Have differing parenting philosophies affected your friendships? - Page 2 - Mothering Forums

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#31 of 41 Old 05-15-2003, 05:44 PM
 
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I too am glad that you posted this.....AND YES! I recently totally ended a toxic friendship that was on the rocks when I found out that this *friend* got pregnant for the second time (she's already a single mom who had one child out of wedlock). With her first child, I thought that she was "doing the best that she can." I didn't agree with her parenting, especially taking a belt and swatting her dd on the hand, but I didn't interfere. I didn't like the way she interacted with her, but I figured that she was too overwhelmed and too busy to have time to spend with her. In any case, when she got pregnant AGAIN, I was angry with her for not protecting herself. I became pregnant a couple months later and our mutual pregnancy allowed us to bridge the growing gap between us. Once she had the baby (four months before me), I felt really close to her. However, after I had dd, I began to realize that I disagreed with A LOT of her parenting choices. I was able to look at the way that she raised her first dd and realize that she really wasn't a good parent. Also, I was irritated with her "I know better because I have 2 children" attitude. This is the woman who only read little blurbs here and there and then dispensed parenting advice like she really *knew* what she was talking about. Her kids are basically kept cooped up in a small one bedroom condo with the television blaring ALL the time. The straw that broke the camel's back, I guess, was when she decided to homeschool her oldest, because she was too damn lazy to get on a bus and take her to public school. The homeschooling turned out to be a big joke. It lasted about 4 months and the girl is now in a daycare (because she missed the kindergarten deadline). I have lost so much respect for this *friend* that I don't even want to talk to her. Recently, we got into an e-mail spat and I pretty much have decided that "this is it." I'm not making any effort any longer. I also realize that our differences are more than parenting. This is one friendship that I definitely do not want in my life. I'm glad to know that I'm not alone.

On the same note, I have another friend who I have always thought was a terrific mom. she also was a single mom at the time she had her first ds. After I had my dd and learned hands on all of the sacrifices she had made, my respect for her grew in leaps and bounds. I guess it cuts both ways.: Some friendships are solidified by our parenting and some are divided.

Libby
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#32 of 41 Old 05-15-2003, 11:51 PM
 
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#33 of 41 Old 05-15-2003, 11:58 PM
 
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Oh please oh please do not hi-jack this great thread and turn it into the CIO debate. Nobody ever wins that one. All will end in bitterness and locked-threadedness and I won't get to read the rest of the relevent responses.

Thanks
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#34 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 12:05 AM
 
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I have made requests that off-topic posts be edited. In the meantime, I would like to ask that any subsequent posts be kept on topic. Thanks!

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#35 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 12:16 AM
 
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glad to hear i'm not alone.... i hear many of the same things from my sister. she bf for 4 months and is still co-sleeping, but not in the ap sense. her dd is 26 months and when i saw them at easter my sister was spanking my neice to get her to lay down and go to aleep!!! it was all i could do to keep from crying. all my sister said was that i need to get my dd (14 mos) to be able to put herself to sleep even if she has to cry or i will never be able to get my child to go to sleep when she gets older! i told her that i was fine with nursing my dd to sleep for as long as it worked! she also thinks i should have weaned jazmin months ago... her theory is "look...as long as they get some bm they will be fine. my dd is very intelligent with the bm she got" ... i guess that's better than none... it just supprised me b/c she is suppodsed to be intelligent-she has her masters degree...sorry to vent... i could post a whole other thread sometime!

i guess that's why people can have their own children to parent how they please, but i agree...i don't try to force my parenting stlye on her so why should she feel compelled to force hers on me?
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#36 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 06:07 AM
 
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I don't actually have many friends who have kids...so it doesn't come up much.
Two friends of mine just had babies and i am all atwitter....excited, but scared, i don't think I'll be able to handle it if they early wean and cio and hit and all...but I also really want to be around other moms more than I am.

maybe it'll help that my dd is a pretty super easy baby; hopefully they'll assume that it's due to my parenting style ( it is!) and try to emulate it.
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#37 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 05:59 PM
 
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For us it's more like friendships don't even get started... I can't believe how horrifically nasty and judgemental people are. There are people we see all the time in the park who will not speak to us - who will tell their children loud enough for us to hear not to play with our children - because we allow our kids to play shoot 'em up games. For one thing, these are my stepchildren, and I have to pick my battles - sometimes I'd rather they not play war, but considering that they've had to adjust to no television, no video games, and a completely different diet since they've come to live with us, I think I'll let them run around the park and say bang-bang you're dead. For another thing, my children don't hit, or spit, or bite, which is more than I can say for the children being told not to play with us. But we are treated like $%$# pariahs because of this, and related issues. I've pretty much accepted that we just won't ever have any parent friends.
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#38 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 06:48 PM
 
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maybe it'll help that my dd is a pretty super easy baby; hopefully they'll assume that it's due to my parenting style ( it is!) and try to emulate it.

sorry to disagree but if you have a easy baby someone blessed you with that, and they may or may not be an easy toddler/child. it really has less to do with how you parent and more to do with child.
now its easier to parent a harder child when you ap i think......
bt I have two very active non sleeping go go go high spirted kids and we are very very ap.
angel mom to still nursing drew 2.5 and just turned 4 grace
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#39 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 07:01 PM
 
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I haven't even had my baby yet and it is already starting to affect friendships. Dh and I had very particular parenting philosophies before we conceived, and at the time I didn't realize they were "AP" but just figured they made the best sense. Anyway, now that I've found all of this support out there I am even more certain about what I will do and have the stats to back my intuition up. . .
. . . anyway, I get a lot of : when someone ASKS me what I plan to do and I tell them. My older sister in particular who just lost custody of her children!!!!!!!!!!!! (I'm not even going to go there). They all give me the : "that's what you think now but when you become a parent things will change." Yes, I am aware that all of my ideals will not become reality, but I'm not pressing my belief on them just answering their question. I don't disrespect the fact that they decided to parent differently and neither should they, and I don't feel like I deserve to be discredited for having opinions solely bc I haven't given birth. I practically raised my younger sis & bro so it's not like I'm in la la land and don't know how kids "are."

The biggest thing has been my childhood best friend, who is childless, and DISHES out advice like a pro. She took a semester of childcare classes back in high school and thinks that this qualifies her, and on top of that she started working for a nanny service 2 months ago and has since become an expert. For example she takes care of a 3 month old that was premie and still hooked to machines, and a 2 year old. Constantly complaining that the 3mo is "spoiled" bc the parents hold it all the time, so it expects the same when she's there. Doesn't consider that maybe it needs a little tlc especially since it's premie . . . Back on topic, I'm amused that she argues every single thing I plan to do, regardless of what I say, bc she heard all her life that it was wrong (the traditional arguments). I guess I'm especially perterbed bc she is so open minded about so many things, but so preachy about things she knows NOTHING about. I know the tension between all these people won't die out when baby is born and I start practicing what I preach. They'll be sure to think I'm screwing this kid for life while they don't see anything wrong with cussing and screaming at their kids and hitting them.
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#40 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 07:07 PM
 
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premie and still hooked to machines, and a 2 year old. Constantly complaining that the 3mo is "spoiled" bc the parents hold it all the time, so it expects the same when she's there. Doesn't

well a........ isnt she paid to do that?
and b........ you can tell her the child has 18 plus years to learn to be independant, it doesnt have to be the first few years. they will learn trust me but in their time not ours. if you dont fill the need one way they will act out in other ways. it only goes away when its met.
angel
mom to grace 5/12/99 and drew 11/24/00
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#41 of 41 Old 05-16-2003, 07:39 PM
 
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i'm not a mom... yet
early december i will be tho
it cracks me up to listen to people talk about how AP kids aren't going to be independent and all my closest friends do their own version of AP'ing and their kids are THE most independent kids i know! and I am in contact with a tonne of children

i disagree with some of the things my friend of 16 years does and some of the things my sister does, they know i disagree and we all have our reasons for doing things the way we do. with both of them... on certain topics... i just shake my head at them and they know why. sometimes we laugh about it. sometimes we don't. the funny thing is that they are AP'ing parents, everyone has their own version of AP'ing... i guess... but for people who claim to be all about the child and what the child needs they sure do contradict themselves sometimes....

i'm so glad that i signed up on mdc... i love reading everyone's experiences... makes things less... scary i guess lol
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