Sex, porn, abuse-what my 6yo DD was exposed too... - Mothering Forums

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Old 04-18-2003, 01:39 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Ok, my title makes it sound worse than it is, but it was bad enough.

My 6yo is quite nieve for her age, alot more innocent than many of her peers. She has seen us nude so the nude body does not equate sex to her. When she was 4yo and we used our computer in the living room, DH was downloading "Shrek" for her (I think, it was a kids movie though) and on the screen came a porn, she saw a few seconds of oral sex as we screamed and scrambled. He never downloaded with her awake again, and screaned all movies first. I discussed it with her and she did see something but she didn't seem phased except for the fact we flew off our behinds hitting the computer off. She soon forgot the incident. Whew! We keep communication about all these subjects open. (BTW, we were not downloading any porn on purpose, it happens on those "sharing" servers sometimes!!)

Fast forward to last week. I work nights, Dh, DD, and DS fall asleep with tv on, it was HBO. He was watching a movie like we often do before bed. Usually when she is home he watches cartoons with her (I am the only tv restrictive parent lol). Well, they all knocked out around the time I went to work (10pm). When I came in at 4 am, DD was awake, watching tv, I was changing to get to sleep when I noticed the movie looked peculiar-I hit the button to see the name of the movie-my fears were true, it was called "Diary of a sex addict" and had just started. So I asked her what it was about and I was sickened. She said the lady wanted to do sex with the man and she tried but he beat her up. I asked what sex was-she said "When a girl and boy love each other alot and the girl gets naked and kisses all over him and stuff-something I NEVER want to do" Whoa! Where did you learn this? "TV and radio". Yes, she really said this.

So we had a long talk. I explained that sex is between 2 adults who feel love for each other (no big details the whole exact process is too much for her) and that beating up is NOT a part of it and never acceptable. I also asked her why she didn't wake Daddy to shut it off. "Cause he is grouchy when you wake him up!" So when he was up we spoke with him and he explained it's ok to wake him up for that reason. She asked why people make these movies. We told her b/c some people watch that stuff, but we don't, we think it is not nice etc. She just was shocked that people make it on purpose!

I felt so bad but it really didn't seem to affect her too much. She handled it maturely and I learned thatshe is picking up more than I knew in certain areas. I am sooooooo glad I havea relationship with DD where this can happen and we can discuss it and deal. She is not afraid to talk to me about sex or the awful crap she may see on tv. I hope it lasts and this never happens again!
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Old 04-18-2003, 01:51 PM
 
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Way to go mama!

I think you handled it splendidly.

My feeling is that it is OUR reaction that gives kids the "heads up" that something is "not right" alot of the time. Like when you and DH ran to stop the downloading porn. I know I would probably have done the same thing. Now I'm going to try to remind myself if that ever happens to try to act naturally so DD isn't "clued in" that this is one of those "forbidden" things.

I think it's wonderful that you were so honest and open with her and that she felt she could ask and answer your questions. Great job!

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Old 04-18-2003, 04:12 PM
 
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Great response to a tricky situation, bebesho2! While it probably wasn't the window of opportunity that you would hope for, it was still a chance to communicate your values with your daughter.

I know that my Mom was as open as she could be about sex, but talking about it was always awkward. But at least she was able to communicate better than my in-laws. The first sex talk that my FIL had with dh was right before our wedding, and my dh was 37!

Not that my in-laws didn't communicate their rigid, stifling views on sex!

I hope I'm able to do as well as you did, bebsho2!
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Old 04-18-2003, 04:17 PM
 
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I think you handled this very well.

I stayed at a very nice hotel a few weeks ago when at a conference. I turned on the TV one night and there was an HBO show about strippers, which in essence was a video of live performances. Good grief, I had no idea that's what HBO is about these days. So very glad we don't have cable--the stuff on network TV is bad enough.
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Old 04-18-2003, 06:05 PM
 
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She's going to be fine - you did a great job. My dad and I were hiking on a ridge above the ocean one time when I was about 7 or so. We were looking down onto the beach below, and we saw these two people, but at first couldn't figure out what they were doing. So we were looking intently, and imagine my dad's horror when he realized (at the same time I did) that it was two guys, totally naked, giving each other blow jobs. I am not at all scarred from the incident. In fact, I remember it humorously.

My parents were actually fairly loose about sex on tv, but absolutely no violence or intense scary stuff (Jaws, Aliens, etc.). I mean, we didn't watch Diary of a Stripper of 9 1/2 Weeks or anything, but if a movie happened to have a mild sex scene or some nudity they had no problem with us seeing it. I don't remember any big explanations from them, but I'm sure they answered any questions we had. It was important to them that we not feel uptight and repressed about nudity and appropriate sex.

By appropriate, this is what I mean: My dad would not let us watch Three's Company. He hated that they always used sex in a manipulative way, and didn't want us exposed to that. So even though there was no nudity or actual sex scenes, he took way more offense to us seeing that, then he did if a couple ended up in bed together in one of the movies we were watching.

This is kind of the approach I plan on taking. It's really a case by case basis, I think. A movie in which a woman is getting beat up or raped, no way. But I don't think I would freak out about the sex scenes in say, oh, Top Gun for instance. (Unless there's something I'm not remembering. . . )

Of course, my ds is only 2, so I may absolutely change my mind when he gets a little older!
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Old 04-18-2003, 06:36 PM
 
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Thank for sharing...At least I'll know now how to handle situations like this one in the future..
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Old 04-18-2003, 09:13 PM
 
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I think you did great
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Old 04-21-2003, 11:59 AM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks all!! You make me feel better! She hasn't brought it up but once since, all seems well.
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Old 04-21-2003, 09:25 PM
 
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I think you handled it very well.

Just as an FYI, if you have DirectTV or the DISH or something other than basic cable, then many of them have rating restrictions on them. I am in CA and we have DirectTV. I have an 11 y/o step daughter and we have her rating restriction set at PG-13. The reason...same as you, she can be watching a perfectly acceptable show and then the very next thing is straight on SOFT PORN. The way the lock works is when DH and I are watching TV and she isn't around we just un-lock it for all shows. When she is there we unlock it for ONE SHOW at a time. That way if something is on (that is Rated R that we have seen before and think is okay) once that show is over if the next show is worse than pg-13 the TV automatically cuts out and just shows a black screen. With out the code she can't get it to come back on.
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