What To Do - Mothering Forums
Forum Jump: 
 
Thread Tools
#1 of 17 Old 05-14-2003, 06:34 PM - Thread Starter
 
ellery's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: maine
Posts: 143
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I NEED A LITTLE HELP. I DONT PARTICULARLY LIKE MY MOMS HUSBAND FOR VARIOUS REASONS. I NEVER CALLED HIM DAD OR EVEN CONSIDERED HIM FAMILY. I KNOW IT SOUNDS AWFUL. BUT SHOUKLD MY SON HAVE TO CALL HIM "GRAMPA" AND HOW DO I EXPLAIN WITHOUT SOUNDING LIKE A JERK. IF HE GETS CLOSE ENOUGH WITH HIM TO CALL HIM THAT BUT I DONT WANT HIM PRESSURED. HI BIOLOGICAL GRAMPA IS NOT AROUND AND HASNT BEEN SINCE I WAS LITTLE.MY HUSBANDS STEP-DAD IS CALLED GRAMPA BUT HE CONSIDERS HIM HIS DAD. IM STUCK ANY SUGGESTIONS WITHOUT HURTING MY MOMS FEELING? HELP
ellery is offline  
#2 of 17 Old 05-14-2003, 09:28 PM
 
Gemini's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: What a mess.
Posts: 7,419
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
The first thing I thought of is that you yourself have never called him "dad". If that's the case, I don't see why your mom should be so hurt for dgs just call him by his name like you always have. Your son will call him what you do, no harm done.

Could you address the subject like that???

P.S.-And no, it doesn't sound awful at all, my dad has been married 5 times and I never considered some of them my "step-mom" either, just my dad's (current) wife. :
Gemini is offline  
#3 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 01:16 AM
 
LuvMy2Kidz's Avatar
 
Join Date: May 2003
Location: Where the wind comes sweeping down
Posts: 3,098
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
LizaJanesMom you could be me. My dad is on his fourth wife and we rarely talk to them. DS calls him Ken, and we call my MIL Susan b/c I hate her and I know it's mean, but I think it bothers her that he calls her that instead of grandma :LOL (she's an alcoholic and abusive etc so she's not around him ever, like less than once a year)

He will call your SD what ever you call him, be it his first name or grandpa.
LuvMy2Kidz is offline  
#4 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 04:09 AM
 
Jennifer Z's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Kansas
Posts: 3,871
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My MIL is on her 8th or 9th marriage (can't remember which right now). Since she is dh's mom, we do call her Grandma, but since her last name is always changing we have chosen to call her "Grandma (first name)" instead of the traditional "Grandma (last name)".

We personally call her current husband "Grandpa (first name)", but he is a decent guy. By calling him by his first name it will make it a bit easier if/when they break up to have a new Grandpa such-and-such.

My dh stopped referring to his step-dads as "step-dad" at around husband 4 and simply refers to them as his mom's husband. (really sad when you can refer to someone as your favorite step-dad...even sadder when you lose track of how many husbands your mom has had).

I don't know what to advise you, but we might run into this too.

Mom to 10yo Autistic Wonder Boy and 6yo Inquisitive Fireball Girl . December birthdays.

Jennifer Z is offline  
#5 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 07:52 AM
 
captain optimism's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Good Ship Lollipop
Posts: 7,462
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 19 Post(s)
My mom's dad remarried when we were little. My mom was not happy about it! My aunt was okay with it. We all called my grandpa's wife by her first name. My first cousins were close with her, we weren't.

Divorced mom of one awesome boy born 2-3-2003.
captain optimism is offline  
#6 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 11:56 AM
 
skibumel's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: NWA
Posts: 31
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My mother remarried last year and wants my son to call her husband papa. I just refer to him by name and let my mom refer to him as papa and I figure when my ds gets older he will call him what he wants to.
skibumel is offline  
#7 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 12:55 PM
 
oceanbaby's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 11,464
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My stepmother has been in my life for almost 20 years, and I have always called her by her first name, which was never a problem because I call my mom and dad by their first names too. I just recently realized that she wants my ds to call her grandma, which is just really weird to me. He calls my mom gammy, dh's mom grandma or noni, my dad grandpa, dh's dad grandpa or nono, but it just feels really uncomfortable for me to refer to my stepmother as grandma. But I don't want to hurt her feelings. I don't know what to do myself.
oceanbaby is offline  
#8 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 01:10 PM
 
Alexander's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: Just moved to Framingham, MA
Posts: 1,547
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
DW just points out that children tend to call grandparents by what their parents refer to them as.

So be careful about refering to him as "the old goat". That might pop out!

a

The anti-Ezzo king
Alexander is offline  
#9 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 02:56 PM
 
nataliekat's Avatar
 
Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: West Des Moines, IA
Posts: 644
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
Quote:
Originally posted by skibumel
My mother remarried last year and wants my son to call her husband papa. I just refer to him by name and let my mom refer to him as papa and I figure when my ds gets older he will call him what he wants to.
I second this idea.

You may have a real problem with your son calling the guy Grandpa. But it is your problem, not your son's. Don't put pressure on him yourself to call him one name or another. Just refer to him as you do, and let your son decide. That way it doesn't become an issue and your son doesn't feel weird about it.

BYW, how long has your mom been married to this guy? Is he likely to be around for a while?
nataliekat is offline  
#10 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 03:39 PM
 
mamadejose's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Posts: 142
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I had this problem. My mom wanted ds to call her husband "grandpa" or "grandpa Don". That basically made me want to puke, and ds already has a grandpa that lives in town and an abuelito. I did what skibumel did. Dh and I both call him by his first name and so does ds. I think my mom was slightly disappointed, but she also knows that ds already has a grandpa and there's no way her husband can even begin to really fill that role anyway.
mamadejose is offline  
#11 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 06:10 PM
 
darlindeliasmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: near Philadelphia
Posts: 1,185
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My MIL has a partner she doesn't live with, but he has been around since the 1980s... she is a widow. SHE doesn't want us to call him any kind of grandpa name, but the grandkids just started calling him Poppy-Sol. All of us grownups just call him Sol, his first name, but kids will do what feels right to them.

I think he is kinda tickled by it, and he IS a good grandpa...not the situation many people have here. I think that if your relationship is more formal, the kids will pick up on it, and call him/her by their first name or whatever you call them (as in the old goat, as someone else said!)
darlindeliasmom is offline  
#12 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 08:02 PM
 
LoveBeads's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2002
Posts: 2,632
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I don't have any great suggestions because I am in the exact same boat. Mom is on marriage #4 and I don't refer to him as my "step-father" (been there, done that, been there, done that, been there, done that) so I have no idea what my daughter will call him yet - and she's 3!
LoveBeads is offline  
#13 of 17 Old 05-15-2003, 08:17 PM
 
heartmama's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2001
Location: In the bat cave with Irishmommy
Posts: 6,262
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
My husbands mother remarried when he was a teenager. He calls her husband by his first name.

Her husband isn't a father figure for dh. Dh's real father is alive and that is who dh knows as dad. That is who ds knows as "papa" (as well as my father, who is also "papa").

I would have just let ds call dh's stepfather "First name" since we all call him by his first name. But my MIL, is SO WEIRD about kids calling adults by their first names.

So early on they asked ds to call him "Chief".

"Chief" works really well. It doesn't give this man a false title he doesn't want to fulfill anyway. The nickname was perfect.

Mother is the word for God on the hearts and lips of all little children--William Makepeace Thackeray
heartmama is offline  
#14 of 17 Old 05-16-2003, 03:33 PM
 
bestjob's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2002
Posts: 981
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I'd be sure to get him a name of some kind...

Dh's mom never seemed to get a name and now I refer to her as "You know, your grandma who lives in Winnipeg". She's not exactly a memorable presence in the kids' lives, sad to say.
bestjob is offline  
#15 of 17 Old 05-16-2003, 04:03 PM
 
carrots's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2003
Posts: 1,296
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
i say call the person in question by their first name and your child will do what he/she wants. we are in this situation also. the tricky thing is that my fil wants to be called papa, even though he knows that is what dh is referred to by our kids. whenever he refers to himself that way, dd thinks that he is talking about her dad
the whole name thing drives me batty. actually we have run into the same thing with my bro vs. my step-siblings. my bro is the only one who gets the uncle title even though step-siblings refer to themselves as uncle or aunt. our family already is big and all the added names=headache/confusion.: :
carrots is offline  
#16 of 17 Old 05-16-2003, 05:26 PM
 
ebethmom's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2002
Location: State of Grace
Posts: 3,710
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
When I was pregnant with ds, I asked both of my parental units to pick a grandparent name. My parents divorced and remarried when I was a teenager/young adult. I call my steps by their first name, and I am close to both of them.

My stepmom originally thought that she would go by her first name with my son, but changed her mind after he was born. She decided to be "Gran" to him, since that is what her grandchildren call her.

My stepdad picked "Gramps" because that was his favorite grandfather's nickname. But then he tried to change his mind after ds was born! He freaked out about being a grandfather at 49. He tried for "Uncle Dale," but my son already has a real Uncle Dale. He's getting used to Gramps now. Although my son's pronunciation of it is hysterical! It comes out "Mutts!"
ebethmom is offline  
#17 of 17 Old 05-19-2003, 04:20 AM
 
veganmamma's Avatar
 
Join Date: Sep 2002
Location: Yikes, living w/ my ILs!
Posts: 4,564
Mentioned: 0 Post(s)
Tagged: 0 Thread(s)
Quoted: 0 Post(s)
I know how you feel. Mt stepfather abused me as a child and I cringe when he want s to hold dd. People even in my IL's side want to call him Grampa, and the worst part is-- my dad died right before I got preggo!! I don't want dd to grow up thinking this man is her grampa, he isn't, he has been in my life since I was 2 1/2, but he never was family, he never "raised" me, IMO, he didn't put in the work to get the title, kwim? I legt my moms house as a 12 y/o and never came back to get away from him, so he isn't grampa! It's not just my mom who doesn't understand, it's her dad and stepmom, who incidentally, has always been grandmaw, and my MIL, FIL and MIL's mother. Dp finally said to his mom, "Look, if you knew the kind of person he is, you wouldn't be so damn anxious to get your granddaughter into his arms!" Thank god for DP. I don't even want him to have a pet name. I call him by his first name and she should too. It gets tricky because I call his parents Grandma and Grampa in Japanese, which makes Gma and Gpa even more endearing, which makes everyone think I think we're family. Can I like the guy's parents but hate him? I think so. *sigh* Anyway, I told my mom privately that there are just going to be rules about his contact with her, including pet names. I set the guidelines and I explained that I realized some people wouldn't understand and that her feelings might be hurt, but in order to do what I felt protected dd the most I had to make the rules. I'm afraid that if she thinks he is grampa she will trust him and from experience that scares me more than anything ever. I an't eliminate him from my life, but I can protect my dd. Even if I weren't concerned for her well being, what I say goes and I don't have to explain it, kwim? I set the rules and people interested in being in our family's life follow them or go on punishment. LOL, yes, it is what it sounds like, Sephie restriction. It works, I tell ya...
Lauren
veganmamma is offline  
Reply

Quick Reply
Message:
Drag and Drop File Upload
Drag files here to attach!
Upload Progress: 0
Options

Register Now

In order to be able to post messages on the Mothering Forums forums, you must first register.
Please enter your desired user name, your email address and other required details in the form below.
User Name:
If you do not want to register, fill this field only and the name will be used as user name for your post.
Password
Please enter a password for your user account. Note that passwords are case-sensitive.
Password:
Confirm Password:
Email Address
Please enter a valid email address for yourself.
Email Address:

Log-in

Human Verification

In order to verify that you are a human and not a spam bot, please enter the answer into the following box below based on the instructions contained in the graphic.



User Tag List

Thread Tools
Show Printable Version Show Printable Version
Email this Page Email this Page


Forum Jump: 

Posting Rules  
You may post new threads
You may post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are On
Pingbacks are On
Refbacks are Off