How do you KEEP YOUR COOL when all you wanna do is scream? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

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#61 of 89 Old 04-06-2003, 12:32 AM
 
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Chicklet, are you sure you are not describing my four year old??? What is it with that age? Especilly girls. My 4 yo was never a difficult kid but now....oh boy. Either she is off in her own world and tunes me out or she out right refuses to do whatever I have asked her to do. And the back talk. I know we want them to be able to express them selves but at what point does it become rude?
So here is my lastest problem.......example: I will ask her to open the drain and get out of the bath tub, after four times I will open the drian myself and start to lift her out of the tub. She will hop right back in the tub, plug the drain and then open the drain herself and get back out of the bathtub by herself. What is up with that? This happens with so many situations. She undoes what I have done and then does it herself.
Any comments??

Julianne
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#62 of 89 Old 04-06-2003, 12:33 AM
 
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The anger issue is one that I have been dealing with for a long time, too. I have been on Zoloft for nearly four years to help me deal with depression issues. We do not yell in our house, but I've been yelling at the dog and (ashamedly) my DD far too often. Sometimes even in her face , but usually from across the house when I'm trying to get something done and she's whining.

It came to a head during an Attachment Parenting session at my LLL conference last April. I was relating my concerns to a group when I broke down and cried. Actually, a lot of us in that room cried over the same thing. The group was being led by Barbara Nicholson and Lysa Parker, the co-founders of Attachment Parenting International. Barbara calmed us all by letting us know that our reactions were not uncommon to what she had seen many times before. As the child becomes the parent, long-buried problems start squelching back to the surface as you, in a sense, start to re-live your own childhood through your child.

Just know that you're not alone! I consider myself to be a devoted AP parent who adores my DD more than anything else on this planet, but that doesn't mean that I am perfect or have my own concerns that need to be addressed. Zoloft made a HUGE improvement in my marriage and outlook when I started taking it. But I've also looked to counselling therapy to supplement (a step that I've overlooked up to this point).

I think that our strongest, most intense emotions are reserved for the love of our children, but sometimes those strong emotions can swing the other way as well. My DD can absolutely enrage me at times...like no one else on earth. But I keep reminding myself to not check my emotions but try to let them out in the most productive way possible. Hugs to all my sisters in sympathy.

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#63 of 89 Old 04-07-2003, 12:58 PM
 
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Wow--you know it is funny, I always thought the natural mommas were the perfect and patient ones! I always felt like I wasn't quite good enough for the LLL and Mothering types because I tend to be a yeller! THANKS LADIES! I feel better reading all this!

One thing I have noticed is my kids either get bored or tired. I have 2 boys 2 and 3. If we are sitting at home for days doing nothing out of the house, they are bored and need to get out--this helps us all because they only want to veg in front of the TV if they are home or else they are DESTROYING something. But when I have them overscheduled they get so worn out they act like hellions and I turn into "angry mom". Today we are having "stay home day". Sometimes we have "pajayma day" were we refuse to get dressed all day. I find this kind of resets their clocks. And mine. But BALANCE IS KEY for me! Ifind they look forward to it and actually ask "when is stay home day?"

I also draw a disctinction between yelling and raising your voice. I too feel my boys don't even hear me unless I count 1,2.. or if I raise my voice or talk through my teeth to them! hee hee. But to me that is not yelling. That is getting attention. Yeling and screaming at them is a no no, but I'll admit I have fallen a few times. Mostly before my DH stopped working 12 hr days leaving me a single parent. Life is much smoother now and my very, ahem, VERY active boys can wrestle with daddy or something on the days it is too yucky to get much exercise outside.

When I was a kid, we had a partially unfinished basement that my mom would send us to to wreak havoc while she undoubtedly cleaned up the messes we had made upstairs. I can remember roller skating down there with my brothers forever to release the energy. I think I may need to look for this in the next house we buy!

Blessings to you all who try SO HARD! I have to believe in the end that is what will teach them more than the "moments" we have!
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#64 of 89 Old 04-07-2003, 01:28 PM
 
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I will even put in The Wiggles DVD and park her in front of it sometimes...and feel badly about that).

DON"T beat yourself up!

When my 1st son was born we moved 3 hours away from the nearest friend or family. We lived in hotel room for the first 3 months of his life. I understand stress! There were days I put on baby Bach or whatever video I had just so I could sit across the room and not be touched! Sometimes I cried. To this day, I let them watch a video while I shower because it is the only thing they will hold still for. Just because TV is modern doesn't mean it is the devil. (that's what I thought before I was a parent!)

My boys loved the Wiggles when they were younger and we found ourselves singing and dancing right along with them. Although I never seem to get time to do aerobics, dancing along with the Wiggles sure burns some fat! And kids energy! We even took a family trip to see them live.

My point is...we are all human. We do what we have to do to survive. Had I not had a few outlets like stroller walks and TV, I am not sure what I would have done. Especially when I was in PPD and really having crazy thoughts in my mind--and a hubby who was gone 12-14 hours each day and NEVER heard the baby cry when he WAS there. I sling and sing when I can, but when I can't mentally get there, I am sure glad for neighbors (now) and TV and books on tape and the wind blowing in the trees and long drives with the Munchkins strapped into the carseat....you get the point!

I wish you well!
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#65 of 89 Old 04-07-2003, 01:30 PM
 
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Originally posted by chie96 I will even put in The Wiggles DVD and park her in front of it sometimes...and feel badly about that). [/B]
Sorry--that was supposed to be a quote!
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#66 of 89 Old 04-07-2003, 09:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow! I'm so glad that there have been SO many responses-honest ones-to my initial thread. I have this theory that PPD (although I realize it is often chemically-based) and general mothering stress would not be so damn rampant if we had COMMUNITIES again. Real communities where mothers could share there day-to-day stresses and upsets and even get some child care here and there. I think many of us are now parenting in isolation. I know I live in a neighborhood where there are few little kids and even fewer SAHMs. If it weren't for ACTIVELY looking for activities with other moms (LLL, playgroups, gym-type classes, etc) there would be no one around me who I could relate to.

Well, I'll get off my soapbox now. My DS is becoming such a challenge so fast. He is such a spirited little soul and is WAY mature for his age. He is the same size as a lot of two year olds and is behaving in many ways like he's that age. It is hard b/c he is only 15 mos and cannot reason why certain behavior is wrong/inappropriate, etc. That's my biggest challenge lately. Dealing with his maturity level and remembering how young he really is.

Anyway, this morning I let out a "GD!" b/c DS was going limp while I was trying to lift him to his changing table (standing or the floor won't usually work). I apologized to him, but I really wanted to keep saying "GD!GD!" really, really loud. He has also been BITING me like crazy b/c he's teething. Some days that alone could put me over the edge.

What a learning experience this is for all of us. I will try to remember all of your words the next time DS is going nuts and I just want to leave town!
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#67 of 89 Old 04-08-2003, 12:32 AM
 
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I know, it is so hard to believe that SAHM can cooperate with WOHM, but if people look beyong lables, it is possibale to find a COMMUNITY. My good neigbours are SAHMS and I am a WOHM. we excahnge babysitting, food and barter many things. we look at each other as people. People with diffrent paths but same goals. Essentially, eveyone, the friend the enemy and the stanger want the same thing.... to be happy. People do not have to be the same to help each other to relive the parenting stress. My MIL is a republican and very different form me in many ways, but I go to know her and her sad childhood, and yes, in her house my kids exposed to some values that are differnet from mine..... I do not care, it beats the insane asulumn. we have interesting disscussion for dinner
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#68 of 89 Old 04-08-2003, 01:04 AM
 
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I'm learning to scream and cry! I just started learning to do re-evaluative counseling, or co-counseling, and it is helping me release pain and "stuckness" from my childhood which was getting in my way of being a grounded Mama. There's lots of info on the internet about it.
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#69 of 89 Old 04-08-2003, 09:18 AM
 
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Last night was a tough one. DD pooped at 2 a.m. so I had to get up to change her diaper. I was very careful to be quiet and gentle so as not to wake her up and get her all stimulated in the middle of the night. We got back into bed and she wouldn't sleep so I nursed her which she was happy about. But not happy enough to SLEEP. I sang, I bounced, I rocked, I walked... no sleeping! She burped a couple of times and I thought "ahhhh, NOW she'll sleep". Nope. I was sitting in bed bouncing her in my arms and she decided that she would methodically, one by one, pull out my hair. Okay, then her arms are flailing because I grab her hand to stop her from making me bald and she smacks me in the face... Have I mentioned that dh is out of town for 2 weeks? Because normally this would've been a case for him. So, long story short... she FINALLY fell asleep at 4 a.m. and I still have a few strands of hair left. Thank God for this board and some of the books I've read. I think someone here posted "try to remember that your baby isn't awake to make you mad, that something is wrong"... I just kept thinking about that... and luckily some of the songs I sing to her have good words that make me think better thoughts. Like "you are my sunshine" because even in the middle of the night when I just want to put her out in the yard so I can sleep... she still is my sunshine. AUGHHH...
So I'm at work now. No time for a nap.
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#70 of 89 Old 04-08-2003, 11:57 AM
 
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There must have been something going on in the "universe" yesterday, cause I too really, really lost my cool!

Dd has been sick, but was feeling better (or so I thought) yesterday, so we went to town to get groceries. No problems there, the problem was on the drive home....she whinned that awful awful whine all the way (45min drive: )....I finally just lost it and yelled at her with some not so nice words, then I just lost it and cried and cried and yelled at myself for being such a bitch...etc....you know the talk right??? .....

She fell asleep during my rant to myself....and looking at her in the rearview mirror, she looked so peaceful, that I couldn't stop crying for yelling at her. She was still sleeping when I got home, so I laid it out to dh.....he was a good listener atleast, but didnt say much except "everyone yells at there kids, I'm sure she forgot about it already".....then I thought of all of you....and that helped ....in my rant I asked for my inner voice to speak a little louder next time I am loosing my cool.....

Needless to say, we had a wonderful night last night....cuddled and today is looking like a good day too....I really feel better after my cry and rant, I just wish I handled it differently kwim?? Today though, when she whines, I've been telling her "mommy doesn't understand your whinny voice, talk nicely so I can understand"....and then I leave it at that....I use to continually say stop whinning over and over until I finally lost it (especially when she's in a whinny mood: ).....

I totally agree that alot of the problems are lack of help....I have made a great friend the last year, but all our family are far away, so no help there. Not to mention that the snow/cold was back this week, so that didn't help! Dh works 12 hour shifts...so he's gone 14 hours with the commute....and this past two weeks he's been on nights, so he sleeps when he's home....it sucks! I'm definately going to take advantage of the sun today though....and when dh is off this weekend too!

Jen
p.s. Thanks for listening! And thanks again for this post Bearsmama!
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#71 of 89 Old 09-12-2003, 02:29 PM
 
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Thought this could use a "bump".

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#72 of 89 Old 09-13-2003, 12:48 AM
 
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OMG thank you thank you thank you. I needed to see this thread today, as I had a bad mom day. My 4 1/2 year old knows how to push my buttons so well, and today he was so dead on balls accurate. it's funny reading through this, because every one was saying they wish their 4 year old would just get dressed! I was just talking to dh about this tonight, wondering if it was normal for our 4 yr old ds to hve to be told to get dressed 17 million times. it sounds like it is, as you are all saying it. geeze, i'm right there with you, all of you. The only other thing i can add is that when i do loose it and yell, i always talk about it after, and I apologize, and we work it out. i think it id the respectful thing to do
good luck to everyone, and thanks for the laughs!
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#73 of 89 Old 09-14-2003, 06:14 PM
 
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bs"d

I think I'm having one of those days...

Dd goes from breast to breast once every 5 seconds. I guess neither is what she really wanted. She cries and screams if I won't let her switch. She wants to use the computer. She keeps climbing on the table and the computer desk. If I take her off she cries. She is mad that I won't let her play with the phone (she called 911 earlier today). She is only 14 months old. I am scared of two on days like this.
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#74 of 89 Old 09-15-2003, 12:15 AM
 
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Wow, I am so glad I found this thread! It has been such a long time since I have come across such honesty. I feel so comforted knowing that other good mamas also feel like I do. That no matter how much we adore our babes there is a very real and scary feeling of desperation that comes up too. I hear people talk around the anger they feel toward their kids but few will admit that they really feel rage. I have yelled, screamed, pounded my fist into the wall and slammed doors so hard that paint chips come flying off! I have locked myself in the bathroom so that I could scream without interruption. My strategies for dealing with those feelings are:
-leave the room after explaining that Ï am so angry right now that I am leaving so that I can calm myself down"
-get all of us out of the house as soon as possible (we all seem to feel so much better as soon as we get outside!)
-call dh or another adult on the phone so that I can listen to a grown up ( I have literally called dh at work and demanded that he "just talk")
-make myself a cup of tea (its hard to be angry with a mug of hot liquid in my hand!)"

I would love to hear some more ideas!
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#75 of 89 Old 09-24-2003, 02:15 AM
 
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Oh this is such a good thread. I have come back to it now and then, and I am glad it is here. Today I really needed to read it. It has been a tough month for us, we moved to a new community, a small one, where we know no one, no family, no friends...what were we thinking??? I always think I can be so self-sufficent and independent and then I realize, yeah, it would be really nice to have someone around to talk to, to just relax with and have a cup of tea with. My dh is gone from 6am to 8pm and some nights a week. I am very alone, and starting to feel quite depressed.
My 28 mo dd is an angel, and I am blessed by her sweet nature, but she is feeling my stress too, and she misses her dad. I am having days where it is a struggle not to yell, not to want to just put that video on and go have a two hour bath. I don't put the video on, but I do yell at times, and it is at these times that I feel like I have really screwed up, that I have damaged our relationship permanently because I lost my cool for a moment. And I don't know what to do about feeling this way.When I get upset and then see my baby's face and see her get upset b/c I just couldn't keep it together it just sends me into remorse. And I feel horrible for days. And I feel that she lost trust in me for that moment and that kills me. And I am afraid I can't get that back, that little piece of trust that goes everytime that happens. All I can think of is how to make it up to her, how to convince her for the next twenty years that I love and adore her.

And it also drives me crazy how I can see that my anger or frustration or impatience brings out in me the way I was raised, which was not too pleasant, and I hate that I am letting that get the better of me. But then I come here, and I feel better, still guilty, but better, just knowing that I am not alone. Thank you all you wonderful women.
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#76 of 89 Old 09-26-2003, 10:33 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi EVERYONE!!!

Wow! I'm so relieved and happy that this thread was resurrected. I haven't been on the boards in literally months (computer trouble, a move, etc). I've missed it soooo much.

When I first wrote this thread it was WAY back in March. I can't believe that 6 months have passed. When I started this thread, I was in the first stages of dealing with my baby having turned into a real little human with LOTS of emotions and frustrations AND a mind of his own. It was quite a rude awakening for me. His personality really blossomed early and I don't think that I was prepared for the path that we were heading down so soon.

Anyway, the ONLY thing that's changed for me in terms of my feelings of frustration and anger is that I now KNOW what my patterns and his patterns are. I know his triggers as well as mine (lack of sleep, hunger, having a low self esteem day, etc). I would say that these 'bad' days happen less and less now. Although tonight I completely bit the heads of both DH and DS b/c I was trying to make the bed and DS just couldn't stay off of it. Is that stupid or what???

So, I really like that this thread is still here. It makes me feel NOT alone. This would be a great place to continue to vent. It's really helpful.

Oh, and bellasmum, I could have written your post. The trust thing kills me. Seeing my boy's little face looking at me after I've freaked out or stormed off. He's like "what the hell is happening??" I don't know what to say about it other than I'm out here, too. Love and HUGS to all of you..........................
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#77 of 89 Old 09-26-2003, 11:43 PM
 
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So, about the video thing. Is it really such a bad thing to let your kids be entertained for a bit by something other than you when you really need a break. I honestly used to be one of those people who vowed never to let my kids be "babysat"by TV or videos. When I'm about to lose it, though, I'll admit I do sometimes turn on Treehouse TV or pop in a video. I feel like my kids are better off watching the dreaded blue box than being screamed at. If I can buy myself 30 minutes (or more) of relative peace to make a cup of tea or read or leaf through a magazine (or write posts on MDC) then I can breathe and decide on a plan for when the video is over. I know its not great parenting, and I do feel guilty about it, but the longer I am a parent the more I've had to question the things I once held to be absolutes. Yes, sometimes I choose to do what's easiest. My children have consumed food that is not organic, they have worn disposable diapers and they have (gasp) watched TV. They do not do these things all the time but they do do them. I really feel like we mama's have to give ourselves a break sometimes. We're all doing the very best job we can. We all seem to realize the need to allow our children to grow and change their minds and make mistakes. When will we start to allow ourselves the same?
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#78 of 89 Old 09-27-2003, 12:23 AM
 
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Thank You Thank You Thank You.......
I'm also really glad to have found this thread. I thought that I was the only one who did this yelling/snapping/angry thing. Dd is almost five, but I swear I spent most of her 4th year saying, "will you PLEASE get DRESSED"!!!!!!! Last week ds was obsessed with electricity--plugging and unplugging everything in sight--baby proofing does not work with him (34mos)--turning on the vacuum (I did tell him that next time I would do it with him, maybe he'll like it and do it all the time ), climbing up and turning on the TV; putting 2 or 3 discs into the CD drive on the computer. Some weeks I feel like all I do is nag and yell and give time outs(for me as much as them). We all went out to a lighthouse on an island nearby with another family last Sunday, and we generally had a good time, but I ended up yelling a both dd and ds for not listening/cooperating and that part of the day ended badly. Every one was in bed by 6:45 that night. Well, not the adults, but It was a relief to get back to work the next day.
Afterwards, I also try to talk with dd and I'm starting to talk with ds. I apoligise for my behavior, but I also try to remind them that when they cooperate (they actually do know what that word means) the day is much more fun for all of us.
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#79 of 89 Old 09-28-2003, 07:56 PM
 
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Oh, I'm so glad I'm not the only one who has THOSE days. Friday was one of those. The baby was fussy because he is teething, and my 3 year old was having one of those days when it seems like someone has given him a very large dose of speed and turned off his ability to hear my voice. I was running on little to no sleep because of the teething, daddy was at work until almost 9:00, and I was afraid I was gonna have to call my sister and beg her to come over and sit with the kids for a little while so I could run around the neighborhood screaming just to get it out. Luckily, my 3yo finally crashed for almost 2 hours, and the baby contented himself in the sling.

As far as the cursing goes, hubby and I have developed a code. "mmmKay..." is code for the f word, for instance. We also have hand signals that we use. It is almost as good as actually saying the word as long as you hear it in your head. Jarod has started saying "mmmmKay..." and it strikes me as funny, allthough no one outside of me and dh gets it.
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#80 of 89 Old 09-28-2003, 10:24 PM
 
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thanks for the bump on this thread - just what I needed today.....have BTDT with everything mentioned. Had a bit of a yell today - and ds promptly repeated just what I said ' DAMMIT!' so needless to say I feel pretty crappy Anger is a huge issue for me and I really need to go and see someone to work throught it.

Anyone know where I would find an AP friendly therapist/counsler? I would really like someone to talk to about all my issues, but not someone who is going to say "well just wean your baby (17 months) and make her CIO and start using punishments....ect...ect..."

Grace - photographer, wife and mom to 4 great kids (Ethan 5.00, Ainsley 4.02, Owen 12.04, and Ellis Ann 10.07) :
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#81 of 89 Old 10-14-2003, 04:15 AM
 
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#82 of 89 Old 10-15-2003, 02:11 AM
 
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Wow I am so thankful for your thread...my DD is turning 2 and my daily vocabulary is lets not...dont hit..dont push..get off the dog..please eat..lets not pee on the floor. I adore my babe my Dh gets home around 11;00pm from 2 jobs and I am a SAHM but go to school 3times a week...I really eel like I want to stand in the middle of my very small duplex in the middle of my 2 dogs and dear babe and pull All my hair out...well I will remember next time I feelthis way you all may b going through the same....GOOD LUCK AND MUCH LOVE
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#83 of 89 Old 10-15-2003, 04:26 AM
 
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:LOL

Wow, now this is a thread I can relate to ...

Sorry to tell you, spent DS#1's 4th year almost exclusively trying to get him dressed ... and the 5th year is now half-over and am still trying to get him dressed.

And every night go through his nonsense with rolling over DD at lights-out, and DD then proceeds to scream/cry, and he then insists on either (A) trying to push her out of wherever she was laying, or (B) whining that he wants to sleep where she is, or (C) singing in a really really really loud voice ... (yeah, maybe he's done with the family bed, huh?)

Try to on-the-spot meditate; sometimes it works. Then again, sometimes not.

Have (ashamed to admit) occasionally stormed into the bathroom and used a few bathroom-appropriate words in what I hoped was a low voice ...

Remember, mamas, they'll someday be teenagers.

G-d help us.



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#84 of 89 Old 10-15-2003, 01:16 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by saffiyya80
i grew up in a VIOLENT household and after getting married i felt like phew! it's over, i'm outta there, but then after having her i have those days that i scare myself with the thoughts or feelings that come up --it feels like pure rage sometimes and i feel like maybe all that anger i wasnt allowed to express while living with my parents is coming up now in the stressful situations, cuz it needs to come out..
I've been really hitting this issue lately (no pun intended. ). My first response when frustrated is to want to spank...I know it comes from me experiencing this as a child, but I get so sad. I can't imagine a situation worthy of spanking dd and it's there inside me.

I'm finding friends are great...talking about it helps. I'm also going to read Mary Sheedy's book Kids, Parents and Power Struggles. It was recommended on a listserve I'm on. Who's in Control This article is always grounding for me. It reminds me that the power struggles are often what bring me down, so to speak. I'd love to hear other people's coping mechinisms for the same situation...how do you just leave the room? What do you do?

Oh yeah, I also have noticed I have more patience when I take care of myself, get exercise, etc. Right now I have a cold and I am a royal grump. Luckily dd reminds me regularly what's important with those smiles. Isn't it wonderful how our children push all the right buttons to get us clear deep down inside, not just on the surface?ild
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#85 of 89 Old 10-17-2003, 12:39 PM
 
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Who's in Control? The unhappy consequences of being child-centered
Try that, and if it doesn't work, try this

http://www.continuum-concept.org/rea...InControl.html

Also, if you go to the continuum concept network home page, it will giv3e you lots of thought provoking articles...I find myself going ah ha! a lot.

http://www.continuum-concept.org/
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#86 of 89 Old 10-17-2003, 01:10 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Hi all! I check in on this thread every now and again-especially on days that I need it. This week has been one of those weeks. I'm so happy that this thread is still going... we are not alone. We are all struggling in some way. I wish IRL friends could be so honest...
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#87 of 89 Old 03-15-2004, 12:13 AM
 
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BUMP!

Quote:
i grew up in a VIOLENT household and after getting married i felt like phew! it's over, i'm outta there, but then after having her i have those days that i scare myself with the thoughts or feelings that come up --it feels like pure rage sometimes and i feel like maybe all that anger i wasnt allowed to express while living with my parents is coming up now in the stressful situations, cuz it needs to come out..
This is exactly how I feel right now. I am losing my mind because DH is gone for work this week. Usually on weekends I can relax and have a few minutes for myself. The really scary thing is that he is deploying for 7 months and I wish I got to leave for that long. I feel like a terrible mother.
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#88 of 89 Old 03-15-2004, 12:32 AM
 
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You deserve more than a few minutes y yourself
I am amazed at your strenght. I could not let my Dh go for 6 months. I simply new I was nto capablle of doing it by myself for so long,
ONe of the way to get time to yourself is to form a babysitting co-cop with 2-3 like minded moms. This way you can get 2-3 hours to yourself on the weekend. It will put you in a better state of mind and you will be a bett calmer mom
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#89 of 89 Old 03-15-2004, 01:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Wow! I am amazed and happy that this thread has been resurrected. It just goes to show that we are all struggling along, doing the best we can to parent our children.

I can't believe it's been a year since I wrote this. I think I should have just realized at 14 months that my DS was going to be a challenge for me and also teach me SO much about ME!

Nice to know that you are all out there!
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