Why am I so angry all the time? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 01:35 PM - Thread Starter
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This makes me really sad to even aknowledge this. I have been very short tempered with my children for some time now. I have three andrew is 4 and the twins are 16 1/2 months. I lose my temper over EVERYTHING. I raise my voice and get really mad at them. They are such wonderful children and don't deserve someone as mean as myself. How can I make a step in the right direction? No matter how hard I try to not lose my temper I do. I don't want them to grow up in this type of environment. Anyone have any suggestions on what I could turn for some positive help.
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#2 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 01:55 PM
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Don't be sad to admit it - I think it's GREAT that you acknowledge this problem. How else are you going to change anything?

I grew up in a house with a lot of anger and yelling and I am really happy to see you recognize that this is not a good way to raise children. I honestly think you could benefit from some counseling. Why are you so angry? Do you resent having to stay at home? Do you feel like a martyr, or like you exist only for your children? A good counselor can help you uncover the reasons why you are responding to your children the way you are.

Again, I really admire your honesty. A lot of people deny their emotions and can't admit when there is something wrong. Maybe your doctor can recommend a good counselor? Or you know a friend who has been through something similar?
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#3 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 02:13 PM
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I have some thoughts and questions for you.

Do you get a break at any point during the day where you don't have to deal with the children?

Is your spouse/partner able to play with the kids for 10 or 15 minutes each day? I find that when I haven't had a break all day, I start to get a little snappy. All I need is 10 or 15 minutes and all is fine. Sometimes this is just visiting the bathroom alone.

Maybe you could check out playgroups in your area. Even if you are with the kids, sometimes just letting run off and play without them being in your personal space for a bit can help. If not, do you know a teenager in the neighborhood who can come over after school and earn a couple of bucks for playing with the kids? This could give you a nice break.

Have you considered letting the 4 year old go to pre-school part of the day? That way you can spend some time with the twins and I am sure that one less for even two hours will really be helpful.

Just some ideas. It really sounds like you need a break and some time to recharge. Being a SAHM is really tough. I admire you for doing it.
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#4 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 02:13 PM
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I think I get too angry/irritated sometimes with ds, and feel really ashamed when I do. There are times when he is being challenging (won't put on his diaper, etc.), but most times I find it's because I want to do something, and he isn't cooperating. I find it helpful to often just surrender at those moments.

However, I know that isn't always helpful, or doable. There are 3 things that I have identified that make me much more irritable: Lack of sleep, not enough water/not eating right, and not getting enough time to myself. When I am deficient in any of these areas, I am much more likely to get angry with ds throughout the day.

Maybe check those things, and see if there are any areas in which you can get more of them for yourself. If you think it is runs deeper than these things, then I second the suggestion of seeing a counselor or therapist. I have done this in the past, and she had some really good suggestions for alternative ways to deal with anger.

And please don't be too hard on yourself. You have the toughest, most demanding job, and like the last poster said, just the fact that you are conscious of this as an issue, and that you want to make a change, means that you are a thoughtful, sensitive, loving mom.
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#5 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 04:14 PM
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hi stay at home mom,
no one mentioned this, so I thought that I would. Do you think that maybe you are suffering from post pardum depression? I do not know the degree of your behavior but you mentioned that you lose your temper over everything and get really mad at the children. You deserve a lot of credit for coming here to look for help with this problem, but perhaps, just prehaps, some counseling or medication for depression may help. You have taken a step in the right direction in order to help yourself, keep going. Find a professional to talk to so they can evaluate your situtation and help you resolve this stressful environment in your home and get you back on track. Take the next step and get some help for your children's sake and for your own piece of mind...
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#6 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 04:40 PM
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I don't think you are depressed and I hope if you see a pro you will think 3 times before medicating for depression.

You are overworked and not getting enough opportunities to rejuvenate yourself.

My suggestions

1. Group either where you can go alone to chat for support or where you can go with kids and let them play with other kids while you chat for support with other moms.

2. One day off per week. This is a date for you to do with you alone. Have someone care for the kids while you go out on a secret journey for the day.

3. I second the suggestion for a break of at least 15 minutes per day. No one can be expected to work 24/7 without a break and not get angry.

4. Definitely watch the diet and water intake - that's a great suggestion too.

5. Meditate once a day. If you have no experience with this, it's easy to get the basics down. I recommend a book called "A Path with Heart" by Jack Kornfield as a starter course. Also any mediation book by Tich Nat Hahn. I'm a hypocrite and never make time to meditate. When I do, it changes my whole perspective and life immediately. I become a happier and more positive person.

Most of all you can't do it alone. Find a way to get self time. Know that you are human and having a totally normal reaction. There are moms out there with superhuman reserves of energy, but you just need a little time to be yourself for awhile.

Good luck.
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#7 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 06:41 PM
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I know this sounds obvious, but are you tired? I mean physically exhausted. When I reach a certain level of fatigue, I get very irritable and stop enjoying my ds. The remedy is for me to either take a nap with my ds or go to bed when he does and stay in bed until he gets up. Even when he wakes me every 3 hours to nurse, I can still get at least 8 hours of sleep for every 10 I spend in bed. I hate to do this. I hate to lose my "my time" or have a messy house or whatever but I feel so much better. Like others have said... you need to take care of yourself in order to have the energy and patience to take care of others. Please take care of yourself. You have such a big job and the first 18 months are so hard with just one let alone 2 plus. Don't be afraid to ask for help from every one you know.
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#8 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 06:59 PM
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I would second and third the need to find alone time, whatever it takes. I have found that when I am angry with my son, and at the end of my ropes, a few hours out drinking a mocha, and browsing a bookstore can make my son seem wonderful and special again. You need to have a break especially because look at the load you have, a four year old and twin 18 month olds. I have one 18 month old and watch twin 3 year olds, and I am wiped by the end of the day. I don't know what it would be like to have them 24 hours a day. So get support. I got a gym membership a few months ago, and it has been one of the best things I have done for myself. It gives me an hour or two break every day to just focus on me and my health, and I am completely rejuvenated, and now my son loves it too. He didn't at first, but now he doesn't want to leave he loves playing there so much. I go there and do Yoga, because doing it at home is basically impossible, and I love it. There have been a bunch of great suggesstions, so hopefully you start feeling better. Don't feel guilty admitting it, that is how you make things better. If you hold it in and beat yourself up that is when moms snap. So good luck to you
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#9 of 9 Old 02-24-2003, 07:29 PM
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I agree with all the wonderful suggestions mamas have given you here, especially the ones about getting time to yourself. I want add that maybe trying to develop some coping strategies and some strategies for dealing effectively with kids (in terms of discipline/cooperation) might help you. I know it helps me if I have a handful of "tricks in my bag" when I need to get my kids to cooperate, and I don't want to resort to freaking out. Maybe a parenting class would work for you. Or if you want, we could all recommend some books for you.
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