how were you raised? - Mothering Forums

View Poll Results: How were you raised?
Very AP (almost all elements of what's considered AP) 9 4.64%
Some AP (some elements of what's considered AP) 74 38.14%
What's AP? ( No AP) 103 53.09%
Other 8 4.12%
Voters: 194. You may not vote on this poll

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#1 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 04:41 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Just wondering what kinds of backgrounds everyone here comes from.

The only "AP" thing I think my parents (or shall I say my mom) did was breastfeeding.

Sleeping: I slept in a crib, not sure if I I was made to CIO or not, but probably not given that I was continually sick for the first 1.5 years.

Carrying: don't remember, should ask my mom.

School: went to Public School-- though the school I went to in 2nd half of Kindergarten up through 2nd grade was that alternative school in the district and was pretty "montessori-esque." Does that count?

Discipline: Not terribly gentle, but not too harsh either. I do remember being spanked when I was little. That stopped by the time I was 8. I do remember a lot of yelling, but that also stopped (for the most part) as I got older.

Vaccinations: yep, there were fewer back then. (They may have been delayed though, given my aforementioned illness?)

Diapers: Hey, that's a good question. I think my mom used cloth, but I don't know.
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#2 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 05:25 PM
 
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That's funny...if I think about it..my dad was SOOOOO AP!
My Mom is not a very affectionate person and that's ok with me, I love her dearly and we're such good friends, but she didn't kiss and hug us..I guess it didn't feel comfortable to her.
Anyways, on the contrary our dad was affectionate for both of them. He would even sneak us to their bed at night and Mom would get mad, because there wasn't enough space, so eventually we all had our beds in their bedroom.
My Mom breastfed for a little while only - and well, at taht time there was not disposable diapres, so we walked around in colth and ate home made baby food. But that wasn't an option then...
Dad didn't spank, Mom did..well, she did, when we really deserved and always knew why..
WEll, I think that they complimented themselves perfectly.
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#3 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 05:34 PM
 
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I wrote some AP, but now that I think about it, it was pretty much only breastfeeding. We weren't on strict schedules and we ate pretty healthy for the 70s and 80s (mostly because my parents couldn't afford pre-packaged junk - now that stuff is cheaper than real food).

But they spanked and let us cry in our cribs. And, of course, we had to go to public school since my mom had to work once we were old enough to go to school (when she stayed home with us, we lived in a house w/o running water that we rented for 60$ a month, and we had to borrow money for relatives for groceries). Actually I don't know if public school should be considered anti-ap since it, like daycare, is a non chooseable reality for some parents. Course that is another thread topic.

Definately am going to raise my kids differently, but think my parents did Ok considering how young they were and how VERY NON-AP my dad's parents were.
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#4 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 05:34 PM
 
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My upbringing was about as un-AP as you can get, short of physical abuse. I grew up living with my mom and her parents. Both my mom and my grandfather worked full time so I was mostly raised by my grandmother, and she was very short-tempered and mean. My mom and I got along great but she wasn't there a lot.
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#5 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 05:41 PM
 
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It varied with the kids (there were 5 of us, born over a 15 year span), but:

Breastfeed? Yes, all five. but not for very long with any of them (6 months max I think)

Cloth diapers? Yes, but there probably wasn't much of a choice in the early 60s-mid-70s. She did say she tried to paper diaper me, but I was grossly allergic to them, so she went back to cloth after about 2 weeks

Disipline? With me and my brother she was gentle. With our older siblings, I don't know. Our dad was abusive (but they divorced when I was 1) and my step-dad tried to be a good parent to his step children (me and my 3 older sisters), but I don't think I would call him "gentle". I remember being spanked (more of a single swat) only twice. Once for standing and rocking on the piano bench after being repeatly told not too, and once for kicking my little brother in the head for pestering me. He did holler/yell a lot. He adored my little bother as he was considered his "old-age" baby (he had two adult children and a teen-ager from his first marriage when my brother was born). They are still very close.

School? We all went to public elementary schools, but there were no other real options. In my freshman year of high school, I decided i wanted to go to private boarding school. My mother packed the two of us up and we went (she got a job with the school, so I got free tuition). She stayed for two years (and commuted home on the weekends), then her job ended and part of her severence agreement was that i get to stay for my final year.
t I did know only one family that wasn't Amish/Mennonite that home schooled growing up in our rural community. Their children were younger than me, so this would have been in the early-mid 1980s. They had a terrible time with getting support for the school system, though they did perservere and hs for several years. She eventually put them into public school (three children) when they were older (late elementary-middle school aged). Ironically, she is now a school teacher herself in the same public school I attended.

Sleeping? I don't remember ever sleeping with my parents, but I always slept with a sister until I was about 11 yo. My little brother, I am told, slept with my mother and sf until he was about 3-4 yo.

Vaccs? My mother was a Christian Scientist, so we were never required legally to be vacc'ed. We did have some, as my mother bowed to pressure from sf and the school system, but we were older when we got them (at least the last three of us. My oldest two sister were probably fully vacc'ed, as our father was a DO and I have seen their smallpox vacc marks on their arms).

So, I voted some AP. I think my mothers parenting style changed significantly when she and my father divorced and became, in many ways, more AP. My sf, though he was very loving in his own way and did his best, was never what I would call affectionate. I can count on one hand the number of times we have hugged or kissed in my lifetime (and he has been my sf for 29 years), but that was his style and upbringing I think that didn't allow him to show affection and "weakness"/emotion. I feel more sorry about that than resentment.

Mama to three small people; wife to one big person; pet-person to cats and dogs..."Be the change you want to see in the world"-- Gandhi
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#6 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 06:23 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I should have written the poll to say "What you consider AP," because so many of the "elements" can be interpreted as AP or non-AP.
I am interested in what your perception of how the family you grew up in compares to the family you are raising. Do you lean towards AP because that's what you were raised with? Do you lean toward it precisely because it isn't how you were raised? Stuff like that.
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#7 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 06:51 PM
 
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I voted other.

We were bottle fed on strict schedules, crib slept, CIO, spanked & harshly punished & shamed, told that "children were to be seen but not heard" (and preferably not seen, either). My mother was much less harsh with us, and my father was borderline emotionallly & physically abusive in discipline matters or when he had a temper tantrum. We were cloth diapered, but only because my parents were too poor to afford the new disposables. We went to public school and liked it... private school would have been considered a punishment! We were fully and completely vaccinated on schedule, even me as a 3 lb preemie.

On the other hand, I consider my mother to have been a very naive parent early on, who started trusting her own intuition with each child. She was only 20 and had never lived away from home and had ZERO experience. She did stay home with us until I as the eldest was in Jr. High School - which was FANTASTIC. She encouraged us to PLAY and to use our imaginations ~ which was great. She gave us lots of freedom until Jr. High age when the "law" cracked down again in the form of my father not liking to be challenged by his teenage daughters who started to have their own thoughts on things....

All in all, I'll take the best of my childhood and dump the rest and make sure those good elements are present for my own child.

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#8 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 07:44 PM
 
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Interesting trend here about our fathers inhibiting what would have been our mothers' AP parenting. I do believe it was the case in my family too. . .
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#9 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 07:59 PM
 
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I voted some AP, although definitely leaning towards MORE AP.
My parents divorced when I was very young and I was mostly raised by my mom. When I describe my mom to people I proudly say that she would have made a good pioneer woman. Despite having to return to work full time when I was so little, she made most of our clothes, blankets and toys. She made ALL of our food, growing a good amount of it in the garden, and preserving it. We didn't have tons of toys, instead we encouraged to play outside as much as possible, or inside using our very active imaginations. We were fully vaxed (I come from a long list of pharmacists and MD's) and always had our own rooms (this was important to my mom who never had her own room). As far as managing us, my mom was very understanding and really listened to us. My best memories are if her reading to us everynight, even though she would be falling asleep after a full days work, because it was a special family time. She never belittled us because of our younger age. Our opinion ws as valid as any adults. We attended a super alternative private school, an alternative ps, and a "normal" high school. It is because of my mom's loving example that I parent the way I do today
I consider myself a very lucky daughter.
Jessie
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#10 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 08:48 PM
 
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I was bf for 11 months. My baby book said I started getting supplemental formula at 3.5 weeks. Mom worked and pumped. I got bm and formula throughout the day depending on what she pumped. My bro bf 6 months and sis 8 months, both mixed with formula.
We all coslept with her but not full time.
I think she said she used some cloth diapers on me. I was born while she was in the Navy in Puerto Rico, so I don't think disposables were plentiful. I know she is way impressed with how much better cloth dipes are now. Bro and sis both were diapered in sposies fulltime.
I don't think anything else was AP. My mom left to her own may have been AP but my dad spanked and yelled a lot.

Mom of a 7 yr old, 4 yr old, and 1 yr old. Wow. How did that happen?
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#11 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 09:05 PM
 
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My mom used cloth (not much choice in 1976) and I was breastfed (because it was free ) Beyond that there was no AP whatsoever in my family.
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#12 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 10:09 PM
 
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Tough one. Both my parents are mentally ill and have different competencies. Sometimes things were very very abusive. Other times we did really cool things.

In between yelling, screaming, breakdowns, and beatings not on the kids, they didn't believe in spanking :

They taught us :

about the impact we have on the environment

about recycling (when people were just finding out what it was late 60s-early 70s)

crafts and creative projects are way better than most of the stuff at the store

that is important to know what is going on in the world by reading and viewing many sources even if you don't like what they say

if doing the best you can still doesn't get you where you want to be, then that is okay, you tried

respect the differences in the people around you

surprise car rides (when we had one that wasn't totalled) to any point we picked on the local map

when we were sick, dad would stay up with us and rock us for hours and mom would labor over us so much that we never thought we would get any rest

I guess it is a tough call. They weren't the parents that I wished I had had. The fortunate thing is that my baby sister had a very different experience. The medicine had arrived by then and things were balanced. She also had a sister who was old enough to practically AP her. We are extremely close.
All I know is that my son has already had a wonderful start ,if I don't say so myself.
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#13 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 10:53 PM
 
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I would have to say "no AP" but maybe I should have said some. I don't know. I was breastfed for two months and my mom had a diaper service. I slept in a crib but doubt that they did CIO. My parents agree that what we are doing with our children is better than what they did so at least they've evolved!:LOL

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#14 of 47 Old 04-18-2003, 11:40 PM
 
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I was born at home, breastfed for sure, was in cloth diapers, pretty certain I co-slept at least as an infant, and carried A LOT because I demanded it. I was vaxed, but my mom's a nurse, so I'm not sure what her exact opinions are, though I know she's absolutely against certain vaxes for new babies b/c we discussed how stupid hep B is and chicken pox too...

I went to montessori school for five years before 1st grade when my dad wanted me to go to public school for the diversity - so public school was a political thing for us too. I unschooled my last two years of high school, though it was a bit of a struggle to convince my parents.

I also have a hyphenated last name. Oh yeah! I was named after a Sex Pistols song. My little sister is named Natty Dread after the Bob Marley song.

I now AP which I think is definitely b/c of my parents, though I think DH & I are a bit more radical than they even were, though we've inadvertantly chosen a more traditional path of marriage WAY before baby... We vax very selectively (DS has had one series so far), are planning to unschool, are pretty sure that DS will continue to co-sleep for years to come, we're vegetarian, and we're trying to eliminate chemicals from the house as much as possible. We also hope to one day build or renovate a house to be energy efficient & environmentally friendly. DH is really committed to getting off the grid. My mom is now a midwife herself, so she caught DS at home. We're (I mean, I am, DH is just starting this tradition) 2nd gen APers, homeschoolers, home-birthers, etc. !!! Woo-hoo! Let's hope Alex goes on to make it a 3rd!

anna kiss partner to jon radical mama to aleks (8/02) and bastian (5/05)
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#15 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 12:30 AM
 
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I was bottlefed from day one, disposable-diapered, vaccinated with all that were available, slept in a crib (mostly - although I actually do remember co-sleeping some when I was younger), and my mother tried CIO on the doctor's advice (I wasn't a "sleeper") but found she didn't have the stomach for it.

All that said, I still voted "Some AP" because my mom was (and still is) one of the most attached, loving mothers I have ever known. She suffered much criticism from her family (think Southern - with a capital "S") for giving us too many choices, "babying" us too much, never leaving us.... it impresses me still because knowing her up-bringing, the lack of support, the fact that she was very young, not well-educated, and raising two children under the age of two with a husband who was on a submarine for six months at a time she was a prime candidate for succumbing to the pressure and reverting back to her "programming." And now, when she watches me mother my son, she says she wishes she had had better information so she could have made better choices (especially re: breastfeeding)... personally, I think her tenderness made up for any less than desirable feeding choices she might have made

The most awesome thing is watching her with my son - experiencing that gentleness all over again. It's almost like reliving the best parts of my childhood. I used to dwell on the differences in the way she and I parent(ed), thinking that I had made these choices in spite of the way I was raised, until I realized how many very important similarities there are in our parenting and that many of my different decisions (breastfeeding, etc.) came about as a result of the foundation that she constructed that lead me to always seek out what was best for my baby.

Sorry if that was a hi-jack - I guess I just wanted to point out that AP can wear many different faces...

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#16 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 01:53 AM
 
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I said some AP. My brother was born when I was 10 months old, so I wasn't carried much. I wore cloth diapers because disposables were *very* expensive back then, and I was breastfed for 6 weeks after which I was given solid food because after nursing 8 times *and* drinking 32 oz of formula a day, I was apparently still hungry. The doctor said that if i was taking that much formula, I wasn't getting any breastmilk at all. When she stopped nursing me, i took 64oz of formula! I wasn't even big, just hungry!

I slept in a bassinet until my brother was born, and then I slept in a crib until my brother was too big for the bassinet; then i got a big girl bed. My mom didn't believe in CIO, and I think that if there had been more space between my brother and I that I would have gotten more attention.

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#17 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 01:59 AM
 
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I was cd'ed and bf'ed because that's what everybody did. But not from any ap perspective. I was made to sleep away from my twin sis (2 cribs : ) so they still proudly say how one of us was always cio'ing so mom didn't get any rest

I was spanked but not abused, seen but not heard. My parents did and still do love me and my sibs a lot, but they've always believed and still do that "too much attention spoils the child."
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#18 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 05:27 AM
 
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I voted 'some AP'. We were all breast-fed (for varying amounts of time - but it was a hard thing to do at all in the 70's). I know Mom carried us around all the time and she definitely never let us cry it out, although we did sleep in cribs.

We did go to a mixture of public and private schools growing up, but Mom also supplemented our education at home, and she never worked, so was always there when we were.

My parents did spank us, but not that often - and I think in general, Mom and Dad reasoned with us and used many elements of 'gentle discipline'. I can only remember Mom yelling at us once (and she apologised right afterwards), and I can never remember Dad yelling.

I think my parents are wonderful, and they weren't 'completely' AP by a long shot. It's good for me - helps me to be less judgemental of others' parenting at times. I tend to think that as long as there is a lot of love in the family, that is what ultimately makes the difference for children. And there was loads of love in my family.
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#19 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 12:19 PM
 
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There were nine of us.

Eight were homeborn; one at the hospital b/c she was breech

All bf'd at least one year.

All cloth diapered. I remember hanging the cloth diapers out on the clothesline with my little brother in the summer time when the dryer was broken!

My mom made her own babyfood from organic fruits and sneaked in vitamins and elixiers to make the babe healthy. She always made too much, and they threw up alot.

No vaxes. ( I had a tetanus shot for a dog bite when I was 8.)

We tried to be complete vegans which lasted until I was six. We drank nut milk (almond) which is made commercially now. Then gradually we added raw milk products, then eggs, then chicken from the health food store, then meat(beef), but only on holidays.

My Father remained a lacto-uvo vegetarian, although he seemed to enjoy bacon alot.(?!)

I think it is important to teach children to stay away from certain foods and that others are healthy. This make them secure in making their own choices.

My mom just loved her strollers.

She loved playpens for the children.

She also loved to use spankings and beatings as a discipline. I now realize she was drunk most of the time, and I think all of those vitamins helped keep her healthy despite all of the alcohol. She would go on screaming tantrums and scare all of us and throw things and use our toys to beat us with, especially my brother's hot wheel strips.

My Father always tried to sit down and talk to us. I felt I could talk to him, but he was frustrated often from dealing with my mother, and often took that out on me/us also.

So some AP, but not all; live and learn from others' mistakes.

I have done almost complete AP myself. But it is still a work in progress.

"The great enemy of the truth is very often not the lie, deliberate, contrived and dishonest, but the myth, persistent, persuasive and unrealistic."
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#20 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 12:27 PM
 
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Never breastfed, disposable diapers, my mom did 'stay home'but we were sent to public school and the discipline was harsh.
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#21 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 02:30 PM
 
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I voted mostly AP - I was breastfed for 2 years, 3 months, my brother 2 years, 4 months.

For several months after we were both born we slept in a bassinet in my parents room.

I was cloth diapered after proving in the first week to have horribly sensitive skin and my brother was CD'd only until my mom badly broke her leg when he was 8 months old and she had to rely on others to do much of the work.

Both my mom and dad would take us places with the backpack carrier they had (not a thing done in 79 when I was born or 82 when my brother was born in the rural south).

All of our food was made by my mom - she actually still uses the blender she used with all of our food.

She did get us both vaccinated tho - since researching it for Gavin and telling her some of what I'm finding, she's become even MORE guilty about it than she was before. She heard when I was little about questions about the MMR vaccine and questioned the dr about it, but he "assured" her that they were all totally safe. She was also told that neither of us would ever be able to go to school at all unless we had all the vaccinations given at that point in time.

I don't really think that public schools (provided they are good or there is a choice) are a mark of AP or not, but we went to a mix of public schools and montessori schools depending on what was the best for where we were living. I (very thankfully) got taken out of the montessori school I went to in TX because the teacher was abusive at best, even with parents of students around. The public school I went to afterwards was wonderful, with teachers I loved and still remember.
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#22 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 08:00 PM
 
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Such an interesting thread.

I voted "some AP" although I know my parents didn't know the term AP.

My mom had two drug-free childbirths (though both in hospitals).

I was BF until age 1. My mom stayed home with us for six years (until my sister was in first grade). MUCH wonderful homecooking in our house and we were always included in the process.

My mom told me that they did much research on circ'ing....and that they were strongly leaning towards not circ'ing but then had two girls.


We co-slept as infants but not as toddlers. Throughout my childhood we climbed into bed with my parents every Sat. and Sun. morning for family snuggling (still one of my favorite childhood memories).

My parents were very gentle, but at the same time firm with discipline (if that makes sense). I think their method of discipline was fair. A few spankings here and there but it was rare (I think that was a holdover from their childhoods that they quickly realized they didn't want to perpetuate).

I wore sposies (bummer) and I'm fully vax'd. I was strollered and play-penned but most importantly....

I was showered with love every moment of my childhood!

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#23 of 47 Old 04-19-2003, 09:59 PM
 
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e
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#24 of 47 Old 04-20-2003, 11:35 AM
 
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I was:

born in a hospital with my mom asleep (apparently it was common practice there to knock the mom out so she wouldn't have to feel anything)

bottle fed (no one but the poor breastfed where she lived)

CIO in a crib(oh, yes, it's good for babies to cry a little or sometimes a lot) I do think I slept with them some, but out of convienence)

left with relatives (it's good for babies to be with other people)


gentle discipline (heck no, not a lot of actual spankings, but I remember a few slaps across the face with lots of yelling and shaming, manipulation bribes

Funny, we are totally different, except for the birth part, I wasn't asleep, but totally out of it. It was an emergency birth 2 months early. They still think their way is better. They still say, "You were raised that way and it was just fine. funny, I don't always feel just fine)" As I raise my son, I realize how much better I want to be than how I was raised.

My parents had horrible role models for parenting. My mom's mom died when she was four, so she was passed around a lot. I think that must be why she is so adament that ds gets used to me not being around all of the time. She tells me that if something were to happen to me, he would be devastated. Well, duh, he's supposed to be devasted if something happens to his mommy. I guess she passed some of her "what if" thinking on to me, because I sometimes think about what it would be like if something did happen to me. But, my thinking is that I want to be with him as much as possible and love him as much as possible so that if something did happen, he would know I loved him so very much. Very morbid thinking, nice thing to pass on to your kids

Dad had a terrible childhood also. So, I guess they were working with what they knew. Dh says that is no excuse, I wasn't raised AP either and I knew to make better choices for my family. I'm glad we are doing the best we can for our son
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#25 of 47 Old 04-20-2003, 04:34 PM
 
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Let's see

My mom used Gentle Discipline, which I also use.

My mom did not believe in crying it out (Which I actually didn't stick with. My mom got three horrible sleepers, and I decided that I had to try something different. All I can say is I am very happy and comfortable with my decision.)

I was bottle fed (I breast fed and used child led weaning.)


My mom used cloth (of course). Not me. Of course my mom was horrified tht I had two in diapers, because she thought of cloth diapers as so hard, and I was happy with disposable (sorry AP'ers on this one.)


Went to public school and considered HS briefly until I realized my kids (like DH) were the kind of kids who thrive on the routine and rules of ps. (Plus the one here is really cool.)
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#26 of 47 Old 04-20-2003, 04:45 PM
 
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My poor mom had to have 2 c-sections both of which i think were unnecessary. She was forced to lie strapped to a table while laboring-she tried to b/f me but eventually had me on formula. She did let me cio and I slept by myself. She did raise me with alot of love-stayed home, sewed and made our clothes and toys, baked us fresh bread and spent alot of time with me and my sisters. I think she did not have the resources that we have today and she the best she could. We do often butt heads on our parenting styles-but she is of a different generation. I do turn to her for alot of advice with anna-some is great, some I just take with a grain of salt.

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#27 of 47 Old 04-20-2003, 11:30 PM
 
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Definitely NOT AP! I was bottlefed, started on solids at 4 weeks old, disposable diapered, slept in a crib, CIO, fully vaxed, and spanked, oh was i spanked. i am close to my parents and feel that overall they did a pretty good job with raising me, but i do wish things could have been more ap, and i also wish my parents would respect my way of parenting a little more.
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#28 of 47 Old 04-21-2003, 12:01 AM
 
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My mom breastfed until we drank from a cup ( and "weren't interested anymore.") She used cloth diapers, first with a diaper service and then washed at home.

Both of us children were slept in cribs in a separate room. My mom doesn't remember me ever crying myself to sleep as a baby. She said recently that my sister had a lot of trouble falling asleep and would sometimes cry when she was put in her crib.

My mom didn't believe in harsh discipline, but she practiced it anyway, if that makes sense. A lot of yelling and hitting, even though she didn't set out to do it. I do resent it and think it was abusive. I think my dad spanked me exactly once, in a very formal way.

We were not home-schooled, but nearly every really interesting thing I learned in childhood I learned with or from my mom or my dad. My mom is a great teacher, but was very anxious about my educational achievements. I'm glad she didn't homeschool me!

My dad was and is the warm, affectionate, attached parent and grandparent. He is very huggy kissy and shows love in a lot of ways.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
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#29 of 47 Old 04-21-2003, 12:02 AM
 
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I voted some.

I wasn't breastfed or family bedded, I was left in my crib a fair amount, and on very rare occasions I was spanked, but not enough to even hurt.

However, my parents used cloth diapers, carried me with whatever kinds of carriers they could find (very rare in the late 60s early 70s), spent all their time with me and brought me everywhere (they never took a vacation away from me and very rarely hired babysitters), made my baby food, and more. My mother stayed home with me, sent me to a progressive cooperative nursery school and then sent me to a Waldorf school where she was always very involved in the PTA and, when she went back to work, she always worked part time so she could be there for me when I got out of school.

My mother regrets not breastfeeding me and very much regrets not doing the family bed. She was a slave to books and doctors though, and what Dr. Spock said back then, went.
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#30 of 47 Old 04-21-2003, 10:02 AM
 
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I was bottle fed, cloth diapered (and potty trained at 9 months because she couldn't stand washing diapers). Mom often says that she can count on one hand how many spankin's I got and I always come back with "did you loose the other hand in a war?"

There was ABSOLUTELY no AP in our house. I think that is part of the reason that I love the AP style. I feel so much closer to my children!
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