i don't want to be mommy today - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 02:14 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i am having a really rough time right now. shosh is really getting on my nerves. i tried to go to a family event on post and she threw a major meltdown for no apparent reason. she just stopped walking and started screaming and crying. totally out of nowhere.
she won't take a nap, she's hitting me, she won't eat, and i don't want to be near her right now. i left her in the bedroom and closed the door because i am getting really angry and i am afraid i will hurt her.
my husband is not going to be back for 6 more weeks. i hate him right now for being in the army and for being away. i wish i could just drop shoshanna off somewhere and be alone for an entire day. i am so tired of having to meet someone else's needs and not getting my own met.
i am on the verge of making her CIO, cruel as it is. i want to run away right now.
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#2 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 02:35 PM
 
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hey mama.

This is so gd hard sometimes. Good for you for putting yourself in time out, sounds like just what you needed. Sometimes I have to do it. Esp when dh is not around. (Damn them to hell for having to leave to go to work. Not even kidding, really.) Is Shosh getting teeth? do you have any chamomile? sometimes I just dose her up to see if it helps. are there any mamas around you can trade with to get a break? I wish I could help you out, but I don't know where you are.

Sending you love,
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#3 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 02:50 PM
 
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Sorry you're having such a rough day. Children are such unpredictable little things sometimes, who knows what they're thinking. Yesterday I was super grumpy for some reason and realized I was snapping at my dd A LOT so I just took her to the park so she could be free of me for a bit.
Hope the day gets better for you soon!!
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#4 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 02:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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if you draw a diagonal line across the US, that would be how far i am from you! i'm way down south in the hot as hell state known as georgia.

she does have a shitload of teeth coming in. all the molars and 2 canines. i thought we were over the worst of it, but maybe not.

she really got worked up into a snit when i was out of the room. i was only gone a few minutes, maybe not even that, just long enough to log on here and release some of my negative crap. so when i came back into the bedroom, she immediately latches on and nurses to sleep in a matter of minutes. : just about lends the CIO approach a little credibility. except that i hate the sound of a screaming child. it's too painful.

i really have no one to ask for help. i have acquaintances, not friends. i do have her in a mother's day out twice a week, but i am starting to think she should be in full-time day care this fall. i'm just a shitty mother and i can't handle this. i just don't have anything left to give.
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#5 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 03:18 PM
 
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no no no no
A shitty mother would smack her and let her cry it out you are trying to help yourself and your daughter. It is incredibly hard being isolated like you are. Thank the Goddess she's asleep, yes?

hmmm. Can't fly to Georgia. Is there a children's consgnment shop in your area? Sometimes we just go there and Gracie plays and I talk to the other mamas cuz a lot of like-minded mamas shop 2nd hand. Gracie is in 2 days/wk co-op preschool, which could be an option, maybe? It's nice b/c we have like-minded parents (again) and we all have to work at the school part of the time, so we get to commune a little and we also get time off, plus we know each other pretty well and so feel more comfortable leaving our children with each other.

Do you have a car? Sometimes i load her up with chamomile and just drive til she goes to sleep...

btw, i think it was the nursing that helped her sleep, not the crying before it, although it probably wore her out. you did the right thing going back in, imho. She needs her mama when her teeth hurt.

love n stuff
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#6 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 08:14 PM
 
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You can come down to Atlanta and hang out with me for a day!

And you are not a shitty mom you are a wonderful mom.
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#7 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 09:44 PM
 
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Repeat after me "I am not a shitty mom. I am not a shitty mom..." I certainly have my days. : It must be so hard to not get a MUCH DESERVED/NEEDED break. On top of missing your dh, you are mothering 24/7. Go easy on yourself. Teething can be rough for everyone involved. Can you sleep when she does so that you can recharge a little?

I seriously do not want to make you feel worse, but I just want to acknowledge how hard it must be to be apart from your dh. In six more weeks he'll be home to help you with your dd and to meet some of YOUR needs that only a life partner can meet. Try not to think about fall when it is only May. I am not BSing when I say that I wish I lived closer (I'm in MA), so I could help you out a bit. Is a visit to a close friend or family member out of the question? I don't remember if you are a SAHM, but are you within driving distance from anyone who you can get some support from (even for a week)? Can you just get out of town?
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#8 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 10:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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thanks so much southercomfort, doulamoon, asherah and mamaoui. i was ready to just say f%^& it and give up on MDC if no one cared enough to talk me off the ledge.

everyone i am related to is over 1000 miles away. sean's sister is our closest relative, but she is 3.5 hours away, works full time, and goes to school and her husband is away as well so she visits him on the weekends. the next closest people are 5 hours away.
and while sean does come home in 6 weeks, he leaves again in september, so then i am right back where i am now, ready to be committed. right now i really think she'd be better off with pretty much anyone but me. i think being a crappy mom runs in the family. there hasn't been a decent one yet.
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#9 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 10:11 PM
 
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Are you in Augusta?
I could come see you on one of my days off...

I know how much you love your DD.
You are an incredibly devoted mom.. anyone would be going nuts in your position.
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#10 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 10:14 PM
 
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honey you are welcome! I am going to give some strongly felt advice -

REACH OUT TO YOUR LOCAL COMMUNITY. Find some kind of support group. Check out local community centers, food co-ops, kids' stuff stores, spiritual practice centers if you have one, anything where there are like-minded people.

Living in isolation in circumstances like yours only makes it worse. You feel like you're the only one who feels this way, like there's something wrong with you, when really anyone in your situation would have these feelings sometimes. It's easy to feel this way when you don't have contact with other single-livin mamas. But things are tough all over. No mamas should be doing it this way.

It's my biggest gripe with our society, lack of mama support. It affects everything about everything! The way we live and feel about ourselves and treat others, the way our kids live and feel about themselves and treat others, and EVERYTHING is related to that.

Keep on truckin'.

love,
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#11 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 10:26 PM
 
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Elphaba, who is it that lives 5 hours away? I say go for it if you think it will help you in any way. Even if you and dd take off for a few days. How long will Sean be gone for in the fall? A long enough stretch where you could maybe plan to connect with a close friend/ family member for an extended stay.

My SIL lives in California with my BIL (dh's brother) and her 2.5 year old and he may be activated for 6 months to a year. If that happens, we will send for her, because she is isolated (they live in Cali because my BIL's 17 year old dd lives there). Consider asking a close friend or relative if they would be open to an extended visit. It is not a weakness to need other people.

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. i think being a crappy mom runs in the family. there hasn't been a decent one yet.
How wrong you are, Elphaba! Man, I wish I could give you a big ole hug right now!
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#12 of 27 Old 05-10-2003, 11:08 PM
 
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Elphaba, I have SO been there lately, just last week, I sat and cried for about 20 minutes, while Jonny was sitting in the exersaucer, also cursing the Army, DH, myself, life in general... The crying helped, and by then Jonny was fussing, so I nursed him to sleep, and we took a nap on the couch.

Ya know, it's too bad I didn't stay in Louisiana, we could've met halfway or something.

I know, it's hard when you're on a base, and you KNOW that most of the parent's aren't like you, and you have a toddler, instead of an older kid you can bring to the park and let them play while you just sit and chill. Take advantage of the mommy's day out stuff, heck, take advantage of everything you can while your DH is gone.
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#13 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 02:06 AM
 
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hey. i wanted to tell you, my ds has been a real pistol lately, hitting, saying no, i'm the boss, etc. today i told him to say he was sorry & he kicked me, so i smacked his leg. what does that prove? he is sleeping now & i can't wake him to tell him how much i love him, even though deep down i know he knows.

sweetie, shosh knows how much you love her. i have always been impressed by your posts & i think you are a GREAT mom. ita w/ those who said to get help from your community or go stay w/ family.

if there were no great moms in your family, rest assured, THERE IS NOW!! please take care of yourself!

love, jenny
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#14 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 03:59 AM
 
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Elphaba
Today I cried in the basement for about 15 minutes while saying over & over. "I hate my life...." I am a homeschooler to three & believe me, few understand that! My DH comes home every night so I cannot imagine what you are going thru....Today though, my DH told me to just stop complaining and do what I have to do...that helped because now I don't want to kill my kids, I want to kill him!!! Ha ha ha ha....
I always say this to my weary Mothering mamas - It's easy to be a bad mother, and hard to be a good one!!!
Keep on keepin on! Your little one knows you better than you think & can forgive anything!!
Love and thanks to those that part with their loved ones for our freedoms.
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#15 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 11:39 AM
 
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I just want to say I relate. I actually logged on today just to complain. Today's Mother's Day, and here I am wishing my 15 year old will stay asleep most of the morning because he has just been making life so da*n hard the last few days. And I am newish to my community, so I too don't really have any friends...just aquaintances...that makes it much, much harder than it has to be. (((Hugs)))

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#16 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 11:51 AM
 
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Ok I haven't read all of the threads so pardon me if this has already been said.

Could Sosh be afraid of you leaving her too. You said she threw a fit while walking to the post. She hasn't seen her daddy for a long time. Maybe she realizes that the post was the last place she saw him and she is afraid that you are leaving too. It is just a thought.
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#17 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 01:34 PM
 
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I have totally been where you are, on more than one occassion. My DH isn't military(although my brother is) but he works out of state and sometimes out of the country 8-10 mos out of the year. He's in Argentina as I type. Could you find a good drop in day care? That way she didn't have to go every day, but you could take her on the days you're ready to lock her in a closet and duct tape her mouth shut :LOL And maybe start looking for a good preschool for next year when she's 3? I have DS(4) starting a Montessori school in the fall, and dd enrolled in Mother's Day Out for the fall too. Sometimes mom's just need a break, and that doesn't make you a crappy mom. Being a parent is hard, even harder when your DH is away. I had a mom come to my house from AZ(about a 16 hour drive) and stay with me for a few weeks when her DH was TDY for 6 mos. Right now a 5 hour drive might not be so bad if it means you get a break and some help. If you need advice on traveling long distance with a toddler LMK. We travel to see DH whenever he's in the states, last trip was to CA(2 day drive) with a 1 y/o and 3 y/o :LOL
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#18 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 01:39 PM
 
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I'm up here in Minnesota, so too far for you to come visit or me to come help you.

I have no words of wisdom but just to let you know I'm thinking of you and can hardly imagine what you are going through. But I can say I don't think you're a shitty mom...not at all. Being a mom can be sooo hard!

I'll at least send you good thoughts...
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#19 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 03:48 PM
 
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Elphabela, Happy Mother's Day!

I hope you are doing something relaxing with your kids today. simple and easy--that's a single mama holiday! If you're inside and bumming--go get some take-out and have a picnic at the park. Buy yourself something online.

Like someone said, reach out to find other moms. They don't have to be the same as you in all parenting ways either. Just someone you/kids can get along with. Its really hard but worth it.

Take up those GA posters offers! PM them NoW!


love love love love love
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#20 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 03:59 PM
 
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I haven't read the other posts yet, but I totally understand/support you. I absolutely LOVE my job and am away from my boys 8 hours/day. It gives me a great perspective and I have full focus/energy to be w/them. But, there are stilllll times when I want to go bonkers. So, I escape to the tub while dh mans the fort. You NEED time away for YOU. Mom needs to be happy/centered for the family to function smoothly. Get some support. What about the gym on base? Is there a drop in daycare? An elderly matron down the street? Find someone to give you some time off. And, just remember, all this will pass. Who in the world knows what's going on in dd's head-it could be teething, growing, etc etc. It's just a phase and it will pass.


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#21 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 05:05 PM - Thread Starter
 
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wow. i am really touched by all this support. i only wish i could find it in real life too!

today was better, because we were out ALL day. we went to the mother's day luncheon our battalion hosted. i went for the free food but really didn't get to eat! i did snag a loaf of bread that would have otherwise been thrown out and brought it home.
but the best part was the fact that i CLEANED UP in the gift department. one of the soldiers and her mom left early so they gave me their raffle tickets. i ended up with gift certificates for a manicure, one month of tanning, and a haircut. the cool thing about the haircut was that i thought i was just selecting some curl-enhancing hair gel, but it came with a free cut! woo hoo!
so i'm excited. i wish i could have gotten a massage, but i am so happy about all that i did get!

and i spent 30 minutes on the treadmill last night and 30 minutes again this morning. that helps. i think if i make myself do that every morning AND every night, things will be more manageable. or at least i will get out of the bell jar for a half hour!
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#22 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 07:39 PM
 
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((((K)))) If you want a longer break, Canada's not that far away

CIO is great IF the alternative is losing it. There is nothing wrong with leaving her in her room crying while you calm down/breathe, whatever. It's not really cio anyway!

If you were a shitty mom, you wouldn't have vented here, you would have let her cio for real.
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#23 of 27 Old 05-11-2003, 07:47 PM - Thread Starter
 
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i think the only way i could get to canada would be to fedex myself! :LOL

okay, looks like we're fixin' to get some big storms, so i am turning off the computer. i will not lose anything else to lightning!
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#24 of 27 Old 05-12-2003, 02:53 PM
 
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I want to applaud you for coming here with your frustration instead of taking it out on your little girl! You are a wonderful mama! Even with the family and dh around, I still feel all alone sometimes. My dd will listen to everyone EXCEPT me at times. It can be extremely frustrating.

Enjoy your time to yourself! Your manicure and haircut and workouts! Everyone needs a break from the real world occasionally! Being a mother is the single hardest job on the planet, but it also has the greatest awards! Good Luck honey!
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#25 of 27 Old 05-12-2003, 03:37 PM
 
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Shoshie's mom....can you fly to colorado? i'll take care of you, i promise!

i think alot of moms are suprised at how awful little people toddlers can be, and how mad they can make us. couple that revelation with being a single mom (at least for another 6 wks), no outside support, and damn if your not out on a ledge contemplating jumping! but, your anger in no way signifies poor mothering. your lack of patience and being fed up isnt a symptom either. take it 5 minutes at a time, and give yourself another time out if you need one. moms can and do reach the end of their rope. we are here for ya! cyber love and hugs on the way......
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#26 of 27 Old 05-12-2003, 03:52 PM - Thread Starter
 
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oooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhh! colorado. sounds great. i bet it's not 170000 degrees there, is it?

what's really bothering me isn't so much what she's doing, it's how i'm reacting to her totally normal behavior. it's so upsetting to me that i can think slapping her hands is a reasonable response to her shredding something. KWIM? she's doing just what she's always been doing, but i'm wigging out on a regular basis.
and another thing that is pissing me off is the fact that on the days that she goes to mother's day out, i never need the damn break! i always miss her terribly. then the next day, i'll feel like drowning myself in the toilet, and i have no chance for a break. why is that?

(she really likes that guy so i'm putting him in her to make her laugh!)
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#27 of 27 Old 05-13-2003, 02:01 AM
 
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Quote:
Originally posted by Elphaba
[B]what's really bothering me isn't so much what she's doing, it's how i'm reacting to her totally normal behavior. it's so upsetting to me that i can think slapping her hands is a reasonable response to her shredding something. KWIM?
I know what you mean. Today I felt like dropping my 15 year old off on the side of the road for mouthing off to me while we were driving in the car.

I think this is a side-effect of not having adequate support, and it's not a good place to be in. Sounds like you and I both desperately need to find some local friends.

Quote:
and another thing that is pissing me off is the fact that on the days that she goes to mother's day out, i never need the damn break! i always miss her terribly. then the next day, i'll feel like drowning myself in the toilet, and i have no chance for a break. why is that?
I totally know what you mean here too. Our son gets respite care twice a month, and on those days I spend the whole time either catching up on work or things around the house that need done, or when I use those days for relaxation, I find myself talking about my son all day. I miss him until he is home again, and then all I want to do is strangle him LOL.

Hang in there!

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