what makes an attached parent? - Mothering Forums
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#1 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 03:21 AM - Thread Starter
 
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is it the sling, the co-sleeping, the cloth diapers?

when my son cries, i pick him up. we nurse, we talk, we play. i carry him as much as i can. i can't afford all the fancy bits, but i love my little man and do my best to keep him happy.

i'm curious as to how much the rest of you do and what you consider 'attached parenting'. i'm not sure if i qualify, but like i said, i love my son. it seems to me that i disagree with a lot of the things people on this board say/do as part of their lifestyle, and that's fine. what works for me doesn't have to work for you. i just want to know if i actually fit in here.

it is my impression that attachment parenting just means being with your child as much as you can. am i wrong about this?

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#2 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 06:22 AM
 
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I would definitely say that you are AP. Dr. Sears even says - AP in a nutshell is just being responsive to your child's needs. Many people I know that AP have never even heard the term - they just follow their instincts. Everyone I know that I define as AP breastfeed but I think you could still be AP & not bf. Slings & co-sleeping are great but only if they work for your family. My son hates the sling and I discovered recently - sleeps better in his own bed. I only know one other person that cloth diapers though all my friends AP. I think the biggest difference between AP & other parenting mthods is that the child's needs are the focus instead of the parents'.

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#3 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 09:59 AM
 
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I agree with FirstTimeMom... AP is being responsive to your child's needs... it isn't about a list of "do's and don'ts" It's being in tune with them! That's what I love about AP, there is a set of rules you HAVE to follow!
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#4 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 10:40 AM
 
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Yep, I agree with all of the above. A natural lifestyle (healthy food, cloth dipes etc) doesnt have much to do with it, but I have noticed that natural family living and AP goes hand in hand. I think being in tune with your childs needs is the most important. My dd HATES slinging, I would be very unAP if I forced her in it. Some people can't breastfeed, that doesnt mean they are any less attached to their kids. On the 8 pillars of attachmnet parenting, I think the one that truely shows an Ap Parent is the gentle/positve one. Seeing a parent hit or put down their child severely contradicts the AP philosophy imo. Of course we all have our off days, but the ones who scream and spank and refuse to acknowlege there is a different way to discipline are definantly not AP.

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#5 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 01:01 PM
 
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I agree with what everyone said so far. in fact, the only reason why i am here at MDC, was because another mom on another board PM"d me and recommended this place. Until i came here, i had no idea, that anything i was doing would be considered AP, in fact, i didnt know what AP was! i breasfed, coslept, carried my babies until my arms and back ached. i respond to each of my children as individuals, what works for my one child doesnt work for my other. i switch gears a million times a day to meet those needs. i gentle discipline and didnt know that either.

however, i am a bit different than alot of my fellow MDC'ers
I am an epidural loving rightwinger, wannabe homebirther, wannabe cloth diaperer.

edited to add: i now eat 3 vegetarian meals a week, eat organic veggies, and hug the occasional tree.
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#6 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 01:22 PM
 
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I really don't care for labels, but I think an attached parent puts the childs needs first. They are responsive to the needs of the child and is willing and able to adjust their ideas of how to do something based on the childs response. They also recognize what works for one child may totally backfire for another child.

I don't think I had heard the term 'AP' until I came here, but I just did what felt right for my dd and my family and learned that I am pretty 'AP'.

An example- my dd would probably have been considered 'high needs' but I didn't know that b/c I had never heard the phrase. What I did know is that she was fine if I was holding and nursing her and mad as heck if I wasn't. I discovered the joys of the sling when she was 8 weeks old and she loved it. DH had a hard time when he watched her b/c he would end up walking her around the room for as long as I was gone or keeping her occupied at the park or whatever (when she was a little older).

My ds is the opposite. He's very laid back. He's not much of a cuddler and never really has been. He tolerates the sling, but never really loved it like dd did. Most of the time he prefers being in the stroller if we're out and loves being in the swing (which he's almost too big for) for naps. It seems most moms here try to avoid the swing and the stroller, but my ds loves them, so I'm responding to his needs.

Bottom line- if you're responding to what your child needs and going with your gut (instead of what everyone tells you to do), I think that makes you attached.

Michelle -mom to Katlyn 4/00 , Jake 3/02, and Seth 5/04
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#7 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 01:35 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by lucina3
I agree with FirstTimeMom... AP is being responsive to your child's needs... it isn't about a list of "do's and don'ts" It's being in tune with them! That's what I love about AP, there is a set of rules you HAVE to follow!
Totally agree with this.
Our middle child was not responsive to cosleeping, being held all the time, nursing (he was adopted), etc. I worked to be responsive to his needs and I believe we have a wonderful special bond.
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#8 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 03:35 PM
 
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Without reading the other responses, here's my definition...


An attached parent is one who listens to the cues of their children and does their best by those babies. An attached parent is one who understands their kids' cries, grunts, and groans and is able to fix the problem. Attached parents use their instincts to parent and don't Ezzo or Ferberize their children.

Attached parents are parents who do the best for their kids and family.

I didn't say that as eloquently as I'd like.
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#9 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 03:54 PM
 
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Well said Kater
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#10 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 06:20 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by sweetbaby3
i am a bit different than alot of my fellow MDC'ers:
I am an epidural loving rightwinger, wannabe homebirther, wannabe cloth diaperer.

:LOL

I think all of us have *something* about us that is not totally "MDC". I'm the "gimmee a c-section or gimmee death" poster child! But I love our homebirthin' mamas SO much!

I think there is a clinical definition of "attachment" from a child psychology POV, and that probably defines what attachment is, but how you get there is something each parent does a bit differently.

teapot2.GIF Homeschooling, Homesteading Mama to DD ('02) and DS ('04)  ribbonjigsaw.gif blogging.jpg homeschool.gif

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#11 of 14 Old 04-16-2003, 06:56 PM
 
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I think of AP tuning into the needs of your child, and respecting and responding to those needs appropriately.

I think of peaceful/natural birth, bf, slings, co-sleeping, gentle discipline, child-led weaning, as TOOLS to connect with your child and meet those needs IF it works for BOTH you and the child.

Golden
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#12 of 14 Old 04-18-2003, 04:43 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Well, I feel a bit better about that now I just needed it cleared up. I'm co-sleeping by accident: I decided I was too lazy to get out of bed to nurse at night. :rollseyes And I am hoping and praying that I'll be able to talk my next OB into a C-Section; I was in labor forever and, though I want more kids, I never want to do it "naturally" again. I'm hoping to walk in the door in early labor and have an epidural in my back no more than an hour later. I've got nothing to prove there! *laugh*

Thanks, ladies You've made my night!

Rynna, Mama to Bean (8), Boobah (6), Bella (4) and Bear (2)
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#13 of 14 Old 04-18-2003, 10:20 AM
 
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Eilonwy... :LOL :LOL
I always joked around that i wanted my epidural in my seventh month....As far as me cosleeping, i was "lazy" too! i swear i was to exhausted to leave the bed, so they slept with us! See, your not alone! and neither am I!!
Piglet, i am crushed you didnt have a homebirth, that you are a c-section beggar
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#14 of 14 Old 04-18-2003, 10:28 AM
 
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Just wanted to add that I asked the very same question when I first came here. I'm sure I am MUCH more mainstream than a lot of the mamas here, but in my circle of friends and family I am considered ultra-crunchy! It's all relative, I guess.

I get sort of aggravated when I see people adhering to a parenting "philosophy", AP included. What I mean by that is, if you are parenting by a book, whether it's by Sears or Ezzo, I think that interferes with responding to your child in an intuitive and personal way. I thought I was AP until I started coming here, then I started thinking "Hey, I don't wear Cole 24/7, we only *sometimes* co-sleep, I bottle feed, etc. etc." and I found that really was beginning to interfere with my ability to relate to him and respond to him like I had been doing. I found myself thinking, "What would be the most AP way to respond" instead of "What does MY baby need from me RIGHT NOW?" Luckily I recognized this pitfall for the ugly mind game that it is and was able to stop second-guessing myself so much, and I can still come here, LOL. I hope this makes sense - I didn't get much sleep last night.
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