First of all, thanks for all the replies & recommendations everyone!
Wow... where to start... I suppose I must say that coming to MDC was sort of a last ditch effort to communicate with ANYONE who'd listen (though I suppose it should have been a first - I'd never joined a BBS before). I've gone to the periodic LLL meetings here in town (I pump exclusively), a couple of different playgroups, a new mom's support group (which is hosted so rarely I wanna tell the lady who runs it that I don't care how many people are signed up for it, I NEED it), and even found another cleft mom in town (I also have tried widesmiles repeatedly, with no response to my attempts to join Cleftalk) - and yet, I've not found anyone that I've been able to connect with. Let me add to that - I did recently meet with a couple of women who I really like & am interested in getting to know better, but getting to know people takes time and when you're having a surgery every three months (Alex has had 2 already, his 3rd is in May), it makes it kind of difficult because that process gets interrupted. I did just stop at the library the other day & got their storytime handout. Before I thought that I didn't really belong with the older children's groups since Alex is just barely sitting up, but now I realize that I don't give a crap. The hardest part of all of this is that dh moved us 6 states from everything we know for grad school right after our son was born (Alex was 10 days old), so I just don't know anyone. And I've had a million interruptions in the process of finding anyone to know. First, I was postpartum and could barely get dressed & often didn't, then we had Alex's first surgery, then we went home for a month during the holidays (which was fabulous), then Alex had his 2nd surgery. Right now I'm at a point where I can get things done & can go to playgroup regularly (when people actually show up), but I just got to this point in the last few weeks. Whenever there are surgeries, I'm pretty much out of commission for a month - 2 weeks prior to surgery to avoid illness & 2 weeks after for the healing process & to avoid illness again. We were all sick over a couple of weeks shortly after the last surgery too, which I didn't really want to spread to other children at playgroup or LLL. So, I've tried to meet people - I've actually just recently sort of succeeded at it, but every now & again I start feeling insane from not having spoken to anyone for what seems like days (dh is in grad school - this prohibits him from having too much time for much of anything, though he does try very hard to make time for us, so for days excluding him & whatever minor conversation we may have had). Sometimes I see mommies in line at the grocery & I just want to start rambling about how difficult it can all be, though I don't because they'd think I'm crazy. So instead I seem to have found my way here to ramble incoherently and come to no further conclusions about anything at all. I don't think I have PPD, because I've dealt with depression for years and miraculously, though I don't necessarily sound it, I've been doing extraordinarily well here despite the massive evidence I've provided to the contrary. The main reason I'm here at MDC is to further voice my frustrations. There is an end in sight, however. My sister is coming to visit next week & spring should be hitting Montana sometime in this century. After this next surgery, we're headed back to my family's in Ohio for the summer - which will further interrupt my friend-making, but will bring me much needed relief from 24/7 babycare and the unfathomable depths of loneliness. I spent the last 2 months of my pregnancy at my mom's last summer and it was great - my sisters and I ate ice cream at least 3 times daily, sat around being lazy, went swimming, watched movies... It will be wonderful to be there with Alex as he learns to crawl (though he'll probably do that before summer if he gets this balance thing down), then walk & talk - I can't wait. It's what keeps me afloat, honestly, even though every now and again, as evidenced here, I sink a bit.
anna kiss partner to jon radical mama to aleks (8/02) and bastian (5/05)