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#1 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 03:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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OK here is the deal, I have this friend. . . (dom't we all)

Anyway, she stops by annanounced quite often which is fine but it sorta throws off dd (2 1/2) because she is routien kinda girl. Any friend has a baby about a year old. So baby is always playing with dd toys which she can take most of the time but heaven help him he takes a special doll. My dd is so sensitive about her dolls. We leave the house with no less than 4 of them every time we go somewhere. She treats them like they were glass and takes extrodinary care of them for being such a little girl. So the little boy innocently unawre pickls up lily's doll. She tells him no, and grabs her doll. i tell her if the baby is playing with a special toy then she need to find hi something else to play with and ask mommy to get her doll rather than jerking it out of his hands. this is situation she isn't exposed to much so I feel it is OK for her to take a little while learning this without parents getting frustrated. t isn't like she is walloping this littleguy. She just tells him no and takes her toy back. This little senario plays out a lot. twice now my friend has snatched the doll back away from her and snapped at her for taking away from her son. I find this appalling. i usually am so busy comforting dd (ho absolutely dissolves at being treated that way)that I don't say anything. I have explained to my friend that she is really senesitive about her dolls and even though she is a year older than her so she is still just a baby. ( i think a lot of times people who only have thier one baby really overestimate 2 and 3 year olds maturity level. I know I sure did). if I knew she was coming over I would send the girls (or at least thier toys) upstairs and have them bring down some appropriate toys for the baby (in theory we don't bring toys to the main level anyway - they stay in the playroom, bedroom and basement). She never gives me any warning though. Would it be rude to scoop everything up after she gets there? Would you say something to her and if so what. The only thing I can ever manage to get out is that she doesn't like anyone touching her dolls. She is very sensitive about it and sometimes doesn't even want me messing with them. Should I directly say something about the way she treated my dd. Not exactly good role modleing to snatch something out of a 2 year olds hands and say "we don't take things away from people." IMHO. Aghh, it is so frustrating. I have never seen anyone act like such a brat to a 2 year old unless they were that age too. i felt like putting her in time out I tell ya! I really do enjoy hanging out with her but she just doesn't understand that a 2 year old is still so much a baby and sharing is something that is still very hard for her. Also since we have three girls we have a pretty intracite(sp?) system of things that have to be shared and things that are all yours and special and you don't have to share. (very few things fall into this catagory but thier dolls pretty much all land here especially Claire, the Corelle doll in question.) They share doll clothes but each girl has her very own beautiful, long hair, toddler bellied, vanilla scented doll that she doesn't have ot share with anyone. Sorry this is my own rant and I have wandered off topic.

So what would you do in my situation? Am I being unreasonable to be upset with her? Should I just put up everything that he can't play with? Should I address her behavior because quite honestly I was very offended that she would treat my dd that way. It is one thing for babies to do that to each other but not adults to treat babies that way. I am so bad in these situations. I have no illusions that my dd was not rude. She was wrong to snatch it away from the baby but she serious thought he might ruin it. Also she is very concerned about and take very seriously babies playing with big kid toys because at her friend house they have to keep choking hazard whatnot away from the baby which is pretty much everything. It is confusing world for a 2 year old somewhere between big kid and baby.

Anyway thinkg in advance for any insight you have on this situation.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#2 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 03:30 PM
 
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As far as whether or not to say something to your friend about how she handled the situation, I can't offer you any advice there. I'm not sure what I would do other than model the behavior I'd LIKE her to use, kwim?

As for explaining the doll thing...if you tell me the same story but say "pacifier" or "blankie" instead of "doll", it's completely different, isn't it? Maybe she doesn't use them as soothers, but they are that important to her and that personal for her. Explain it this way to your friend and whenever possible, eliminate the possibility of the situation arising again.
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#3 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 03:37 PM
 
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When your friend shows up, could you just say to your dd, "Oh, the baby is here to play now. Take your dolls upstairs, please. You can bring down some other toys" Or something like that, so she can put the sensitive items away....
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#4 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 04:09 PM
 
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Personally, I think the whole problem lies in the fact that your friend just shows up at your house. How rude! Even with my very best friend who is like my sister, I don't do that, I always call first. I would tell the friend that you love to have her come over, but it would really help you and your kids if you had some advanced warning and could she please call first. What if you were in the middle of a painting project with your kids, you shouldn't have to stop what you are doing to entertain someone else, nor should you have to feel like you need to invite someone into your home who wasn't invited. If they live next door and come over to see if your kids want to come outside, or come over to their house to play, that's one thing, but to show up at someone's house expecting them to host an impromptu playdate for you is another.:

When it comes to the dolls, I would explain to your friend that the rules of your house are that there are certain toys that your dd's are not required to share because they are special to them. If the friends who up unannounced, I would tell my kids to take their special toys up to their rooms. If they want to play with them, it is perfectly acceptible for them to be "anti-social" and stay in their rooms to play. After all, THEY were interupted and expected to play host when the friend arrived -- not cool. When friends come over they should be expected to follow the rules of YOUR house. For example, I don't care if my kids friends parents let them jump on their beds, absolutely no one jumps on beds in our house. I expect everyone to follow that rule.

I'm pretty sure that your friend sees your child as a big bully. After all, didn't we all when we only had one, delicate child who hadn't yet hit the toddler years in full force? I remember going to the indoor playground at the mall and thinking that those 2 year olds who hit my kids were big bullies, and why didn't their parents teach them not to hit. Then my second child came along and HE was the big bully who occasionally hit. I could always tell when he hit the child of someone who only had one kid because she would look at my child like he was the devil incarnate -- how dare he touch her child. Your friend will learn soon enough what toddlerhood is really like and will look back and realize how crazy she was.

I think the key to this whole problem is that the friend needs to CALL FIRST and let you decide whether you are in the mood to have company.
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#5 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 05:31 PM
 
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Beth, if I had friends who just dropped over it might mean I kept my house tidier!!

Back on topic now. I think you are perfectly within your rights to make sure your dd's dolls are safe. I would have taken the doll from the other mom or asked her to give it back, as it's a special toy that doesn't get shared.
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#6 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 05:40 PM
 
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I would not make an issue of your friend's grabby behavior. I agree with your position, but I can imagine that confronting her would lead to anything but defensiveness, hurt feelings, and drawn-out yuckiness. She is just not likely to understand.

I might talk to her about the unannounced visits though. That is just hard for you and your family, esp. as homeschoolers.

I do understand about "special toys." My 2 year old has 3 or 4 "special toys," that we encourage his friends to respect as personal. Also, brand new toys don't get shared. I think it makes it easier for him to share the rest of the toys if he knows those few things are safe. I generally say something like, "Oh that is a special toy and not for sharing," loudly enough for the other mothers to hear, and then send ds to put it in his room.

I know exactly what you mean about the dolls too. My older son has several beloved stuffed animals. They have individual beds, and he "feeds" them regularly. They are like his children, and sharing them is just beyond his capability -- even at age 6. In his mind -- they are NOT toys to be played with -- his relationship with those teddies is serious business. And I can respect that!
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#7 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 06:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for the insights ladies.

>>" I'm pretty sure that your friend sees your child as a big bully. After all, didn't we all when we only had one, delicate child who hadn't yet hit the toddler years in full force?"<<

Exactly. i am not going to say anything because she will get there soon enough on her own and be dooly embarressed just like the rest of us . It is irritating how she sees both my children . She hates the way my older dd interupt(ya know maybe I don't enjoy hanging around with as much as I thought : ) But she has exciting things to say to grown ups and when mom sits around talking for so long she has to interupt to get a word in.

Dorpping in - ya know this annoys me more than I htoinght. Maddeline gathers up her things and takes them away automatically (I did day care when she was little so she knows the "If you don't intend to share" rule.) She is a sweetie and even gets the baby some toys sometimes. lily on the other hand is so thrown off by someone stopping by - and the fact that thier visits means I will distracted from her - that she freezes up. She also usually stops by right about the time Lily would be napping if there weren't company over. One of the incidenses in question happened at a LLL meeting so no help there but she does have bad drop in manners. I have a friend (hahamommy) who used to drop in all the time but it was different. It wasn't work. And if dd saw her car go by and she didn't dare stop then she would have been in deep doo with Madeline i guess except for very close friends it would never occur to me to just drop by unless I was just dropping something off. She shows up with luch (totally uncool to walk into a house full of kids with french fries unless you brought enough to share) and says "i have an hour to burn before dh gets done with *** so i thought I would hang out here." I don't do anything and I don't mind company. if you know you are comeing over here then please at least call on your way out of the freaking door!!

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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#8 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 06:20 PM
 
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Lilyka -- it really sounds like this friend is taking advantage or your good graces in more than one way!!!

And if she doesn't appreciate and like your children, it makes me wonder why she is coming over anyway?

It sounds like she is being disruptive, rude and thoughtless. And it sounds like you need to set some boundries. Maybe even insert a "now is not a good time to visit" next time she "drops by."

And -- if your dd brought toys to a LLL meeting, then the other mothers ought to prevent their kids from taking her toys unless she invited them too. Can you imagine if you were at a meeting and some woman decided to rumage through your purse and borrow your hairbrush?

And the french fries -- that is just over the top. Not cool at all.
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#9 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 09:45 PM
 
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Tell her she can't eat her lunch in front of your kids...and one day she will understand...her kid is just too young to demand french fries. Period. Make her eat in her car and then come in! I think you'll just have to say something.

When I am that mother, I give the older child back the toy (it is their house!) and try to redirect my child with another toy. I think the host child has precedence over their toy, yk? Sometimes I will ask the host child, very directly, if it's ok to play with something, or if they would be willing to share a toy. Sometimes even young kids have been great once they're asked...instead of told. And if it's not ok, then me as the mom knows to move those toys away from my child and find more acceptable things to play with. If I were you, I would move the very special toys, and try to establish a basket of "guest toys". Could you tell her DD #2 is a lot touchier about naptime, and try to ask her to call first before coming over?

It sounds like your friends is very self absorbed and ha no experience with older kids. Eventually she will learn. You might have to decide how much to push her!
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#10 of 12 Old 03-30-2003, 10:15 PM
 
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I think that you are right about her overestimating Lily's maturity level. I catch myself doing it. I see others doing it too.

I have actually been trying to get friends to start dropping by unannounced (sometimes I think it's silly that I spend so much time on the phone with people who live two minutes away), but I also think it's reasonable to say that unannounced visits are upsetting to your dd, that she likes to know what's on her plate for the day. I don't see why your friend would take offence.
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#11 of 12 Old 03-31-2003, 04:07 PM
 
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I think Clarity has it right on. That mom should ask Lily if she is ok with sharing first. Especially since they are stopping by rather than coming at a prearranged time.

I do not agree with the "you have to share everything" idea. This is unfair. As grown women we don't just pick up each others things and start using them without asking.

But I do agree with putting away things you'd rather not share esp. when you are around someone younger who might not understand. If it were me, I'd gather up the things she doesn't want to share and put them away. I wouldn't care if the mom thought it was wrong. I'd ask her how she'd feel if I was visiting her and just marched in her closet and started trying on her clothes.
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#12 of 12 Old 03-31-2003, 11:03 PM
 
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oooh, i hate unannounced visits. ILs used to do it all the time and i had to put a stop to that!

i would address the issue of unannounced visits and would NOT address the way she talks to your kids. i agree w/mamaduck, i don't think there is any way to phrase it that wouldn't lead to defensiveness. the unannounced visits discussion will probably do that too, but you gotta!

i'd just bring up the fact that 'dropping by' really throws off your girls' routine and could she just put a call in b4 she leaves so you can get the girls prepared.

my dd1 has her special toy and dd2 has a different 'special' toy every hour of the day, so i just use the, if you bring it out in front of others, you have to be prepared to share it. otherwise, leave it in your room or at home/in the car - whatever.

if you decide NOT to have the unannouced visits discussion and just grin and bear it. i would just scoop up the 'untouchable' toys when the visits occur, let the girls play w/them elsewhere if they want and pull out a few baby toys so there's less temptation to play w/the special toys. and you can always make it clear what a (jerk) she's being by the way you address your kids when they try to interrupt or want attention. my dh is always competing w/the girls for attention w/his mom (:LOL) and i'll just say to maria when he's vying for attention - "just a minute, honey, daddy has something very important to tell grandma too and you can have your turn after his" - this usually makes him realize your competing w/a toddler - get ahold of yourself! but it also emphasizes politeness to my girls.

i hate these situations. at least w/my ILs, i had dh to do the dirty work for me!

WOHM married to SAHD, living the dream w/our: 3 girls (14,12,10) and 3 boys (7,5,3) and tie-breaker due Jan 2014

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