Had first criticism of parenting style - Mothering Forums

Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
Old 03-13-2003, 03:27 PM - Thread Starter
 
famousmockngbrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: home
Posts: 6,671
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
We went to visit my family in Boston last week. Overall it went better than I expected, but my uncle thinks we are completely spoiling Cole. First, we were sitting at the dining room table eating dinner and Cole was on a blanket on the living room floor - I could see him because it's really one big L-shaped room. He started to cry, so I went and picked him up and sat him on my lap for the rest of the meal. My uncle was like, "Leave him alone - you pick him up too much. Let him cry, a little crying is good for him." : I told him that usually I eat sitting on the floor next to him, and he thought that was the most ludicrous thing he'd ever heard. For the rest of the trip, I just sat Cole on my lap while we ate and my uncle kept rolling his eyes and giving me disapproving glares.:

THEN, we had borrowed a pack-n-play from some friends up there for Cole to sleep in. I had my doubts that he would actually go to sleep in it but we gave it a shot. He woke up crying in the middle of the night, I think because we were in a strange place and he couldn't see us. So the next night (and the rest of the time we were there) I took the pad out of the crib and put it on the floor and I slept next to him in a sleeping bag. Worked like a charm. My uncle was like, "JEEZ, what next??" He thinks Cole is manipulating us - his exact words were "He (Cole) says 'jump' and you all ask 'how high'?" I was like, "He's 4 months old, he isn't capable of manipulating us. When he cries it's because he has a need that has to be met, even if that need is just 'I want company'!" To which my uncle replied, "You read too many books.": I told him when he had more kids of his own he could raise them however he wants, which my DH thought was pretty funny but made my uncle pretty PO'ed. Oh well.

Thanks for reading- I guess I just wanted to vent -
famousmockngbrd is offline  
Sponsored Links
Advertisement
 
Old 03-13-2003, 03:52 PM
 
mamacrab's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: neither here nor there
Posts: 627
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
your uncle is completely WRONG, not to mention unbelievably RUDE!! what makes him think he gets a vote in your parenting issues?!

I say GOOD FOR YOU, MAMA! for protecting your baby, for following your heart, for sticking to your guns. I am really impressed. Your baby is so lucky to have such a strong and loving mama!



Oh, and since when is reading books a *bad* thing?? :
mamacrab is offline  
Old 03-13-2003, 04:49 PM
 
laralou's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: little house in the suburbs
Posts: 4,818
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My dh is swayed by criticism like this, and my answer is that when the girls are old enough to get what they need themselves, then I don't have to respond to every request. When they can crawl or walk, I don't have to carry them everywhere. When they can prepare their own food, I don't have to respond to every request for food. Etc.

Here is what I would say to your uncle: This is a helpless creature, much like you will be when you are too old to care for yourself. How will you wish to be treated then? Will you want your cries for food, discomfort and loneliness to be ignored? Don't ever tell me to treat my child in a way that would be considered inhumane if I treated you the same way as an elderly old man.

A nursing home will get shut down by the state if they treat helpless elderly people the way we are expected to treat infants. Are we spoiling the elderly? Why do infants get the shaft in our society? Frankly, they are a hell of a lot cuter than most old people, so I just don't get it.
laralou is offline  
Old 03-13-2003, 05:21 PM
 
Dana's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Stillwater
Posts: 187
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just wanted to say that I, too, read too many books and still often ask dd 'how high' when she says 'jump'

Sometimes it helps me to remind the more callous types that noone on their deathbed evey wished that they'd held their babies less!!!

When I'm feeling especially annoyed, I actually start quoting studies from books I've read about stuff. It doesn't take much of that for the other person to back off.
Dana is offline  
Old 03-13-2003, 07:06 PM - Thread Starter
 
famousmockngbrd's Avatar
 
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: home
Posts: 6,671
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
[QUOTE]Originally posted by laralou


Here is what I would say to your uncle: This is a helpless creature, much like you will be when you are too old to care for yourself. How will you wish to be treated then? Will you want your cries for food, discomfort and loneliness to be ignored? Don't ever tell me to treat my child in a way that would be considered inhumane if I treated you the same way as an elderly old man.


ITA!! In fact, I said the same thing to my uncle: "If you were crying, would you want everyone around you to ignore you? I would pat you on the back and ask you what's wrong." My uncle (jokingly) said that people always ignore him when he's crying. Maybe that's why he's the way he is!

Thanks for the supportive posts - it's nice to be able to come here and not be told to "let him cry" or "he needs to learn independence". Um, no he doesn't!! How can someone who can't even sit up by himself be independent??
famousmockngbrd is offline  
Old 03-13-2003, 07:42 PM
 
LunaMom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: orbiting the earth
Posts: 2,380
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Expect a lot of comments from people of your uncle's generation. I know that may be an unfair generalization, but most of them raised their children according to the "let them cry, it's good for them" philosophy.

I don't think you can change people's minds, and you'll just get yourself all upset listening to their responses to your explanations. I'm a firm believer in the short, dismissive reply and the refusal to engage in any further discussion. Because, you know, these people WANT you to argue with them! Don't give 'em what they want!

I have to say, whenever I hear someone say, "Oh, let him cry, it's good for him," it just blows my mind to imagine a person sitting a few feet away from an infant who is crying on the floor or in a highchair or whatever and just DOING NOTHING!!! I mean, I can't even imagine it, just going on eating my meal while the baby is wailing - what is WRONG with people???

Love the old man analogy!
LunaMom is offline  
Old 03-14-2003, 03:19 AM
 
Pigpen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: you're soaking in it
Posts: 1,781
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Laralou, (I've been wanting to use that new emoticon!) That's just about the best response I've heard of, if you're actually talking to a reasonable person!
Lunamom, I agree with you about the short, dismissive reply too, some people just want to argue...

DS 12 DS 9 DD 6
Pigpen is offline  
Old 03-14-2003, 02:17 PM
 
Hannah's Mom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 487
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally posted by laralou
Here is what I would say to your uncle: This is a helpless creature, much like you will be when you are too old to care for yourself. How will you wish to be treated then? Will you want your cries for food, discomfort and loneliness to be ignored? Don't ever tell me to treat my child in a way that would be considered inhumane if I treated you the same way as an elderly old man.

A nursing home will get shut down by the state if they treat helpless elderly people the way we are expected to treat infants. Are we spoiling the elderly? Why do infants get the shaft in our society? Frankly, they are a hell of a lot cuter than most old people, so I just don't get it.
Amen, laralou! Is it ok if I borrow that when my mom comes to visit in a few weeks?
Hannah's Mom is offline  
Old 03-14-2003, 02:25 PM
 
Evergreen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Where all the women are strong
Posts: 5,295
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Just for the record you sound like and excellent mama to me!

Evergreen- Loving my girls Dylan dust.gifage8, Ava energy.gifage 4 and baby Georgia baby.gif (6/3/11).

Evergreen is offline  
Old 03-15-2003, 02:13 AM
 
buttercup's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: Florida
Posts: 569
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I completely agree w/ Lunamom about the older generation using the CIO method. My in-laws constantly TELL/ ORDER DH to put dd in the crib and leave her there to cry. Now, there is nothing wrong w/ the method, but to criticize our parenting skills because we do not listen to them makes me upset.

No. 1 RULE - Never tell another parent how to raise their child. Even if that parent is a relative. You may not agree w/ the parent's method, but they know their child better that you do (unless the parents are deadbeats)

Just this morning, MIL told DH to let her CIO. DD is a good baby and generally cries if there is something wrong. She is teething and it looks like a tooth is coming out so she is requiring a little more attn since she is uncomfortable. But, MIL didn't ask if there was anything else wrong w/ her.

Sorry, I just had to vent too. Sorry famousmockingbird about your visit w/ relatives. Stuff like that can put a damper on your visits. Your a great mommy Just hang tough!

Jenni and Helon
buttercup is offline  
Old 03-15-2003, 06:13 AM
 
sadie_sabot's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: dystopia
Posts: 4,627
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally posted by famousmockngbrd
How can someone who can't even sit up by himself be independent?? [/B]
sadie_sabot is offline  
 
User Tag List

Thread Tools


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off