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#31 of 59 Old 06-11-2006, 09:21 PM - Thread Starter
 
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*sigh* Am getting really ticked. So dh calls mil to tell her we're coming over tonight and she says that it's not a good night, that she has church tonight. I'm all for going to church and being religious and all but there is such a thing as going overboard if you ask me. The woman goes twice on Sundays, Wednesday nights and Friday nights. And another thing, she's got an awful lot of nerve complaining that we "never let her see the baby" when she's turned us down now FOUR times. So anyways, we are scheduled to go over there tomorrow night. I'm curious as to how it will go. I'm betting she either cries or gets nasty and blames the entire thing on me. I'll be sure to let you all know how it went. Wish me luck!
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#32 of 59 Old 06-11-2006, 10:13 PM
 
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She IS an expert! She's giving you a taste of your own medicine, m'dear If she cancels again, drop it. Don't ask to come over any more and continue with only seeing her if it's convenient for you and for the length of time it's convenient. Set the boundaries at the start of the visit and enforce them at the end. Ask for a friend or your mother's help by asking them to come over at 3 pm for a "prior appointment".

GL; sounds like you're doing a great job remembering who is the momma bear here
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#33 of 59 Old 06-11-2006, 10:47 PM
 
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Kristen, it sounds like you are doing a great job with this - growing that mama bear bone!

I've had to learn...it's hard...and your mil is truly toxic by any stretch of the imagination. Hang in there and be strong!

Mama to A 8/05 and S 11/06
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#34 of 59 Old 06-11-2006, 10:49 PM
 
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I agree if she cancels again, forget it and then see her only when and if you feel like it. She doesn't want to talk to you...mission accomplished!!
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#35 of 59 Old 06-11-2006, 11:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I agree if she cancels again, forget it and then see her only when and if you feel like it. She doesn't want to talk to you...mission accomplished!!
I couldn't agree more. I told dh that this was just one more attempt from her to manipulate and control the situation. Thankfully, he seems to finally be seeing the light where she's concerned, though not yet to the same extent that everyone else sees it. Still, it's a start! But I agree, if she cancels again, then she will see the baby only when and if I feel like it and only at OUR house, not at hers, which is what she seems to want more than anything.
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#36 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 11:46 AM
 
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I guess I'm kinda the minority opinion here. I'm the mama of 2 boys, I'm not sure if I'll ever have a daughter. I HOPE I can someday have a good relationship with my DILs. I know how stong a mother/daughter bond can be, and I also know I'd hate to be the odd woman out when my grandchildren come along. I would be devestated if my son told me I couldn't see my grandchild while my DIL and her mom and new baby went out shopping... if would have wished I'd been asked to come along. Now I certainly don't know your MIL, and maybe she is totally wack job, but I might give her the benefit of the doubt (a little!). She might just be feeling left out, which isn't your responsibility to fix... maybe you and your DH can have a real heart to heart talk with your MIL/FIL and find a way to help include her in your new baby's life... but also help keep your sanity/boundaries.

My MIL has three sons and no daughters, but she makes no effort to come see her only 2 grandchildren... we have to go to their house! Which we rarely do.
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#37 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 12:49 PM
 
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Originally Posted by greymama
I guess I'm kinda the minority opinion here. I'm the mama of 2 boys, I'm not sure if I'll ever have a daughter. I HOPE I can someday have a good relationship with my DILs. I know how stong a mother/daughter bond can be, and I also know I'd hate to be the odd woman out when my grandchildren come along. I would be devestated if my son told me I couldn't see my grandchild while my DIL and her mom and new baby went out shopping... if would have wished I'd been asked to come along. Now I certainly don't know your MIL, and maybe she is totally wack job, but I might give her the benefit of the doubt (a little!). She might just be feeling left out, which isn't your responsibility to fix... maybe you and your DH can have a real heart to heart talk with your MIL/FIL and find a way to help include her in your new baby's life... but also help keep your sanity/boundaries.

My MIL has three sons and no daughters, but she makes no effort to come see her only 2 grandchildren... we have to go to their house! Which we rarely do.

The child is only 7 weeks old and the OP did say that the MIL calls many times a day and has seen the child quite a bit. I think she needs to back off and grow up a little, and learn that it is not always about her.

I am also the mother of all boys. I will not be having any more children and so, will not have a daughter. However, I vow to be there if needed and back off and give my son and wife and new baby some space, if/when the time comes. I vow not to give unsolicited advice and will not whine about how much the DIL's family sees the baby. I will trust my son and his wife to do the best they can by me and DH.

I have learned enough from my own inlaws and the inlaws of others to know what NOT to do.
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#38 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 01:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by greymama
I guess I'm kinda the minority opinion here. I'm the mama of 2 boys, I'm not sure if I'll ever have a daughter. I HOPE I can someday have a good relationship with my DILs. I know how stong a mother/daughter bond can be, and I also know I'd hate to be the odd woman out when my grandchildren come along. I would be devestated if my son told me I couldn't see my grandchild while my DIL and her mom and new baby went out shopping... if would have wished I'd been asked to come along. Now I certainly don't know your MIL, and maybe she is totally wack job, but I might give her the benefit of the doubt (a little!). She might just be feeling left out, which isn't your responsibility to fix... maybe you and your DH can have a real heart to heart talk with your MIL/FIL and find a way to help include her in your new baby's life... but also help keep your sanity/boundaries.

My MIL has three sons and no daughters, but she makes no effort to come see her only 2 grandchildren... we have to go to their house! Which we rarely do.
I have made much effort to ensure mil gets as much time as possible with the baby. Originally, I had told her that if she wants to come by every day after work for up to an hour that that would be fine. Either that or she could come by on Saturday with fil and they could stay up to 4 hours. But mil took my generosity and abused it by coming Tuesday, after I'd told her she could come by for a COUPLE HOURS, and wound up staying here for seven and a half hours. Not only that but she also called later that night to see how the baby was doing as well as coming by every other day that week and staying for at least an hour or two. My problem isn't that she wants to see the baby, it's that no matter how often she sees him it's never enough. I've become convinced that the ONLY way she'll be content is if dh and I move in with her or allow her to move in here. That's the only way she would be satisfied with how much time she sees the baby.

Don't get me wrong, I'm glad she loves him and wants to spend time with him as much as possible. But there is such a thing as going overboard and mil has gone WAY beyond the normal grandmother/grandchild relationship. I had been feeling a certain way about this but said nothing to anyone about it, including my dh. So I was surprised when weekend before last at the baptism party three people came up to me seperately and said to me that they felt mil was not only obsessed with the baby but that she also acted as if she wished SHE were the child's mother and that that was evident by the way she criticized everything I did and attempted to take over and do it herself. So I now know it's not just me over-reacting or anything. Mil definately has issues.
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#39 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 02:55 PM
 
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Please don't think I was slamming you at all. I know if my MIL had stayed at my house for 7 hours, I'd be looking at the bottom of an empty vodka bottle. Then again, when my DH#2 was born he spent 10 days in the NICU, and my MIL who worked in the SAME hospital couldn't even be bothered to come a see him. I do see your point how she has overstepped the boundary. Good luck.
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#40 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 03:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Originally Posted by greymama
Please don't think I was slamming you at all. I know if my MIL had stayed at my house for 7 hours, I'd be looking at the bottom of an empty vodka bottle. Then again, when my DH#2 was born he spent 10 days in the NICU, and my MIL who worked in the SAME hospital couldn't even be bothered to come a see him. I do see your point how she has overstepped the boundary. Good luck.
No, I didn't think you were slamming me. I was just wanting you to understand that I am not the bad guy here.
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#41 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 05:31 PM
 
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I think there comes a time when women need their own space and place to do things their own way. That time came, for me, when my children were born. I became momma hen. I knew how I wanted things done with my babies (twins) and when my MIL/FIL came to visit for the first time, they pissed me off beyond belief! The first day they were here, my husband was at work. My boys didn't have any naps (they were taking 4 to 5 naps a day) and MIL/FIL would take the babies ANYWHERE in the house where I wasn't! I was fuming and when hubby got home, he mediated, but I was so worried he would side with them. I prefer to spend time with IL"S with husband close.

Good luck standing your ground and making your spot! You're a brave Momma!

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#42 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 05:44 PM
 
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No, I didn't think you were slamming me. I was just wanting you to understand that I am not the bad guy here.

You sure are not the bad guy here!! This is not about your MIL loving the new baby and wanting to help out. It is about her wanting to control everything. That is bad. If she was coming over for seven hours to cook, clean and let you have a nap while she played with the baby that would be very different.

Good luck! Don't back down no matter what!

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#43 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 06:07 PM
 
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I can fully relate with where the op is coming from, as I have been in the same situation now for over 3 years.

I have in-laws that expect and demand parental rights over their grandchildren. Yes, I typed that right, they want parental rights, the same rights as we as parents have, over their grandchildren.

My in-laws would only be so much happier if we gave them our two children (and the one soon to be born) to be raised by them 50/50. They only want to visit when it is convenient for them...regardless of how inconvenient it is for the grand children or their parents. They expect us to drop everything at a phone call to come running.

Last week Tuesday was the end of Scouting BBQ. At 12:15-12:30, FIL calls and invites us to dinner at 6:00 at a place that is like 30-40 minutes away. Expecting us to fully drop everything and come running.

My IL's also have a bad habbit of waiting till the last minute to plan or organize anything. Great Grandma is coming in two weeks and it took us saying, well we need to know, because friends are inviting the boys to birthday parties and we need to RSVP in the next few days. I mean, her visit was less than 3 weeks away...and they expected us to keep a whole two weeks open, so we could get a call at the drop of a pin and come running.

Ok, I guess my point is, that there are some people (parents or in-laws) who just feel that they as grandparents have the right to control their grandchildren's lives, and that if you don't give them that right, you are being mean and hurtful to them. And it is not just controling their lives, it is also taking their expert advice on every subject and following it (agian something we have had to deal with for 3+ years now), even when it contradicts trained and schooled pediatricians and other medical professionals.

I am not saying that a grandparent shouldn't be able to say we don't agree with X, but what I saying is that a grandparent doesn't and shouldn't get upset or angry that you went a head with X against their advice/opinion. Instead they should support you and your family, even if they do not always agree with the situation.

My own mom doesn't agree with some of the things we do, she says so, but yet she supports us to the best of her ability in those decisions. Right now she doesn't support a homebirth, but if that is what we choose, she wont berate or hate, or badger us or try to change our minds or make us do what she wants.
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#44 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 09:08 PM
 
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I agree with the suggestions that your DH needs to realize which team he is on! I would be so screwed if my DH didn't go to bat with his mom for me. Both our moms are manipulators but in totally different ways. I am just learning to deal with my mom (at age 40!) and I don't have the strength to deal with his too. I'm so glad that yours has decided to be supportive!

I had to take DS off with me sometimes to get visitors to take a hint. He had a congenital heart defect so I was very protective of his naps. He's such a social butterfly that he will just force himself to stay awake if there are people around. Last August we had a BBQ so that family and friends could meet him and at one point I just had to take him upstairs to nurse and nap so he could get some rest. I still have this problem with my MIL. She comes over almost every Sunday and times it so that it's convenient for her schedule, not DS' naps and meals. I have to be tough with myself and not try to keep him awake so she can spend more time with him. It is hard.

We tried to head this whole problem off at the pass by suggesting that our moms go to a grandparenting class at the hospital where we were taking our birthing class. It lasted for a couple of months, but then they were right back to their old habits. Luckily we got them to spill the beans about what kind of things they were taught so now we can pull out those nuggets of wisdom and tell them "remember in your class how they said X, Y and Z?" It's been a big help. I still wish they had refresher classes for the grandparents though.

I think that class addressed Greymama's issue too. The teacher gave them a piece of paper with this sentence on it: It is my job to spoil my grandchild. Then she asked them if there was anything wrong with the sentence. All the soon-to-be grandparents smiled and said that no, that was exactly their jobs! The teacher then told them to take their pens and cross out the word "grand" and then they would have a perfect sentence. It is the best lesson that a grandparent can get. It is your job to spoil your children (esp when daughter or DIL is recovering from a c-section!) so that they are able to spoil your grandchildren.

Mostly I want to say good luck and to let you know you aren't alone. Oh, and we never, ever answer the phone for anyone. Ever. It's the only way we have any peace.

PS -- Go BelgianSheepDog! You rock!
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#45 of 59 Old 06-12-2006, 11:22 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, we had the talk tonight. It went allright I guess. Dh wasn't quite as straightforward as I felt he should be but he did touch on everything that I felt needed to be addressed so as least that's something positive. I'm not so sure that mil got the picture though judging by some of her comments. But, I guess only time will tell if the talk did any good or not. In the meantime, dh has agreed that now that we've discussed clearly what the boundaries are, we will BOTH work together to enforce them. And if I stick to my guns and tell mil that it's not a good day for a visit and she runs crying to dh then he has agreed to back me 110%. I know he means it but I'm just hoping that when push comes to shove and his mom turns on the tears that he sticks to his guns and remembers his promise to me. Guess I'll have to wait and see!
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#46 of 59 Old 06-13-2006, 05:20 AM
 
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Nothing left to say but good luck!
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#47 of 59 Old 06-13-2006, 12:45 PM
 
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I'm glad you were able to get things said at your meeting. Frankly, your MIL probably didn't get it. For example, I ( and my husband) have told my MIL I don't even know how many times over the last 13 years that I detest coffee and she is still absolutely amazed every time she hears it. It's a trivial example, but very indicative of how she does other stuff. If it suits her wants she remembers things.

Anyway the important part, to me, is that your husband feels he's done the straightforward thing with his mom and says that he will back you up on things in the future. That is a great step forward. Keep standing your ground and enjoy your little one!
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#48 of 59 Old 06-13-2006, 11:11 PM - Thread Starter
 
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One thing mil said bothered me last night though. A couple weeks or so ago, Jack suddenly had a screaming fit one evening. I had bathed him and was dressing him when he just started crying really hard. We looked him over thoroughly and couldn't find any reason he should be crying. Remembering that mil had told me about dh having colic really bad as an infant, I told dh to call her and ask her if she thought that could be what this was. Apparently she heard Jack screaming in the background because last night she told us that she couldn't sleep that night and could barely work all day the next day because she kept hearing that cry. She said that she just HAD to see him before going home that night to make sure he was okay. Dh said, "Well of COURSE he was okay. We can take care of our child" and mil replied, "I know. But I just had to see him and make sure." That one comment told me with 100% certainty that I am right - that mil doesn't think we can take care of our own child and apparently need her to check up on us.

Another thing that ticked me off is that mil doesn't get that she has ZERO right to be angry when she calls at the last minute to tell us (not ask, to TELL us) that she wants to see the baby and we already have plans. She said last night, "It wasn't that you said I couldn't come over, it was that I had called THREE TIMES and you said no!" I told her that if she would call the day BEFOREHAND that we'd be glad to rearrange our schedule if possible to accomodate her but that if she was going to call at the last second then she ran the risk that we already had plans. She just kept making excuses and/or not getting my point.
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#49 of 59 Old 06-13-2006, 11:58 PM
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If you stick to your guns, draw a clear boundary line, and get your dh on your side 110%, your mil will be forced to come around. Either that, or you can get caller ID and just stop answering her calls. Just state your boundaries to her and offer nothing for her to debate. I have had to do this with my sil for something else and it is hard to deal with pigheaded, selfish people. The only thing you can do is just set your boundaries, stick to them, refuse to debate the issue, and then act accordingly. If she does not want to grow and improve herself, that is her problem.
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#50 of 59 Old 06-17-2006, 01:40 AM
 
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Are you sure that you don't have the same mil I have? I could had wrote that myself. Even down to the part of the wedding. SCARY!

Four children later the best advice I can tell you is to stand up to her now. Don't wait like I did and let her get under your skin and make you nuts. You don't have to do it in a mean way. Just let her know that you are the child's mom and you are doing a great job.

She needs to understand that only you and your husband are the child's parents. She is the grandmother and only the grandmother. You will have to put your foot down and keep that foot down. Good Luck! I have been there!
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#51 of 59 Old 06-17-2006, 10:50 PM
 
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" I told her that if she would call the day BEFOREHAND that we'd be glad to rearrange our schedule if possible to accomodate her but that if she was going to call at the last second then she ran the risk that we already had plans. She just kept making excuses and/or not getting my point.
Don't rearange your schedule for her even if she calls a day ahead. If it works then great. If you have plans tell her so and let her know what would be good for YOU.

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#52 of 59 Old 06-18-2006, 12:28 AM
 
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One thing mil said bothered me last night though. A couple weeks or so ago, Jack suddenly had a screaming fit one evening. I had bathed him and was dressing him when he just started crying really hard. We looked him over thoroughly and couldn't find any reason he should be crying. Remembering that mil had told me about dh having colic really bad as an infant, I told dh to call her and ask her if she thought that could be what this was. Apparently she heard Jack screaming in the background because last night she told us that she couldn't sleep that night and could barely work all day the next day because she kept hearing that cry. She said that she just HAD to see him before going home that night to make sure he was okay. Dh said, "Well of COURSE he was okay. We can take care of our child" and mil replied, "I know. But I just had to see him and make sure." That one comment told me with 100% certainty that I am right - that mil doesn't think we can take care of our own child and apparently need her to check up on us.
That could certainly be it, but that's not what I'm taking from what you just posted. Your MIL sounds...well, "nuts" is the only word I can think of. Not being able to sleep all night because you heard your grandchild crying over the phone goes waayyyy beyond thinking you need to check up on your son and daughter-in-law, imo.

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd be working really hard to minimize contact with this woman. I know she's your dh's mom, but she sounds very unstable.

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#53 of 59 Old 06-18-2006, 11:16 PM - Thread Starter
 
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That could certainly be it, but that's not what I'm taking from what you just posted. Your MIL sounds...well, "nuts" is the only word I can think of. Not being able to sleep all night because you heard your grandchild crying over the phone goes waayyyy beyond thinking you need to check up on your son and daughter-in-law, imo.

I think that if I were in your shoes, I'd be working really hard to minimize contact with this woman. I know she's your dh's mom, but she sounds very unstable.
Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU!!! Particularly about the last part. I've tried talking to dh but, to him, his mother's behavior is normal so he doesn't see anything wrong with it. I almost wish she would do something so outrageous, so "out there" that dh would have no choice but to see her for the wack job that she is and limit our contact with her. Instead, she's the perfect mother, a woman who can do no wrong and he's always making excuses for her behavior.
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#54 of 59 Old 06-19-2006, 01:53 AM
 
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Trust me, I know exactly where you are coming from on this. (Check out my posts on the homebirth board.)

I swear my MIL and FIL are completely psychotic when it comes to babies. they have to have a say in baby's raising. They expect and demand parental rights to their grandparents (ie the right to visitation when and where they want it, the right to make decisions for the child, the right to tell the parents how to raise the child, etc.). We have had a long 3+ year struggle with my IL's over raising our children. They agree with very little of anything that we do with our boys. I could give hundreds of examples. And it is not just them. They think their daughter (SIL) has rights to my children - visitation and decision making rights. We had to temporarily cut SIL out of our lives as we felt it was in the best interest of our child and ourselves at that time, and their only concern was how their daughter was feeling because she so desperately missed my child (well, she only did it to herself, you don't do what she did and then expect the people you did it to to be a ok with it and not shy away from you or cut you out of their lives and their children's lives).

Right now we have had at least two people upset with us, because we didn't drop everything and come running/visit the minute MIL got out of surgery back in April. We were busy, hubby talked to her many times on the phone. Then she developed complications (suspect infection of unknown origion) and we didn't think it was safe for the boys, the proper place, or safe for her (or other renal patients) to be around 2 young children and the germs they carry. Again, we didn't go visit, but hubby called numerous times. We got yelled out, because we were trying to protect our children and for the fact we didn't feel it was an appropriate place (she had tubes and IV's coming out of her all over the place, and again lots of other equipment because it was on the renal floor).

Your MIL has no cause for concern to be up all night because a baby is crying. That is what they do at that age in response to many things - wet they cry, hungry they cry...scared they cry...tired they cry...gassy they cry...too hot/cold they cry...a parent learns to differentiate what the different cries mean and how to respond. heck her phone call could have woken the baby unexpectedly and it would have cried because of the sudden interuption in its sleep (my almost 15 month old does that).

Just wait, it wont be long before she does that something to cause your hubby to step back. My MIL and FIL have...and like your hubby, mine is a big momma's boy...but he is changing to see how his parents are interfering and just causing us more stress. We have learned through the years, we cannot give them any information or it is just used against us.

Melissa S.
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#55 of 59 Old 06-19-2006, 01:56 AM
 
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Instead, she's the perfect mother, a woman who can do no wrong and he's always making excuses for her behavior.
Welcome to my world......:

fambedsingle2.gifnovaxnocirc.gifHappy to be a mommy and teacher to D fencing.gif, born 1-17-06 via waterbirth.jpg  and A  blahblah.gif, born 10-6-08 with a homebirth.jpghomeschool.gif

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#56 of 59 Old 06-19-2006, 02:51 AM
 
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sounds like my dad and his wife. and good luck. (reading through this thread got me inspired to work on a letter that I've been working on to the about the kids and they're place as grandparents)
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#57 of 59 Old 06-19-2006, 03:45 AM
 
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#58 of 59 Old 06-19-2006, 02:17 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Have it! I got it a long time ago to see if it could help me deal with my mil and my dh's inability to see any wrong in his mother. It helped quite a bit. Unfortunately however, I'm still having problems. But it IS a very good book!
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#59 of 59 Old 06-19-2006, 11:36 PM
 
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Mama, I just have to say I know what you are going through. Just a piece of advice: TAKE CARE OF IT RIGHT NOW!!! I have been going through this for 12 years now. It is my fault for not getting it dealt with when ds was born. I thought I could leave it up to my dh to take care of. WRONG! It only takes mil to cry before dh gives in. My marriage is about to come to an end because of it. So please take care of this problem now, yourself. I swear my mil is the worst one ever! If I could only tell you everything she has done to me. But it would take forever, that is how much she has ruined my life and my familys and there is not a damed thing I can do about it, because dh sides with her now. Good luck and I really hope everthing works out for you.

Rhonda DW to Mike and DM to DD Jaci 18 and DS Tyler 15- also GM to Zander 6 mo
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