baby bonding with another mama... - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 17 Old 04-13-2003, 11:36 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I am so sad right now. My heart feels so heavy. My dd Hero is 15 months old about. I have a friend who we trade babysitting with. Tonight we are watching their kids, about the same age as mine. Hero loves them. They came to leave the kids and then came after dinner and are now at the movies. Hero clung to them the whole time they were here. She didn't show particular coldness toward us/me, but was just all over them. The kcker, the thing that;s making me cry, she asked to nurse on my friend. : I can't believe it. Is this normal? I am so hurt...
She is generally an outgoing baby. SHe is into other people alot, very interested and freindly. But this just seemed too far to me, ya know? I don't think it would bother me so much if my first dd weren't such a daddy's girl. She has been a daddy's girl since about 6 months and always wanted him when he was home. Would have nothing to do with me. I was prety sensitive about this, but grew to accept it and her. Then with my second I was hoping for a mommy's girl. I know she loves me. I know they both do. Hero and i have a great relationship. She nurses frequently and comes to me for comfort at all times. Generally I feel ok about us. But she is very attatched to this friend, and tonight just pushed me over the edge. I have never seen another baby act this way. It just feels like I give so much and do so much, and love doing it, but still don't have an 'attached' girl. Part of me says 'count your blessings'. Dh and I can go out without much of a fuss , most of the time. I get a free hand whenever grandma, or anyone she knows, or anyone she barely knows is around. But I feel hurt inside. I can't help it. I feel like I've messed up in some area I don't even know about. What do the parent's of these attached babies do different? Babies who don't leave mama's side until they're 3 or 4? I do so much. I love her so fiercly. I just hope she knows how much...
Thanks for listening...am I alone? Is anything wrong with her? with me? with us?
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#2 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 12:51 AM
 
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okay, this is how i see it.

you have provided your daughter w/an excellent foundation, and she feels safe enough w/her relationship w/you, to spend time w/others. her wanting to nurse the other mom (which would make me fiercely jealous too), is just her way of telling the other woman (hehe, the "other woman") what makes her feel good. what a great mom you must be that she feels secure enough to share this w/her!!

while i would be feeling the same way as you (and please believe me, i was so pleased after reading your post that my son hasn't done this), it only means that you are fulfilling her needs!

please pat yourself on the back for a great job! you are raising a delightful, independent, self-confident, self-assured little girl. wtg!!

amy
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#3 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 04:38 AM
 
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I agree with Amy, it's not what you're doing wrong, but what you're doing right. She must be very attached to you to be so outgoing and independent. I'm sorry you feel rejected. You're doing a great job! Incidentally, did your friend nurse her? How did that work if she did?
Lauren
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#4 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 11:31 AM - Thread Starter
 
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No she didn't nurse her. That would have really killed me.
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#5 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 04:46 PM
 
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((((((2much2luv))))))

You have email.
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#6 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 04:54 PM
 
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oh

that would have killed me too.. I guess as a WOH mama I feel really sensitive about dd liking others.. especially women. I am more jelaous with her than with dh

but I have to second/third what others said about you doing a great job with your dd.

when I get home and on weekends, Ana just clings to me. (not that I mind) I often feel bad because I feel like I am hurting her by going to work during the week (even though dh stays home with her, and I know she gets the best care, I just wish I was here with her) I feel like I am making her less secure, etc, etc. so to me, it sounds like you have a dd who is 100%+ completely secure with you. and it is a good thing

does this make sense?

I think we as mothers need to be easier on ourselves.. can you tell I'm insecure with my WOH?

best of luck!
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#7 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 04:57 PM
 
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My daughter was always a daddy's girl. I only nursed her for 6 months because of problems from birth and she never seemed to care one way or another! I tried to count my blessings, as you said, that I could always get a break as soon as daddy came home, but it still hurt. Now she is 4 yo and she and I just came back from a mommy/daughter trip to NY. Things will change as your daughter grows up and she will have different needs that you can fill later on. Try not to take it personally now and make it an issue (though it doesn't sound like you are doing that.)

My second child was a son who was very much *my* baby. Nurturing him reminded me of what I was missing with my daughter and so I reached out to her right at a time when she was ready to reach to me also.

So it gets better.
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#8 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 05:44 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks ladies. I feel alot better hearing all this. I just assume the worst instead of the best; that I am a bad mama and she hates me, blah blah blah...

{{{{{Whitney}}}}}}
I still love you.
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#9 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 06:49 PM
 
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I just wanted to add that my friend's dd, around your daughter's age, has tried to pull up my shirt a few times and has tried to lay back in the nursing position when I was holding her.

I don't take it very seriously, and her mom (my friend) just laughs or says "good luck!" (I'm not lactating ) - the daughter seems to like everyone, and while we have a relationship, I don't think we have an terribly strong bond - nothing to compare to their mother/child bond. I assume she's just curious, likes nursing, maybe recently noticed other women have breasts, and she isn't clear on the social rules - that nursing usually only happens with mothers.

I don't have kids yet (1st expect in Nov. 2003!), so I don't want to say I know how that would feel. I just wanted to say I've seen a few other kids do this, too, and know that they had strong, one-of-a-kind loves for their wonderful mamas, and I bet you're little one does, too.
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#10 of 17 Old 04-14-2003, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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YEAH! Thank you so much for sharing that panda! That is what I needed to hear. It has helped hearing everyone telling me 'you're a great mom, she loves you...' But hearing that another child has done this makes me feel TONS better. It is affirming.
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#11 of 17 Old 04-15-2003, 01:26 AM
 
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That breaks my heart that you are feeling badly about this. I just wanted to point out that evolutionarily (is that a word? : ) speaking, it is only recently that children have nursed exclusively from their mothers. It used to be that people lived in tribes and shared child-caring responsibilities, which included breastfeeding each others' babies. I know moms who have swapped babysitting with other bf moms, so that their child could be bf, rather than be given a bottle, while she was gone. I actually nursed another mom's babe once. It was a very sweet lovely experience. She had a low supply and was needing to leave to get more milk, but did not want to. My dd was refusing to nurse, because she was too busy. I was needing to leave, because I was so full and uncomfortable, but I didn't want to. So we helped each other out.

Its only natural for your dd to notice other women have breasts and that they also nurse their babies. Its part of exploring the world and how it works. Lots of love, mama, you're doing a great job!

SMC to Sophia, age 15, and Eleanor, age 9, and mother hen to too many nursing students to count!

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#12 of 17 Old 04-15-2003, 12:49 PM
 
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He is 10 months old and he tries to nurse anyone and everyone! It is usually only when he is upset and he'll attempt to "assume the position" with whoever is holding him -dad, grandma, grandpa, etc. Since I assumed it was just a kneejerk reaction on his part to nurse when he is upset, it never really bothered me, although it has caused a few giggles with everyone else. :
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#13 of 17 Old 04-15-2003, 06:37 PM
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I was in public once and happened to be near-by when this little girl of about 2 or 3 tripped and got hurt. I was sitting on a bench and she immediately got up and got under my shirt and was trying to get my bra down. It happened so fast i didn't even register what was going on at first. I think I was only 15 at the time, so I was a bit embarrassed, but not shocked because I grew up with mom's bf'ing all around me.
Thankfully the mom was more embarrassed than angry. Her dd was hanging on tight to my shirt screaming and kicking. I think it took her a moment before she realized it was her mom trying to get her lol!

On another topic, when I was a baby and my mother HAD to work/leave, i had a wet nurse. I remembering nursing, and I remember my sister, so I had to have been at least 3 yrs old. I know I didn't love her the way I love my mom, and I don't remember bonding with her, just getting what I needed/wanted and that was about it. The only funny thing is that my mom didn't tell me that. I happened to bump into this woman when I was 18 yrs old and gave her a hug, and when I smelled her, I instantly had this memory of nursing on her. Of course i was too embarrassed to ask the lady, but when i asked my mother, she said yes, that was your wet nurse.

Both my dd's have nursed on my sisters, either by accident or when I wasn't there. My younger sister bf my baby when I had mastitus (sp?), I didn't know what was wrong with me and I was afraid of giving my little baby something, but it turned out to be mastitus and it's fine to bf. Still scary, though, and I am thankful to have a lactating sister to help me out. Not easy to bf when you're puking your insides out lol!
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#14 of 17 Old 04-15-2003, 06:43 PM
 
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all babies/toddlers/kids/grown-ups are all so very different.

i have two boys: my oldest would go to anyone when he was small. he loved seeing new people and new places. he never cared one way or the other if i was in the room or not.

my second boy: never lets anyone but me or my husband hold him. he hates strangers and strange places. he even doesn't warm up to friends or family.

i raised them both the same.

we all have different needs when it comes to being outgoing or not.

i do understand what you mean though. but i think is mostly just personality
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#15 of 17 Old 04-15-2003, 07:03 PM
 
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mama, i am so sorry you feel sad about this - i have nursed friends' babies, with the mamas' permission, of course, and felt that it made our tribe stronger, more community for the kids. Just my own experience. love to you.
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#16 of 17 Old 04-15-2003, 07:04 PM
 
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I sooooo agree with sleepies. Its not what those other mama's did (to get their dc's "more" attached), its what those dc are like. Some people are born to be independant. My dd's have never clung to me, rejected the family bed, and never have made a fuss about me leaving. Does that mean I don't feel attached to them? No. I feel that I have been blessed with two independant little girls and I love them so.
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#17 of 17 Old 04-15-2003, 10:52 PM
 
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Your baby seems really sweet. It sounds like she just loves this person and wanted to share something with her that she really enjoyed. Or perhaps she thoiught she could double her nursing time if she could find dsomeone else to share :mischeif hehehe :LOL I wouldn't put it passed some kids. Don't feel bad(although I probably would ) It just sounds like she has a lot of room for love in her heart.

The truest answer to violence is love. The truest answer to death is life. The only prevention for violence is for the heart to have no violence within it.  We cannot prevent evil through any system devised by mankind. But we can grapple with evil and defeat it, but only with love—real love.

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