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#1 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 09:48 AM - Thread Starter
 
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My mom is "done with me" and hasn't spoken to me in a few weeks. She said she is ashamed of me and told me that I shouldn't call her until I learn to love, honor and respect her. Why, you may wonder? Because I won't leave 1 year old dd with her. Outside of leaving her with DH at night when I go to work, I don't leave her with anyone. My mom is taking it personally and thinks it's because I don't trust her. She can't understand that it has nothing to do with her. DD cries whenever I leave and I'm not going to put her through that just so my mom can have her without me there. My mom feels that all babies cry and she will get over it and I need to stop coddling her : .

Let me say that DD is a healthy, happy baby and I am a good mother. It's been so frustrating to have my parenting critisized all the time...and now she's so angry she's terminated the relationship. Sheesh. I can't imagine ever treating my daughter this way.
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#2 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 10:28 AM
 
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She is throwing a temper tantrum. I would just keep my distance until she decides to grow up. You are the mother and you, along with DH, get to decide who DD is or is not, left with.

I am sorry your mother is behaving so immaturely.
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#3 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 10:29 AM
 
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Double post. sorry.
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#4 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 10:41 AM
 
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You are completely in your right.... however... having a loving grandmother is a gift that not every child gets. I would certainly hope that you and your mother can work something out so that your child can start to develop a relationship. A good friend of mine ended up hospitalized for 3 weeks when her little one was 10 months old. It was great that we had an extended family of people who her son was connected to. You get to be number one in your child's life but it is dangerous to be the one and only.

I also know my feelings would be horribly hurt if my child didn't value my involvement with my grandchild... but I would hope to handle it with more maturity than your mother has.

Maureen
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#5 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 10:56 AM
 
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Originally Posted by MsMoMpls
You are completely in your right.... however... having a loving grandmother is a gift that not every child gets. I would certainly hope that you and your mother can work something out so that your child can start to develop a relationship. A good friend of mine ended up hospitalized for 3 weeks when her little one was 10 months old. It was great that we had an extended family of people who her son was connected to. You get to be number one in your child's life but it is dangerous to be the one and only.

I also know my feelings would be horribly hurt if my child didn't value my involvement with my grandchild... but I would hope to handle it with more maturity than your mother has.

I fail to see where the fact that the OP does not want to leave her 1 yr old with her mother, or really anyone, is somehow devaluing the grandmother/grandchild relationship. I also did not see where the OP keeps her child from the grandmother.

My own mother does not babysit for us, neither does MIL. (we rarely have sitters) They do not pitch temper fits over it and no one feels that we do not value their relationship with our kids. I also would say that if the OP's mother would not help in an emergency, because she did not get her way, then she REALLY has some issues. Let's hope this is not the case.

I also hope something can be worked out, but I think it will depend on whether the Grandmother can swallow her pride and accept the boundaries her daughter has set.

I rarely spent alone time with one of my grandmothers, but that did not stop us from having a relationship.
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#6 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 12:45 PM
 
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Frankly, whether or not your child cries when you leave, I wouldn't leave my babies with such an immature person...EVER
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#7 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 01:38 PM
 
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The child can develop a great bond with grandma without being left alone with her. Grandma is acting very immaturely and is not respecting your position as a mother. I think that speaking to her about this after giving her some time to cool down in a good idea. Then you know where to go from there judging by her reaction.
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#8 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 01:41 PM
 
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As long as you have made opportunites for your mother to see your dd then you are completely within your rights to not leave her. My ds never stayed alone with my mother until I was in the hopsital having ds #2. And ONLY after she promised she would let him sleep with her and not make him go in the crib ( we were co-sleeping but had yet to take the crib apart) and I only felt comfortable because thankfully my ds at 23 months was speaking in complete sentences and could tell me if my mother didn't let him sleep with her.

Go with your gut. I think your mother is in the wrong and hopefully she will realize that. Perhaps you could write her a note telling her that you value her part in your dd's life but you have to raise her in a way that makes you and your dh happy. Did she not do that same thing?

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#9 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 03:00 PM
 
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I'm sorry to hear your Mom is acting this way.
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#10 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 03:06 PM
 
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Sorry that the only way for your Mum to feel valued is to make your child uncomfortable.

Having said this: DS cried yesterday when I left for the pool. I am 9 months pregnant, very, very uncomfortable, and the water feels good and I wanted some me time. According to MIL (who is excellent with children, if a little overprotective) he stopped very soon (and I believe her). Anyway, he is 26 months and I NEEDED time for myself. Gosh, I was only gone for an hour. And I did feel so lightweight in the water, of course, climbing out all of the good feeling quickly goes...
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#11 of 19 Old 06-03-2006, 03:09 PM
 
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Sorry that you are dealing with this. My mother was the same way, she just never understood why I don't let my kiddos cry.

Hopefully your mother will decide to respect you as a mother and learn to understand why you don't want your kids to cry.
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#12 of 19 Old 06-04-2006, 06:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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You folks are right, she's acting very immaturly. It's also true that a good relationship with grandma can be a great thing for a kid, so I hope she gets over this. It's like she thinks that the way things are now is how they will always be. I can't get her to understand that when dd is three (or whatever age she's ready) she'll be able to spend the night with her.

To illustrate just what kind of temper tantrum my mom's throwing, she yelled at me in a nasty tone of voice, "I have to make an appointment just to see my own grandchild!" This was in response to my telling her she can stop over any time, just call first. She also constantly harps on me about how dd manipulates me by crying and that I act like she's the only baby in the world. Well, she's the only baby in my world and I'm not going to let her cry just because. It doesn't make sense.

I'm at the point where I'm going to do what is best for my family and not loose sleep over my mom. It's her loss, really.
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#13 of 19 Old 06-04-2006, 06:26 AM
 
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When I first read your post I thought - well, I don't leave dd with the grandparents either. Then I realized that I actually have, because when they visit we keep dd home from preschool for a half day so that they can spend some time together.

But then I thought - well, she's probably a SAHM and isn't used to being away from her baby at all, so it's different.

But just a few posts later I found the thead "I miss my dd so much right now", in which you reveal that you work four days per week! So your dd is spending time away from you, right? Why not with grandma, then?

Or am I missing something?
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#14 of 19 Old 06-04-2006, 08:56 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by blessed
When I first read your post I thought - well, I don't leave dd with the grandparents either. Then I realized that I actually have, because when they visit we keep dd home from preschool for a half day so that they can spend some time together.

But then I thought - well, she's probably a SAHM and isn't used to being away from her baby at all, so it's different.

But just a few posts later I found the thead "I miss my dd so much right now", in which you reveal that you work four days per week! So your dd is spending time away from you, right? Why not with grandma, then?

Or am I missing something?
No, not at all. In fact, my point to my mom was that I already have to leave her to go to work and that was stressful enough so I'm not going to leave her anymore than I already have to. I work at night to minimize the separation - she stays home with dh. She used to cry for HOURS when I left for work, but now only cries for a few minutes before falling asleep. I don't think dd would react very positively to being left during the day, especially with someone other than dh. BTW, dh is a SAHD.
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#15 of 19 Old 06-04-2006, 10:27 AM
 
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If she is crying like that with daddy then I see your point even more clearly then before and so should your mother. Does she know this was happening? I mean the poor baby is only 1 for heavens sake. And on the calling thing first, I don't blame you there. Even though my parents live 6 hours away if they did live close I too would just want a heads up that they were coming over. I would not say no, but it would give me a few moments to get myself together. I hope it all works out for you

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#16 of 19 Old 06-05-2006, 12:59 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JSerene
She can't understand that it has nothing to do with her. DD cries whenever I leave and I'm not going to put her through that just so my mom can have her without me there. My mom feels that all babies cry and she will get over it and I need to stop coddling her : .

Let me say that DD is a healthy, happy baby and I am a good mother. It's been so frustrating to have my parenting critisized all the time...
Separation anxiety aside, I don't think I could leave my kid with someone who isn't willing to respect my parenting choices. They don't have to agree with my decisions, but they shouldn't be trying to convince me to do something I don't think is appropriate for my kid.
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#17 of 19 Old 06-05-2006, 01:39 AM
 
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I did not want to leave my son for the longest time, yet my wonderful MIL wanted to spend lots of time with him, so we worked it out. When I was working when my son was 3-6 months (I was on maternity, and then ended up staying home) my MIL would travel to work with me and watch him at my office so he could be near. I love her so much for doing that. Then when I stayed home she would come over and watch him for a few hours while I got some me time, some time on the computer, a trip to the store, bath, nap, whatever. It was nice because he was still close and I could somewhat supervise her until I felt more comfortable. I was also able to show her how we were parenting our son, and she picked it up quickly.

Of course not all grandparents can do these things, but I thought I might put my story out there as how others might help to make that transition. My son now goes over Grandma's for one day a week, and I am very happy about it and he LOVES it. She spoils him within limits we have set as a family and he is developing a very close relationship with her.
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#18 of 19 Old 06-05-2006, 08:53 PM
 
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for pity's sake; the grandmother has made it clear that she will delight in having her grandchild cry just so she doesn't think she's the only baby in the world Who on God's green earth would even think of leaving their child alone with someone who has declared her intentions so clearly? Not one who cares about her child, for sure
Good job Momma; don't be afraid to tell her that when your DD can speak clearly you will think of leaving her with someone other than you or DH; not before.

and to the pp who said that if you're working you shouldn't care what sort of care your DC gets :
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#19 of 19 Old 06-05-2006, 09:15 PM
 
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Oh that so sucks - I'm sorry you're having to go through that. Hopefully your mom will smarten up and realise she's being childish! And I really think she is being childish, making this all about her. I had a similar problem with my MIL when ds was 11 months old - she offered to babysit while dh and I went out for dinner for his birthday, which we really appreciated - she had babysat ds once before and that was the only time ANYONE other then myself or dh had taken care of him. Anyhow, the night before the dinner we called to firm up the plans and she said she'd only babysit if I agreed not to call while we were out. WTF? I'm not allowed to call? He's my baby, basically only used to me and dh. If I want to be paranoid mom and call, I get to be paranoid mom and call. It's not like I was planning on definitely calling or anything - I trusted her to call if there was a problem, well, I trusted her until she said I wasn't allowed to call, and then I started to freak out 'why doesn't she want me to call, what's she trying to hide!?' (really I don't think there was anything like that, but it made me paranoid!). Anyhow, the jist of the story is that we called off the babysitting and went out to dinner as a family (the 3 of us) and MIL babysitting has never come up again (ds is 2 now but we moved out of the country a few months ago, so babsitting opportunities are nil now!). Anyhow, my point of all this is that I felt so horrible after all that for so long - was I being silly, not considerate of her feelings, had I hurt her etc etc - until I realised she was just being a silly old woman, acting like a child, making it all about her when it should have been all about the BABY. Bah! So don't let her boss you around (not that I think you will!)!!
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