Lovey = attachment problem? - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 12 Old 04-22-2003, 11:54 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Is this a common AP belief? Upon reading the other thread about a grandmom claiming that a baby *needed* a toy to be attached to, I read many threads in which the moms seem so proud that their children never had a lovey. As if that were proof that they were truly AP parents.

Is that a measure of how well-attached a child is to their parents?

I ask, not to pick a fight, but bcs my daughter has a lovey bunny she carries around a lot. I nurse her as often as she wants - usually once an hour or more- we co-sleep, and follow all the AP tenets. She is 1.5 yrs old.

Does this mean she has security issues? Is she worried about something? Is she anxious? Should I be concerned?

There is a lot of tension in the household right now, and I worry that she is picking up on it now. She has done this for many many months, though, not just now.
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#2 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 12:02 AM
 
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I don't think it's anti AP if your child has a lovey. My first had nothing, my second had a bear AND a blanket, my third had/has a "lovey" (lambswool), fourth has nothing, don't know about fifth yet. All of my kids were APed to the max. Worn, nursed, co slept, the works. All are pretty confident kids. I don't see it as an issue. If anything it was a good thing in case I wasn't around, which wasn't often, but at least they had something to comfort them.

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#3 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 01:10 AM
 
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Yeah. I too dont think having a lovie means non-AP either. Taylor goes through phases of favorites, but always comes back to a little red dog his Aunt gave him when he was born.
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#4 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 01:44 AM
 
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I wish me second would get a lovey already. right now she loves my ears. I wish she had somehting to twiddle. SOmeone suggested a mr. potatoe head :LOL (because they have big ears.) I htink loveys are wonderful. I had one in high school. I think it is no different that having to have a specific pillow in order to sleep.

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#5 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 09:49 AM
 
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My dd has a blankie, and we have AP-ed 100% and are very attached. I think there is not problem at all. Not to speak for anyone else, but the only time I ever think about it is when I see parents that continuously are giving their children "things" instead of themselves to be primarily attached to, instead of giving themselves to be primarily attached to. My dd has plenty of "stuff", but I always tried to make myself her main point of security. I feel like I am making no sense. Your dd is sounds fabulously attached
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#6 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 04:34 PM
 
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I think this is an individual child issue. All people are different, have different likes and dislikes, this includes children. Some children who are AP'd like a pacifier, a lovey, etc.; others don't. I think it's quite possible fewer AP children use loveys than non-AP children, but all children have different needs and as AP parents we need to respond to those needs, not compete for high AP status. JMO

Edited to add that I don't think desiring a lovey (otherwise known as a security object) is necessarily due to an attachment problem. It could just be the child's temperment. My daughter doesn't have one as of yet, but if she starts to have special feelings for a toy or blanket or whatever, I won't discourage it.
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#7 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 06:05 PM
 
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i don't think there's any thing wrong if your baby decises on their own to like one particular thing, like a toy, more than others, or carry it around all the time. i wouldn't call that a "security object" or a "lovey", though.

when i think of the word "lovey", i think of a security object chosen by a parent and put into the baby's life. I am not terribly familiar with it but i think there are books for parents on how to choose a security object for their babes and i do think that is weird. if my baby chooses on his own its one thing, but i will never encourage him to become attatched to "things".

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#8 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 06:23 PM
 
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My dd was also APd (well still is) and she picked her own lovey-- my bra. When my bra was off she'd go and get it for comfort and hold it. It was the silky fabric of it. She also liked a satiny bathrobe of mine, so finally I bought some similar fabric and made her a blankie. She loves her blankie so much. I still lie with her to get her down to sleep, but she needs her blankie as well as her mommy. It's not reflection on anything other than your child being an individual person.

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#9 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 06:25 PM
 
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I agree that having a security object has nothing to do with how attached a child is. My dd has cloth doll that she needs to sleep with, and she has "used" it as a lovey since she was about a year old. It's not just her lovey, though - it's like her friend! She has entire conversations with it and plays very imaginatively with it. I swear, I talk to this thing like it's my second child! It even has a great sense of humor! :LOL

I get a bit upset by threads in which people insinuate that an AP child has no "need" for a security object. I think it really depends on the child.
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#10 of 12 Old 04-23-2003, 06:57 PM
 
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My dd who is 6 still has her lovey. The reason I believe she became attached to her lovey is because we are an AP family. Her lovey is a t-shirt I use to wear to bed, she cosleeped with us and so was use to snuggling against my cotton t-shirts at night. One night I layed her in our bed while I went to spend some time with dh I took off the shirt I was wearing at the time and gave it to her. She LOVED it and still carries it around with her at times. I don't think I would have thought to give her my shirt or she would of have attached herself to it if she did not co-sleep with us and snuggle against it in our sling also.So in my situation being an AP family helped my dd have a lovey. I personally think loveys are great and I do not view them as a substitue for a parents love and attention but they are an extensions of that love. because of the love and nurturing she recieved she felt secure enough at such a young age to go and find something to share that with, even though it was a t-shirt

P.S. Darshani I got the whole t-shirt idea because my dd was also getting attached to my bras and I did not want her to carry it around with her I thought my dd was the only one into bras.
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#11 of 12 Old 04-24-2003, 01:16 AM
 
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Dd did not have anything resembling an attachment object until MIL gave her the famous (I've posted on it before) pink mouse doll this past Christmas. Dd, who only had cloth and wood toys before, was entranced by the cute little plastic face, and plushy body, not to mention the little purple bow at the tip of the tail. She carried the thing around from the minute it came out of the box, and didn't let go of it for 2 months.

At first I wondered if something in her life was lacking, that this thing seemed to fill such a void. But then I watched her with it. Everything I did to her, she did to it. She smothered it's face with kisses, she stroked it's bangs. She massaged it's feet. She wanted it diapered.

Then it hit me: Dd was able to attach to her doll, because she had learned to love. All was fine in AP land.
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#12 of 12 Old 04-24-2003, 11:02 PM - Thread Starter
 
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Thanks for your replies. I have to confess that I was the one who encouraged this particular lovey. When she was 8 mos old or so, I thought it would help her sleep longer if she had a lovey. So I picked out the softest and quietest (no rattles!) animal she had and gave it to her during naps or nighttime.

She does love this bunny. And she diapers it and dresses it. The nurses it herself and brings it to me to nurse. She is oh-so happy when she sees it after an absence of a few hours. And she even lets us wash it in the washing machine! Goold ole "Pat" ("pat the bunny" animal).

And my dd also loves bras!!!! She carried one of mine around the better part of one whole day. How silly it looked, but she just loved it. Had to wear it around her neck.
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