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Old 04-24-2003, 11:05 AM - Thread Starter
 
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One of the other threads (about our own parents not being supportive of AP) got me thinking.

What will you do and how will you feel if your DC grows up to do stuff that's not AP?

I don't think any parent has a gurantee that all of our kids will decided that this was the RIGHT way to do it. Although I know we all hope that our DC will decide so.

One of my co-workers who was raised on a commune in a very AP style, has rejected many AP things (no family bed, no bf'ing, fully vaxed kids...she does gently discipline.) I know she is very close to her parents and from what I can tell they hold their tounge about her parenting style.


Do you think you could do the same????
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Old 04-24-2003, 11:21 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by alexa07
One of the other threads (about our own parents not being supportive of AP) got me thinking.

What will you do and how will you feel if your DC grows up to do stuff that's not AP?
First, I will allow my ds to meet only women (or men, as the case may be) who embrace a natural, gentle parenting philosophy so that if he should fall out of line, his partner will be there to steer him back to the path. Second, we are working overtime on indoctrination and brainwashing... if all goes according to plan, this will never be an issue.

:LOL

Really, I'm not sure. Give him lots of books. Approach him gently, as I do now, in hopes that he will be open to discussion. Try not to hover so he doesn't feel as though I'm constantly passing judgement or trying to show him a "better way" (we must be stealthy about those things). Always treat his children gently and lovingly, in hopes that it will sink in that this stuff actually works. Oh, and breastfeed him until he's six (at least) so he'll remember how important it was to him

I think it would be much easier to deal with my own child embracing a different parenting philosophy than his partner doing the same. I might have to move out of country (or off the planet even) if he marries someone who doesn't want to breastfeed, insists on letting their babies cry it out or leaves them in a baby bucket for hours on end.... I get hives just thinking about it.
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Old 04-24-2003, 12:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Dragonfly

I think it would be much easier to deal with my own child embracing a different parenting philosophy than his partner doing the same. I might have to move out of country (or off the planet even) if he marries someone who doesn't want to breastfeed, insists on letting their babies cry it out or leaves them in a baby bucket for hours on end.... I get hives just thinking about it.
ITA (but then you probably knew that from the other thread ).

Really, I think breastfeeding is the absolute bottom line for me. If ds marries a woman who won't, or if I have a dd and she won't breastfeed, I think my heart will break. I honestly do not know how I would have the strength to refrain from ranting and raving about it.

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Old 04-24-2003, 12:20 PM - Thread Starter
 
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my co-worker, Elizabeth, tells me that every time her mom saw her give her dd's (twins) a bottle, her mom would leave the room to cry!




Bf'ing was very important to me, my mom was really not into it but said nothing. I'm no sure I could do the same.
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Old 04-24-2003, 12:29 PM
 
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What's best for you and your family may not be right for them, when they start their own family. With a loving and supportive childhood they will likely enter parenthood with an even more solid foundation that you did and you might learn a lot from them, even if it surprises you how it looks. Be open to the unknown. And as part of the parenting partnership is not your own kin, you have to respect that where they come from may require a different path. Offer your wisdom, but please let go.

A baby gets much more from parenting infused with love than AP that is purely in form, and practiced out of guilt.
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Old 04-24-2003, 12:46 PM
 
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I truly hope that our ds will choose an emotionally healthy attachable future partner. We believe heavily in brainwashing . We say things like:

"Happy babies get nannies or lucky babies" (this can come back to bite you in the butt when he approaches bottle feeding moms and says "oh, isn't your baby yucky? (he can't say his L's yet)Bottles are not the best for babies, nannies are. "
*note here- He was almost a bottle fed baby, he was for 3 months(very early preemie, very nipple confused, and I was super sensitive about it. I am always worried he will say something to someone like me who was trying to bf, but couldn't. I would of fallen apart if some child said that to me. So, I try to keep him from saying things to bottle feeding mommies)


Kids sleep with their parents, that's where they belong.

Some parents make other choices, smart parents make choices like our families. (boy that does sound bad now that I write it out, maybe we should change that)

That poor baby is crying in her baby bucket, that's so sad. Slings are so much better for the mommy and the baby.
(He said "would you like to buy a sling for your sad baby?)

He knows about the Nestle boycott and tells people in the store why we boycott their products.

So, so far, the brainwashing has taken hold.

But, seriously, I think that all we can do is give them the best home and the best information as they grow and hope they will choose the best. With sons, it is more up to their wife as far as breastfeeding and even birth choices go. I know my mil was very frustrated with me when I told her that I was only going to bf for the "normal" amount of time, about a year. She loves to remind me of that now that it's 4 years and he's still nursing strong. She also was very pushy about me having a natural birth. It turned out that I didn't have any choices, but, I know she was upset with me for most of my early pregnancy. She kept sending me articles on natural birth and extended breastfeeding etc...

So, you can only have so much influence over how things go. Ask my mom. We are making parenting choice that are completely opposite of theirs and she always says "I don't know how you are coming up with all of this craziness, we didn't raise you this way. Too much reading."

I think we can do our best and they will grow to be happy loving parents, who will make some of our choices and some of their own. Some good, some not so good.
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Old 04-24-2003, 01:24 PM
 
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I like the brainwashing idea

I hope by the time my ladies are grown up and have their own babies it will be SO ingrained in them they won't think of parenting differently.

We always talk about "what's best for babies" around here. It comes up naturally when the girls ask about when their Daddy and I will have babies. I'll talk about why we don't need a "cage" (aka crib) and why they won't be able to feed the baby since only Mama has milk etc etc. The girls dont' understand it when they see a baby who's Mama isn't paying attention to them, or see a crib in someone's house, and they cried and cried when my sister let her baby scream himself to sleep - they just couldn't understand why a mama would do that. All 3 girls are naturally loving and caring so I hope it continues as they get older! They even carry their dolls in slings and "breastfeed" them and "cosleep" because "that's what you do with babies"!!
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Old 04-24-2003, 01:32 PM
 
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I think a lot of times the child will just grow up instinctively knowing that the way they were brought up was good and apply it to their own parenting skills. While my mom and I had never discussed anything of the sort after I grew up (although whenever my dad was away on a business trip we'd take turns sleeping in her bed), I was completely and totally sure about the way I wanted to parent.

It looks like it's rubbed off on my 20 year old brother as well - while he was totally "grossed out" by my breastfeeding when he was here on his way back to Montana, he made the comment about that he'll never be able to look at his gf's breasts the same way after she breastfeeds when they do eventually have a child.
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Old 04-24-2003, 03:05 PM
 
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Um.. to be honest, Goo can raise HER children HER way. It is not my place to tell her she is wrong. It IS my place to fully support her. If she asks for help, steer her gently towards AP, explain what I did, what I didn't do, why and let HER make these decisions.

It will be her life, her child and her family that she is raising. Shouldn't the decision be up to her and her partner?:
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Old 04-24-2003, 03:15 PM
 
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Well, Annabelle nurses her baby-dolls now, though she does "pump" by taking a bottle and holding it up to her nipple and filling it with "breast milk". She doesn't want to sleep with the dolls though, and likes using her stroller more than her sling.

I think they will do what they will do. I was a Ferberized, bottle fed and spanked child. My Mom is horrified at how I am raising Annabelle. She think I am depriving Annabelle by not putting her in a day care center (we home school).

We all make what we feel are the best choices. I think our kids will to : D
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Old 04-24-2003, 06:09 PM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Foobar
It will be her life, her child and her family that she is raising. Shouldn't the decision be up to her and her partner?:
Of course. I don't think anyone is talking about actually trying to control their children's parenting decisions in the future. That's likely just as impossible as it is undesirable. What we've been talking about here is how our own feelings would be affected and how we are trying to raise our children gently so that they will be most likely to do the same. Just as our children are entitled to raise their children the way they see fit, we are entitled to have our feelings about the various possibilities and hope that they will realize we are right . (That last part was meant to be humorous, by the way).

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Old 04-24-2003, 07:06 PM
 
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Very good question, alexa. I mean, we all vent here about how unsupportive our parents are about our parenting choices, or the "crazy" things they suggest we do with our babies. So it's really interesting for me to imagine what *I* would do, and I realize I'd probably sound alot like my own mother, LOL.

With that said, one HUGE difference is that our parenting choices are made based on a lot of independent thought and personal research. My mother did neither of those things, she just did what everybody else did and followed the advice of her ped. to the letter. It never occurred to her to do otherwise. But I did tons of research to come to the conclusions and decisions I did. I *hope* my children do the same when it's their turn, and if they do and come to some different conclusions than me, I hope I can at least respect that. After all, if I expect my family to let me parent the way I want to, I must allow my children to do that, too.

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Old 04-24-2003, 07:08 PM
 
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I guess I was reading too much into the other posts of "steering them our way" or getting upset if their grnadchildren aren't bf....

No bad intensions! (or good spelling!)
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Old 04-24-2003, 07:18 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I just think its interesting how people are SO sure their kids will raise their own like they were raised. Many will, sure. Its a great way to raise kids. But others will decide it wasn't really "right' for them and raise kids another way. I hope if my kids raise their kids differently, I can remember to not be critical.
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Old 04-24-2003, 08:37 PM
 
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I would approach my daughters gently with research but support whatever choices they eventually make unless it is actual abuse.

With my son, I'll approach him gently unless he resists, but I will NOT approach his wife. I will treat her with the respect and deference accorded to her for being the child's mother. I know from my own experience that a pushy MIL won't get to see the baby that often. I'd rather keep my mouth shut and get to love dgc more often.

I'm editing to add: I mostly want to model the best behaviors for them now- telling them over and over why I do what I do- and hope that even if they stray, they will come back to what "feels" comfortable when they have kids of their own. That is what I did despite external pressures to detachment parent them all.
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Old 04-24-2003, 10:23 PM
 
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My parents were very AP, both huge proponents of bf. When I couldn't do it, I was absolutely torn up inside...among other things, about how disapointed in me they would be, and how would I ever admit to them I had failed?

Thankfully they were 100% supportive and we've never looked back. I don't know if she was disapointed, because she would never have let me know - she knew it would crush me.

I don't *ever* want to place that kind of pressure on my dd, intentional or otherwise. She can forge her own path.

Jen
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