Poll: Which SIL's side are you on? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: Which SIL's side are you on?
Mainstream/Hawaii SIL 158 66.67%
Crunchy SIL 79 33.33%
Voters: 237. You may not vote on this poll

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Old 10-12-2006, 01:29 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I'm just dying to see it in black and white -- it seems so very divided on the looooong SIL thread! I know most of you would qualify your choice with "I think they're both in the wrong, but...", so just assume that part is understood. But if you *had* to place yourself on one side or the other, which would it be? Mainstream/Hawaii SIL or Crunchy SIL?


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Old 10-12-2006, 01:33 PM
 
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Ha ha ha!

This is so silly!

I'm on the OP's side.

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Old 10-12-2006, 01:58 PM
 
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No one has the right to tell any parent that they *must* leave their kids at home and go to an "adult only" party. That line alone would steam me. Also, the "sit at meals until we're done" bit is downright unrealistic for little children.

I'd be upset too over these stupid "rules."
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Old 10-12-2006, 01:59 PM
 
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they are both behaving badly, but, in this instance, msil is behaving worse.
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Old 10-12-2006, 02:21 PM
 
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I side with the crunchy chick. MSIL sounds like a control freak. I understand it's her house, her rules. So CSIL should either suck it up and go by her rules or not go, IMO. But I still think MSIL's rules suck.
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Old 10-12-2006, 02:21 PM
 
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I'm on the crunchy SIL side. No one, ever, has the right to tell me when my child will go to bed, and what my child should eat. Ever. I personally would never invite someone over to house without the intention of making reasonable allowances for their chosen way of living, and I would never ask someone to compromise their principles concerning the child-rearing of their children.

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Old 10-12-2006, 02:55 PM
 
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Originally Posted by mamawanabe View Post
they are both behaving badly, but, in this instance, msil is behaving worse.
That about says it for me. I don't think I'd go, if I were CSIL...but I'm aware that if I were actually in the situation, and dh wanted to see his brothers and wanted me to be there, I may change my mind. It wouldn't be a vacation, though...I'd spend 10 days feeling trapped.

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Old 10-12-2006, 03:24 PM
 
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They're both behaving badly, but CSIL sounds like a nightmare.

What a great poll
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Old 10-12-2006, 03:30 PM
 
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limabean: I kind of wish you'd included two other options, for whose side, and whether or not we think it sounds like a great holiday. I've seen several comments about MSIL going to all this effort to provide a great holiday, and maybe that's one of the factors affecting my take on it. I hate feeling like I'm a hostage to what my host thinks is a good time, be it adult only parties or whale watching or taking conversational topics out of a hat (bowl? whatever it was). I wouldn't really be into any of that, except maybe the whale watching. So, for me, the whole thing would be like "okay, dh - I'll go have a crappy time for 10 days, and I'll be grateful to your brother and MSIL for providing the crappy time, and I'll follow all her rules, too". I might do it, for dh, and I'd try to suck it up and smile...but it just sounds grim. And, being in a position where I'm supposed to be grateful (because they provided this "great" holiday)...ouch...

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Old 10-12-2006, 03:45 PM
 
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I do find this so entertaining! I am surprised though, how so many people are directly opposite in their opinion here. I think the vacation sounds wonderful and exciting and relaxing and would love to go. I don't mind the rules at all, and would look forward to a couple of evenings alone with adults sitting out by the pool, etc. The family times sound like a lot of fun too, and I think msil sounds like a very creative, thoughtful person. And the fact that for 10 whole days, I don't have to cook or plan a meal, and can be served a wonderful, delicious meal with lots of choices - well, sign me up!!!

I do have a question. A lot of people have mentioned that no one tells their kids what to do - when to go to bed, what to eat, how long to sit, etc. But what happens when most of the people you are with find this very offensive and it is infringing on their good time. What if the kids are a lot more disruptive than you think (I think most parents find their own children more entertaining and less trouble than others think of them)? What would you expect the other family members to do - say nothing and just grit their teeth and just suck it up for 10 days Or is it ever okay to set some basic rules for everyone's sanity (based on the behavior of just one family)?
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Old 10-12-2006, 03:47 PM
 
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MSIL all the way!!!

I doubt writing a list of rules is the usual way msil treats her guests, and I doubt msil actually likes to give out rules like that, but CSIL acted rudely and disrespectful to her during her last stay and now pushed msil to go to such drastic matters as to spell out the rules before the vacation.

and for the hundredth time msil never "told anyone's kid" when to go to bed, It simply be in your room at a decent hour. I would say something if my guest's kid was running around in my kitchen at 3am in the morning. How is that acceptable.
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Old 10-12-2006, 03:51 PM
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Neither - I think the "divide" between these two women has been magnified extraordinarily by people here weaving together reactions to their own experiences with people with different parenting philosophies and the information provided by Maya44. No one is exploring any of the ways in which these women are similar (in a positive way), to maybe help think of ways to reduce the conflidt and help them find some consensus. Instead, most everyone posting on the thread is basically pulling for whichever SIL seems closest to her own parenting style.

It's no longer a thread about the two SILs, really, it's now just the battle between various flavors of "crunchy" parenting versus what is perceived as "mainstream" parenting. The small plot elements: trip to hawaii, frisson of class conflict -- those are at this point utterly secondary to the continuation of the thread.
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Old 10-12-2006, 03:58 PM
 
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I disagree - I am more crunchy than mainstream, and I totally side with msil. I think it has a lot to do with money (people resent msil for having it) and rules (which bother a lot of people, especially with children). I don't think that the csil is really crunchy, just rude and stubborn.
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Old 10-12-2006, 03:58 PM
 
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I hope reading that monster thread isn't a requirement, here. :

I read the OP and, based on that, I side with the mainstream sister. Her house, her rules. I don't find them that unreasonable and it seems like a small price to pay for a HI vacation. CSIL doesn't have to go if she finds it that unfair.
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Old 10-12-2006, 04:17 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally Posted by primjillie View Post
I disagree - I am more crunchy than mainstream, and I totally side with msil. I think it has a lot to do with money (people resent msil for having it) and rules (which bother a lot of people, especially with children). I don't think that the csil is really crunchy, just rude and stubborn.
That's funny. I think I'm more mainstream than crunchy, and I side with CSIL (to the extent that I side with either of them...which isn't much, actually). I don't care if MSIL is rich. I don't even care that much about rules, as such. I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".

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Old 10-12-2006, 04:27 PM
 
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Originally Posted by RedWine View Post
No one has the right to tell any parent that they *must* leave their kids at home and go to an "adult only" party.
Actually, she's only banning kids from a room or two for a couple of hours. Csil is in the same home as her kids all the time, just different rooms.
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Old 10-12-2006, 04:31 PM
 
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Actually, she's only banning kids from a room or two for a couple of hours. Csil is in the same home as her kids all the time, just different rooms.
Nope - MSIL's email also mentioned an adults-only event "at the Hyatt".

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Old 10-12-2006, 04:40 PM
 
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Originally Posted by WNB View Post
Neither - I think the "divide" between these two women has been magnified extraordinarily by people here weaving together reactions to their own experiences with people with different parenting philosophies and the information provided by Maya44.
This about sums it up for me. I think both SILs have room for improvement, yet I find that the litany of "rules" aimed at CSIL under the guise of "wanting everyone to have a good time" the greater offense at the moment. We do not have the benefit of hearing CSIL's voice in this, so it's easy to say, MSIL all the way, and assume the worst about CSIL. Or alternately, give CSIL the benefit of the doubt in some areas. At this point, a lot of people are making stuff up just because it supports the image they have in their mind of these women.
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Old 10-12-2006, 04:46 PM
 
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This poll is hilarious.

I'm on Maya's side. I would vote for "CSIL and MSIL deserve each other" if that were an option
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Old 10-12-2006, 04:49 PM
 
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I'm on Maya's side. I would vote for "CSIL and MSIL deserve each other" if that were an option
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Old 10-12-2006, 05:57 PM
 
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MSIL- I think CSIL sounds like a disrespectful nightmare. MSIL overreacted but I might become a little anal too sharing my home with someone so rude to me.

MSIL even admits she's anal but I don't get the impression that she's rigid about everything from Maya's posts. Cool arts and crafts throughout the house(paper chains with wishes), sandcastle cities, fairy parties, laughing as a baby dumps food on the floor, nursing her 1 yo at dinner, buffet style dinners with food seperated so guests can prepare food as they like it, none of these screams anal retentive freak to me.
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Old 10-12-2006, 06:28 PM
 
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CSIL gets more sympathy from me. I would be horrified if my SIL sent me that email instead of discussing her feelings w/ me. Horrified! Like a shamed child. :

These 2 posts pretty much sum it up:
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I don't care if MSIL is rich. I don't even care that much about rules, as such. I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
Quote:
Originally Posted by Little Monkey Mom
I think both SILs have room for improvement, yet I find that the litany of "rules" aimed at CSIL under the guise of "wanting everyone to have a good time" the greater offense at the moment. We do not have the benefit of hearing CSIL's voice in this, so it's easy to say, MSIL all the way, and assume the worst about CSIL. Or alternately, give CSIL the benefit of the doubt in some areas. At this point, a lot of people are making stuff up just because it supports the image they have in their mind of these women.
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Old 10-12-2006, 06:33 PM
 
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Originally Posted by primjillie View Post
I disagree - I am more crunchy than mainstream, and I totally side with msil. I think it has a lot to do with money (people resent msil for having it) and rules (which bother a lot of people, especially with children). I don't think that the csil is really crunchy, just rude and stubborn.
It's funny, I don't see her as really crunchy either, but I know it is because of my personal bias - I don't see a diet of PBJ and pizza as crunchy at all. For some reason that seems to cancel out all the other crunchiness to me. I know it's stupid, but that's my gut reaction.
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Old 10-12-2006, 06:35 PM
 
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MSIL even admits she's anal but I don't get the impression that she's rigid about everything from Maya's posts. Cool arts and crafts throughout the house(paper chains with wishes), sandcastle cities, fairy parties, laughing as a baby dumps food on the floor, nursing her 1 yo at dinner, buffet style dinners with food seperated so guests can prepare food as they like it, none of these screams anal retentive freak to me.
Yeah. I think a lot of these aspects of MSIL are being lost as people project their own ideas of "ultra-mainstream" on her.

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Old 10-12-2006, 06:37 PM
 
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I am with the MSIL. Evidently she has encounter rude CSIL and her children and has decided to put her foot down. Her rules were not unreasonable for children between 7-10. Actually my 4 year old could obey all the rules.
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Old 10-12-2006, 06:41 PM
 
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That's funny. I think I'm more mainstream than crunchy, and I side with CSIL (to the extent that I side with either of them...which isn't much, actually). I don't care if MSIL is rich. I don't even care that much about rules, as such. I just don't like someone sending out an email that, imo, says "I don't like the way you parent, and I can't stop you at home, but you will parent the way I want you to while you're in my house".
Actually a lot of people here on mothering do this. They will not let their mainstream relatives (I use the term mainstream loosely) discipline their children the way they sit fit in their home, nor will they serve food they may eat, or provide entertainment their children may enjoy (like TV). I've also read where the relatives weren't allowed to bring certain kinds of toys to their house as well.

I see such a double standard here.
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Old 10-12-2006, 06:43 PM
 
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Ew, this is the first time I read the OP. I don't think I'm necessarily on CSIL's side, but I am CERTAINLY not on MSIL's side. Yeesh. She sounds like a real *joy* to be around. I wouldn't go on that trip with kids (or without kids, for that matter) for all the money in the world. Something that rigidly scheduled just does not sound fun to me, and I would not have someone else forcing me to leave my children with nannies or make them go to bed at a certain time. But then, I have a problem with authority figures.
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Old 10-12-2006, 06:45 PM
 
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Oh, and just to add:

We take a family vacation ea. yr. with my BIL and SIL and their kids (among other family members)--we all split the cost of a big beach house. And they are the rudest people EVER!

My SIL reads the whole time while her kids shriek and run amok. She won't do dishes or clean up. BIL will if asked directly. They put their trash on the counter ABOVE the trash can if the trash is full. They send their kids (ages 3 & 7) down to the beach with instructions for *us* to watch them. The 3 yr. old tried to push my son down a flight of stairs this year.

They don't bring toys for their kids, yell at my kid for not "sharing" (i.e. not handing over the toy he's using), allow their kids to smear allergens all over his toys and roll their eyes if I say anything about it.

They yell and threaten the entire week. They leave the house to go down to the beach...w/out their kids. And when asked, "Who's watching your kids?" They just shrug, "I don't know. Isn't there an adult at the house?" Meanwhile, everyone else as at least 2 kids and tends to them closely--adding another 2 kids is a big imposition--especially these kids!

It sucks. They suck. I hate it and we're not going anymore (no one is, really). But I would never, ever, ever, in a million years send out the kind of email that MSIL sent out. I just think it was just about the cruelest way to handle that situation.

So, I *do* understand MSIL's frustration to a degree. I just HATE the way she handled it.

eta: And compared to my SIL/BIL's behavior, CSIL seems like a friggin' dream! :LOL
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Old 10-12-2006, 07:07 PM
 
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Actually a lot of people here on mothering do this. They will not let their mainstream relatives (I use the term mainstream loosely) discipline their children the way they sit fit in their home, nor will they serve food they may eat, or provide entertainment their children may enjoy (like TV). I've also read where the relatives weren't allowed to bring certain kinds of toys to their house as well.

I see such a double standard here.
No double standard, as it was my post. The only thing in your post that applies to me is that I won't allow anybody to hit their child in my house. Other than that, they discipline how they choose, can watch TV (I wouldn't expect people to provide TV if they don't already have one or have cable or whatever, though), bring whatever toys they want. My kids play with toy guns, but they'll be put away when my brother and SIL come over at Christmas, because they don't like them around their kids. If ds1 has friends over, I find out from their parents whether or not they can watch whatever movie ds1 has planned. These people are guests.

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Old 10-12-2006, 07:09 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Geez, that sounds awful, monkey's mom!! I wouldn't want to continue vacationing with people like that either.

Do they have any idea why people are no longer going on the vacation? Are you going to have to make up a story every year to get out of it, or will they just forget about it if it doesn't happen a couple of times?

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