Last year ds (at the time the only grandchild) was to celebrate his first birthday in May. SIL announced she was pregnant the previous November, due in August. MIL and FIL had a trip planned to Europe about 2 months after SIL's baby would be born. So they decided that they had to change their plans (I don't personally see why, but whatever), and the only other time they could go apparently was over ds's birthday. So they missed their only grandchild's first birthday, and never celebrated when they returned. I think they bought him some clothes. I was pretty hurt at the time.
So now SIL's baby is turning one this August. And MIL and FIL are going to be throwing the first birthday party. I am just so offended that not only did they choose to miss ds's first birthday so as to be here 2 months after SIL's baby's birth, but now they are going to throw a party for her baby.
We are all a close family, live in the area, and see each other often. I know in my heart that there is no favortism going on, that it is just circumstantial, but it still hurts me. Even though ds won't have any memory of it, it feels like SIL's baby is more special. For ds's first birthday we ended up just having dinner at my house and my mom and sister came over. No party, no big presents, no big deal. But SIL will have the big party at the big fancy house with all the trimmings.
Like I said, I know this is totally petty. Waah waah for me. But why does this bug me so much? It makes me not want to attend the party! I hang my head in shame at the pettiness of this.
I think maybe your DH should say something to them. Just mention to them that it's odd that they missed your child's b'day but are actually throwing the other party.
I'd be hurt too!
I think having dh mention it would be a good idea - if you can get your dh to mention it, that is. We have a slightly similar problem with my in-laws (only it isn't another baby...it's their f*&^%$ holiday home!), but I can't get my dh to say a word about it...
I just try not to let things bother me, although that's easier said than done. Could your dh suggest that the in-laws do something special with you for your ds's second birthday?
If she is thier daughter that may have something to do with it. Studies show that in developing soiceties, the involvment of maternal grandmothers has a direct infludence on the survival rate of babies, but there is no measurable effect by paternal grandmothers.
So (based on that study, which may or may not translate into grandmother issues in the "developed" world) there may be a tendency for grandmothers to be closer to thier daughter's children than their son's children.
I understand and would be hurt too....
I am so sorry about the il's actions....I hope it is not intentional on their part...I wish they could see what you see though and at least try to be more thoughtful.....
hang in there.....
for your little one
Free To Be~
"Living is learning and when kids are living fully and energetically and happily they are learning a lot, even if we don't always know what it is."
I agree that if your Dh can find a relaxed way to broach the subject it may be for the best. Sure, it is circumstancial, and fortunatly none of the kids involved is old enough to realise right now, but that kind of behavior, if it continues, sends a really hurtful message and I think you are right to be aware of it. At the same time, your SIL and her babe are not responsible for M&FIL's behavior, so of course you should go to the party, coo over your niece/nephew, etc.
ANYHOO - I think once someone has said something, then things will be really weird afterwards, you'd always feel that they were only doing something because someone said something.
I chose to simply ignore what happened to us, and to go on, if the people involved were not interested - then so be it.
Good luck and I'm so sorry!
I don't know if I want to say something or not. I think I'll play it by ear and see how the conversations go.
Their love and devotion to ds is not in doubt - they adore him. But it does seem like the little things seem to favor my neice - more pictures up in their house, the whole birthday thing, etc.
The hardest part for me is doing what Kama'aina Mama mentioned - going to the party and not taking it out on my SIL and neice. Just another way in which being a mom has forced me to grow up.
And yes I do think it makes a big difference that that is her dd's baby. i can't explain it but it just seems natural - unfair though.
The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it. We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.
personally, i wouldn't have wanted my mil or even my own mother planning dd's first b-day. we didn't do anything too big, either, but it was mama and daddy's day to celebrate our li'l tyke. due to difficult circumstances this year (my dad in the hospital) we didn't have a big celebration for number 2, so number 3 might have to be the biggest, yet!
"All you fascists are bound to lose" — Woody Guthrie
When she said (flippantly) to me "well, she won't know the difference since she's so young" I said, "that's true. Until she sees the pictures one day."
She is coming to dd's 3rd birthday but almost didn't...DH finally told her off so she is gracing us with her presence.
I personally couldn't care less if she is there but I don't want my DD to feel slighted either.
My father and step-mon never come see the kids (they live 10 miles away) and then they wonder why my little one screams when they try to hold her. She doesn't know them.
Thanks for letting me vent.
my father and step mother sent a check for 15.00 for his first birthday.
when my son was born my father gave me a check for ninety dollars. No crib, stroller, car seat offer...nothing. that was it. He has no sense how to behave properly. And when my step mother had her grandchildren..they somehow seemed to get it together.
And yes, my father has money.
If you think it stinks when Inlaws show favortism....let me tell you how lame it is when your own parents cant' get it together and find a generous bone in their entire body.
I've cut back on my contact with the whole lot. My father still hasn't driven the 30 miles to see my son in over a year.
In my case my inlaws are nothing but generous and loving. Thank god my ds has them!