"Older" DH--Whether to have more babies?? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 03-08-2003, 02:28 PM - Thread Starter
 
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We've got three kids now, ages 2,4, and 7. We planned on three, and the idea was for DH to have a vasectomy after the third one was born. However, I was surprised to find that I didn't feel as I had expected to feel after our 2yo came. Yes, I know that for some of us "that feeling" never goes away . I don't feel a DRIVING urge to go and have a fourth, but I would be open to it. DH, however, is concerned about his age. I, for the record, am 37. It wouldn't bother me a bit to become pregnant again at this age. But DH is 43, and he feels that he is too old to have another baby. He says that it wouldn't bother him right now, but what about when that baby is a teenager, or older? For what it's worth, we are both young at heart, very healthy and, at least on a good day, look young for our ages.

Anyway, we probably will stick with our three. But I just wanted to throw this question out there to see how others feel about an "older" father. There's a lot of talk about the age of the woman as regards childbearing, but relatively little about the man. I know that there is some evidence now that an older dad can theoretically contribute to genetic problems. I'm not really worried about that sort of thing. Anyone care to share related thoughts or experiences here?
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#2 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 10:52 AM
 
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I have four children. I was 26 w/#1 and I was 38 w#4. DH was 41 w/#1 and 53 w/#4. Our youngest is now 11, and DH is terminal. We have worked hard all of our lives, we have saved and invested, and now it is going to be put to the test. We have $ set aside for bar mitzvahs, college and paid off our home and car.

I am blessed in that with our youngest, I will not be alone, and that I have something to live for. All of our children were hb'd, bf'd, hs'd, and natural and attached parenting.

Life will go on. An older dh meant an older father for all of my dc's, so you need to consider the fact that he may or may not feel like flying kites or throwing a ball around w/ your children. He may have more patience in showing them how to mow a lawn or do carpentry or plant a garden.

It ultimately depends on the individual person.

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#3 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 12:18 PM
 
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2nd'ing a'j (and a to a'j, 2) ...

DH is 50yo (I'm 40) & we have 5&3&1yo children. We're paycheck2paycheck, and in 15 yrs we'll have teenagers, so he will not be retiring at 65.

We knew this going into the pregnancies, and honestly I'm not rushing for another one, but will do our best by our children. It's all anyone can do.

The only thing is I hope to be able to be an active & involved grandparent someday ... so gotta marry 'em off young :LOL
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#4 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 12:37 PM
 
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if he is 43. he will be 60 when the baby graduates.

61 isn't really all that old.

he will be 48 when the baby goes to kindergarten. that isn't so old either.

i dont think that is too old.

maybe you should take a look at some sixty year olds.


he would be very much alive and healthy when the child went to college. i dont see an issue.

id hate to see someone....say 80 having kids...as they might pass away before the child was an adult.

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#5 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 01:31 PM
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And he/she will have older siblings to play with if Dad isn't up to it!

For the record, my ds is almost 3, I'm 40 and dh is 46. We haven't decided if we are going to have another but dh dropped a hint just the other day....
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#6 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 02:03 PM
 
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Sixty is not old at all these days. Maybe what he means is that he'd like to have some older years without dependent children, be able to travel, fish, pursue hobbies, without the blessings and burdens of children in the house. Maybe he wants to have the kids in college and/or out of the house by retirement age. That's ok too.

I'm not going to tell you my husband's age. He has been a saint to go along with my childbearing desires.
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#7 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 02:17 PM
 
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its not too old

i'll be 38 when this baby comes and dh is 42 now. I have a 13yo from first marriage, we have a 30month old together and this one on the way.

we won't be retiring any time soon. lol

and i'm not sure we're done either.
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#8 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 03:15 PM
 
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My husband is 9 years older than I am. He's 43 now, and our son is 19 months old. We are definitely planning on having one more. I would like two more, but dh says we can't afford it. He's right, but I still want three!

I do think that's it's a very personal choice. One friend's (very rigid) husband declared that he would not father a child after he reached 37. He had been raised by an uninvolved older father. My friend didn't feel ready before he reached that magic number, so she isn't having a child.
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#9 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 05:19 PM
 
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I think it's *sooo* much more dependent on his level of involvement and participation with the children, preference in family activities, etc., than it is on age. I'm in my 40s now, and we don't really feel age is a deciding factor in how many more we're going to have.

I know a lot of people don't feel comfortable having children if they can't foresee certain financial arrangements, job security and so forth. To me, it's not about those situations -- which can all change in a heartbeat, anyway. To me, it's all about whether you want more people in your family or not! The rest will work itself out.
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#10 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 08:00 PM
 
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My parents were 26 when I was born (30 and 34 when my siblings were born) and by the time I was in 9th grade, both of my parents had passed away (ages 39 and 41). You just never know what life will bring. I agree that fathering a child when you are 70 is unfair to the child but you are hardly in that position.

My dh's parents were 43 and 54 when he was born - a surprise! His dad always said he just wanted to live to see him graduate from high school. He did that - and college too - and our wedding (dh was 25 then). He did not live to see his grandkids born but he knew we would have them. I think dh would say having older parents was good in some ways and bad in others.

Just a few thoughts on it. For me, I would want to be done having my kids by the time I was late 30s (due with baby #3 end of May and I'm 33, dh is 36). I am not sure we are done but maybe we are. #4 is a possibility I guess. We'll see in a few years...

Good luck making your decision!
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#11 of 17 Old 03-12-2003, 08:23 PM
 
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We are having the same problem here. Dh is 40, I am 23. We have 1boy and 1girl, and I still have this weird feeling that I want some more. Dh is not so sure. He says 2 is enough. He is the oldest of 10, and I am the youngest of 2. He had a big family growing up, but I had a tiny family. I am longing for a larger family, but there are days I would just go nuts with more. I am sure it will all work out for you in the end.
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#12 of 17 Old 03-14-2003, 11:40 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thank you for replying, everyone. And, applejuice, I am so sorry to hear about your dh. Peace and healing to you and familyl. As I said, we will most likely stick with our three children. But just in case we reach the point where we are seriously considering, I'll show this thread to DH. I think the root of his reservations could be traced back to one of his friends when he was a teenager who had a dad who was far older than the other dads. He said that this friend was sometimes ridiculed. Kids can be so mean, eh? I think that because, in general, people are having their chidren later now than they were back then, those with older parents are likely to be in good company.


Thanks again!
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#13 of 17 Old 03-15-2003, 12:08 PM
 
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I'm 42, Dh is 41, Dd is 18 months and we're talking about rolling the dice for another to arrive when she is about 3. I may be crazy, but I don't feel like my age is an issue, and we have no qualms about being older parents, or the oldest at graduations (if there are any - we be homeschooling, so the only graduation may be college, and of course by then we'll be doddering:LOL

Dh and I are often taken for our 20's, so other parents we meet expect we're just starting a family of several kids.

I'm a child of older parents. No one guessed - they were very active and youthful appearing. Most of the kids really liked my parents (even when they didn't like me). They were more mature than many of the other parents and had a certain grounded quality that drew the other kids. I guess I was always comfortable with the idea of being an older parent, because to me, my parents seemed parenty (a good thing), while many of the young parents of my friends reminded me of my older brother and sister.

I think it's all a matter of attitude.
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#14 of 17 Old 03-16-2003, 01:27 PM
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My dh is fourteen years older than me, and was 46 when we had number four. He is more youthful at fifty than many fathers in their thirties, he gets down on the floor at night to play blocks and cars, and can run with the best of them. He says it keeps him young, and when his freinds his age are talking about graduations and college, he is talking about Danny weaning and getting potty trained.

Even though Danny may not get to have his Dad in his life in late adulthood, he is getting a wonderful, patient Daddy now, one who has learned what is really important in life, and that, no matter how tired you may be, sometimes you gotta build just one more lincoln log house.

I agree, it is all in the attitude. Some young Daddy's can be alot more uptight than older.

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#15 of 17 Old 03-16-2003, 08:55 PM
 
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Well, I definately fit in here! I am 34 and dh is 53 and we just had our first -- she's 6mos. Whether or not to have a second is a big topic in our house right now. DH is so totally in love with dd. He's patient and loving and his priorities are no longer on work (he's well established), but on family (this is his first marriage and baby). I think that his age helps make him both a wonderful zenned-out highly participatory and attached husband and father. I know it has it's drawbacks in terms of 20 or 30 years from now (hopefully a long long time!) but what can ya do, really? He is who I love and dd is sooooo lucky to have such an incredable dad and I am so lucky, and we just need to live in the moments. The second child question is hard though -- energy and quality-of-life wise, you know? So I guess I'm kind of leaving it up to him. I told him I'd like a second, but I'm not gonna push it, cuz I want him to decide what he wants. Anyway, rambling here. Good to know we are not the only ones out there with this issue!
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#16 of 17 Old 03-17-2003, 02:13 AM
 
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My dh has similar concerns, he is soon to be 46 and I'm almost 39. He had a much older father and is concerned that either he won't be alive to raise his child (he has heart disease and has already had bypass surgery) or that he won't be able to do the things he wants with the child. But we can't forsee the future. On the other hand we have a teenager, so the empty nest isn't too far away. torn here too.
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#17 of 17 Old 03-17-2003, 09:49 PM
 
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You can die at any age.

The problem comes w/ an older person who may not have the stamina but does have the patience and experience to raise a child properly.

The younger you are, the higher the possibility of dying from an accident. When you are older, the chances are higher that you will acquire a chronic illness and die.

There are no guarantees in life.

Make the decision that YOU can live with.
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