MIL wants to take dd with her - Mothering Forums

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Old 05-17-2003, 09:37 PM - Thread Starter
 
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I guess i am looking for support that my dh and I are not over-protective control freaks. Since the birth of our first baby. My MIL has not been very supportive of our parenting style. We barely see her or my FIL. They prefer us to visit them. However, we find it much easier with the visiting happening at our home. Since they rarely visit, I dont feel comfortable letting them take my dd (5y/o) out. When my dd was 18 mos she wanted to take her to Disney World. (we didnt want to go, dd was too young and I was pregnant) The only person she has ever gone with is my sister...who I trust completely. I do feel guilty at times because I did have a great relationship with my grandparents and I dont want my children missing that. However, our expectations of the grandparent relationship is not what hers is. My BIL (her son) leaves their kids with her all the time. Which is another issue we struggle with because they play video games and with toys we dont feel are appropriate. MIL doesnt understand that. Please share some advice or stories...Sorry for the long post.

KB
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Old 05-17-2003, 11:06 PM
 
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KB
Not freaks at all...just good parents...good attached parents who want to be with their kids....

Just let me say I have been in your shoes( and still am) and I have had some tough times with mil and sil (my dh's brother's wife). MIL also gets their kids 5 x a week and I have seen first hand how she handles many situations, while at family gatherings and her stopping by our home with nephew which is next to never, but the times she does come she always reaffirms why she does not get our son alone ever and never will.(she is a hitter and a don't touch me, yeller type lady).

The thing to remember is this is your dd.
This is your family.

Times are different now and it is not uncommon for an AP family to be surrounded by non-ap family. It is hard to be the rebel in the family but when AP works for your family and no one wants to accept your choices as a mother (and these are your and yours dh's choices-not theirs to make-nor should they judge you for them) then so be it.

My dh had a talk with his mom and it still did not help and so we see her only during holidays yet she lives maybe 5 minutes away.
Don't know if this is an option for you.

Your dd is only 5 and that is still young and my personal thoughts are that if you do not feel comfortable with MIL being alone with her then do not try to guilt yourself into letting it happen. There is many years for your dd to "get know grandma" when she is older and communicate to you exactly what went on while with grandma...kwim?

You are doing fine and again these are your choices.
No one elses no matter family or not.
hth





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"Living is learning and when kids are living fully and energetically and happily they are learning a lot, even if we don't always know what it is."
~John Holt 

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Old 05-18-2003, 12:33 AM
 
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Unfortunately, you can't control what kind of grandmother your MIL is. You also can't always protect your children from influences you feel are inappropriate.

How much time does she want to spend alone with her? Is your only beef the inappropriate toys?

If she only wants her for an afternoon, I'd say your DD will be fine. If she wants to take her overnight or out of town, I'd say no just because DD doesn't know her well enough. KWIM?

Just another perspective.

Edited to add: I see this is your first post.
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Old 05-18-2003, 01:10 AM
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I feel confident that I couldn't have said it any better than apmamma!



VERY wise advice, apmamma.

kbb1109, I vote 'no' for going with someone your DD barely sees or knows. If her title weren't 'grandma' or 'mil', you'd probably not think twice about saying 'no'.

Go with your heart.
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Old 05-18-2003, 08:53 AM
 
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Originally posted by frogertgrl
I feel confident that I couldn't have said it any better than apmamma!



VERY wise advice, apmamma.

Hey thanks!
What a way to make a mammas day Frogertgrl!

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"Living is learning and when kids are living fully and energetically and happily they are learning a lot, even if we don't always know what it is."
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Old 05-18-2003, 09:00 AM
 
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Don't.

And you owe no-one an explanation until you are ready to give one.


a

The anti-Ezzo king
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Old 05-18-2003, 11:50 AM
 
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I had the same issue with my MIL. She wanted them so badly to go to her house, but our parenting styles were so different that I would not budge and let them go. I guess I am protective anyways (no one watched my kids before a year old and then it was my mom or my cousin whom I trust completely).
My MIL has just started watching them in the last year and a half. We have set up certain rules (I had a great heart to heart with her) about what kind of supervision I expect and what things are OK and not OK for them to do. She understood my feelings and has done just about everything I asked. I explained to her that it is not that I did not trust her, but that I am a protective/attached/sometimes nervous for no reason mamma. LOL. Other than one incident where she let my son go to her neighbors (I know she trusts them, but I don't know them from a hole on the wall), it has been smooth sailing. Sit down, talk to her, tell her what you are thinking. Then give it a shot. Try it for short periods and then she can take them longer and longer. Your 5 yo will be able to tell you what her visits are like. If you feel uneasy about something, bring it up with MIL right away. As a mom, I am sure she will understand you being concerned about your children. But ultimately, you are the mamma, go with what works for you and your kids. GL!
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Old 05-18-2003, 11:51 AM
 
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Oh, forgot to say to the boards!!
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Old 05-19-2003, 05:55 PM
 
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I absolutely agree with what the other mamas said. You know your child, and you know what is best for her.

My MIL is older. My BIL and SIL leave their kids with her for weekends, and don't seem to notice that MIL's driving is truly scary. My son loves being around her, and I enjoy watching them interact. But she will never drive him anywhere. For that reason, we will never leave him alone with her. She lives 4 hours away, so this hasn't really been an issue yet.
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