MOVING!!! - will have to battle family's anti AP views - need advice!!! - Mothering Forums

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Old 03-15-2003, 03:10 AM
 
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So dh got a work transfer back to the city he comes from...whiiich..is great of course...but also means too many people barging in and negatively commenting on our AP.

I already know that his family looks at me weird, because I decided to put off my medical career to stay wit Jordy at home.
I talked to dh's brother on the phone tonight and he was asking about Jordy, so I told him about AP and we spent good 20 minutes discussing it, him of course being convinced that we are making a big mistake by sleeping with Jordan and tending to all her needs.

Ladies,I need all the tips and advice how to battle their "you're-doing-it-wrong" attacks.

It's not going to change me, I'm just afraid dh might start opposing when he gets so much pressure from his family and friends.
It took me a while to convince him that what we're doing is good for Jordy.
We sort of compromised and in order for me to get it my way, I had to promise him...not to use cloth diapers...Well, small price to pay for all the bliss of having this little sweet body of Jordy in bed with me!!!

I count on you!!!
Mags
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Old 03-15-2003, 05:00 AM
 
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I would simply not give your dh's family the opportunity to criticize your parenting style. We (my dh, dd and me) certainly live very differently and have very different political views than my conservative , flag-waving parents. While giving them information about ap is great-most people usually have already made up their minds about what they feel is the proper way to parent. If they are asking about how your daughter is-I would tell them about her development and leave it at that. The results of your sensitivity to her needs will speak for itself. If you and your dh work together as a team (and teams do not always agree) with regard to parenting decisions then I would not worry about his family's influences.

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Old 03-15-2003, 05:09 AM
 
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draw your line in the sand and dont let anyone cross it.

you dont have to defend yourself, you havent done anything wrong.
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Old 03-15-2003, 05:15 AM
 
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a pyschologist once told me that "AP used to be the NORM pre war world II. It was after that the concept of baby on the other end of the house started. I don't understand this AP being abnormal or new." ( hmm wonder how his kids were raised LOL)

Talk to your dh. Tell him your concerns about them turning and WHY you are concerned that they will get to him. have they done it before-changed his mind on something important? etc etc

One response to you are doing wrong it is "it works for us"
and for the really ugly ones " you had your chance to raise your child now it is our turn to raise our child how we see fit"

I have three ap kids and one who was not AP when little -I spent years trying to undo all the damage I did
When he was about 11 he said to me "you know why I used to not come to you much? When I was little and cried you often weren't there for me..." if that isn't a reason to NOT CIO and use the crib playpen ALL The time and use daycare when you don't have to....( I did and understand others do so please don't flame me just talking about my personal experience here)

This is your and dh's child and the two of you need to be prepared to deal with this as a united front to effectively deal with them and turn deaf ears to the hurtful comments
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Old 03-15-2003, 05:35 AM
 
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I'm in exactly the same situation, with a move in 2 months to a country (Holland) where ap is virtually unheard of.

I'm going to try to set strict boundaries, and if they keep crossing them, to just ask them if they would like me to stoop to the same level and criticize their approaches to parenting. And to back it up with research.

So, now we have found each other. Together we can fight our way through it when it happens, right? Shall we become support buddies?
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Old 03-16-2003, 02:51 AM
 
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I wouldn't go into it trying to explain it or convince them if they already have their minds made up. I agree that just responding with all the great things in her development. If they ask specifics (how long do you plan to nurse) etc, I'd offer research based answers. If they get pushy I'd tell them that's it's so great we all get to raise our own kids our own way. If they kept at it, I'd avoid them and let them know why. Good luck and think positive. You are doing your best! You never know, you might surprise everyone and convert some of them just by having great kids!
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Old 03-16-2003, 02:58 AM
 
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I, too, will be moving back "home" at the end of June. I feel lucky, though, that my son is 2.5 years old. It has given my parents that much longer to get used to the fact that I have chosen my parenting style, I've stuck with it, and my son is a great human being probably in part due to the parenting choices I've made. In other words, they've seen the results over the two and a half years, and they've stopped questioning, among other things, my decisions to co sleep and practice extended breastfeeding. In the earlier days, I guess they still believed they could influence my choices, so they asked lots of questions and offered more "advice." I felt some pressure from them around the time that he turned a year old to wean and put him in his own bed for sleeping. Maybe they just think I'm a lost cause at this point! But for whatever the reason, they've stopped bugging me. So, my suggestion is to just keep doing what you're doing, don't feel like you need to justify or even discuss your parenting decisions and style, and before long, it hopefully won't be an issue any more.
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