Poll: Which SIL's side are you on? - Page 3 - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Which SIL's side are you on?
Mainstream/Hawaii SIL 158 66.67%
Crunchy SIL 79 33.33%
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Old 10-13-2006, 10:05 PM
 
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Originally Posted by wasabi View Post
Not at all trying to be in the least bit rude but you truly think you are mainstream? In the other thread you said you don't have any exposure to any media. You don't use any punishments at all. You use a totally non-coercive parenting approach. You don't want any free time from your kids and wouldn't find a child-free event to be something you would want to attend. You extend BF, cloth diaper, etc etc etc where is the mainstreamness?
Okay - I do read my local paper sometimes, and read magazines in waiting rooms...plus the omnipresent tabloid headlines at the grocery store. But, yeah - basically media-free (there's always the internet...I seem to hear about a lot of things, despite not watching tv or reading papers).

I don't really use punishments, per se, but I'm not totally non-coercive, either. My home is definitely run with the understanding that dh and I are "boss". There are some expectations (helping with cleanup, for one) and there are some consequences for things.

I never really thought of wanting my kids around all the time as something "crunchy". I've met mainstream moms who want their kids around all the time, and crunchy moms who don't...

Anyway...guess I'm just saying that I'm not really crunchy. I shop at big box stores, don't eat much organic, etc. I do several things that probably aren't very environmentally friendly, etc. I'm very AP, but not very NFL, and have never thought of myself as crunchy. (My sister, on the other hand, says I'll be eating "seaweed sandwiches" soon, so I guess it's a matter of perspective.)

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Old 10-13-2006, 10:09 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Godaime View Post
I have been reading mothering threads since last winter and I still don't get why is it ok for kids to not be sitting when the eat? I mean do you really let your kids run wild all while eating? I know toddlers won't always want to sit to eat, but why not teach them? Having kids run around with food just creates a huge mess ( I know some of you are ok with this) but also they can easily choke while
running around eating.
I don't make my kids sit at the table for dinner. They do have to eat in either the kitchen or the dining area (absolutely no food upstairs or in the living room, with the exception of a big bowl of popcorn if we're watching a movie). They're also not allowed to wander around while actually eating. However, if dd takes a few bites, then wants to get up and walk around, she can do that. When she wants to eat some more, she comes back to the table. As she's getting older, she's realizing that everyone else sits at the table until the meal is finished, and she's more inclined to stay at the table to converse, etc. I simply see no point in making an active 3-year-old sit at the table.

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Old 10-14-2006, 03:49 AM
 
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you know it seems csil is the picky eater and not her chilldren if she only ever makes 3 meals. maybe her children would like new things but SHE gives them no choice and they don't want to make her think they are going mainstream on her or something of that sort.:
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Old 10-14-2006, 03:51 AM
 
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I only read the first page and then a few pages here and there(talk about a fast growing thread!)but I'd say Crunchy sil.
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Old 10-14-2006, 03:54 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
That about says it for me. I don't think I'd go, if I were CSIL...but I'm aware that if I were actually in the situation, and dh wanted to see his brothers and wanted me to be there, I may change my mind. It wouldn't be a vacation, though...I'd spend 10 days feeling trapped.
I dunno, I'm sure you could find a way to keep yourself occupied for 10 days in Hawaii while spending minimal time at SIL's... I know I could
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Old 10-14-2006, 04:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
ITA.

I think people have got sidelined with what they personally think of the rules and the way that both SILs raise their kids, and have missed the point.

Which, imo, is, that nobody has the right to dictate to another family that they should go against their personal values in the way that they treat their children while at a family gathering, no matter who pays for the tickets and who hosts.

I said it on the monster thread, and I'll say it again. IMO that is not the way that loving families interact. If you truly want family harmony, you embrace on another's differences and love all the children. If that means feeding them pb and j every meal, then you do so with a loving heart. If that means having children stay with their mother at an 'adult' event, you welcome them with a loving heart.

I cannot fathom how anyone can support any aunt who does not welcome her nieces and nephews with tolerance and good humour, even if their mother parents them with different values to one's own.

As for the idea that as it is hosted at the MSIL"s home, she can call the shots, that smacks of control and power play imo. And many posters seem to miss the point that CSIL cannot just stay home - her husband expects her to go and she has little choice. If my dh told me that I had to go to visit his family and 'suck it up' because they were paying and because he wanted to visit with his brother, I'd be furious.

I could not look my child in the face if I'd been forced to treat him/her in a way that contradicted our principles, just because my in-laws were temporarily in a position of control.

The basic principle is the same no matter what CSIL's personal child-raising philosophies are. I don't get it that so many people miss that point.

For example, if the OP had said that MSIL had told everyone in an email that nobody was to nurse in the room with others, or cosleep, or that they must all eat non-organic food, or that children must be left to CIO at 6pm, everyone woudl be up in arms. It is equally wrong, whatever the 'rules'.

I just couldnt fathom having to stay with someone who thought that they could dictate how I treated my own children during my stay. Actually, I've been in that position once, and had to brave some pretty emphatic people while sticking to my guns. I will not treat my children disrespectfully, even if the whole army of ILs are firing big guns at me. No way, no how.

Similarly, I would never try to dictate to my ILs how they should treat their children if I were hosting for them. Although maybe I'd have a problem if they were spanking.... I havent had to deal with that, but for me, that would be an exception to the 'no interference' rule.

I love Hawaii, but I'd have to be starving to accept anything from someone who thought that she could set rules for my kids in this way. I'd feel the same even if I agreed with her rules. Not her place, and totally ugh, ugh, ugh.
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Old 10-14-2006, 05:24 AM
 
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I'm on CSIL's side.

Britishmum, that was beautifully put
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Old 10-14-2006, 09:13 AM
 
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Anyone know why the other thread got closed???

Roman Goddess, mom to J (August 2004) and J (April 2009).    h20homebirth.gif signcirc1.gif
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Old 10-14-2006, 12:22 PM
 
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Thank you Britishmum!! Beautifully said! :
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Old 10-14-2006, 12:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CryPixie83 View Post
I dunno, I'm sure you could find a way to keep yourself occupied for 10 days in Hawaii while spending minimal time at SIL's... I know I could
I don't think staying occupied would be the problem -- MSIL has every minute planned. :

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 10-14-2006, 02:21 PM
 
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I'll pick crunchy, even though she reminds me of one of my SILs who ruined too many family things to count, because Hawaii SIL must have a major screw loose to have THREE nannies and NO HOUSEKEEPER to clean the kitchen. WTF? That's some nerve, man, to have three nannies on the payroll and no kitchen help at a monster function like that. It might be "fun" for the kids to do the after dinner clean up together (yeah, right), but, I think they'd like to just relax and play around like everybody else.

Still, I'd freaking GO to this shindig no matter how much I didn't like the rules. There's a HAWAIIAN BEACH out the back door!! Hello?? Ten days in one of THE most beautiful places in the world, free. My kids get to play for 10 days with their cousins. MSIL can serve me eyeballs and cardboard and tell everybody I'm having an affair with a lizard, and I could care less when I'm on that beach, soaking up the rays, lulled into blissful relaxation by those waves crashing, and, hey, is that one of those, whachacallit? CABANA BOYS? uh, huh, come on over here and rub some oil on me, would you? Who do YOU vote for, Cabana Boy? (He picks the rich one, wouldn't you know? But he does NOT get a vote.)

*gasping....can't.....breathe*

: : :
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Old 10-14-2006, 05:16 PM
 
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Anyone know why the other thread got closed???

Probably because of the rudeness and utter lack of respect some posters have shown regarding parenting styles that are different from their own.
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Old 10-14-2006, 05:26 PM
 
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Probably because of the rudeness and utter lack of respect some posters have shown regarding parenting styles that are different from their own.
:
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Old 10-14-2006, 06:25 PM
 
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:

Yep. From BOTH sides of the issue.
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Old 10-14-2006, 06:26 PM
 
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Originally Posted by CryPixie83 View Post
I dunno, I'm sure you could find a way to keep yourself occupied for 10 days in Hawaii while spending minimal time at SIL's... I know I could
I think most people could, but I have no interest in Hawaii, and in that circumstance, I'd only be going because of the family aspect in the first place. (I'm not claiming CSIL feels the same way, though.)

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Old 10-14-2006, 06:39 PM
 
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Yep. From BOTH sides of the issue.
I only saw disrespect on one side (and then the disrepected side trying to defend itself).

But I hate that it was closed for review (which means it won't be reopened - "under-review" threads never are).
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Old 10-14-2006, 06:46 PM
 
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I know. I wanted to see it reach 1000.
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:00 PM
 
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I know. I wanted to see it reach 1000.
and even if it had died, someone would have bumped it around Christmas. After all this stress, I'll bet it is uneventful. Everyone smiling and nodding while politely talking smack BEHIND the offending sil's back (which is what families do, right)
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:17 PM
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Brittishmum:


a-wee-o a-wee-o a-wee-o





Ahem to that.
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Old 10-14-2006, 07:40 PM
 
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Much as I detest flying with my kids, I'd be on that plane in a second if I was invited to MSIL's house. I'm with her all the way. The food, the fairy parties, the inventive games...the food!

CSIL reminds me of a lot of the "more-ap-than-thou" types I've encountered (uh, only here, actually), the ones who imply that anyone who wants time away from their kids is "unattached" or that those who expect basic politeness from them is "stifling."
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Old 10-14-2006, 10:50 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Britishmum View Post
ITA.

I think people have got sidelined with what they personally think of the rules and the way that both SILs raise their kids, and have missed the point.

Which, imo, is, that nobody has the right to dictate to another family that they should go against their personal values in the way that they treat their children while at a family gathering, no matter who pays for the tickets and who hosts.

but everything has pros and cons  shrug.gif

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Old 10-15-2006, 01:27 AM
 
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I'm on MSIL's side on this one.
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Old 10-15-2006, 08:38 PM
 
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Uh-oh, there was a large earthquake in Hawaii. Hopefully MSIL,BIL and kids are okay.
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Old 10-15-2006, 08:51 PM
 
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I'm on MSIL's side here. It isn't like CSIL is being asked to seperate from an infant. Her kids are 7,8 and 10 iirc. She isn't even being asked to be in a different house. It sounds like the kids would have a blast with their cousins and there would be competent adult supervision for them.

If I got an email like that I might roll my eyes and complain to my good friends about it, but I would still go. 'Different rules for different families', ;When in Rome', etc.
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Old 10-15-2006, 08:54 PM
 
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I'm just such a rebel, that I'd do the stuff CSIL does JUST to piss off MSIL! I hate people telling me what I will and will not do. CSIL takes it kind of far, but I can't entirely blame her.
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Old 10-16-2006, 04:49 PM
 
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Anyone know why the other thread got closed???
So that we could all get our lives back, I imagine.
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Old 10-16-2006, 04:56 PM
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Uh-oh, there was a large earthquake in Hawaii. Hopefully MSIL,BIL and kids are okay.
Yeah, no tsunami so the beach house should be fine Our house shook a while, but no damage. If she lives on the big island in Kona, MSIL might be worse off.
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Old 10-16-2006, 05:39 PM
 
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Yeah, no tsunami so the beach house should be fine Our house shook a while, but no damage. If she lives on the big island in Kona, MSIL might be worse off.
I am gonna be vague about location, but we got an e-mail saying everyone and everything at MSIL's is fine (Thank G-d)!
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Old 10-16-2006, 06:06 PM
 
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So that we could all get our lives back, I imagine.
yes yes . It was something of a relief, wasn't it.
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Old 10-16-2006, 09:13 PM
 
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I am gonna be vague about location, but we got an e-mail saying everyone and everything at MSIL's is fine (Thank G-d)!
I was just checking to see if you'd posted anything. Thanks for letting us know. When I heard about the earthquake, your SIL's family was the first thing I thought of!

--Olive
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