he does, but he also feels that because he has so little time with her, it should all be party time.

NHF - you are right that Dh will grasp onto anything that he can do that is unique, since I do think it's been hard on him having no breasts and a mama-centric Dd. Thanks for the book referral. I reminded Dh that we may be putting two to sleep, and I could see the wheels turning. I'll keep it in mind.
 
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