How do you not get hypersensative? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 04-16-2003, 11:24 AM - Thread Starter
 
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How do you NOT get hypersensative about your child's development? I have such a hard time with it when I see children the same age or younger doing things DS is not yet doing - crawling, eating solids (don't have a clue as to why on this one), entertaining themselves, saying more consonants, whatever... I *try* to keep in mind that everyone develops at their own rate & I know that DS is doing just fine - my ped doesn't say anything about it to make me feel bad, though there used to be this nurse who would show me the development charts and ask me about all these minute cognitive skills that he's *supposed* to have. Before I started going out more, I wasn't worried at all, and he used to be at the head of the charts cognitively. He seemed to have plateaued in large part for a couple of months there, though. We have had some interruptions, so I suppose it's perfectly understandable that he would be behind especially in the area of physical ability. I guess I'm not looking for answers about specific skills, because I know that not everyone crawls, and that there's plenty of room for things to be at differring times from child to child, but how do I just RELAX about it?

anna kiss partner to jon radical mama to aleks (8/02) and bastian (5/05)
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#2 of 12 Old 04-16-2003, 03:22 PM
 
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I wonder if the lack of replies means everyone else is hypersensitive about it, too?? My first isn't due until November, so I have no advice. Just wanted to bump your thread back up since I wonder about this in advance. A friend and I will have our babies and about the same time, and I'm thrilled to share this experience with someone, but I already feel like it's so easy to compare everything. What we're eating and feeling, what kind of practitioner we're choosing, how much we're showing (or not showing yet, in my case , I know it's early, but I'm jealous of her beautiful belly!)

So, sometimes I wonder if we'll be comparing babies all the time after they arrive.

Well, I guess this no-help post is long enough already!
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#3 of 12 Old 04-16-2003, 03:36 PM
 
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I often wonder if we can't HELP but compare. How many times do we talk excitedly to other moms about what little Johnny is up to? I don't think it's necessarily competitiveness - these steps ARE exciting and we want to share and sometimes those without kids just don't get why something as simple as rolling over is such a huge deal to us.

I also think that, as mothers, it is our lot in life to worry about our kids. We love them, we want to protect them, and so we are sensitive about the slightest thing that might suggest something is wrong.

It is true, even if it doesn't bring much comfort, that each baby progresses on his/her own schedule and has their own talents. I'm sure your baby is fine, and it's normal for you to feel this way!

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#4 of 12 Old 04-16-2003, 04:12 PM
 
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I think Mama's will worry about everything and while we should not compare, well, we still do. Especially, for me, when they were really little.

For me I just wanted to make sure my babies were "OK" When your kids are bigger it is easier to see that they are physically ok (I don't care at all if they are physically adept, you are what you are) but I was worried about there being "big" problems and when they are so little you are sort of in wait and see mode and I found that hard. Now I know that problems can still arise but I just am more comfortable with dealing with things. Can't really explain it.
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#5 of 12 Old 04-16-2003, 05:01 PM
 
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For me it was a first kid thing Along comes #2 and I have no idea where he is on the chart, what he's supposed to be doing, whether he's advanced, behind, whatever. Who cares? He's cute! :LOL
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#6 of 12 Old 04-16-2003, 05:50 PM
 
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I am so the same way in the worrying about milestones department. I know I'm being irrational and silly, my dh helps me to combat the evil voices in my head, but still my pea brain worries on. When dd was first born I had a mantra of, if I love her she will be okay. So, I keep repeating that...I love her dearly and she will be okay, whether she becomes a rocket scientist or the best darn bean counter there is (no offense to anyone - please understand my theme).

So, I love my baby.... (I'm repeating the mantra as I type
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#7 of 12 Old 04-17-2003, 02:59 AM
 
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I think that the studying I had to do for my degree (Family and Child Development) plus 10+ years in the ECE profession has beaten the competative/comparer out of me.

For one thing, I know that most parenting books are full of absolute unadulterated crap as far as the 'spread' of what kids should be doing cognitively/developmentally. There are even some pedatricians I've met that are overly alarmist (or not enough). For another, I have seen so many kids that were 'slow' in my lifetime that were absolutely brilliant, just needed some time to come out of their shell. And kids who were 'ahead' but by the time they were school age some major problems started arising that needed to be dealt with but *weren't* because their families were so proud of the 'bright' status that they couldn't or wouldn't see the problems. Most kids are just fine and develop on their own timelines. Some kids get unfairly penalized and unfairly compared because people think they're younger/older than they are (due to size) and treat them accordingly.

Except for my circle of closeknit internet friends, I don't really have many other moms in my circle. Because I don't have as much investment in friendship as far as the really competative/comparative moms I DO know, when they start playing that game, it's easy for me to ignore. Though if anyone ever started criticizing my child (and they were totally off base) they would be out of my life SO fast! Our family leads a slow, uncomplicated life...I just don't relate to people who push push push or need to be the best in everything. (Just wait, one of my kids will probably have an inborn trait that makes them do this--eep!) I think it's easier for me to shrug things off because I know better than most people who think of children as some sort of developmental race or praise-winning devices (esp. if they're just getting their info out of parenting magazines...you guys know the ones I'm talking about). I love keeping up with the latest brain research, ect...but I know how to translate that into RL, and not get bogged down on what part of the scale my little girl is.

I think eventually that if you're confident in your child, and you decide that you'll let her grow at her own pace that you'll either grow a thicker skin as far as other people looking at her/him in that way, or you'll grow very impatient with people with a competative agenda. Or probably both. It's okay to worry about your kid...who doesn't?!?! Just try to worry about them in the context that you notice something is 'off' about them, that they're slowing down or having some difficulties in certain areas, ect...contextualize it to THEM, not to other children. I know that's hard to do, but it can be done.
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#8 of 12 Old 04-17-2003, 03:59 AM
 
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Annakiss
I used to worry a lot too. Gabe didn't crawl until he was 12 months, and he didn't walk until he was 18 months. He is consistently late physically, yet he is fine, healthy and intelligent. I think it is others comments that make us worry (you mean he isn't CRAWLING yet????!!!!!)- you just have to block them out. I still worry about Gabe being such a little guy (he is very low weight and height) but generally I try not to focus on this and concentrate on his mental development, which is more important I think!!!!!!

One more thing, I know you realise this already, but each kid has his/her own timetable when he comes to acheiving milestones. And I have heard and read that kids that crawl/walk late are generally more intelligent- probably crap, but I like to believe it!!!!

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#9 of 12 Old 04-17-2003, 03:12 PM
 
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I am the opposite. I could care less! I mean, Goo is an infant. She has barely been outside of my body as long as she was inside my belly. So far, she has learned how to breathe, eat, play, clap, sit...all things we take for granted. She needs to develop at her pace. I see other kids who are more advanced....and I don't worry about it. One friend has twins. Her daughter started crawling at 6 months! Her son just figured it out at 10 months. Goo is just starting to figure it out. I find it exciting to watch them learn and develop.

I guess I am an odd ball here. I don't worry about it, I just love to watch it!
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#10 of 12 Old 04-17-2003, 03:42 PM
 
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I agree with the first baby thoughts. I have no clue where my dd should be as a second child. I just had more time with my first.

I loved being a new mom. All of the milestones my child went through were so amazing to watch. I got quite caught up in it all and was impatient for the next one to happen. What they learn and how they do it is so refreshing to experience.

Enjoy your babe!
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#11 of 12 Old 04-21-2003, 04:24 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Alex is crawling (for the most part)! I feel so much better about it now : . I realize that he'll get better as he goes & that it's not a big deal to do it later... I just think too much about these things sometimes.

Thanks so much for your responses!

anna kiss partner to jon radical mama to aleks (8/02) and bastian (5/05)
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#12 of 12 Old 04-21-2003, 05:57 PM
 
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Forgive me if I'm repeating - didn't have time to read the whole thread!

I also think it's a first-time mom thing...I found myself mentally comparing dd to other babies a lot myself. It was something I did more before she was walking, because there are so many milestones between birth and walking, KWIM? Rolling over, sitting up, crawling, first words, etc. - lots to compare.

Try not to look at those charts, unless you can find one with huge ranges of normal - like walking anywhere between 9 and 18 months is considered normal. Also, a lot of those charts are old and were created when babies slept face down, so they developed skills such as rolling and crawling at an earlier age. And keep in mind that as long as your son is progressing, it doesn't matter if he's the last one in the playgroup to crawl or wave hi or whatever. All kids learn to do these things, and once they are about two, you won't even remember who did what first because they all catch up!

As far as those "plateaus" - totally normal! I always noticed my daughter developing in spurts - like she'd stay the same for a month, and then within a week she would acquire ten new skills and seem like a totally different child. Once a child masters a new skill, they tend to focus on practicing it, and the other skills sort of fall by the wayside for a while. My dd was a very early talker, but tended to be on the other end of the normal range for gross motor skills.
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