How do you know if you are done having babies? - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 06-07-2006, 03:30 PM - Thread Starter
 
justmandy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In the fringe of society
Posts: 1,042
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We have 3 kids-dd 5.5, ds 2.5 and ds 12 months-we have decided not to have any more babies. It's a great decision-most of the time. I love our family dynamic. Dd is my only girl, very much my partner and helper when it comes to so many things. She's interesting, funny, smart, patient, a good listener, brave, empithetic...the list goes on and on. She's a budding crunchy advocate (she's told friends they shouldn't use paper wipes b/c it's not good for the land and has freeked out when given a plastic cup, instead of the safer ones we use...she has also said when she grows up she's going to cd, bf, homeschool, garden and compost ) I have a very special relationship with her and the thought of having another girl both makes me sad that it won't be exclusive and also scares the pants "on" me (haha) b/c she can also be high maintenence and DRAMA (she must get that from her father )

Ds #1 is a ham-he's all boy and a people pleaser. He doen's say much but his big old head is always coming up with something new. He and his brother are only 16 months apart so he's already got compition there. He loves his baby though, he takes his frustrations out on dh and I. Really I like the idea of the boys being close. It's more like they are their own unit-like twins I suppose. I also imagine they will be more like that as the gap between there development closes.

The baby is on the move and already throwing tantrums. He used to be my sweet mama's boy. Smiling, laid back, nursing and sleeping when and where it was convienent for me. He's the cutest thing you've ever seen with his tiny body (he's a bit small) his big teeth anbd a big scrunchy-nose smile. He's not really like that anymore. He's uber needy-not that I expect him to be self sufficiant He wants to be held the entire time he's awake and throws a fit bigger then my 2 yo when he doesn't get his way. Maybe that's my problem. He's growng up...right before my eyes.

Any way we decided for a slew of reasons that we are done, but the whole "never being pg again" breaks my heart a little bit. Part of me wants to do it again so I can do it "right" I'd love to have a home birth and cd from the beginning. But that's no reason to have a baby. That's an exparament that puts my whole family at risk, financially, emotionally, dynamically, physically, etc.

How do I move on with this part of my life and have closure to this wonderful season that is fading away?

Mandy, Jesus loving, homebirthing, cloth diapering, baby wearing, breastfeeding, non-vaxing, food growing, homeschooling, hippy mama of 4.
justmandy is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 06-07-2006, 03:44 PM
 
*violet*'s Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2004
Posts: 1,131
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not popping in to offer help, in fact, I feel as you do. I would like to have another baby, but my littlest one is only 3 months old. I am already missing that tiny little baby stage. How pathetic is that?

Maybe we'll get some good mama advice here.
*violet* is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 04:03 PM
 
RedWine's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 2,899
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
:
RedWine is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 04:09 PM
 
PancakeGoddess's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2004
Posts: 5,264
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm not sure what to tell you about your feeling done. I'm preg with my fourth and final, and although that feels right to me now, time will tell if I start to feel sad in a couple years.

What I did want to add is that I was my mother's only daughter for 10 years, and while it was a fine relationship, the sister I finally got is a persisting treasure. There is nothing like a good sister : and I assume she'll be around with me long after my mama has passed on.

But that's not really what you were asking. I guess it just raised a bit of a red flag when you mentioned wanting to protect your exclusive m-d relationship.

Amy
PancakeGoddess is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 04:14 PM
 
jkpmomtoboys's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: SF Bay Area
Posts: 1,184
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'll tell you when I knew I was done: When I saw a pregnant woman and said, "Thank goodness it's not me!"

Jen, former attorney and now SAHM to 11 yo ds and 8 yo ds

jkpmomtoboys is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 04:25 PM
 
UptownZoo's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: In the monkey cage...
Posts: 2,208
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
It IS hard. My DH had the big V just before Christmas (our youngest is almost 4), and I still feel a tug at my heart when I see a little baby. What I miss most is the newborn stage, and nursing at any age. I teach AP and slinging classes at a birth center about once every month or two, and I always know I'm going to come home a little sad from that, after being with all those tiny babies and nursing mamas.

You know, I think it's something that I just have to learn to live with, that little heartbreak I have every now and again. I try to focus on the positive. There are so many things we can do as a family now that we could never do with a baby/toddler in the family. It's true; it's a chapter closing in your life. But imagine the things you'll be able to do in a few years! Car trips are easier. We can play board and card games as a family. When my youngest gets a little older, I'll be able to sit under a tree and read a book when we go to the pool. I sleep all night long, almost every single night! It's hard to leave the mothering of babies behind, but mothering older kids is pretty great, too, and there are some things that are just harder to do with a little one along (movies, library, church).

And there a grandchildren to look forward to, too! I figure with four kids, it's pretty unlikely that I'll end up without ANY grandkids, right?

computergeek2.gif

UptownZoo is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 04:55 PM
 
Diane~Alena's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: planet earth
Posts: 365
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husband too had the big V but also my body is unable to carry the children we make safely to term. We have four children twin girls age 9 a son almost 6 and a baby girl 2.5 so our house isn't empty by any means. We had talked about adoption at great lengths when we found a little boy that we loved in the system. I feel streached to the limits though right now. I have two high needs kids and they take most of my time leaving what is left for the other two. Taking care of them and trying to keep the spark in my marriage is enough for me to deal with at 27. Money was also an issue, I want my kids to be able to take horse back riding lessons, swimming, and to be able to wear new shoes, thats hard enough with four children.

One day I may adopt more children, when my four don't need me so much and I have energy to give to another. I too dream of grandbabies, I know that will be wonderfull. Untill then I live through friends I take their babies when I have a few moments and love and cuddle them, I can hand them back so it's nice
Diane~Alena is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 07:01 PM
 
newmommy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,774
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I only have One Child, but after DS was born, I just knew in my heart my family was complete.
newmommy is offline  
Old 06-07-2006, 10:39 PM
 
ombra*luna's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Posts: 2,227
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I ran out of eggs.
ombra*luna is offline  
Old 06-08-2006, 05:58 AM
 
EllasMummy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2003
Location: UK
Posts: 470
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I have miserable pregnancies. With DS I had pelvic pain so bad I could barely walk. The whole way through my pregnancy with him I was so sure that when DS was born we would be done.

But, now he is 5 months old I feel very different. I am so not done. I really feel that there are 2 more children waiting to join our family.

I have a very special mother-daughter relationship with DD but I would love another daughter. My sister and I are very close and I would like DD to have a sister. My sisters DS is 12 weeks younger than my DS so I just know they are going to grow up to be buddies
EllasMummy is offline  
Old 06-09-2006, 02:31 AM
 
AngieB's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Northern California
Posts: 1,526
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'm dealing with the same thing right now. My head and common sense tell me I'm finished. But my heart says one more.
AngieB is offline  
Old 06-09-2006, 09:58 PM
 
boobear's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2002
Location: In the kitchen, garden and online.
Posts: 259
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
For me it was feeling old and tired. I adore babies and didn't mind being prego but I'm looking forward to all the things my girls will learn and experience as they grow.

Been quietly hanging around here for over 10 years.  

 

boobear is offline  
Old 06-09-2006, 11:41 PM
 
marybethorama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Location: Western MD
Posts: 3,376
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I thought I was done, I really did but then I held a newborn today.

Dh held her too and now we're starting to think maybe just one more.

I can pass by older babies as much as I love them but it's so hard to resist a newborn.
marybethorama is offline  
Old 06-11-2006, 02:05 AM
 
mamapajama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: The Emerald City
Posts: 643
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I guess I just feel too old and tired to go through the whole pregnancy, new baby stage again. I would love another baby, but I don't think I'll actually do it.

, mama to DS(7/)22/02) DS (8/14/04) , and an angel (3/10/10)nursing a broken heart...loving my boys.
mamapajama is offline  
Old 06-11-2006, 02:14 AM
 
geekmediainc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 424
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Honestly, I think that some women never feel truly done. Everytime we have decided to be "done" - I get pregnant. Here is our age spacing...

DD 6yo<---4years--->DD 2yo<---18mo--->DS<---12mo--->??? EDD 10/06

I have gone back and forth with our decision about 200 times a day (moderate exxageration), but my husband is going for a vasectomy on June 19th. Between our almost four children, our business, our patience level and homeschooling... I don't believe I can handle a fifth.

You need to look deep inside your heart and weigh all of the options. Until you are very sure that you can't handle another child in your life, I wouldn't suggest that you do anything permanent.

DH and I have talked about this about 100 times (no exxageration) and then some. He didn't want to have the vasectomy until this baby was born, but I have begged and pleaded with him to have it done. I haven't been successful at nursing due to raynauds syndrome and the likelihood is that I will keep on having baby after baby until something permanent is done.

Sorry for the novel. This is just so close to home right now.
geekmediainc is offline  
Old 06-11-2006, 02:17 AM
 
geekmediainc's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Massachusetts
Posts: 424
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally Posted by jkpmomtoboys
I'll tell you when I knew I was done: When I saw a pregnant woman and said, "Thank goodness it's not me!"
I have to non-jokingly agree with you here. I feel like I have been constantly pregnant for the last three years and I cannot wait to have this baby and know that my husband cannot place another baby inside of me.

I feel tired and drained while pregnant and I get a lot of headaches. The few weeks I had between my last two pregnancies, I felt like 10 million dollars... even without any sleep.

This is a good thread for me right now. So, thank you!
geekmediainc is offline  
Old 06-11-2006, 04:00 PM
 
Karry's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Arizona
Posts: 820
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh had a vasectomy last year. I still get those pangs of wanting to be pg and hold a newborn, but it'll never be. I'll probably always feel this way, and there isn't much I can do about it. I think of adoption sometimes, and I may eventually be able to convince dh to adopt someday. I can always hope can't I?
Karry is offline  
Old 06-11-2006, 05:26 PM
 
JennyClaire's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jun 2005
Posts: 581
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I always imagined I'd have three. I wonder if I programmed myself, because I currently have two (age 14 and 2) and want just one more.
: : :
I'm getting checked out Tuesday to make sure my pelvis and spine are healthy enough. After #3 I KNOW WITHOUT A SHADOW OF A DOUBT that I'll be DONE HAVING BABIES!!!!

I've always said that the best gift my parents ever gave me was my little sister (I was an only child until age 8), but some siblings aren't close at all, so I don't think that's necessarily the best argument for having another if you don't want one.

Jenny, reading & writing mama of dd(18), ds(6), and ds(3)
JennyClaire is offline  
Old 06-12-2006, 12:14 AM
 
siobhang's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2005
Location: Annandale, VA
Posts: 2,407
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
well, my situation is that I think I want a third (not 100% certain - maybe 75%?) but my dh is right now 100% convinced that we are DONE. He even had me schedule a vacestomy appointment for him but we cancelled it when I kinda freaked out at him.

Honestly I have fantasies of getting pregnant one last time, only this time with twins or something -

I don't know how this will resolve. it isn't an issue right now because ds2 is only 7 months old and I wouldn't want another one for several years.

I think part of my desire to have another baby is that I kinda feel like being pregnant and birthing babies is something I am pretty good at - now that I have had a little practice. ; )

You know the attributes for a great adult? Initiative, creativity, intellectual curiosity? They make for a helluva kid...
siobhang is offline  
Old 06-12-2006, 02:39 PM
 
nancy926's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: where we always need more bookcases
Posts: 2,457
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh, I'm so done. You just know you're done. I gave away all my maternity clothes and I revel in the thought of never being pregnant through another summer. I love my two kids so so so so so SO much (as DD1 says) but I do not want any more. I have thought once or twice about how it might be to have a little boy, but we don't and that's the way it is.

Yes, of course I already miss not having a little one around (my "baby" is now walking!). But I don't miss worrying about her health, or sleeping all the time, or constant diaper changes, or any of that. I think we forget the bad parts...I know I forgot about the completely messed-up sleep patterns that 9-month-olds have (or at least mine do!).

So...if you don't "feel" done, maybe you're not?

A writer/runner/thinker/wife with two daughters (11/02 and 8/05), one dog, three cats, seven fish, and a partridge in a pear tree... in Vermont.
nancy926 is offline  
Old 06-12-2006, 04:23 PM
 
Hazelnut's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2005
Posts: 3,225
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Oh I'm so conflicted about this.

I want one I think, but I don't know why. I thought I wanted a small family. We don't make a lot of money, our house is small, I get stressed out easily, my ds1 is such a handful, I'm 33...list could go on. I'd really like the peacefulness of a small family, and I feel like I'd be a more patient mom with just two and I'd get more time to myself and more time with each one, and we'd have more $ for the college fund of each.

I'm going nuts right now! Why do I want another when I have two? I don't know.

Maybe it's normal, because I do love them and am all into being the best mom I can be. But I worry that the quality of life would change, and that it wouldn't be best for me. I also worry that it's partly for the wrong reasons- maybe to "fix" any mistakes I've made so far, though the pregnancies and births and early days were pretty good. Maybe I want to relive the baby phase too much, since they're growing so fast...but will I be happy to have 3 when they're 8, 10 and 12? I have an IUD in, so getting pregnant by accident won't happen. I'm going to give it a couple years. I hate to be all practical, but if we're not in a bigger house (we're not talking a mcmansion here, but 3 kids in one small bedroom, I don't think so) and more financially well off by the time I'm 35, then I think No. And then just to complicate things, I also have two healthy boys, so I hate to mess with that. I don't know if I could handle it if I were to have a special needs child with #3. I'm trying not to think about it, and to just appreciate my sons right now. I feel like it's really important for me right now to appreciate each month of my baby's babyhood, instead of being sad that it's passing so quickly and wishing for another.
Hazelnut is offline  
Old 06-19-2006, 02:53 PM - Thread Starter
 
justmandy's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: In the fringe of society
Posts: 1,042
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Well, I'm glad to see I'm not alone in this tug of war between my heart and my head. I'm jelous of those of you who just know that you are done or will be at a certain number.

Yes, Lord willing, we are done. We had our babies young-I keep saying when I'm 45 my babies will be 25, 23 and 20. We will be financially secure in about a year and a half (thank you Dave Ramsey) Plus Dh is changing careers. : I also unschool and feel so blessed that I'll get so much more time with them then most of the moms we know. It's a good decision. I just feel like I'm out of this exclusive club I've been apart of for so long-and with so many of my freinds having babies around me, I feel like I'm missing out.

Mandy, Jesus loving, homebirthing, cloth diapering, baby wearing, breastfeeding, non-vaxing, food growing, homeschooling, hippy mama of 4.
justmandy is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off