Would you let a 13yo boy babysit? - Page 12 - Mothering Forums
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#331 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 11:09 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Hazelnut View Post
Well I don't use a sitter. The question was a hypothetical. If you're talking to me, my first post on the previous page did say I thought 13 was too young. I also said (just up there) that I would use a boy I trusted, and would be careful for girls as well. The only difference is that I would consider gender and be more careful with boys.

I only responded directly to you b/c no one has said boys are unfit, and frankly I think it's a little unfair to paint this cautiousness (based on reality and stats) as casting "the entire gender unfit". I also don't think girls are inherently more nurturing, I just think they are less likely to molest.

ETa: in general, I just don't understand why people feel so badly for men, lest they be thought of poorly. It doesn't hurt my husband's feelings if I'm more cautious around men in general. He understands why.
Being cautious about men is very different than thinking that all 13 year old boys are potential predators.

Not necessarily directed at this poster - there is some prevasive feelings on this board that demonize or put down "male" type behaviours. Such as finding competition to be negative. Thinking it is only cool to not promote gendered toys - yet the toys picked are intentionally generally associated with "girl" play. Or only "boy" play to girls, but not to boys. I'm not surprised by this thread. Disappointed, but not surprised.
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#332 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 11:28 AM
 
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Well *shrug*. I don't see that here. I don't see poor boys and men being undermined here, or judged, or all viewed as predators.

Frankly I'm not surprised by this thread either.
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#333 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 11:53 AM
 
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I think 13 is too young to be left alone in charge of other people's kids. I would never have a male babysitter alone with my children either because I am a victim of sexual abuse and I would NEVER EVER forgive myself if something happened to my girls.

I would allow my m/w's almost 18 y/o son (second oldest of 8 children) ALONG with his teenage sisters to watch my kids for a few hours in their home but that is the ONLY exception.

To me leaving any child alone with any male caregiver is NOT smart. I know there are PLENTY of women predators (like my husband's birth mother) but I still feel it is safer to have a female babysit (the whole mothering/nurturing/more mature/level headed thing).

We only have a handful of people that we'd ever allow to watch our kids. A couple from our church with the same age children, a couple ladies from my APMoms group, a sweet couple in their 50's with grandkids (good friends we bought our house from and they still have 2 20+ y/o daughters still at home w/them), and then our very best friend (a female of course) who is now married and lives in TX.

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#334 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 11:55 AM
 
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Originally Posted by Crazy Basil View Post
No more vehement than the pages and pages of women writing off an entire gender. Paranoid and hysterical, yes, to me it is. It seems that people here lately have more love, compassion and understanding for their dogs than our fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, lovers and friends. That's extremely sad and upsetting to me as someone who is also trying to raise a boy who is sensitive, caring and understanding of the broader picture, who questions the status quo and who understands it is his duty as a recipient of privilege in this society to not stand idly by while others are discriminated against.
It is VERY OBVIOUS that you are not a victim of sexual abuse by a male.

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#335 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 01:08 PM
 
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Would that make her experiences and her opinions less valuable to you?
And, really, let's all please be careful judging other people. She may very well be a victim of sexual abuse. How horrible if we were to have to preface our comments w/this disclaimer! We should be able to talk freely w/o labeling ourselves and others.
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#336 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 02:38 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Crazy Basil View Post
No more vehement than the pages and pages of women writing off an entire gender. Paranoid and hysterical, yes, to me it is. It seems that people here lately have more love, compassion and understanding for their dogs than our fathers, brothers, sons, husbands, lovers and friends. ...
THAT is NOT something written by someone who has experienced sexual abuse from a male. If she was she'd have more compassion to us victims and would not be calling us paranoid and hysterical! I will vehemently stand by this statement.

So it is okay for her to judge us paranoid and hysterical for not leaving our children in the care of males because we want to protect them, but not for me to make an observation of her statement (from which I withheld my personal opinion of such statement)?

I will now withhold my opinion of you defending her.....

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#337 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 03:17 PM
 
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I stand by everything I've said but I feel that this thread is moving into an area that should be in the "survivor's forum" and has veered waaaaay off topic.
So, b/c this is not the appropriate area for discussion, I'm bowing out!
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#338 of 343 Old 04-01-2007, 03:23 PM
 
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Originally Posted by BusyMommy View Post
.... your right to feel that only the opinions of those who have experienced sexual abuse are respected. ...
Where did I say that?

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#339 of 343 Old 04-02-2007, 09:26 AM
 
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#340 of 343 Old 04-02-2007, 09:33 AM
 
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What is the big issue here? In my experience half my female friends were sexually abused as children.

By men.

Statistically, hiring a male childcaregiver is a big risk.

It is important to me that my daughter exit childhood without having to deal with this issue. VERY important. So I risk assess all men who are around her, and I would not have a male caregiver unless I really, really trusted him.

I really, really trust her father, and one male friend. That is it, so far.

"Sexist" or not, honestly I could give a crap. My priority is protecting my daughter, and all this giving of the benefit of doubt has not done the women of the world one whit of good so far.
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#341 of 343 Old 04-13-2007, 11:17 PM
 
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Originally Posted by MsElle07 View Post
Nope. Absolutely not.

You should read the book "Protecting the Gift" by Gavin DeBecker... in it, he talks about one of the best ways you can avoid having your children become the victim of sexual abuse (which, unfortunately, something like 1 in 3 girls are) is to not allow them to have male caregivers. Most people are abused by someone their mother trusts.

Not to cast aspersions on this boy -- he is probably a lovely young man. I just think it's a wise policy to have.
You and Gavin DeBecker are both sexists. You dont generalize the whole gender based on the screwups of the few.
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#342 of 343 Old 05-04-2007, 09:10 PM
 
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Originally Posted by oceanbaby View Post
Hmm, I don't know the exacts stats (no one does apparently) but I would guess on any given day, you are more likely to have a car accident than be molested. Although I do believe molestation numbers are high.
I really don't know....in most cases, I'm pretty sure, it's not a just a one time deal. I would beg to differ with the above comment. I think that on a daily basis- that more children are being molested than are getting into car accidents.

I say to go with your gut. If there is ANY (and I cannot stress this enough) gut feeling that makes you say "something isn't right here" even if it's so small you barely feel it- then don't ( I repeat- DO NOT ) let your child alone -even if it's in the other room- with that person...male or female.
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#343 of 343 Old 05-04-2007, 09:42 PM
 
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It is important to me that my daughter exit childhood without having to deal with this issue. VERY important. So I risk assess all men who are around her, and I would not have a male caregiver unless I really, really trusted him.
This makes no sense to me at all. I wouldn't have any caregiver for my child unless I really, really trusted them. What the hell difference does gender make? Are we just supposed to assume that any woman who wants to watch our children is going to treat them well, but screen the males? I screen everyone I leave my children with - gender is irrelevant.

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