I feel so betrayed...Update post 68 - Mothering Forums

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#1 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 04:04 PM - Thread Starter
 
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My DH says I am overeracting...tell me what you think.

I needed to get some things at whole foods and was searching for some cash around the car. DH left his walllet in there from going to a party super bowl sunday. I opened it to see if there was any cash in there...Among 80 dollars I also found a bank receipt with a bank in another county with are you ready???


11 thousand dollars in it. It is DH's name. I know his parents set it up for him. his aparents do not like me and last year they asked me to sing a post nuptial which I refused. Years ago IL's tried to get divorced and MIL went after FIL for all his money. She calims the lawyer talked her into it.

So I know they set up this "trust" for him just in case.

I don't care about the money or even that they did it...I care that this account has existed since Nov. 2005 and I was NEVER told about it.

DH (Can't I change that oto AH instead???)

DH says he never mentioned it becuse he can't take the money out anyway...until they die. I said it doen't matter..I am his wife and I should know these things...especially since his parents treat me like I am the one that went after FIL's money.

I feel like I am paying HER penance.

I am so pissed and hurt and DH thinks nothing of this.
I'm not crazy am I?

BTW..I have also had conversstions over the years obviuiosly abut finances and I pay the bills so it isn;t like I am not involved i the money and he mioght think I don't care.


This is also NOT the first time he has lied about money and I asked not to lie b/c I am not going to take his money or keep money from him.

I am so upset :

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#2 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 04:11 PM
 
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I would absolutely feel hurt and betrayed. And angry - I would be livid if DH had an account and didn't tell me about it, even if he couldn't touch it until his parents died.
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#3 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 04:12 PM
 
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I would be beyond furious.

I'm so sorry this has happened. I honestly do not know what I would do.
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#4 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 04:58 PM
 
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I would be absolutely devastated if Dh kept something like this from me. It's a matter of trust and disclosure and just being friends. Why *wouldn't* he tell you? Dh and I tell each other everything, whether it's important or not. I tell Dh a lot of things that he won't necessarily care about, and vice versa.


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#5 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 05:07 PM
 
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Ok - different point of view here. I am guessing that your dh's parents told him not to tell you about it and he honored that. I'm not saying that is right, but it really is not a big deal. So, when he does get to have the money years down the road - you will both benefit from it. It will be used for a family vacation or home improvements or to save for retirement, or something else like that. It's just money. Money he doesn't even have access too at that. Don't let it cause any more stress than it already has. It's really a non-issue as you are fighting about something that, for the moment, doesn't even really exist except on a bank statement.
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#6 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 05:23 PM
 
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hmm, I kind of agree with the PP. Initially, I'd be hurt and angry and although it would take me awhile to get over it, eventually my anger would subside and I'd forgive him.

Knowing my own DH, if he couldn't have access to the money immediately because of his Parent's wishes, he probably wouldn't tell me either right off the bat...to him, if he can't get his hands on it now, it doesn't exist KWIM?

But you said this has happened before so I guess this repeat of lying is what worries me and which adds to the feeling of betrayal.
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#7 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 05:30 PM
 
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I would be extremely upset.


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#8 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 05:30 PM
 
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Oh...and yes, I would forgive him. I would be hurt initially though.

Mama to 9 so far:Mother of Joey (20), Dominick (13), Abigail (11), Angelo (8), Mylee (6), Delainey (3), Colton (2) and Baby 8 and Baby 9 coming sometime in July 2013.   If evolution were true, mothers would have three arms!

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#9 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 05:40 PM
 
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Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have no tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.

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#10 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 05:43 PM
 
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Oh I would be pissed, and very hurt. It's not about the money but about the fact that he never bothered to tell you that this account existed. And when exactly was he going to tell you about it? : I'd forgive him, but my first reaction would be....

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#11 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 05:48 PM
 
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Originally Posted by Laggie View Post
Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have no tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.
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#12 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:07 PM
 
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There was a thread recently about wives having "secret" bank accounts that their husbands don't know about. Many posters (including myself) felt that there is nothing wrong with that - that it is a good thing to have in case you ever have to leave the marriage.

I don't see this any differently. I wouldn't be angry about it.
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#13 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:09 PM
 
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Why didn't they keep it in an account separate from theirs and leave it in their will? That makes no sense. I would be livid at AH and AILs, to use your term!!!

Well if he really wanted to keep it from you, then why was the statement in his car? That's weird too.

I would just try to move past it, and forgive. And let him know how much it hurts your feelings and well-being when he lies. So sorry that has happened to you!

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#14 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:29 PM
 
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I would be horrified and would wonder if my DH was getting ready to leave me. But we talk about everything and don't keep even insignificant things from each other.

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Originally Posted by choli View Post
There was a thread recently about wives having "secret" bank accounts that their husbands don't know about. Many posters (including myself) felt that there is nothing wrong with that - that it is a good thing to have in case you ever have to leave the marriage.

I don't see this any differently. I wouldn't be angry about it.
I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.
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#15 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:39 PM
 
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I would be horrified and would wonder if my DH was getting ready to leave me. But we talk about everything and don't keep even insignificant things from each other.



I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.
I feel that it's important always to be in a position to survive on my own in case of death, disease or divorce. I have seen far too many ugly situations in marriages of friends and family to "trust to luck".

yes, I would be fine with DH keeping a suitcase of clothes in his car in case he has to move out in a hurry. If it's important to him to feel that he can, then he might as well do it.

Do you think it's a bad idea for a spouse to have money that only he/she can access?
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#16 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:39 PM
 
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I would be horrified and would wonder if my DH was getting ready to leave me. But we talk about everything and don't keep even insignificant things from each other.



I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.
I think it's a good idea to have an account set up "just in case". Alot of these ladies would be in a REALLY bad spot financially if their husband up and left them. How would they pay the bills? Buy food? Pay for shelter? (<<in the case they had an irresponsible hub who didn't give a crap what happened after they left). That said, I do not have a private account set up. I am the breadwinner in our family, though.
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#17 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:45 PM
 
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Um, if the account is in his name, and he is an adult, then he has access to it. Maybe he has agreed not to spend it until they die? But I would be very suspicious of that - why wouldn't they just leave it to him in their will, then? And if he hasn't touched the money, why does he have a bank receipt?

I know that's harsh, but I have no tolerance for liars. Even lies of omission. I would be furious. If my husband's parents gave him a big wad of cash and told him that he couldn't tell me about it, I would expect him to say no.

I believe that people can set up trusts that cannot be touched depending on certain conditions, like age, etc. Estate taxes are a huge burden on people who inherit money in a will and there are ways around that. I think a trust is one of those ways. I don't know too much about it, but I believe that an account can be set up in someone's name that they can't touch until a certain time, so I'd assume it would be possible to have an account that can't be touched until the giver's death.
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#18 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:47 PM
 
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If one is in an abusive situation, fine. Have a secret account. Do what you have to do in order to get out. But, in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me. I would be very upset. Since I'm not emotionally involved in this because it's not happening to me, I can give you my opinion - I think this is definitely something you two can work through if you are willing to (H as well as you). I have found that DH often has reasons and thoughts that I hadn't even considered, and while I don't agree, I at least can understand that his intention was not harmful.

If he has a pattern of this, which you state in your last sentence, it sounds as if he's manifesting some source of anxiety or other unresolved emotion in the money arena, and it needs to be addressed separately from how it makes you feel to be lied to. My DH has money control issues from his FOO, and it has helped me tremedously to be able to separate the fact that it hurts me and damages our communication, and that he is just a man doing the best he can. The only thing that improved our situation and allowed us to dig down to the root of the issue was counseling on both our parts.

I hope you find a resolution that is acceptable to you, and I'm sorry.

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#19 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:52 PM
 
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I do think it's okay for each spouse to have money only they can access. But if you have a loving, trusting relationship, why should that be a secret?

I have two bank accounts in my name. DH is completely aware of that (and of how badly I mismanage them!). I can see that if I was financially dependent on him I might want to have a little stash of money somewhere. And I *do* think that is different - because it would feel scary to me to be totally dependent on another person and that would make me want to have a little bit of money set aside 'just in case'. But not 11 grand!!

And, since DH is NOT in that position of dependence, I don't see why he would need to have a secret 'rainy day fund.'

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#20 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:53 PM
 
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> in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me. I would be very upset.

Precisely, and if this is the case I think you are justifiably upset. In my estimation there shouldn't be this level of secrecy. If his parents asked him to keep the account a secret from you, as your husband he had an obligation to decline.
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#21 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 06:56 PM
 
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yes, I would be fine with DH keeping a suitcase of clothes in his car in case he has to move out in a hurry. If it's important to him to feel that he can, then he might as well do it.
I'm sorry; I just really can't fathom this way of thinking. To me, the marriage would already be over if my DH was this sure he needed to prepare.

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Do you think it's a bad idea for a spouse to have money that only he/she can access?
I don't want to say I think this is a bad idea for everyone, but I personally wouldn't feel like my DH and I were partners or truly married if we had our own separate finances that the other had no part of. Our house, our bills, our finances, everything is about the two of us working together as partners, and it's hard for me to imagine it any other way, at least for us.
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#22 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 07:02 PM
 
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If he has no access to it, he shouldn't have access to a receipt about it, either.

And even if he made a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell you, his first loyalty is to YOU, not his parents.

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I don't understand why anyone would think it is okay to make preparations to leave your spouse unless you are actively getting ready to leave. Would you be okay with your DH keeping a suitcase full of clothes in his car in case he decides to move out in a hurry? I don't get it.
The "dependent" spouse should have some kind of safety net. I didn't used to. My marriage wasn't horrible, but it was tense. If it had gotten any worse, I could have easily ended up in the shelter, fighting to keep my child and get some kind of aid to live on. OTOH, DH could have walked out at any time and had a paycheck coming the next Friday. He couldn't afford to live it up or anything, but he'd be fine.
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#23 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 07:04 PM
 
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> in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me. I would be very upset.

Precisely, and if this is the case I think you are justifiably upset. In my estimation there shouldn't be this level of secrecy. If his parents asked him to keep the account a secret from you, as your husband he had an obligation to decline.

What if they insisted? How can you refuse money like that? All they would need is his ss#, which I'm sure they have, to open a bank account in his name. How many parents and grandparents have done that? I know my dh's grandmother has done it for him and my boys.

What if he didn't tell her because he didn't want there to be a fight? Because he knew she wouldn't handle it well and would use it as ammunition to "prove" that they don't like her. What if it has nothing to do with her? My dh's grandmother has set up an account for him, in his name only with my boys as the beneficiaries. My name is no where on the account. And, he and I have been together for over 15 years. And, I know she likes me. It's got nothing to do with me. I know why she did it and I am fine with it. It's her money, she can do whatever she wants with it.

I feel the same about the in-laws in this scenario - it's their money, they can do whatever they want with it. It's not like the dh opened it himself for a rainy day. His parents did it for him.

I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.
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#24 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 07:05 PM
 
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If one is in an abusive situation, fine. Have a secret account. Do what you have to do in order to get out. But, in a functioning marriage where there is no talk of leaving or thought of dissolving the union, this would definitely be upsetting to me.
But any happy, functional marriage can go to pot rather quickly, sometimes before one can even see what's happening and make plans. Everyone who's financially dependent should have an alternative plan. Everyone.
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#25 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 07:12 PM
 
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But any happy, functional marriage can go to pot rather quickly, sometimes before one can even see what's happening and make plans. Everyone who's financially dependent should have an alternative plan. Everyone.
Even if you are not financially dependent, it can be expensive to leave. Security deposit, legal fees, daycare if you are not currently using daycare, relocation expenses.

If you have the means on hand, you are not forced to use them, but if you don't have them, it can make leaving a bad situation even more difficult. Having financed the escape of my sister and two of my friends, I am acutely aware of this.
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#26 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 07:16 PM
 
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I I still don't see the big deal. I think people who think it IS a big deal have deeper issues about money.
Money is what we use to house ourselves and our children, to feed ourselves and our children and to power our dreams for the future (whether we're talking about a family vacation or a new home). If dh is hiding money from me, then he's basically saying that I'm not an equal partner, that my opinion on what kind of roof we have, what kind of food we eat and what our future should look like doesn't matter. If I found out that my in-laws gave dh money, and asked him not to tell me, I'd be beyond furious if he cooperated. How is it okay for a third party to dictate what he shares with his wife? We're supposed to be partners, and if my spouse doesn't want to be my partner, he can tell me that - not blame it on mommy and daddy. I'd be beyond angry if I were the OP.

As the financially dependent half of this partnership, I don't think it would be a bad idea to have an account that only I have access to - but I wouldn't keep it a secret. After my divorce, I was financially better off, as I'd been the "breadwinner", and my ex was a parasite. In his case, I'd have been furious if he'd been hiding money (actually - he did, and I was), because we were really struggling, and he wasn't using it to protect himself...he was using it to buy a daily coffee (or six) at the gas station and cigarettes and guitar strings.

Actually...I do have access to money that dh doesn't. Our savings are in my name, not joint. But, that was kind of an accident, and I always forget about it. I also have all my savings from before we were married, but dh knows about that, too.

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#27 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 07:17 PM
 
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I think it depends how much money that is to you guys. It's relative. Well, that's also the limit that one can gift per year w/o being taxed (at least it was a few years ago), but I don't know if that matters if it's a foreign acct.

Anyway, if 11K is a huge amt. of money, then I'd be pissed. If it's just a percent of what is already saved in the bank, then I wouldn't care so much.

If he truly doesn't understand why you're upset and this is all no big deal to him, then I don't think there is malice and I would have to understand that.
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#28 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 07:56 PM
 
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I haven't read the replies but I would be completely floored by such a betrayal. That is absolutely a breach of trust, and is exactly the same as lying in my book. I don't even know what I would do.

ETA: I just scrolled down and noticed that someone mentioned that they think that those of us who think it's a big deal have a deeper issue with money. Uh, no. The money isn't what would bother me, not in the slightest. I wouldn't care if it was $1.00. The fact that he set up a secret bank account with his parents and didn't tell me about it is what would make me so angry. Particularly if his taking the money included a promise to his parents that he wouldn't tell me about it. That is beyond insulting and a huge betrayal.

I guess it's because my parentership with dh is based primarily on the fact that we are best friends and tell each other everything. Maybe others don't have that kind of relationship, so it wouldn't bother you. But it would absolutely bother me. I don't think it's okay for me to have a secret account either. Separate accounts, fine. But secret? No. Unless of course you are in a bad situation and are trying to leave, but then the relationship is already over anyhow so trust no longer really matters, you know?
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#29 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 08:34 PM
 
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I guess it's because my parentership with dh is based primarily on the fact that we are best friends and tell each other everything. Maybe others don't have that kind of relationship, so it wouldn't bother you.
Umm, that's a leap - lol. Actually, it wouldn't bother me because I do trust my dh so much. If he didn't tell me, I'd think that he either a) just didn't think of it because he thinks it's no big deal. After all, it doesn't exist except on paper at this point. b) he was afraid of what my reaction would be - mostly that I would use it as "proof" that my in-laws didn't like me, which seems to be the case in the op. But, since I know my in-laws like me (we joke that they like me more than they like dh), and I would not react more than saying "really? wow, that was generous of them." then I know that wouldn't happen in our house.
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#30 of 78 Old 02-06-2007, 09:14 PM
 
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I have no problems with spouses having a seperate account. If I ever get married I will have a seperate account where I can put a little "just in case" money. I would have a huge problem with someone keeping it a secret though. Big no-no in my book.

To the OP- why did he have that receipt? What did the receipt say?

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