forced bra wearing?--updates pages 4 & 6 - Mothering Forums
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Parenting > forced bra wearing?--updates pages 4 & 6
Nankay's Avatar Nankay 07:29 PM 09-11-2006
X-posted in pre-teen and teen forum

I'm not sure how I feel about all this so I'm looking to you all for some different perspectives. My dd is 11 and developing. She has boobs, but not full grown adult sized. We bought a couple of bras at her request this past summer, but she hasn't worn them very much at all. Today we got a note from her teacher saying that dd needs to wear a bra or undershirt everyday.

My knee jerk reaction is "Who are you to tell me and dd what to wear in regards to underwear?" I mean, the weather has been chilly, so dd wears long sleeves, dark, thicker cotton tops/sweatshirts. No halters, no see thrus etc. What the heck is showing that needs to be covered? I don't wear a bra everyday and I'm fairly hefty so maybe I'm missing something. It's not like she's not wearing deod. and stinking up the room.
What's next, come spring a note telling me we have to have her pits and legs shaved?
Anyway, I tend to get pissy and rebellious when told I "have ' to do something, so I need an outside point of view.

rmzbm's Avatar rmzbm 07:35 PM 09-11-2006
Personally, I would have immediatly contacted the teacher to tell her IN PERSON to mind her own business & make it clear DD will do what she wants with HERself.
lisac77's Avatar lisac77 07:40 PM 09-11-2006
Ugh. My mother forced me to wear a bra (because SHE was uncomfortable with my breasts) and I HATED IT!!! I would tell that teacher where to stuff it, in the nicest way possible.
Nankay's Avatar Nankay 07:43 PM 09-11-2006
LOL.."stuff it".. snort..giggle..tee-hee

Sorry..hit me funny in a bra thread.
lisac77's Avatar lisac77 07:46 PM 09-11-2006
Oh, that was funny! I wasn't trying to be, but, yay me!
mcsarahb's Avatar mcsarahb 07:46 PM 09-11-2006
Did the teacher say WHY she needs to wear one? Is the teacher male or female? What kind of school is it?
Nankay's Avatar Nankay 07:51 PM 09-11-2006
Teacher is female--(late 40's I'd guess) teaching 5th grade in a public school in the U.S.
Flor's Avatar Flor 07:53 PM 09-11-2006
Wow. If she's not breaking dress code, what's the issue? I CANNOT imagine writing that note to a parent!!!
paquerette's Avatar paquerette 07:57 PM 09-11-2006
I think that's way over the line for her to have sent that note!

If you need some info to back up bras potentially being a health hazard, http://www.brafree.org/ is a good site.
scheelimama's Avatar scheelimama 08:05 PM 09-11-2006
I do wear a bra most every day and am uncomfortable not wearing one, but my I was similar to your dd when I was her age and hated wearing them. I would just wear sweatshirts or something to hide my stuff. My mom forced me to wear a bra and I despised it. I would not force her to wear one until she wants to. I think that teaches her to not be comfortable with who she is. If she is not being too obvious in her non bra wearing habits, I don't think it's an issue and I would have a talk with the teacher about it.
annettemarie's Avatar annettemarie 08:06 PM 09-11-2006
Good heavens. If there's nothing in the dress code about girls wearing bras (maybe even if there is!) I would be making a complaint. I hope she didn't embarass your daughter about this.
alegna's Avatar alegna 08:10 PM 09-11-2006
I posted on your other thread, but will here too... public school, eh? Is it in the dress code? (not that I think that's right, but you might have to play it differently) If it's not in the dress code I would write a nice polite letter telling the teacher where she could go and that it is none of her business what undergarments my child may or may not wear. I would cc it to the principal, the school board and anyone else I could think of.

NOT okay.

-Angela
MCatLvrMom2A&X's Avatar MCatLvrMom2A&X 08:14 PM 09-11-2006
That is a good idea angela a letter would be what I would have to do because when I read the other thread. I told my dh if that happened with dd he would have to hold me back because it wouldnt be pretty if I made it to the school :
mcsarahb's Avatar mcsarahb 08:38 PM 09-11-2006
I think if the teacher didn't specifiy WHY she requires it, you need to figure that out first. Then you have something specific to argue against.
bandgeek's Avatar bandgeek 09:23 PM 09-11-2006
I would be mortified if I was that age and a teacher sent that note home!

I don't care what the dress code is or what reasons that teacher has for expecting your DD to wear a bra or undershirt. That is just...wrong. I think wearing a bra is a personal choice. Even if you are a 40GGG and they hang to your belly button, it's nobody's business if you choose to support them or not.

But I agree with the pp's. You should find out why the note was sent home and go from there. But ultimately, if your DD is dressing modestly and is covered, they can't decide what underwear she wears, if any at all.

Geez, isn't it hard enough for little girls to make the transition into womanhood? They don't need to worry that people are thinking about their underwear and judging them!

This might be a good time to explain to your DD why society expects women to wear bras and let her know that it is ultimately her choice.
NiteNicole's Avatar NiteNicole 09:26 PM 09-11-2006
I think I'd want to talk to her and find out what's going on. Is DD being teased or something? I would imagine she (the teacher) must think she has a pretty good reason to send home a note about something so personal and I'd want to know what it is.
runes's Avatar runes 09:27 PM 09-11-2006
i would be : if this happened to us.

angela's idea to write a letter to the teacher with cc's to higher ups is a good game plan.

but before doing that i would give the teacher one shot to explain her reasoning...give her an opportunity to either redeem herself or to thoroughly wedge her foot into her mouth even farther.
muckemom's Avatar muckemom 09:32 PM 09-11-2006
THATS BS - shes a child, she'll wear a bra when she wants to... besides, you said it was public school, maybe this teacher should be focused on saggy pants and midriff baring shirts and lowriders and all that jazz.... plus way to make your DD feel self-conscience about her newly developing body...


: She has no right to tell you that....
Barefoot Farmer's Avatar Barefoot Farmer 09:32 PM 09-11-2006
Another mama chiming in to agree with finding out the reason for the request and then write a letter telling them where to stick their demands. Just wondering, what does your daughter to say about all this? Does she know there was a letter sent home?
deuxceleste's Avatar deuxceleste 09:35 PM 09-11-2006
I can't state this better than you all already have. Certainly we as a civilization and as women have come far enough so as not to have those who are embarassed by the human body dictate what we do and do not wear... particularly UNDERWEAR. Hell, I'LL write this teacher a letter. Seriously. That's just absurd.
angelpie545's Avatar angelpie545 09:44 PM 09-11-2006
Exactly what all the pp have been saying! That teacher needs to mind her business! I would adress this with her immediately. The nerve of some people never ceases to amaze me. :
sphinxie's Avatar sphinxie 10:23 PM 09-11-2006
I agree with all the pp =)

Quote:
Originally Posted by paquerette
If you need some info to back up bras potentially being a health hazard, http://www.brafree.org/ is a good site.
I was all enthused about this site, but got weirded out by how the dr's pictures are on every page. Also it's a little inflexible. A friend found this one as an alternative: http://www.007b.com/why_wear_bras.php

After a quick read it looks like the same info, but presented a little more evenly. Without the weird pics.
Joannarachel's Avatar Joannarachel 11:06 PM 09-11-2006
Holy way sexually inappropriate, batmother! :

Wow. Just wow. I can't believe the teacher had the gall to write a note like that.
meisterfrau's Avatar meisterfrau 11:08 PM 09-11-2006
I'm a teacher, and I'm trying to imagine a parallel universe in which I'd think this was any of my business...nope, can't do it. I would certainly spend some time crafting a politely worded nastygram to the teacher about it. I'd really want to know why this is an issue, too. Is it in the dress code? Are the boys staring at her (in which case, they need to be talked to)? Is it really cold in the room or something that it is (ahem) obvious that she isn't wearing a bra? Is DD's teacher a nipplephobe of the sort that would give nasty looks to an NIPer?:
jennnk's Avatar jennnk 11:23 PM 09-11-2006
From the other side...I WISH a teacher had told my mom that I needed to wear a bra. I got teased mercilessly because I didn't, and my mom didn't believe that. If a teacher had stepped in (because I know they heard it, and they knew it was going on, and they told the kids to stop but that just made it worse), maybe that would have stopped the torment. As it was, I wasn't allowed to wear one until I was 14, and by that time the damage was done. I'd have a talk with your daughter, ask if kids are bothering her about not wearing a bra, and if it bothers her, then let her wear one, but if it doesn't politely explain to the teacher that you appreciate her concern but DD has chosen to go brafree and that is her right as a growing woman.
EastonsMom's Avatar EastonsMom 11:28 PM 09-11-2006
Not that I agree with the teacher, but would she wear a cami with a shelf bra: ? Just an idea
chinaKat's Avatar chinaKat 12:13 AM 09-12-2006
You should also inquire if other students have been given the same instructions as your daughter.

I know of a situation in a school where one girl was singled out for criticism for her outfit, despite the fact that she was dressed basically identically to her classmates (you know how girls that age are -- there's an unwritten uniform!).

Anyway, the girl that got criticized for dressing inappropriately was the only one that had developed breasts. :

The parents said hey, that's harrassment and the school backed down.
Storm Bride's Avatar Storm Bride 12:55 AM 09-12-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by jennnk
From the other side...I WISH a teacher had told my mom that I needed to wear a bra. I got teased mercilessly because I didn't, and my mom didn't believe that. If a teacher had stepped in (because I know they heard it, and they knew it was going on, and they told the kids to stop but that just made it worse), maybe that would have stopped the torment. As it was, I wasn't allowed to wear one until I was 14, and by that time the damage was done. I'd have a talk with your daughter, ask if kids are bothering her about not wearing a bra, and if it bothers her, then let her wear one, but if it doesn't politely explain to the teacher that you appreciate her concern but DD has chosen to go brafree and that is her right as a growing woman.
Yeah - but the OP said that they have a few bras, and her dd isn't wearing them.
jennnk's Avatar jennnk 01:09 AM 09-12-2006
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride
Yeah - but the OP said that they have a few bras, and her dd isn't wearing them.
Ah. Missed that part. Sorry.
Kidzaplenty's Avatar Kidzaplenty 01:24 AM 09-12-2006
I'd have to find out why the note was written before I would be angry and respond. After that, I would weigh the reasoning before deciding what to do.

I made my daughters wear them when going out of the house when they began developing. It became too obvious and an attention grabber, and I did NOT want others to be paying attention to that part of their bodies. They were only children and I felt like I was protecting them from sexual preditors (be it adults or their peers). I will do it again with my next daughter when her time comes.
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